What level of family influence or nosiness do you accept with respect to your relationship with your significant other and how would you characterize your maintenance of that boundary?

In my family, no one asks or talks about these things. If you do ask, you are told, in no uncertain terms, that we don’t delve into other family members’ (or anyone else’s) emotional lives. So no one knows anything about anyone else in the family, except by watching behavior and reading tea leaves.

My partner values independence. I also value independence, however I also value my family and their opinions. That said, nosiness is never accepted or tolerated, thankfully our families are not the kind of people who are nosy. As for influence, I would say I am open to their opinions but they will never directly influence anything we choose to do, nor would I make a decision solely based on what they think is best.

I guess I would say I characterize my maintenance of this boundary as being firm but fair. Recently my mother expressed concern about my relationship and health, especially in response to a certain action my partner did. I listened to her opinion and thoughts as I always will, and shared with her my thoughts as well as my perspective regarding the action. A few minutes later she chimed in with a more poignant comment, and it was then that I had to tell her that I would appreciate it if she dropped the discussion, which she respectfully did. But this has really been the only occurrence of having to reinforce the boundary in all the time since I’ve moved out from living with them.

well, no one in my family has the audacity to inquire about things that are not of their concern. Finances, bedroom antics, what we spend our money on, personal beliefs, etc. Of course, since most people know I will tell them things about us on a need to know basis, few people ask very pointed questions. I don’t associate with my biological family since they are a bunch of fuckups (except for my eldest brother) and my wife’s family respect our boundaries, and having seen me lose my temper ONCE, they know better than to cross that line.

I am not a mean-spirited person, but I do have a heightened sense of right and wrong concerning the public knowledge of my personal life, and they know that to cross me is to take their life in their own hands, figuratively speaking.

Both of our families are very nosy. We both think our business is none of theirs. That’s pretty much it.

0. If you want to know ask. I’ll choose wether or not I’ll tell you.

My MIL just told me yesterday that she HATES, absolutley HATES, my hair color and that I should change it black to blonde right away.
I know I can’t change her so I just smile. It can be tough though. e handle it best by not living in the same town.

I have a mixed bag.

This is one of the few good points of my family. They are not overly intrusive about my relationship. I choose what I share, but I am more in that habit from guarding my innermost self from their potential ravages and mockery.

My in-laws, specifically my mother-in-law, are extremely intrusive. My husband is in the habit of basically telling them nothing about his life at all lest she devour it. Thus, we do not talk about our health. We do not talk about allow them to discuss children (or did not when childbearing was an issue).

The boundaries have had to be very firm there.

One time, she called while I was out of town on a business trip and my husband had come down with the flu. Unable to reach him the next day to check on him (he went to the ER for IV fluids, and then was sleeping), she had the police break a window and go into our home! My normally mild-mannered husband really went off on her for that.

Another time, they wrote him a letter offering to pay for a divorce and suggesting he come live with them instead. He didn’t speak to them for a year after writing a blistering letter back.

Physical distance is our friend.

I have always been very independent and private and my family respects that. They are aware of activities that they oppose but realize that those are part of who I am, that I am in control of those activities, and am a successsful and happy person. So, they know “not to go there.” My parents are elderly are thus not very mobile and my sister is extremely busy with her career and family, but they, as well as my friends, know very well that a unannounced pop-in visit will not be tolerated under any circumstance.
I very much like my recently acquired in-laws, and Sherry is very close to her family and is in regular phone contact, but geography limits physical contact. Nevertheless, I do not find them nosy or intrusive in any respect and everyone respects the others boundaries.
I have seen the reverse situation, however. A friend married an only child that was extremely close to her parents. He also accepted lots of financial assistance such as shared, paid travel, etc, so effectively found himself married to his wife and her parents, who have a lot of influence on day to day activities and future plans. They are good people and I count them as friends and although my friend knew very well what he opened himself up to, at times it wears on him, but overall he is OK with it and things have worked out well. Her parents have frequently mentioned their desire to buy and move into a neighboring home, but fortunately, that has not happened…...at least, not yet!
See ya…..Gary aka wtf

My family is extremely important to me. I value their opinions and advice, but they also understand that whatever choices I make are my own, and they support me no matter what. They give me space in my relationships as much as I want. For example, they have not met my current S/O because I have not asked them to, and they respect that when I am ready they will meet him. In my last relationships (which was long and significant), they regularly interracted with my S/O and myself. I think family is important, but there is also a line drawn on what is their business and what SHOULD be their business when it comes to your relationships. Whatever I divulge to them is what they know, and they ask questions pertinent to context of our relationship (what does he do? What is his family like?, etc..). If I was to be married to someone, I think it change the dynamic a bit. But I will have to see what that means someday!

If they get too nosy, I just say, “You really don’t want to go there.”

@daloon might be joking but I will echo some of what he said but in all seriousness. In my family, no one asks me for details unless I offer out first.

@hungryhungryhortence I’m not joking at all. I have no idea what my family members think about any relationship they have or don’t have. None. I have precious little information about anything of consequence. Until last year, there was no financial information at all, and there still isn’t, but at least I now know where the documents are. I’ve learned not to ask. No one volunteers. We might as well be colleagues, not family members. Yeah, blood is thicker than water and all that, but that doesn’t mean we should talk about anything personal.

@daloon: I agree with you and understand this situation well. I don’t even worry to think it should be different or to try and change it much. My “family” is the one built over years of friends and a few select relations, these are the people I invest in and live life with.

My family is much nosier than his – well mostly, my mother…but my father speaks through my mom too sometimes…this isn’t always easy but Alex pretends that he hasn’t learned as much Russian as he has and that he really doesn’t understand what my mom’s criticizing yet again…

In terms of relationships both of our families were not happy when we divorced our spouses and went to be with each other – they’ve come around now, but apparently in my aunt’s eyes I will forever remain the ‘woman, damn female, who dared to leave a man’ ...she’s not a fan of such things…but then the only men in her life were her father, her brother and god…I pity such a life

I accept no nosiness.

My family, especially my mother, is very nosy and makes her wishes and thoughts about my relationships very well-known. She asks about everything from if I’m getting my emotional needs met to if he’s good at oral sex and how much his parents earn. I handle it by only answering what I’m comfortable with and occasionally telling my mom it’s none of his business. I think sometimes it’s worse than simple nosiness- I think she blurs the lines of separation between me and her and sometimes doesn’t get that I want to make my own mistakes and that what she wants isn’t always what I do. She means well and we get along better if I remember that…

His family is very, very much the opposite. They are lovely people but didn’t even ask me about my work the first time I met them because they didn’t want to pry.

… and sometimes doesn’t get that I want to make my own mistakes and that what she wants isn’t always what I do.

Lurve.

Right now I don’t have much to say about it but trust my S/O to keep those boundaries
of confidence. What is between us is sacred.
As far as family goes, I’m confident he will be the same way when and if the time arises
and they finally meet.