Why do guys "just want to be friends", but still act like they are interested?

He’s gay.

I think @PapaLeo‘s got it tagged! GA.

I can’t tell you why he is doing this. He may have decided in his head that does not want a girlfriend, but still is attracted to you.

What you need to do is be really clear with him. (I know you tried.)

“I like you. You told me just want to be friends. I am not ready to do that right now. It’s painful for me. If I get to place where I can just be friends, I’ll get in touch. If you change your mind and want to date, call me. Otherwise, I need time apart.”

Also, welcome to Fluther.

To keep you in their back pocket.

Here’s a question:

Why can’t you just be friends with him? What, does it hurt so badly to be around him? Are you upset that he doesn’t want a relationship with you (which, even still, is quite silly)?

I agree with @ChazMaz

Well it is not that easy to be friends with someone you have feelings for.

@Grisaille Wow! You have obviously never been stuck in the friend box by someone you had feelings for. Of course is hurts! I don’t think it is at all silly to be upset that someone you care for told you they don’t like you that way. i think it’s natural.

This guy should be straightforward with you. If he likes you, but doesn’t want a relationship, then he should understand why you want to back off until you can be friends with him. It is selfish of him as a friend to ask you to do something you are not completely capable of doing. Should he really want to be just friends, then he should accept that you feel differentely, and need some time to adjust to it. If he doesn’t get it, then perhaps he isn’t worth the effort of being friends with.

@Marina No, I have been. I think it’s fine to be hurt. It’s painful, and it fucking sucks, quite honestly. It is, as you say, natural. But upset?

Isn’t that overreacting just a tad?

My thinking is this: if you can’t be friends, and understand/accept the fact that friendship is all you’re gonna get, then why make it worse by being angry about it?

Hell, if you can’t live and grow beyond attraction (and potentially create a great relationship otherwise, in friendship), then perhaps you weren’t meant to be together in the first place.

Perhaps I’m just jaded (relationships aren’t my forte, honestly), or my reasoning is flawed. I just can’t understand why someone would go out of their way to avoid another person because they turned them down. Is their friendship not worth it, so much that you are willing to just throw it away? Toss it aside, as if it doesn’t mean anything?

It’s kinda hard to forget about a friend you had feelings for, if you cut him off for good you’re always gonna keep comming back to him.

Because we guys are pigs. We don’t want to take it to the next level unless by the next level you mean sex.
And I’m using “we” generically.

Well, his friendship DOES mean a lot to me, that is why I still haven’t been able to let him go completely, because I care for him a lot. And I believe we have something special. But the reason I was upset is because he has honestly been flirting and leading me on actually.

I still care for him a lot though. But what I dont get is how someone can just pursue friendship with someone who as feelings for them? I would feel bad for leading that person on

@mary84 Please reread the answers you got from guys on this thread. They don’t think like women do.

@mary84 That’s a fair point, the whole “leading on, flirting” thing.

Placed right under @AstroChuck‘s post, it all becomes clear. Sometimes I try to defend the good in people, but I suppose it always boils down to instinct. You desire love, he desires satisfaction.

We don’t know all the facts, but goddamn it, it sure seems like the classic case here.

There is no such thing as a guy who “just wants to be friends.” A guy ALWAYS has sex on his mind, no matter what he says to the contrary.

He may say one thing, but he is fantasizing another.

@Grisaille Ahhh people have told me that, but I just don’t want to believe it. He’s not that kind of guy, he is a very nice and a bit shy guy, doesn’t drink or party (Which is why he has many ladies chasing him…) I just can’t believe that under that nice surface he’s just like all other guys….!

Perhaps he’s using you as kind of a flirt sparring partner, a test case to improve his game.

Man, that sounded much better when it was just in my head

Then maybe he just wants to be your friend.

I can’t vouch either way. My asshole side is telling me that he just wants to keep you around to fuck you. My empathetic side is telling me that he legitimately wants friendship. I don’t know much about him or you.

What you can tell us, so we can make a better judgement, is these instances where he’s flirted with you. Just the little things. Maybe we can decipher it that way.

He wants sex.

My brother is that type of guy. He’s nice and sweet. Pushes you away. Gets you frustrated. Does something to pull you back and convert those extreme emotions to positive ones.

Umm, we had dinner at an Italian restaurant, just the two of us, it was such a nice evening and we didnt even know each other that well then, if that is not considered a date I don’t know what is. He even invited me up to his flat that evening, and if THAT is not a clear sign he wants more than friendship, then I dont know what is.

I mean, OK to invite someone to your flat if you are already good friends, but for me, someone who asks me to come up after dinner, if you dont know each other, it means they are interested…

And then the texting…

Me: “No you can’t, cause I like your company :) And Im an agressive girl so you dont have a choice… :)”

Him: (jokingly) “Jeez talk about a pressure”

Me: “Oh, I knew it. You think Im a weirdo…”

Him: “I guess that makes me even weirder since I continue to meet up with you.”

Now after our “argue” though, he doesnt flirt like that anymore. Instead he’s trying to be more “genuine”, not playing games.

But I dont know if that is a game as well…

“Then maybe he just wants to be your friend.”

Guys and Girls cant REALLY be friends.

He is just feeling you out. Wants to hop in the sack with you, but does not want to be obligated for anything else.

@Marina is right – guys are different and they think different (there are 4 such creatures in my household).

When I read the explanation part of your question, the first thing I thought was that he was keeping you “on hold” until something better comes along. Trust me when I say that if “The One” popped into his life tomorrow, I am betting that he would find time to see her despite work commitments and that suddenly he would be “emotionally ready”. Those two excuses are a copout. Now, while I will tell you that friendships – even those with a former relationship – can be a wonderful thing, it is only wonderful if BOTH members of the friendship are on the same page emotionally. He may honestly want a real friendship with you (but it doesn’t sound like it), but if you are not ready for that, then he shouldn’t force the issue.

Now, I am going to ask you – what do you REALLY want? I mean – honestly, truly want? Do you want to hang around as his “friend” in the hope that he comes around one day to further the relationship? Are you really willing to try to be “just friends” with no expectations to take that further? (and this would mean that if he does find the girlfriend, you would embrace her as part of his circle and not go all jealous on his hiney). Or would you rather have no contact with him at all? What you MAY do in the future (get past the hurt to be real friends) is different than what you do now. Take care of the now, and the future will resolve itself.

Now, after you decide what you really want – YOU have to follow through. You can’t control what he does – you can only control yourself. No matter how painful, if you decide you don’t want to continue status quo, you need to take action steps. That means, channelling your inner alpha and telling him (that’s “telling” not asking, not phrasing it in the kindest way possible, not requesting – you have to ORDER so he knows that you mean it) and say “I am not willing to settle for just a friendship so don’t contact me anymore.” And then follow through!!!!!!! He may text – nothing says you have to text back. He may call, but nothing says you have to take his calls or call back. If you see him, be cordial and polite, but move on. Yep, it will probably hurt and you will most likely miss him and your dinners and whathaveyou, but it will work through with time and persistence. And, it is perfectly okay to have a mourning period when a relationship changes, just take good care of yourself while you go through it.

o.k. maybe he is gay, but i have my doubts…
Do you have any hot friends, maybe he is interested in another girl you know so a way to be around her is obviously being around you???
We (guys) bring stupid excuses whenever we are scared of something, a girl for example, she is like whoa! but then you think twice, close your eyes and out of the sudden you see yourself in a 3-year relationship and you just don’t want something like that right now, so he wants to keep you around in case he changes his mind…

If he is gay, he’s afraid to admit it to himself.

This is going to sound like it is off topic, but I assure you it is not.
Has he ever used the phrase “I know, right?”

I’m not sure if you’ll believe me when I say I understand what you’re talking about BUT I REALLY DO. This guy I was seeing did the same thing. He was still emotionally attatched to his ex-gf, Jackie. He really wanted to be friends but I wanted something more because we got along together SO well. Seriously I have no idea why guys to this, but it happens and sucks

It’s because we have commitment issues.

@FlutherMother what an awesome answer

Oh my god. This same exact thing is happening to me. Only difference is like an IDIOT I flew 3 hours to see him and got physical. He admits that he really likes me but he’s doesn’t want a relationship either and just wants to be good friends.

Just good friends = F*** buddy

Apologies to @anyonewhomayhavesaidthis because I’m about to go to sleep, and I don’t feel like reading all of the answers before I answer… I know, I know…

I think that he was originally interested in you. Dinner and the flat-invitation clarified that. Then you showed more interest in him than he did in you. According to the esteemed Push/Pull theory, there needs to be a balance, i.e. you were pulling him too much and as a result, he pushed you away.

Then, when you told him to… what was it, “bug off?” He felt the push that you gave him, and therefore pulled you by contacting you.

Completely possible for him not to feel guilty – his feelings are much more important to him. And he likes that you like him that way, and wants to keep that feeling around as long as he can. If he’s a valuable friend, which it doesn’t sound like he is, then keep him around.. and otherwise, NOPE

Girls have 2 ladders: it’s either you’ll be her male friend or her male mate. It’d take a considerable amount of time and effort to transfer from one to the other and vice versa.
Guys only have one. Unless he already reached the top. Then he’s probably a best friend for life, a special someone, or forced to jump off and forget about the whole thing because the girl really doesn’t want it.

What you guys are saying about how guys sort girls in two 2 “boxes”, friend box and girlfriend box, or sometimes; f*ck buddy box… That’s the thing, he treats me like both a friend, girlfriend and f*ck buddy. I don’t know what he’s after. He says he wants to be just friends, but the way he acts is really strange.

If he didnt feel anything for me, why would he sometimes treat me differently, like sometimes he can talk to everyone (when hanging out w/ friends), except for me. Or flirt with everyone except for me.

Or sometimes, sit really really close to me as if we are best best friends (which we are not), which makes me really uncomfortable.

And uh, last time I saw him he kinda wrapped his arms around my neck when hugging me goodbye.

I really don’t know. When I confronted him about this whole thing, I forgot to mention, but he said:

(Are we just friends or something else?) Reply: “I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it.”

I hate it when guys say that. “I’d be lying if I said I havent thought about it” When you put it like that it doesnt sound like a good thing

@derekpaperscissors What do you mean guys only have one (ladder)? You mean you don’t have a special ladder for “just friends”?

@mary84 Each girl has one ladder, how long that is is pretty subjective to the girl. But while a guy is climbing that ladder he isn’t thinking that this girl is going to be my friend forever or that this girl is going to be my gf. He’s thinking that let’s just enjoy and see where it goes. The guy ditches the ladder when he’s already on top and it’s pretty sure by then if the girl is a “just friends” girl or someone he really feels something for and the only way out is to be with the girl or to forget about her entirely.
My guess is that this guy’s still climbing your ladder, but so long as he hasn’t finalized that there is no chance for you two to end up together, then he’s still stuck between the “friends only” vs. “possible gf” part.

@derekpaperscissors Damn you men sure think differently than women. Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable, I’ve heard something along those lines before. Guys don’t make up their mind as quickly as women do, as to whether a girl is just a friend or something else.

So meaning, unless a guy has sent out clear signals that a girl is just a friend, then there is always the possibility (in his mind) of the two of them ending up together?

And you can’t do anything to speed up the climbing process?? lol
So the girl just sits there on top, waiting for him to make up his mind?

@mary84 LOL. I’m probably just as clueless as how girls think too, so all’s fair? :P
Some guys don’t even send out the signal even though they’ve made their mind up. Or it gets lost in translation. Or the girl is so lovestruck that it doesn’t matter.
Best thing for you to do would probably be yourself, your best self. Show him how special you are, where your good at, what your interests are, but don’t be too obvious about it. That can also be a turn off sometimes. Guys like some challenge to it. Just place yourself as the prize, not him. haha
Oh, and he could also just be a “casual” guy looking for “fun.” So don’t be misled if that’s the case.

I’m in a similar situation as you, except I’m a guy. Plus, the girl has since started a relationship with another friend of mine. So yeah, just being friends is already a bit painful, the two of them together more so. However, I value both their friendships and enjoy the company. Additionally, I see both of them very frequently anyway. Thus, I try to maintain the friendships.

As a guy, I have to say though, that I really have female friends who I like, but wouldn’t want to go beyond that with. Admittedly, I can be quite feminine, but I’m still a guy. Please don’t generalise and give up hope people :)

Uch. I’ve been there, Mary84. Run for the hills! I have been there a few times. (The guy never turns out to be gay, btw.) I know that you value his friendship, but you may just have to tell him that you need a little distance, or some barriers, from him for now. Then, some time in the future, you may be ready to be friends—or at least friendly—with him again. In the meantime, do not be surprised if he finds a girlfriend. @FlutherMother, great answer.

@hex

“Perhaps he’s using you as kind of a flirt sparring partner, a test case to improve his game.

Man, that sounded much better when it was just in my head”

Omg, the thing is I think you’re right. He was just having fun. I feel like such an i-d-i-o-t.

@mary84

It seems like the simplest answer, nothing complicated. Probably fairly innocent and somewhat unconscious. I have done it and have had it done to me. It’s fun and exciting when you do it, like taking the car out for your first test drive. Some may get addicted to the feeling and not become mature enough, down the road, to take other peoples feelings into consideration.

Chalk it up as one for experience and pick yourself up and get back on the horse.

Sorry for rambling, too much coffee today…

@mary84 You said you’re not sure what he wants. I don’t think that matters. What matters is what you want . . . or should want. This man is “Just not that into you.” If he was, there would be no need for you to have posted your question. So, the real question is, how much more of your time do you want to waste?

The problem is, we hang out in the same group of friends, the truth is we ARE really good friends and we are really good AS friends, and I am not entirely sure I want to loose him.

I wish we could have JUST a platonic friendship but we can’t.

And as he is best friends with my best friend I get to see him a lot.
It’s hard to distance myself from him, because every time I do, he comes after and chases me and asks me why Im not talking to him etc.

@mary84 I wish I had an answer for you but I’m kind of in the same situation as you are.

Ok I’ve read this and I’ll tell you something I have just had this happen to me. In fact we seem to be living parralel lives through and through. My advice to you is that it’s going to hurt but the guy is messed up. And the whole not that into you bollocks is as far off the money as it goes. The guy has been hurt and he should not be in five thousand miles of a relationship. My friend who did this to me has been deleted from my life after all. it’s all or nothing, friends or lovers he cant straddle the line. tell him he either needs to stop flirting or fuck off. Trust me if he fucks off he’s not worth it.

Well I tried to tell him to fuck off but we ended up as friends again. We just always ends up as friends, no matter how far I try to run from him.

Maybe we’re just meant to be friends, I don’t know. I’m just going to let things unveil naturally and see what happens.

Yeah, I know he’s been hurt. He told me he thinks ‘feelings is just a bunch of crap’, which makes it rather evident there’s something messed up with him

“which makes it rather evident there’s something messed up with him”
His problem. Do not make it yours.

He apparently gives you something you feel you need. Attention, or sense of purpose or titillation.
No matter how delusional it might be, you cant let go of it.
It shows itself when you can’t give a good reason for your actions, only excuses.

I have to agree with ” AstroChuck ”, guys are idiots and I know how you feel !!
Just act normal and be a friend to him, he aint worth the trouble !

I agree with @PapaLeo, he does sound gay.
also, what is it with girls/women and “knowing where we’re going”? can’t we just enjoy the ride?

@jackfright

“also, what is it with girls/women and “knowing where we’re going”? can’t we just enjoy the ride?”

Lol. Yeah, that’s also part of the problem. You want to sit back and just enjoy the ride, we like to put labels.

How can we know where things are going if we’re not allowed to ask?

Lol

not all woman like to put labels… i am in the exact situation as you hun.
after 2½ months of dating the guy tells me that that he really likes, but that we should be friends. i said sure fine.. things didnt change… a month later we have the talk again. we decide to not be intimate (that didnt last long either)... he hasnt been more clear with me about what he wants, and what he wants is obviously not me. the other day, as we were talking i finally accepted that… we questioned if we should go our separate ways.. but we both know we like eachother and enjoy eachothers company too much. i personally value that more then anything… so we are friends.. with all the good benefits lol .. honestly things were great until he had to come out and talk about being friends… i never once questioned what we had… from day one i enjoyed it for what it was, and he just went and messed that all up lol…so yea.. not all girls need labels.

p:s .. the guy has some kind of attachement issues .. and is leaving the country in a 3 months or so… but after 5 months of puttin up with eachother… i guess theres no attachment whatsoever… and they say woman are complicated lol

Okay, well maybe not everyone likes to put labels, but I at least want to know what the hell we are, friends or more than friends, and if we are more than friends he should stop the flirting and stop giving me that “look” etc. I don’t like people who want to eat the cake and have it too. It never takes me 3 months to make up my mind whether or not I’m interested in someone, but I’ve met sooooooo many guys who still, even after several months, didnt know if they wanted friendship or more than friendship.

I also like this guy and we always have a blast so Ive decided to stick with it for a while and see what happens.

I read this and had to comment. I am a guy sort of in your shoes; ill explain…
This girl and I had been talking (it is long distance, and mostly via text messages) for about a year and become friends, seeing each other seven or eight times in person. But I am so conservative i never asked her out until she had lost interest. I called her up and, of course, she said she didn’t feel the same. I truly want to continue to be friends with her, but I think she feels like I am still pursuing her when I’m not. I haven’t talked to her nearly as much but now when i do, she ignores my texts and such. there is really nothing I can do here. looking back, I don’t really see how this helps your situation other than to say you are not alone, and that guys are not all out for poon, but then there aren’t that many that think as i do. But don’t let rejection stand in the way if you actually value this person.

I have the same problem! It’s difficult if you still have feelings for this person and so, the most obvious suggestion is to cut all ties and move on to avoid any further heartache. However, I know that this is easier said than done! If you value him as a friend then there is no need to cut him off if you both genuinely do enjoy chatting and discussing things. Just be careful not to fall into the old trap of being there for him physically when things go pearshaped for him – be there as a friend only, you’re better than that! I must also say, and this is what I am dealing with at the moment, is the time when he starts seeing someone else. But, my thinking is if you are there for him as a friend and are the bigger person to deal with things then that may just show him how mature you are about it all. x

holy crap I am expierencing the same thing right now! the guy used me to get to my friend and they are now fighting and he keeps texting me and calling me buddy but when i bring up the subject of us he’s just like i want us to be good friends but im not ready for a relationship and he now wants to go to the movies and i am debating to say yes or no

I wanted more than a friendship with a man I cared about too. But he said it this way…...I want to have sex with you, but I just want us to be friends. That hurt too and ended it before I got hurt even more. Not saying you should end it with him, but just telling what happened to me.

guys PISS me off with their whole spiel, “I just want to be friends” because this guy I know led me on and of course I reciprocated but then he pulled that bs on me! What if I don’t want to just be friends? I sure as hell don’t want to be friends-with-benefits I want a genuine relationship…! So, I feel for you, Mary, I really do

You probably feel as if you take what he’s giving because you enjoy it and its not mentally healthy for you really, you need to stay away and maybe then he will realize hey i really do like this girl and i need to shit or get off the pot. If he does NOT do that then you need to come to terms with that and stop on your side any flirting with him. He needs to shape up and if he is getting what he wants now what urge does he have to do that? Yup I unfortunatly have an awesome i’m just friends friend too. It completly sucks because….. you don’t plan on liking them in the begining it just happens. Of course they rock in every OTHER way except this one. Sadly you could waste your whole life waiting on someone else. Be kind, don’t be stupid.

@AstroChuck hahaaaaaaa,You are absolutely Right!!