Should my girlfriend keep in contact with male friends that have fallen in love with her?

Do you trust her?

@The_Compassionate_Heretic Yes.

I do not trust them.

I had to deal with what you’re dealing with right now. I asked my man to completely cut ties with the woman because she was being disrespectful and causing discourse between us.
I don’t think it would be unreasonable for you to insist the your girl try to distance herself from those guys, and she should respect your wishes.

@Sampson If the long distance relationship is worth pursuing, then you have little choice but to trust her judgment.

Nobody can sabotage your relationship. She’s a big girl, and capable of making her own choices. Whether or not she should keep her male friends is up to her, alone—not me, any other jelly, or you.

When she is more comfortable with your/her relationship, she will turn away from them. In the meantime, create more opportunities for the two of you to form new relationships.

Some women like to have a retinue of men hangers on. You would know if that is the case or if this is a pattern with her. If it is, then you should acknowledge it now and decide whether you can live with that situation. Some guys can; some can’t.

If that is not the case. If she has just as many women friends. If she acts friendly in these guys’ presence, but not flirty and not physical with them. If she is happy for you to be along when she see them, then it does not sound problematic.

If she has given you no reason to doubt her, then you should trust her. She has chosen you. She is offering you something that she has not offered to these other guys. Focus on your relationship with her and on your future. Don’t be consumed thinking about her past.

@tinyfaery Recently, one of them exaggerated something I said in a chat room of a site us three are a part of.

He told her this exclusively to make her upset at me and it worked.

@Marina It has nothing to do with her past. These men are active in her present life.

They are less active since I’ve been in the picture, I should say, but they are still in correspondence with her.

sounds like she’s being naive if she wants to be friends with a guy who does that

She chose to be upset about it. He can’t make her be upset. And if she doesn’t believe you then you have a bigger problem than other guys.

My girlfriend has always had a bazillion admirers (male and female) and relished the attention. Even when we were dating early on (also long distance), she would frequently have dinner with her male admirers, but it was always just dinner and they had enough decorum not to push too hard for more. It was never a big deal to me. The only caveat is that she was in her late 40s during this time and dating in your 40s is much more mellow, I suppose, than in your 20s.

That being said, we both are big flirts and accept that as part of our relationship.

Edit:: is she the type who will feel better about you respecting her need to socialize or is she more the type that needs her man to show some jealousy to feel secure in her relationship?

You say you trust your girl but not the male friends. Since you’re in the relationship with the girl and not the guy friends then you don’t need to trust them, you need to keep your focus on how she handles them, sets boundaries for them not to cross and expresses her want of respect for the two of you as a couple.

@hungryhungryhortence I’d love to talk to them about boundries, but if I talk to them at all, she’d flip out.

@Sampson: They are her previously made friends, she needs to be the one to honor the new relationship between the two of you by discussing boundaries with them. It’s on her to dictate the expected behavior now that she has chosen you as her lover.

You sound unreasonable – I am friends with almost all my exes and people who loved me that I never loved – obviously there is a reason I want to be friends with them but those reasons are not a threat to my relationship – she’s an adult and as are you and the both of you need to remember the difference between friends and lovers is in your control

Just trust her and remain attentive. There is no reason to break up friendships for a relationship. My girlfriend is still in touch with her ex, and they seem to be good friends. If there is no problem, there is no need to invent a means to avert a problem that doesn’t exist yet.

Call me insecure, call me old fashioned, call me what ever you like (I’m sure I’ve been called worse), but, no, I could not and would not accept a situation like this. There comes a time when people need to make a decision about what, or who, is most important in their lives. I’ve never understood why some people, and from my experience it usually seems to be young women, need to keep a bevvy of admirers following behind them. There is always some rationalization about this, or some attempt to turn it back around on you, but in my view it is a conscious decision to act in a way that could be destructive to the relationship they are in now.

And by the way, I am referring only to remaining in contact with other people who have romantic feelings or have made romantic overtures in the past, or encouraging new admirers. There is nothing wrong with having friends of either gender as long as both acknowledge the current relationship and the boundries that entails.

@tb1570 Isn’t that being a bit paranoid and possessive? If she loved you enough, the others wouldn’t matter regardless of how they felt. If she doesn’t, then your relationship is doomed eventually anyway.

I agree with your last line though, it really is all about boundaries. If these others keep their distance in a romantic sense they can be as good friends as they see fit.

until there is a problem, i wouldn’t try to end her friendship. if you trust her, but not them, don’t worry. chances are if she’s trustworthy and one of those guys puts the moves on her, she’ll end it herself.

I think you should be open with her about how you feel with it, but not ask her to do anything besides have her let them know that she is in a relationship with someone else.

It depends on the girl…I’m friends with the couple so I hear both sides of the coin. If the girl is open to telling her bf about how she is in contact with the male friends, then she can probably be trusted and you should keep the lines of communication open between the both of you. The worst thing you can do is to restrict her which signifies that you don’t trust her. If she breaks that trust, then you can leave with knowing that you loved her enough to trust her. Something she’d still have to work on.

You have no right to deny her the ability to keep in contact with anyone she chooses, ex boyfriends included. That said, you have a right to express how such contact makes you feel and to propose a middle ground that is fair to both, such as her not talking with them on the phone around you. Things like her Facebook interactions though (or other unavoidable situations) you’ll just have to learn to deal with on your own. That’s my opinion at least, I don’t expect people to change who they associate with for me just as I wouldn’t allow someone else to dictate who I may contact and why. They simply have no such right. But if my actions were causing strife, I would modify them to add compromise to our relationship (as relationships are all about compromise, and communication which is also missing here).

You say that you cannot trust these guys, but what about if her boss is a skeevy guy (in your opinion, and let’s be honest, your views and opinions are tainted with your emotions and may not be accurate) and the only option would be to leave the job? Or if she was not around you, like at a bar with girlfriends? As much as you say you trust her, I believe a bit of you does not think she is able to protect herself or that you need to protect her by encouraging her to distance herself from previous male friends.

@tb1570 she’s not keeping them as admirers she’s keeping them as friends – if my partner expected me to drop all my friends that are attracted to me (since I’m queer and am attracted to all genders, that’d be a lot) I would break up with him – easy peasy

Your impulse to control is worrisome. It has been a long time since women were considered property in the developed Western nations. Who are you to tell her how to conduct her relationships with anyone? Grow up, or you may find yourself in real danger of losing her.

Those friends need to go.
That is if you are more important to her. Is it her past or your future together that is more important?
Especially since it is a relationship biased on love and commitment.

No. It’s asking for trouble, and it’s inconsiderate towards you. It also isn’t a great service towards those guys, even if their motives are not pure, they could move on if she cut them off.

nope nope nope

It’s a difficult thing. On the one hand, I know how you feel. I have been in a similar position and it’s not that you don’t trust your partner, you don’t trust the other person. However, your S/O chose you, and is up front with you about these people. As long as you two have a good line of communication, and she is honest with you, I see no reason to make things difficult. If these people make things hard in your relationship, then talk to her about it. Don’t demand her to drop these people out of her life, but maybe suggest distance to them. It is a bit inconsiderate to you and these guys, but if she insists that these friendships are important, asking her to get rid of them will only cause strain in your relationship. No one likes being told what to do haha

@pdworkin Because I TOTALLY called her my property…~

I don’t care what you call her, I observed from your own statement how you treat her.

@pdworkin Please provide an example of what I said. All I just want her to communicate less with friends that are trying to be in a relationship with her. I’ve read all these responses saying that I should let it be and that’s fine, but none were so rude.

You said “she should start systematically lessening her communication with them. ” I said that it should be none of your business. I’m sorry you read my response as having been rude. I meant it to assist you, because I was afraid you were in danger of losing someone you say you love.

@pdworkin My relationship is none of my business?

The issue isn’t that she has friends. It’s that she has friends that want to be where I am.

The issue is that her friends are her choice, as your friends are your choice. My closest confidants, the people in my life I know best and feel closest to as friends happen to be former lovers. I now know their husbands and children, and they have known my kids, my ex-wives and my fiancee. No jealousy involved. Believe me, it’s better that way.

@pdworkin They aren’t trying to get with you, though. If that was the case, do you think it’d make sense for your fiance to be worried about them?

I think you know my opinion. The less jealous you can talk yourself into feeling, the more strong your relationship is likely to be.

@pdworkin Thank you. That is a much better answer than your first.