You've had your best friend since childhood, with whom you share your deepest secrets. Your fiance can't stand the person. What do you do?

Sorry, can’t imagine any of those scenarios. If I was in love with someone, they would be part of my life. As my best friend is already a part of my life, there is no way I would not discover the animosity long before getting to the stage of engagement, certainly no chance I wouldn’t discover it until after marriage.

If I was dating someone who couldn’t get along with my already-best-friend, that relationship wouldn’t last to the point of falling in love with them. Liking – or at least getting along with – my friends is a prerequisite.

If it bothers you that much your partner needs to end it. The question is who is more important.

For me (me being a guy) if it is a girl and she is not interfering with how my home is run. She, just being a pain in the ass. I would be ok with it and would find humor in it.
If the life long friend is a guy. That would have been ended long ago.

Well, I personally don’t like some people my husband considers friends. I think they are just bad friends, not worthy of his trust or friendship. I have never forbade him to hang out with anyone, but he does know my feelings.

He also had a different group of friends that he chose to disassemble from. I don’t think the friendships would have ever been able to continue because we were together (eventually) And thinking back to all the nasty things these people had said to me, I don’t think I could ever even be in their presence. Luckily, this wasn’t even something that needed to be discussed with my spouse…he made the decision on his own.

I can’t imagine having just a friend from the past that my spouse would hate so much that they didn’t want me to be with them. There’d have to be a good damn reason.

I’d get a new fiancé.

You don’t need to “do” anything. Your fiance needs to lighten up.

I think it would depend on what I could ascertain from the situation myself. My best and oldest friend is male, my first kiss and my first boyfriend. I can see where a fiance might have a problem with him. On the other hand, my friend is also the kind of person that few people can get along with unless they’ve known him for a long time. I could see my current boyfriend as wondering why I’m still friends with this person when the two of us always get into huge fights (and then make up minutes later). I would try to explain to my fiance that this person is my oldest and dearest friend and that it hurts me a great deal that they cannot get along. If I had decided to marry the kind of person who would still be obstinate and angry about it even after a good deal of thought, well, there are probably other problems there that need to be dealt with.

That’s one of those big red flags. It’s been my experience that good friends and lovers almost always get along cordially, even if they don’t like each other; if there’s actual animosity, there’s a big problem somewhere that needs to be brought to light and resolved.

If it came down to it, I’d almost certainly choose the old friend over the new fiancé, but that would be the solution of last resort.

I would not allow my spouse to dictate who I associate with, whether she liked him or her or not. Just as I would not dictate who my spouse can or cannot see, I expect her to give me the same respect. My wife has friends I abso-fucking-lutely despise, but if she wants to associate with them, that’s fine. It’s her choice. I just ask that she doesn’t drag me along.

Anyone who dictates to me who I can or cannot associate with is someone that does not respect me, and will soon be seeing my backside as I am leaving. This also applies to my wife. No exceptions.

A successful marriage and/or relationship is about mutual respect, not about one or the other being a controlling dictator.

I went through this but from the position of being the old friend that the fiance didn’t like. The fiance was a very strong Christian and I let her know in very straightforward terms what I thought of her simplistic understanding of religion. She lobbied hard for her husband (my long time friend) to make a break, but he told her that he was loyal to his friends (no matter how misguided I may be). We are still close friends today, and his wife is cordial to me.

That loyalty is important.

I would not cut off a friendship for a fiance or lover (or spouse), nor would I break off an angagement, unless I saw it as a red flag signaling over-control in other areas too. What I would do is insist on maintaining the friendship but for the most part, getting together with my friend apart from my fiance. My husband and I have many freinds that we get together with separately, although neither of us has a big issue with any of the other’s friends. If it really were a “him or me” situation as prsented by the fiance, I think I would break it off because that would signal a host of other problems.

@casheroo: Which of your husband’s current friends do you dislike? Anyone I know?

In this scenario, replace “friend” with “brother”. and ask yourself what you would do in THAT case.

@girlofscience Oh yes, you know them. I dislike two of them for different reasons now. But, I’m still friendly with them. Actually, it’d be hard to be even friendly with a certain one. And probably not the guy you’re thinking of.

@casheroo: Which ones? I wanna know!

I responded to your PM

Thank goodness I don’t have that problem but if I did I would probably just say that if they didn’t like each other then fine, they don’t have see or speak to each other just don’t make me choose. If someone loved you that much I can’t imagine they would demand that you cut all contact with someone they know is your best friend unless they believed they were protecting you in some way and so in that case I would demand answers before doing anything!

I think this happens more than people think. Whether it be a best friend or a sibling, animosity between a fiance and friend is tough. In my opinion, someone who forces you to choose between themselves and someone you care about is both selfish and immature. These people don’t have to like one another, but if they both love you, then it should be understood that you are going to continue to have a relationship with both of them. They can be civil. Personally, my friendship was strained with my best friend because she doesn’t like my boyfriend. She wanted me to choose as well, which I simply said you don’t have to like him, but if you love me, you can be an adult and respect my choices. She has since tried to be kind about it, which is all I can ask. If someone truly cares for another, they want them to be happy. For me, If that means you put up with a best friend you can’t stand, so be it. I want the person I am with to smile and feel loved, and that supercedes any feelings of animosity I may have for that friend. Some things are more important than our own feelings, and in this situation, if both people really care about you, then they can learn to deal with it.

spend time with both just not together if either of them are decent human beings they will understand, not pressure you and not ask you to choose

If I love both of them and they’re both that close to me, hypothetically speaking…they should get along. They would likely have similar senses of humor and overlapping interests.

I think I would tell both of them that they are forcing me to choose between an amazing friend for life and an amazing spouse for life, and (are we allowed to swear on Fluther?) f—you both for not looking out for my best interests.

I guess I’m a little self-centered.

Seriously, though, if I had to choose one over the other, both relationships would be irretrievably ruined, because I’d always resent my fiancé for being so controlling or my friend for being so inflexible. And it says something about both of them, doesn’t it? That my fiancé won’t accept my friends for who they are, but must try to change me and my social circle…and that my friend can’t be happy for me and try to make things work out. And if it was because some secret thing in the past between the two of them (one murdered the other’s brother, or something a bit less melodramatic) then this is something one of them should have told me.

My ideal situation (although it would pain me) is to remain in contact with both, and with both aware of that, and I would try to isolate them from each other. I wouldn’t invite the friend to dinner parties at my house, but I would also go and meet the friend for lunch separately from my spouse.

In any partnership, there has to be mutual respect. This does not mean the partners must like every friend/acquaintence/family member of the other partner. Respect means to let the partner live his/her own life.

It their life together is filled with happiness, respect, communication and trust, it will thrive.

Honestly I would tell them to act like adults and suck it up. If they both love you, they’d see that they can look past their hating. My boyfriend and best friend hated each other but I told them to suck it up. It’s not fair to you to have to choose between the people who mean most to you, and if they mean the most they know what’s best for you and that’s NOT putting you in the middle.

big up @AlyxCaitlin

I have. In junior year of high school, my best friend hated my boyfriend (whom I am now married to). He was the first person I have ever seriously dated (all other relationships were kind of carried out as if we were third graders. I was shy).

I have difficultly remember how it happened, but I think it was because she was mad at how much time I was spending with him and not her. He was my first (and only), and she had left me several times in the past with boyfriends of her own. They would always trade mean comments about each other, even in front of me. I didn’t like it. She was dating his best friend at the time. Somehow, we no longer became best friends. I wish that hadn’t happened, but I would not have ever given up my then-boyfriend.

We’re friends now. We don’t talk about it. I think we’re friends now because during our senior year (my husband was a grade above us, so he had already graduated), we ended up sitting together in a class, and I guess we couldn’t help talking to each other. Our relationship is not the same though.

My other best friend (who I consider my sister, though we’re not related) didn’t like him either, but when we became serious, she accepted it. Now that we’re married, she kind of thinks of him more as a brother in law. Its funny, because her own brother has the same name as my husband.

Once I had a dog I really loved and a husband I thought I really loved. Dog and husband did not get along, I reluctantly got rid of the dog. I later joyously got rid of the husband. I decided from then on, a husband would not dictate to me. Husbands come and go, dogs and best friends are truly “til death do us part!”

I want to thank you all who have answered so far. A lot of great answers here! Kudos!

if my supposed fiance is really that awesome – and i’m assuming he is, since i’m engaged to the guy! – he’s gonna deal. and chances are that long time friend wasn’t planning on giving up all those years of friendship because he or she doesn’t like the dude i’m marrying. (:
and more aimed at the second question: if my fiance asked me to cut off relations with someone i really care about for no reason other than he’s not cool with them, there’s more of a problem with him than my friendship.

This is an impossible situation, at least to me. How can a person (fiancee) love me so well and dislike the people I’m closest to? I guess I’ve been lucky, my subsequent partners have been positive towards my best friends and held them in esteem. I’d seriously have to look at the fiancee and wonder what it is about them that doesn’t click with what has been so positive for so long. Like Sesame Street when they used to show you 4 boxes and tell you, “one of these things is not like the other…”

If I know that my fiance(I’ll get one in a few years. Ahhaaah) is smart and really loves me, then I’ll take him advice. Though I don’t even have a best friend now…

I know this might sound simplistic, but… I would choose whichever one wasn’t forcing me to choose. I wouldn’t want a spouse who would make me choose them over a best friend, and I wouldn’t want a best friend who would make choose them over a spouse.