Say you have an illness and it's terminal - the doctors can estimate how much time you have left - would you want to know?

First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your father.

When my grandmother was soon to die, we NEVER told her how long the doctors said she had. We knew it would upset her. It would scare the crap out of ME, personally.

But I DO know people who know and want to know to do just what you said, i.e., put everything in order.

It so depends on the person. There are people who do not want to know that even a relative has a specific amount of time left.

But the doctor is compelled to tell the patient, unless the relative cues the physician beforehand (and even then, the patient’s wishes override).

Absolutely. I don’t think your father’s doctor did anything wrong.
And I know you weren’t seeking this but I’m sorry about your father.

@AstroChuck @Quagmire thank you

Hey.

I think it’s pretty routine to tell someone who’s terminal how much time they have left. For me, I’d want to know not so much for my own benefit, but so I could help prepare my family and loved ones for life without me, both emotionally, financially, legally, whatever. Lots of people die without getting to say goodbye, so I think in many ways it can be a gift.

I’m sorry to hear about your father.

I think I’d want to know, even if it hurt to know.

We basically were given a death sentence for my grandmother today, and are planning the funeral for next week. She is not even deceased yet :(

I’m sorry for what is happening to your father. Even if you aren’t close, it does still mean something.

I don’t see anything wrong with what the doctor did.
But I’ve seen a commercial recently where the lady was upset because her doctor gave her an expiration date, so to speak. the only insight I have on the subject
I guess different people have different sensitivities toward that sort of thing.

It would be unethical for a Doctor not to tell the patient.
If you’ve got 3 months, then you’ll at least know and make efforts to make the most of those 3 months.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I’m sorry you & your family are in this situation. I realize this is pretty weak as far as words go, but I hope you and your mum are holding up all right and that you will be able to deal with the aftermath of his death.

But on the question you asked…it depends on the patient. The family & relatives themselves tend towards thinking that giving a realistic assessment like that is too cruel. But I think it’s definitely something that needs to be known, unless your dad is someone who can’t handle the knowledge and will be miserable for those 3 months remaining…if the patient is not told, someone close (a parent, spouse, or child) should know to get things in order.

The thing about death is that it’s a little messy to pick up the pieces once it’s over. For the family of the deceased, it can be a headache dealing with bank accounts, wills, unclear wishes, et cetera. I think giving terminal patients their prognosis gives them the opportunity to help their family as much as possible—in your example, figure out how things will be paid for.

I discussed this once with some of my friends, and one of them told me about an aunt who specifically requested a low-budget funeral, because she believed money serves more use for the living. She spent quite a bit of time organizing her finances and making sure her spouse & parents knew what to expect…and she also talked to her kids to help them cope with her death, too.

I would want to know.

Obviously your mother didn’t want to know, or didn’t want your father to know, but I was wondering…did your dad want to know?

My dad died in late July. I am sorry you are going through this.

I would want to know, even though I realized the doctor is just guessing.

I believe most people would want to know. I am sorry it is so hard on your mom.

I actually have a little bit different point of view on this. It is my understanding (where is shi when you need him?) that doctors generally do not tell patients how long they have. When my father had pancreatic cancer, they would not tell him. They said that patients hear a number of months and live to that. They did tell him he was terminal, which I think is enough.

I would want to know. One of my best friend’s sisters died in a car accident. My friend’s grief was deeply compounded because she and her sister were having a spat, and she never got to tell her how much she loved her.

Shortly after that, my sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease. In her case we knew she had more than a year, but very likely less than five. All of us used that time to spend special times together, to say everything that needed to be said, she did some traveling while she could. That times was very precious to us.

So, do I think I would want to know. yes, but not be told six weeks.

Sure, it would give me a hurdle I definitely would strive to jump over while I go see another doctor that gives me the opinion that meets my expectations.

I would want to know, but I would certainly want it done in a sensitive way. Maybe the doctor should ask if the patient wants to know.

I’m sorry for those of you going through this.

I am also sorry to hear about your Dad (and your Mom having to go through this). Docs typically DON’T give concrete time estimates because of the old self-fulfilling prophecy bit.

For myself, I would want some type of ballpark figure to be able to wrap things up and do the things I would feel necessary to get some kind of closure. I guess I would like things rounded up to years rather than months given the choice.

With my clients, I usually tell them that they will live until they give up dreaming and setting goals for themselves. Typically, that has been very accurate.

@JLeslie he asked. but I don’t think he was prepared to hear the answer.

Yes

@Simone_De_Beauvoir, I don’t think ANYONE is prepared to hear the answer.

@Quagmire well I was really shocked by it – my estimates were much less

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m not sure if this is true but I heard doctors sometime pick a very safe number to protect themselves from getting sued.

A friend of mine was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I did a little research, and discovered that the life expectancy for someone in her condition was around six months. I think she lasted a year. In that year, she was able to get all her affairs in order, and make her death and the memorial as neat as possible for others. We really had little to do other than mourn. She was a Buddhist, if that makes any difference.

Life expectancy numbers are just statistics. There is a lot of variation. They are not a death sentence, and any doctor that tells you that giving a number will make it more likely that that’s all the time you have left—well, let’s just say that I would be extremely surprised if there was evidence to support that.

I know another person who is fighting all kinds of cancers. According to life expectancy standards for people in her condition, she should have been dead a year ago. She refused to accept that, and is still fighting for life.

I think that knowing tells you what you are up against. If you throw in the towel, then that’s what you want to do. If you want to fight it, you fight it. I would want to know. And if no one told me, I’d look it up myself. And anyone can do that—look it up themselves. Even if you don’t look it up, you can read it on the faces of those around you—relatives and doctors.

I think the reason people don’t like to tell is because it is so painful to tell someone about their death sentence. I think most people don’t want to have to bring that news to a person, particularly if that person is your patient. For doctors, it’s like admitting failure, something they really hate to do.

It’s also, I think a cultural thing. The Japanese, I believe, would never tell anyone such a prognosis. It would be scandalous. In the US, there are still plenty of people who believe in protecting patients from knowing things. Most often, the patients cooperate in remaining ignorant. I think it’s related to a general attitude of denial about thinking about death. Frankly, I don’t think it’s a very healthy attitude towards something that is a very important part of life, ironically enough.

I would want to know.

I’m not sure if it’s “procedure” or whatever, but maybe doctors should consider asking their patients if they would like to know. Just say something like- ok, you are not doing well, and I have an estimation of the termination of your life that I’ll share with you if you’d like.

I have had several friends who have died and who knew approximately how long they had left. They wanted to know that because, as others have noted, it is useful to know how much time one has to get affairs in order. It also gives family and friends a time line for visiting and saying goodbye.

One friend timed it so she could be moved home just before it was time, so she could die at home with her family. Another friend used her time to prepare her husband to care for their schizophrenic son. My grandmother used her time to go through her possessions and label which went to which relative, to prevent fighting after her death.

Since your father asked the question, the doctor answered it. He only did what he thought his patient wanted. Your mother may be getting upset at the doctor not because the doctor told your father how much time he had, but because she doesn’t want it to be true.

I am sorry for your father’s diagnosis. I hope he is able to get things the way he wants them before he is too debilitated and I hope he has a pain-free death.

I have just spent the past month waiting to find out the results of several tests, beginning with a tissue analysis consequent upon a mastectomy. By the time the oncologist had seen the chest X-Ray, the blood test results and the CT scan, more than a month had passed. Yes, I very much wanted to know, however unpleasant the outcome (I am happy to say that the cancer has not spread and I am on Arimidex (anastrozole) for an indefinite period). Waiting was somewhat stressful, but not knowing was a good deal worse. Yes, I want to know.

I am sorry about your father. Perhaps you will be able to help him in various practical ways these last months. That’s what families do.

I’m sorry about you and your mother’s grief. It must be incredibly difficult for your mother to hear the news and she’s probably just reacting like any spouse would. How does one get their mind around that? I don’t know. I guess the important thing is just to be with him in any way that helps him make the transition. The finances will be what they will be but the time with your father will never come again. If I knew more than two weeks before my father died, I would have moved heaven and earth to be with him at least once more. If only to kiss his cheek.

@bea2345 I am glad to hear it hasn’t spread, :)

@SeventhSense they’re not in love but are dependent in all kinds of unhealthy ways on one another so it’s hard for her…harder for me to lose both of these people’s functionality in my life…upon his death, I will be left with his sister, my mother and her mother in my care…three ailing elderly stubborn russian women…you can imagine

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – Thanks. I feel reprieved. :)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
That’s rough. I guess it’s good at least to have a little “heads up”.

I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family, @Simone_De_Beauvoir. :(

To answer your question, I’d want to know. Although in a sense, I think with cases of terminal illness, one already has an idea how soon it’ll be.

yes. After reading your details, I wish you well in this situation. I know of a somewhat similiar situation coming up in my own life. We can only do what we can do. We just do our best, hope for the best, and instead of waiting for miracles, we prepare for the inevitable.

I’m sorry about your father, but I think a person needs to know what to expect, no matter how scary it seems. Quality of life is always better than quantity of life, isn’t it?

I will keep you in my thoguths and send you cyber hugs. I’m so sorry for you having to face this. It just sucks.

If you’re alone, it doesn’t really matter wether you know it or not. But when you have a family, you NEED to know it. Lots of things to arrange and if you haven’t had the time to do so, it’ll make the end even worse.

Shit yes I would want to know.

Making my time left, to be the best possible.

Starting with using up those credit cards.

I’m very sorry that this is happening to you..

After we found out that my Mom had terminal cancer, the next sentence out of the doctor’s mouth was that she had “several weeks”. Hearing that was like someone had pulled the earth out from beneath my feet. Did I appreciate the fact that the doctor told us? Yes, and no. Yes, it was extremely hard to hear, but, then knowing that she didn’t have all that long, we, our family cherished every second that we had with her.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – sorry to hear about your dad…hope the doctor was wrong and that he gets to live much, much longer.

I would definitely would want to know so I could make amends and create memories that would matter to those I’m leaving behind.

My dad died a few years ago and I was faced with a similar circumstance. We all knew the truth, sort of ignored it and just lived life day to day. I used to love debating my Dad on issues and did so till about 2 days before he died. He loved being treated normally, the dying thing was just a part of life.