Am I asking too much of my parents to let me know when they invite people over for a gathering?

In my experience, the closer kids get to the age of 18, the more difficult their parents make life for the children in an effort to get them to move out as soon as possible.

I’m 20 and am (well we) trying my best to get out

also, they don’t want me to ever move out. they’ve expressed that to me.

It would be nice if your parents told you, and I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to nicely request for them to do so. But I also don’t see it as a big deal in terms of parent-kid issues. It’s their house.

i think that if you ask in a polite and casual manner, it wouldn’t be out of place at all.
sure, they’re doing you a favour by letting you live there, but any reasonable person wouldn’t be offended by the simple asking of something like that.

I think it is a basic courtesy for any member of the household to let others know when guests are expected.

From the vantage point of a 60-year-old father of four, I can say that 1) Adults have an obligation to include the feelings and wishes of their children, especially their more mature children, in any decision that effects the whole family. However, 2) In my experience parents are desperate to have their teenagers stay close to the family, and it’s the kids who can’t wait to leave.

… but yes, common courtesy would suggest that it’s proper to let people in the house know when others are expected to visit.

@tiffyandthewall I have asked politely. A few minutes ago, I just happened to over hear them talking about having people over on Saturday. If I had not have gone downstairs when I did, I would not have known until the people walked through the door.

id say invite your own crew over on Saturday, about an hour before their guests are supposed to arrive. and let the games begin!

I don’t have a crew….
But good idea

Also I wanted to say that I can see how this would see like a small problem to you all, but having no privacy and living with people I don’t like is enough of a hassle without having five more people invade my personal space when I’m just trying to make it through the day.

I think it’s a perfectly reasonable request. But, you’ve asked and they haven’t complied… I wouldn’t look for this to change any time soon. :(

I think it’s reasonable to ask them to tell you about it.
My parents always made sure to inform me if they planned to have guests over, so I could hide in my room or go hang out with friends and avoid dealing with old people with weird accents and smells.

@augustlan yea, me either
@Sarcasm since I know that there will be people here, I’ll probably go out and shop. Maybe see a movie by myself. lol@old people smells

I wonder how much more informed you would be if you acted more like a family member and less like a roommate. I always knew about my parents’ plans by listening to their public conversations. As they talk about what they will be serving or who will be setting up the extra chirs, I would offer to help and figure out if this was where I wanted to be on Friday night.

If you aren’t covering ⅓ of the expenses, then don’t expect to be making ⅓ of the decisions in the house. Say thank you for their support and if you can’t, then find your own place where it’s all about you.

I think so.
I have a terror of talking to people in a language I’m not fluent in, people from another generation who are mostly interested in talking about their kids (people in my generation!), people that knew me when I was two and drooling…

Perhaps what you can say (I did this in a similar situation) is request they tell you in advance, so you can clean up your clutter & personal belongings that may be lying around the house—living room, dining table, et cetera. Of course, this might not help if you are superneat or they don’t take the hint.

They’re probably used to thinking of it as their house, where they have free rein to make decisions without consulting or notifying another party—or they just forget about telling you. If they don’t want you to move out, you could also make a point of chatting every evening over dinner or dishwashing about their plans for the next day, and work questions about people coming over into that conversation.

@galileogirl I’m doing all I can to move out :)
@kyanblue they don’t forget. they intentionally don’t tell me. they say they don’t have to tell me because it’s their house. I don’t mind it being “their house.” I’ll have my own soon enough. But for now, I’d like to be able to be naked in my own room without being walked in on and told that they saw me naked when I was born and that I belong to them. that’s all.

Thanks for the input. I’m going to bed. Good night, everyone.

Are you paying rent? If so, yes, your request is reasonable. If not, no, you have no rights to that house or any policies being made in it. Wake up each morning and kiss your parents’ feet for putting up with supporting you.

That being said, were you to make such a request, I see no reason your parents couldn’t attempt to notify you. But they are under absolutely no obligation to do so.

I’m with gail and mritty on this one. If you are not contributing to the household finances, then just be happy you have a roof over your head and deal with the inconvience.

You should have privacy in your own room, even if your parents won’t tell you when people are coming over. How about putting a lock on the door? A simple hook and eye lock should be easy enough to install.

Sounds like an unpleasant situation. If you are right in saying they don’t want you to leave, you can tell them that their actions are making it hard for you to stay (or stay close to them after you leave.)

I think these are all signs that you should try harder to move out on your own. If you want privacy and your own space, you need to go and get your own place to live. Your parents pay the bills, thus they make the rules – it’s the OTHER golden rule: he who has the gold makes the rule. My parents certainly would knock before coming into my room, but yours have chosen to not do so, so if you want to be naked then you’ll have to go to a space where your parent’s aren’t.

You say “they don’t want me to ever move out. they’ve expressed that to me.” Yet they won’t give you the courtesy of knocking before entering your room, won’t tell you when they invite people over, etc. So why exactly do their desires matter if you aren’t happy? And of course you do not belong to them, but at this time if you are paying no rent and no costs towards food or utilities, then you are freeloading and do in a certain sense belong to them, at least in terms of pulling some weight around the house. But to presume that because of this they have the right to enter your room is really stretching it.

The best solution to all of this is to move out ASAP.

If you’re paying rent, yes, it’s reasonable.

If you’re living there for free, it’s their house, and if they want to invite other guests over, that’s their decision. Time to find roommates and move out.

@janbb My door doesn’t lock and neither does the bathroom, which sucks. I asked my dad months ago to fix the locks. He said he would. and of course that was a lie. I can’t do it myself because my mom is trying to sell this house so they (and unfortunately me) can move.

And like I said, I’m trying to move out. I should be able to in a month if things I have no control over work out.

Well, if you can’t put a lock on your door or the bathroom on your own, and you can’t negotiate reasonable boundaries with your parents, it sounds like you’re pretty much stuck for the nonce. Move out as fast as you can.

Will do.

@Facade: After reading this, I am less sympathetic.

“Since I know that there will be people here, I’ll probably go out and shop. Maybe see a movie by myself. lol@old people smells

That last remark is neither amusing nor true.. Come over and sniff me and my friends sometime. Sniff my 94-yr-old mother and her friends.

Why can’t you two get jobs? Two incomes should cover rent for one modest yet decent apartment. (Who is “we,” anyway? Your boyfriend?)

@gailcalled I didn’t mean to offend you. @Sarcasm mentioned a smell old people have and I thought it was funny. I still think it’s funny. I have no desire to sniff your mother or her friends.

Keep in mind that it is not funny to incorrectly insult a large part of the general population.

It’s not always incorrect.

Oh look, we’ve veered off subject….

@Facade : I repeat, on topic; “Why can’t you two get jobs? Two incomes should cover rent for one modest yet decent apartment. (Who is “we,” anyway? Your boyfriend?)”

Lol. 20 yr olds who live at home are lazy, sleep too much and are unreasonable.

How childish. Maybe you need a nap. You sound grumpy

@Facade By my reckoning, you’ve now been on fluther for at least 6 consecutive hours, on a weekday. What the hell are you doing? Why are you not out working at or finding a job (or second or third or whatever)? If the only thing actually stopping you from moving out like you claim to want to is the lack of financial ability, you’re not exactly trying hard to rectify that situation, are you?

You “reckon” wrong. It’s really none of your business what I’m doing.

Except that it is, since you’re asking us for our opinions as to whether or not your parents are being “unreasonable”. The answer to that question is directly affected by how much of an effort you’re making to to get out of the house.

I guess I’d have to add to MrItty’s comment the point that finding guests in the house when you get up is one thing at 8 a.m. and another thing at 4 p.m. We don’t know the circumstances.

I don’t want to find unexpected guests in the house at any time of day or night, and I don’t spring them on other people either, so I stand by that principle. But other things you brought up are hard to respond to with any objectivity in the absence of a clear picture. It seems there are numerous other (and deeper) issues here, from who sees whom naked to how many people your parents are housing for free.

The parental attitiude of my house/money my rules is fucking annoying. Be curteous to others, parent, child, spouse, stranger. Facade, tell them how you feel.

To paraphrase-Life is annoying and then you die-deal with it

@tinyfaery Easier said than done when you’re dealing with a hot-tempered 6’4 300lb man who likes to yell. I’ll have to do it (again) when I can handle that.

I had the same father. Never stopped me. But then I was out of the house by 17. None of that bullshit for me.

Yea, in their eyes, I’m still a child to be coddled and controlled. How did it go for you when you first moved out?

Hard as fuck. I was poor and hungry, but I was on my own and at no one’s behest. It’s not for everybody. I’m not the average bear. I would have done anything to get away from my parents.

Is there a pattern to it? If you can figure if there are certain days that people will be there, then assume that there are going to be guests on those days, and be pleasantly surprised if there is not.

@tinyfaery well you turned out great so bravo!
@PandoraBoxx No pattern at all. It’s very random.

I did something here, that i have never done before…....i read eveyone’s answers, before making a comment. there are a lot of pro and con answers for your question. the bottomline is this: you are attempting to move out and thats good. if you are not in college, then you need to be working and living somewhere else. but, you already know this. i see your side and their side, as far being their “little girl”. in their eyes, your will always be this way, so expect it. its natural. you have your own room and thats good. the locks should have been repaired a long time ago. you are not going to like this part. as some of the other people have also answered, i agree that you are limited on your rights, if you are not paying rent. it is their house and their rules. a good way to look at this is to compare your situation to a hotel room. the room belongs to someone else, but you are living there. hotel security(your parents)are responsible for just a few items in your room, like secured doors. owners of the hotel are not responsible for your food(what about your food and your parents? who pays for the food and other utilities?) if you are not contributing financially to your parents home, then you really have no voice in their activities in their home. and, being 20 is not helping eithers situation. you are an adult and we all know you need your own space to live. sounds like your parents are over-bearing, but thats a problem only you can deal with. best bet is to continue to look for a place to live on your own. its a cold world out there, so be prepared to make it on your own for a while. and, concerning your parents guests….no, they should not have to notify you of guests coming to their home. you may not understand this now, but you will once you have children of your own and work for a home thats yours with your rules.

@john65pennington Thanks for your insight =) I moved out about a month ago, so all is well with that.