Am I seeing him or is he becoming my boyfriend? Opinions please!

Ask him out again. If he says no, ask him a follow up question:

“What is the difference between making it ‘official’ and what we are doing right now, beyond labels?”

In fact, ask yourself that question. I ask you that question.

@Grisaille Good question…I guess nothing would be different with labels but it hurt that he called me a friend and I would feel more secure knowing that he likes me enough to be with me properly. Guess they are my own issues more than his though!

Sounds like he’s definitely interested and doesn’t want it to end. I think maybe he’s young and doesn’t have his goals totally figured out yet. Is this true? If so, you’ll be the first to know. He’s going to completely analyze your response to see if you’re going to be supportive and I would bet that he will be able to make his decision then.

You can give him a push by asking him his goals (career, family, places to live), and see if you’re both heading in the same direction, because he doesn’t want things to be harder in the future. Good luck!

@kingmonkey Exactly. Maybe you can change that frame of mind.

I mean, you like him, right? You know for sure that he likes you (the guy wouldn’t be spending that much time with you every day), right?

Isn’t that enough? Enough to be happy? You ARE a friend. What would you have him say, “I’m hanging out with my girlfriend”? What difference does a four letter prefix matter?

Live, young grasshopper. Live and be happy.

Oh, man.

One of two things and neither of them is good.

1. He’s just not that into you, but is a horny 22 year old guy.

2. He is commitment phobic. and at a different place in his life than you are.

In any case, you need to start from the opposite side of the problem. You.

Are you happy spending more and more time with a guy who won’t even acknowledge you are anything other than a friend?

Don’t you want and deserve more than that?

So, what to do? Figure out what you want, and then tell him.

“Mateboy, I love spending time with you. I love the chemistry, but it hurt me when you told Ronny on the phone that you were out with a mate the other night.

I don’t have sex with my mates.

I want to spend my time with someone not afraid to show they care. If that isn’t you right now, I think it’s time for me to move on.”

If he does not step up, then do it. Move on. You will be saving yourself a ton of pain.

I’m gathering you want things to be monogamous? Just flat out ask him, “Am I your girlfriend, or are we just friends with benefits?”

If it’s the latter and your not satisfied with the answer, keep it moving. Life is too short to get wrapped up in one guy who doesn’t know what he wants while you already do. Just see other other people and have your fun too. You never know who you’ll meet or what will happen. Not to mention, if he’s b.s.ing you, he’ll get jealous and make the proper decision and try to keep you for his self.

You said that you’ve never been out with a younger man before. If he’s 22, you still haven’t. This guy is 2 facial hairs and a crotch scratch away from being a teenager. So, “man” is a strong (and indulgent) descriptor.

That being said, at 22, most guys aren’t sure of what they want or mature enough to know it when they see it. (Heck, neither are most young women.) Of course there are exceptions. Maybe you’ve found one of them. However, the fact that he referred to you as a mate is telling—VERY telling. Take heed. Was the friend who called him a woman? In which case, it would make perfect sense for him to be out with a “mate.”

Sounds like you’re having fun. If that’s what you’re looking for right now, say so and hang in there with him. If not, be truthful about that and make sure you invest your time with someone emotionally, spiritually, and mentally in the same place as you.

@NowWhat Yep, I think he is a bit of a dreamer. He has a good job but has had it for years and although he works really hard at it he doesn’t push himself further to fix the points he doesn’t like. Also he has a lot of plans but does nothing to make them happen.

@Grisaille I know what you’re saying is totally right, but would like the reassurance. Maybe not girlfriend but SOMETHING more that means the hours we’d spent together before NOT acting like friends is acknowledged. Just my name would’ve done.

@Marina I don’t think it’s the horny 22 year old thing…I mean he has that in him but he is much more than that with me. I mean makes proper dates, no booty calls, looks after me and for instance I normally cook for him but he is now looking for things we can cook together so I can teach him how to cook. Therefore probably the commitment thing. I know his last girlfriend he split up with 3 years ago and she cheated on him so maybe it’s hurt? Hmm. Also apparently she is very different from me…she was a lot of hard work and quite mental it seems, so maybe his experience of relationships hasn’t been a good one. But you’re definitely right about saying something to him about the mate thing. Definitely.

@SuckaFreeCitizen Monogamous in the sense of not seeing other people, but that doesn’t have to mean be his girlfriend. Just that I’m not ‘just his mate’. I have been on dates with other people (more to balance my feelings for him than anything really) but he doesn’t know this. I know it would hurt his feelings but maybe if I could let him know mildly it would have the desired affect. We had an argument a few weeks ago (only time and he was out of order and cancelled coming over for dinner at mine when I had started cooking….long story) and he told me that he would be gutted to not be with me any more so maybe that would give him the shake up that it is possible I’d not be with him if someone comes along. Hmmm.

I have no answer to this, but it seems to be a pretty common issue. If any gentlemen can shed some light on why dudes do this I would be thrilled to hear your thoughts…

@kingmonkey “Also he has a lot of plans but does nothing to make them happen.” If you know this about him-that this his his orientation toward life-then what more do you expect? Maya Angelou said it best: “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

@nikipedia Dudes do to women what women allow them to do. (I know you asked for a guy’s opinion, but I just couldn’t resist the truth.)

I hate when guys do this (girls too) again it leads to one of my questions “why do we play games with the opposit sex” . honestly I would sit him down one night and in a “carefree” tone: hey so I’m a lil confused about what we are and where I stand to you. don’t get me wrong I love what we do and how we are but it would really help my confusion if I knew what I ment to you and who am I’m to you…are were still just “friends” after this long and how close we’ve become, or do you feel we are past that and are more now?” se what he say and if its what you want or are ok with then have fun and injoy the lad, if its not then think about finding someone to be with you in the way you want. don’t forget you can always be frirnds with him if him being in your life means alot…good luck!

@give_seek Yeah, I know but I mean it in the nicest possible way. He is a really lovely bloke…I don’t feel used, I feel that he really does like me, just confused as to HOW much he likes me. I mean I could say that I am a bit of a dreamer as well and don’t make things happen as much as well, and I mean it of him in terms of him saying “oh I want to go across the globe tomorrow” but never saving towards it or anything. Any plans with me he sticks by and isn’t flakey. He is a funny one as if there was anything bad I’d not be with him, just so lovely apart from not giving me more commitment…or should I say a label on the commitment.

I think the saying that keeps coming to mind is why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free….........

I have a question for you kingmonkey . How long do you think you can continue this way with him before you feel like you are wasting you time with this guy? My own brother strung a girl along this way for 8 full years, and finally admitted to her that he didn’t love her.

They had lived together for several years, and she asked him one day why they hadn’t talked about marrige yet. Poor thing wasted 8 years of her life chasing after something that just wasn’t there! I’d hate to see this happen to you. I have no idea why he is doing this, and he is the only one who can truly answer your question.

I think you might be setting yourself up for some heartbreak if you aren’t listening when he tells you he doesn’t want to commit. Don’t sell yourself short, or allow him to do it either. Don’t make excuses for him and guess why he is doing this, because it could eventually hurt you very badly. If you think asking him would upset the balance of what you now have, you may not have much of a relationship at all. What I mean by this is if he is really into you, he should want to shout it from the rooftops, not hide it from his freinds. You should be first and foremost in his life, not second fiddle or just someone who is available to his beck and call.

There is an old saying that goes something like: “Who buys a cow when you can get the milk for free?” ( I just looked up and saw you used that phrase also!) Try being unavailable to him, and play his game in reverse and see what happens. if you aren’t committed to each other, date someone else. Call his bluff and see how he reacts.

You say you don’t feel used, and he may not consciously be using you, but that’s what’s happeining all the same. over the years I’ve learned tha manipulative people are very nice when they are getting what they want. Try taking that away, and see how nice they remain. I wish you all the best, and I hope things go well for you, but I don’t see any changes coming unless you take a stand with this guy. I think you might want to consider a deadline for him to either put up or shut up, ya know? That’s a more polite way of saying either shit or get off the pot, ha ha!!

So to more directly answer your question: Yes, you are seeing him, but through rose colored glasses. Take the blinders off before you get hurt sweetie!

I didn’t read all of the comments, but this is what I think:

It is possible he already has a girlfriend, and that’s why he doesn’t want the boyfriend/girlfriend label. I don’t want to have you question him, trust is a big thing, but it does make me wonder.

When you both are in a good mood, just tell him you feel like you’re getting mixed messages. Say that you feel for all intents and purposes like his girlfriend, and yet remember him saying he didn’t want that. If he feels that he still doesn’t want you as his girlfriend, ask why. Tell him you feel this is very important… you really like him and like what you have, but the lack of confirmation on his end makes you uncomfortable. If he still doesn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend, stop having sex with him. That’s something that usually people in relationships do.

Also, ask him what he feels about the labels of boyfriend/girlfriend, and if he actually has a response, husband/wife. Some people do not like marriage not because they don’t want to live with their SO forever, but for other reasons (usually their principles or something).

You should really talk this out with him, and if he doesn’t want to talk about it with you right then, tell him that you guys need to talk about it because it is important to you. Have him set a time that he will talk about it. That gives him time to think about it, which is always good because having time like that helps people to think more clearly and have fewer regrets.

He’s 22 years old. His friends aren’t into the commitment stage yet, and he doesn’t want to be the first one to jump off the cliff. Whether or not he calls it dating, that’s what you’re doing.

@PandoraBoxx Yes, he’d be jumping off a cliff.

@ Kingmonkey You just need to be able to give him the space he needs to prioritize everything, and I think that he wants you involved but isn’t sure how to get it right yet.

@NowWhat Yep, I think that’s it as he is involving me more and more in his life. Like it used to be just him and I, but he said that he wants to come out with my friends and has invited me out with his friends too. Maybe just unsure of what balance he wants. God, would be good if people could be more clear!!

He has to figure it out. He’s not there yet. It would be interesting to see what his reaction would be if you told one of your friends that you’re “just mates” in front of him.

I’ll echo what @NowWhat said and add:
For skittish or very hurt people, it feels safer and also makes some sense to put out there at first wanting no commitments, exclusivity, labels or deep talk and it works to an extent for the two people to really feel each other out and allow themselves to become comfortable, trusting and maybe hopeful for something bigger without the pressure of expectations or associations to relationships passed.

It reads as if he definitely likes you more than just hanging out but now he’s going to have to come up with what to call the two of you and guys’ friends don’t make that very easy on them. Keep trying to focus on what goes on between the two of you when face to face because like you say, you’re getting the best energies of each other and maybe that’s a foundation you both need in order to take the risk to share each other in rough patches and regular blah days.

@kingmonkey I hear everything your saying, and I’ve been in a similar situation before: the one where you just don’t know what to make of your relationship and you need some clarification, especially when the actions don’t coincide with what’s been said. Like you’re mates and he doesn’t want to get into a relationship, but you guys are carrying on like a bf and gf would. Honestly, he sounds unsure of what he wants, but I can only guess from the info you’ve shared. For all his unwillingness to be in a relationship it certainly sounds like the both of you are in one. My approach in the similar situation was to just bluntly ask what it is that I needed to know, embarrassment be damned, and then decided from there if it was something I was willing to accept or not. But that’s just me. I tend to be indelicate at times. My uncle told me something once that maybe true for some cases, but may not apply to everyone: Women get with men hoping that they’ll change and men get with women hoping that they’ll never change. It’s just a thought.

@PandoraBoxx Yes, I don’t think he would like it. Recently we went out and saw a load of people that I knew and he made a comment about “God, everyone loves you” and also said “Do you have any male friends that don’t fancy you?”. I’m not trying to come across as the shit, but my point is that he is aware that I get attention and so if I was to pass him off as a friend I doubt he’d be happy. Also he knows of this guy (has met him in passing) that keeps trying to take me out for a drink and has said to me “what if I came up and kissed you in front of him?” so I think there is a certain aspect of ‘laying claim’ to me.

Also, I just thought that if I had to classify him in front of him I don’t know what I would say as it’s not been classified between us. To others I’d say “the guy that I’m seeing” but if he was there I wouldn’t be comfortable with that so maybe he isn’t either.

One more thought…when we had THAT email conversation about where we were 3 months ago, I said that I wasn’t looking for a relationship either, I just wanted to know what was going on. Childish I know, but I think I was trying to save face. Also along the way I have said a few things that I don’t think would’ve given the “I want a boyfriend” vibe and so maybe he is feeding off these as well.

@SuckaFreeCitizen Nail on the head in my opinion! I mean we are pretty much girlfriend and boyfriend in everything but label. I know the label freaks people out though, but that is the way he behaves to me on the whole. I also think that when we did have the conversation about what we were he barely knew me like he does now. I mean I think at that point we’d been out maybe 8 times or something so how well can you know someone. Whereas now he’s stayed with me for whole weekends (even though he only lives locally), took me to the pub so I could watch the football when I was skint (what I mean by that is he loves that I love football enough to watch his team play mine instead of watching it with his mates), knows about my past and my views on things etc, but also and probably most importantly, knows that I’m not some clingy needy girl who moans and nags (I’m really getting that picture across on here right?!!!! haha!) and basically that I’m not hard work, so maybe having a girlfriend like me isn’t that scary as opposed to it being that way before he knew me.

@kingmonkey Word! So what are you waiting for? Communication is paramount in a relationship. ;-)

@SuckaFreeCitizen Gosh…time to get my courage shoes on right??! I’m so silly as I’m able to talk to him so frankly about anything else…for instance just sat in the pub having a very open and honest conversation about sex with him…as in mine and his sex life, and not embarrassed about that at all, but asking him a question which is effectively “how much do you like me” after it’s stripped down, is really scary! Think that’s starting to sound like a fear of rejection to me!

I think my gateway in to the conversation is to mention the friend thing maybe….“err, we’re not friends” and see where it goes from there as not sure I am brave enough to go from “Listen to this new song I downloaded, it’s amazing” to “do you want to be my boyfriend?”. I need a run up!

@kingmonkey LOL. Yup. It’s time for the ultimate vulnerability. Either way, I think you’ll be okay once you know for sure. Maybe the worst part is not knowing.

Let me ask a rhetorical question, which is going to sound nasty, but I’m just putting it this way to let off steam.

What the fuck is it about women that they always have to define a relationship? Why the fuck can’t you see with your eyes instead of needing to hear words?

Sorry about that. It really does annoy me, though. I think it’s been going on for so long, and it frustrates me that women still ask for something that is kind of alien to a lot of men. Men tend not to want to define relationships. In a way, it’s just weird. I mean, we wonder, can’t you see what’s happening? Why on earth do you need me to say it?

Of course, women, for whatever reason, do want their guys to say it. “I love you.” “I want you, forever.” “Let’s get hitched.” That’s a way that an awful lot of women feel like they know something.

It’s a delusion, but it’s a delusion that seems to satisfy women. So, as my therapist said, “if it makes your wife happy, why not say it? It’s no skin off your teeth.” So I say, “I love you,” even though it should be perfectly obvious from the way I do everything to try to move heaven and earth to make her happy.

Words can lie, easily. Behavior doesn’t lie. Look at your boyfriend’s behavior. Does someone who is just getting some booty behave like that? I don’t know. What do you think? Pay attention to your own fucking eyes, ok? Why is it that you don’t trust your own judgment? You know what is going on. Words won’t change it any way at all, except you probably think they will make it more real. That’s just a delusion. It’s as real as it’s going to get.

Guys say, “I do,” because it makes women feel good. We don’t say it because it makes a difference to us. We don’t need “I do’s” in order to know what’s going on. We are willing to observe and draw our own conclusions.

We don’t need to say “I love you” except as a sign of passion. The underlying emotion can’t be spoken. It can only be lived.

Being reassured because your man defines your relationship in words is like mistaking fools gold for the real thing. If you can’t see the real thing, then you deserve to be fooled by words. If you can see it, then words don’t matter.

Of course, from a woman’s point of view, words matter a lot. You put great faith in words. It’s as if something isn’t real until it is put into words. I guess it’s like the idea that perception is reality. Saying it makes it so.

If your BF is smart, he’ll tell you what you want to hear. Not because he is pandering or trying to get over on you. Just because it makes you feel good. However, underneath, he’ll probably be wondering why you can’t see what’s right before your eyes.

I really don’t get this. I’ve gotten into trouble in my marriage for not using words. It’s painful to me that my wife seems to place more faith in my words than in my actions. It’s as if my actions don’t amount to shit unless I tell her, in words, what they mean.

“I cook because I love you. I do chores because I love you. I plan with you because I love you. I spend time with you because I love you. I am a good father to our children in part because I love you. I work to earn money because I love you. I kill mice for you because I love you. I put up with your incomprehensible worries because I love you.”

Sometimes, making a guy define something in words makes him feel like you just don’t get it. It can make him feel like he made a mistake in giving you all that he has. You don’t recognize it. It can make him question the relationship and draw away.

Paradoxically, this can be because when a guy says something in words, then he is making a promise forever forward, and that has to be a lie, because the future is not something you can lock into place. A guy’s word is not his intention, it’s his ironclad promise. It is not something you can give for anything more than a few days or weeks into the future. After that, it’s a lie. Not because we intend to deceive; it’s a lie because there’s no way we can know what will happen in the future.

Women want a guy to speak his intentions, but a guy believes his intentions are spoken by his actions. Words are used only for things a man can control. A man can’t control a woman any more than he can control his future. An honest man will only talk about the next few weeks or months. Anything farther in the future than that is highly speculative—practically a lie.

Don’t make him do it. Just use your eyes and see what his actions tell you. It is much harder to tell lies with actions than it is with words. Do you really want guys to lie? Because we might if you force us to. We might also just give up something good because our sense of integrity won’t allow us to lie because someone we care about wants us to.

Only you can deal with your insecurity. If you trust his words over his actions, then you get what you deserve.

@daloon: I love this and can say by experience it’s really spot on:

a guy believes his intentions are spoken by his actions.

Just use your eyes and see what his actions tell you.

It is much harder to tell lies with actions than it is with words.

We might also just give up something good because our sense of integrity won’t allow us to lie because someone we care about wants us to.

@daloon Oftentimes words are empty and therefore pointless, but not all the time. Sometimes articulating how you feel about someone is an action. Why are there so many great poems about love and affection? Sometimes people need words along with actions because we’re also verbal creatures. Sometimes there is a vulnerability in the mere act of verbal expression that can deeply touch another. The misconception is that it is only women that ever feel this way or that men only ever feel the way that you do.

@SuckaFreeCitizen It would be interesting to count how many of those poems go from men to women as compared to the other way around. My hypothesis is that the men to women ones would be significantly greater than the other way around. I wish we could get some real data about that.

Yes, people need words along with actions. Words can express a vulberability. However, what I’m saying is that is predominantly a more feminine thing. Sometimes you don’t get words. What then? Do you demand them? Do you look at the person’s behavior? Do you deny that their behavior has any meaning unless you get words?

All I’m saying is that perhaps he is expressing a vulnerability, but because you demand words, you are missing it. I’m also suggesting that in demanding words, you may be pushing him away. Like I said, I think words mean different things to men and women, on average.

You seem to be looking for reassurance about his thinking on the importance of your relationship. You look for signs and signals in everything. You obsess about the meaning of his use of the word “mate,” and the absence of words reassuring you that he thinks of you as his girlfriend.

It’s only been five months. He’s four years younger than you are. He’s a guy. You’re not. You are at different points in your lives. Yet he spends a lot of time with you. He takes care of you. He divulges details of his personal life. He talks about you to his friends. He was upset that you wouldn’t come to his birthday party. He wants to go on holiday with you. The only thing he doesn’t do is say the words.

To me, he’s speaking loud and clear. I don’t understand why this upsets you. It sounds to me like you are trying to change him in some way that is not part of his nature. It sounds to me that if you wait, you’ll probably get what you want. It sounds to me like if you want to express your feelings, then you should go right ahead and do it. Lead by example.

This is new to him. It sounds like he’s never had a serious relationship before. He has lots of preconceptions about it. It sounds like he may believe that if it is a real relationship, it’ll turn bad. Let him grow. Let him decide things on his own. If you push him to do something that doesn’t feel right to him, you may just push him right away. Leave it alone, and trust his actions.