Why might people prefer not to move beyond small talk?

Small talk bores me, but I generally prefer to keep people at arm’s length for a while.

The things I care about also tend to not be the things that other people care about. This doesn’t bother me, but it means that my eyes will glaze over quickly if you start talking about TV shows, and I won’t bother talking about any of the things I care about unless you’ve given some indication that you might be interested.

And politics and religion are just foolish, because I’m far more likely to offend or be offended in a serious discussion of either with a relative stranger than to actually learn something or be convinced of a different point of view.

I think small talk is just fine.~

But seriously, I think that sometimes it is a combination of everything you said. Sometimes it is just testing the waters, not sure what topics are controversial, not sure how the other participant(s) would react to a particular topic, don’t have the time for an extended serious conversation.

But you don’t see a lot of small talk on Fluther, that’s for sure

So uh… how about the weather?

Because they’re not interested in talking about themselves to you or learning anything more about you.

Small talk has a purpose. There are times when it’s not appropriate to have a serious discussion, it’s not always good to jump into an in-depth conversation. We all have parts of ourselves that are private and we must build a relationship first, and trust, and all that, because if we opened ourselves to everyone we’d be out of sorts with all the kinds of problems

I think small talk serves a purpose as far as passing the time. For instance, if you’re stuck in a long line, it helps to pass the time if you chat it up with the person behind you. Unless I really want to get to know the person, I keep the conversation simple with just some small talk.

I know of many people who are too socially awkward to engage in small talk. I admit, at times I can be one of those people, but I’m forcing myself out of the habit.

I honestly believe some people don’t exert their brains any harder or think any deeper than that. Talk to them is a form of entertainment, done as mindlessly as flipping on the TV, just to have something going on. I don’t think they mean any harm—quite the contrary—but thirty seconds’ silence in an elevator is too much for them and has to be broken.

In situations of many kinds, from hair salons to funerals, there’s a fair amount of pressure to engage in small talk. Some folks honestly do have a strong desire (a) to do what’s expected, (b) to fit in, and {c) to ingratiate themselves to others. I think small talk works for them. Maybe they even like it. Usually I’d prefer to pass the time in the company of my own thoughts.

All discussions that are not small talk do not have to be deep and serious. They can be light-hearted, witty, and fun, or they can be quite personal even if not necessarily soul-baring. They just have to be genuine and not jabber for jabber’s sake.

Silence is always a reasonable alternative to premature self-disclosure.

I am so thrilled. A new friend just used the word “apotheosis” in my presence (sort of).

For some it may be, as stated in the question, a fear of being judged. I think that most people don’t really wanna know anything personal about me, and so I just don’t tell them. I prefer to talk about a current event over small talk. I could care less if my politics show, go ahead and judge away!

Small talk has a role in society. it serves as a kind of verbal lubrication for necessary social intercourse.

It is a sort of oral coin of the realm, a cultural watchword that establishes to others, “I am one of you.”

For me, I use it when I want to hold people at arm’s length.

I use it when I want to persuade someone to help with an issue (a customer service person, for example.)

I use it when a modicum of civility is required, but I can’t stand the person.

I find it a handy tool.

I love small talk and I love the talks that follow! I’m a very social person and I would always love to get past the small talk and make new friends :]

I “prefer not to move beyond small talk” because I’m highly educated/intelligent and I realize that the (usually strongly-worded, obnoxious, little-thought out) opinion of some bumpkin (on politics, religion, or philosophy) is usually not worth listening to.

I sometimes enjoy listening to small talk (well depending on the subject) but I have never felt particularly adept at making it. I don’t usually have too much to say unless it is a subject that means something to me.

Fluther is interesting because you put out there what you truly think and if you’re lucky you will get a little lurve for it but you also take the risk that you will get addressed directly and admonished or told you are wrong. It is sort of like practice for life in the real world, but it gets kind of scary sometimes as well.

I would also say I am a highly intelligent girl, but I would never say someone is not worth listening to :[ hahaha you never know! they could be a good person :]

@Brahmaviharas ain’t you just a special little tulip

@Brahmaviharas, you must not meet very many like yourself.

Or rather, you won’t know if you do meet your equal because you will have dismissed him or her in advance.

I’m pretty sure you won’t be talking to me because I’ll be over in the corner laughing with @gailcalled, @Marina, @rooeytoo, @daloon, and whoever else comes along.

It is considered rude among the uneducated lower classes. One quick way to become unwelcome in a trailer park or barrio is to come out with something like, “Say, what do you think of Bernache’s fiscal and monetary policy?” It is shaming to bring up a topic that other people can’t follow or contribute. So, they tend instinctively to stick with “He said/she said.” as the mainstay of conversation. And the way they settle an argument is, “This is what I think and anyone who says different is just itchin for a fight.” (<Sock> <pow>)

Defining your terms, taking care that you are not arguing past one another, constructive, mutual exploration of a topic are just not in their skill set. They require a college education at the very least.

Hmmm? sniff sniff Somebody in the house is smoking pot. I’m going to investigate.

Oh how did I miss that response by @Brahmaviharas???

Lurve to @ABoyNamedBoobs03 and @Jeruba for fielding it sooooooooo politely!

I think small talk is a really cultural thing.

In Iceland people really don’t talk that much with strangers and everyone is really comfortable with being silent in an elevator for 30 seconds.

It might also be related to their drinking habits… >_>

Moving beyond small talk can become stressful.

@Haffi112 : This wonderful little poem bears repeating:

The Icelandic Language

In this language, no industrial revolution;
no pasteurized milk; no oxygen, no telephone;
only sheep, fish, horses, water falling.
The middle class can hardly speak it.

In this language, no flush toilet; you stumble
through dark and rain with a handful of rags.
The door groans; the old smell comes
up from under the earth to meet you.

But this language believes in ghosts;
chairs rock by themselves under the lamp; horses
neigh inside an empty gully, nothing
at the bottom but moonlight and black rocks.

The woman with marble hands whispers
this language to you in your sleep; faces
come to the window and sing rhymes; old ladies
wind long hair, hum, tat, fold jam inside pancakes.

In this language, you can’t chit-chat
holding a highball in your hand, can’t
even be polite. Once the sentence starts its course,
all your grief and failure come clear at last.

Old inflections move from case to case,
gender to gender, softening consonants, darkening
vowels, till they sound like the sea moving
icebergs back and forth in its mouth.

—Bill Holm

@gailcalled Thank you. I really enjoyed that one! :)

@Haffi112: How could you not, being acquainted with Iceland?

@gailcalled I’m not sure. My small talk skills are too limited to not like it I guess. :)

@Haffi112: Do you speak Icelandic?

@gailcalled Is that poem an accurate description of the language? Do Icelanders really not indulge in small talk?

I can only speculate; Bill Holmes spent time in Iceland. I would guess that he is talking about the pure old language. I am sure the modern version has be anglecised a little.

About Bill Holm

“Holm… born in 1943 on a farm north of Minneota, Minnesota, He continues to live in Minneota half the year while he teaches at Southwest State University…. He spends his summers at his little house on a northern Iceland fjord where he writes, practices the piano, and waits for the first dark after three months of daylight….

Yeah I speak Icelandic, I’m a native and it’s my mother tongue.

Icelanders do of course indulge in small talk, it’s just cultural differences. There is a lot of difference to the States for example. My friend once lived in the States and the people next door greeted him and said that he was always welcome for a visit. When he showed up the next day they were surprised because they were just being kind, they didn’t mean anything with the invitation.

Maybe we just take things more seriously. At least I’ve never seen that kind of talk in Iceland.

@Haffi112 why would you invite someone over and not really want them to? I don’t know if that’s an American trend or that his neighbors were just D-bag yuppies…

I have trouble engaging in small talk because (I would guess) I believe it is frivolous. It’s not that I don’t like it, and it’s not that I can’t. It just simply seems superfluous. If I have something meaningful to say, I’ll say it. If I don’t, I don’t say anything. This must be hard on my girlfriend!

@Marina “verbal lubrication for necessary social intercourse.”

Very well said.

I don’t DO small talk – a lot of the time this makes me ‘weird’ to people. I will do it when I need to gain something from the situation like at work, but never otherwise. And like @Jeruba said I don’t think for some people small talk is small, it’s just their talk and there isn’t much there…I dismiss a lot of people, yes, but so what? do I really have to be ‘good friends’ with everyone or ‘meet new people’ all the time…I barely have time for the people that I love and believe to be my equals

@Shuttle128 ”If I have something meaningful to say, I’ll say it. If I don’t, I don’t say anything. This must be hard on my girlfriend!
i completely agree.
my boyfriend gets mad sometimes because i don’t talk much. he says i’m a closet intellectual because i like to read and write a lot, so i must know my share of things.
i, however, much prefer to listen to other people and take in their opinion on things and just sort of be on the sidelines of things.
kinda like i am on here..

@amoreno06 One of those silent but deep people?

When I’m in a classroom or other group discussion situation, I try to make sure that those people contribute to the conversation. They often bring up very interesting issues.

@amoreno06 I am like that too, a “silent but deep person”. I like to be more of an observer than a player in conversations, unless it is with my closest of friends. I am quite an introverted type of person, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. It just means to me that I am very observant, and I don’t feel the need to fill every silence.

@desiree333 You may not feel that, but I think of that as kind of selfish. I want to know what you are thinking about. Withholding that is not doing your share of the heavy lifting. You may have some contribution that is very valuable to others, but if you continue to think of yourself as introverted, no one will ever know, and we may be all the worse because of it.

You can downplay your potential contribution, but that is not for you to judge. It’s not about “filling every silence.” It’s about honoring other people by giving them the opportunity to benefit from your contributions.

When I used to drive a shuttle bus, I was ordered by management to make small talk with the customer, if there’s only 1 customer with me. It was mandatory.

One day I picked up an old lady at the airport, she must have been anywhere from 70 to 89. I loaded her stuff into the van, helped her in, then began the drive to her home in La Jolla.

On the way, I began the mandatory process of small-talk.

“How was your trip?” I asked.

She looked at me and said sternly: “I’m too old, busy, and tired for small talk. So please do not talk to me during the trip and just drive”.

I nodded, then drove her home without saying a word.

I carried her luggage to her apartment door and said a neutral feeling “thanks”.

She then handed me $25 (when the average tip is zero to 8 dollars).

I then genuinely said “thanks!” and she smiled for the first time since our meeting at the airport, and we waved and I left.

I’ll always remember and respect that lady for every action of hers. She was real, simple, logical, and generous, all hiding behind what seems to be a bitter lady, but in reality is not bitter but beautiful.