Who should pay for the first date?

People are more likely to tell you that you should pay half, because of the whole equal rights thing and the idea that women should expect to have things like this paid for them is outdated. However, I would expect the guy to pay if he invited me and I would expect to pay if I invited the guy. ;)

The “inviter” should pay, the “invitee” should not.

I believe that you should carry enough money so that you can cover your half in case things get sticky and you want to get up and leave. If he offers though, you could accept it, that’s a chivalrous thing for him to do. Generally though, @syz is correct, the presumption is that the inviter should offer to pay. This way so long as you both invite each other out roughly equally, it is pretty much the same as going dutch, just in a less obvious and “at the table” way.

Take money and pay your half. It will be lovely if he offers, but don’t expect it.

Agreed with @syz. Whoever does the asking is the one who paid. If you ask someone out, you’re effectively getting them a gift. You don’t expect the recipient of the gift to pay for half of the gift.

That being said, anyone (male or female) who thinks that he/she is “entitled” to any particular behaviors or expectations because he/she footed the bill is a vile person and should be dumped at the earliest possible moment.

I agree with @syz as well. He asked, he pays. And like @dynamicduo said, you should bring money just in case—you never know when you’ll need it, but don’t expect to pay.

Let him pay, but you should at least offer to split it. Still, let him pay.
If you are the more finacialy secure person next time you should do the asking and inviting
(and paying).

u should let him pay for it

George Soros.

I’m sort of curious—does the form or wording of the invitation matter. Is “wanna catch a movie?” different from “can I take you to a movie?”

Is there a difference between inviter and person suggesting an activity to participate in? Or does the person who comes up with the idea, no matter how they form the invitation, always have to pay?

I’m old fashioned, I guess. I always pay for dates. It just doesn’t feel right for me not to pay.

@daloon I was thinking something similar. “Will you let me take you to a movie?” means “I’m paying”. “Hey wanna get together?” isn’t what I would consider an offer to pay.

the “man”

Male, half and half, or who invited are all perfectly fine.

As a guy, though, I only let my girlfriend pay maybe 1 in 40 times. Even then, usually it’s if I’m really broke (I’m in college).

I agree with syz . He should pay, because he invited you.

I agree that he should pay because he invited you. If you had invited him, you should pay (although the old-fashioned part of me says he should pay for that too).

If you go for coffee or a movie or something after dinner, I think you should try to pay for that though.

I have never paid for a date before. I personally carry cash with me just in case. But I think that if i’m invited, the person inviting should should be the one responsible for paying.

Doubt many of you on here have had a real date. The Man pays always.

Thank God for @unit. We can bag this thread now.

@unit, welcome to 2009. How’s 1970 treating you?

you have the 70’s beard

@unit oh well said sir. I bow to your superior wit.

Oy.

I Thank you sir

@unit That’s true. Except you know, in cases where the woman wants equality, makes a living on her own, and enjoys doing nice things for others, and in cases where the man does not want to feel like a walking wallet.

But hey, if those things don’t sound appealing to you, enjoy your “real dates.”

So whats wrong with being a Gentleman and offering to pay

@unit Nothing at all. No one ever said there was anything wrong with a man (or a woman) offering to pay. Where are you getting this from, and how does it relate to your original post?

So if we went out for dinner and I demanded to pay, would that offend you?
Dont understand what you mean by “where are you getting this from”

@unit: I doubt that if you asked me to dinner, I would accept, but this is 2009. Whoever invited the other person on the date should pay, whether that person is male or female.

There’s nothing wrong with being a gentleman and offering to pay, but there’s a great deal wrong with adhering to outdated sexist stereotypes and insisting that the man should always pay regardless of who asked whom.

Personally, I think it depends on how you’re raised. I mean, I don’t take the garbage out, only because I was raised that that is how it is. I only take it out when I don’t have a guy around. I was also raised that the guy should be the one paying. Especially, when they are usually the ones to make the first move.

Careful brinibear , all the single people will slag you off ,saying how wrong you are. But they know best ay.

@unit the last I checked, I was single, since May. But anyways, I have never paid while on a date. I offer, but I am always shot down.

First date? Most likely the guy, but it can be split in half and not mean anything. Or, whoever asked. I think it depends on the situation.

I’ve never been on a first date where I paid. But it was because they asked me, and wanted to take me out…I still brought money just in case.

Bring your money, offer to pay for your part and accept graciously whatever response you receive.

I (as a guy) pay for the first and any dates. But if she insists I have no problem with her paying or splitting. We are adults, no biggie.

It should never be about the money but the person you are with.

Don’t offer. He asked you, he should pay. If you start dating regularly then offer to split some of the costs with him. But for the first date that he asked you on, he pays.

@unit I would be offended if a man I was on a date with “demanded” to do anything.

Say you had a dinner date at your home. Would you be offended if he demanded to do the washing up!! I think not.

Well @unit, You’ve managed to discourage me. I can’t follow this thread any longer.

@unit If he demanded? YES. I would be offended. If he offered? If he made it clear in a friendly way that he wanted to help? Sure, wash away, and thanks! But if he demanded? Get the hell out of my house, homie.

@pdworkin bye then

I was raised to be a gentleman when in the presence of a lady regardless of circumstance. So no matter who invited who, who chose the venue, who has the higher income or how long you’ve know eachother… i would feel uncomfortable if any lady i went out with had any excuse to open her purse other than looking for a mint or touching up lipstick or something.
It would also be very dangerous for me… especialy if the lady i question is anyone other than my lovely fiancee…regardless of who paid.

@Dr_C I was raised to believe that “being a gentleman” doesn’t mean “be condescending”. That’s just me.

@MrItty maybe the tone in my answer is a bit off but it was not meant to be condescending. It was meant to illustrate (rather poorly it seems) that it would be my preference to pay in any and all instances.

@Dr_C I don’t think you were trying to be condescending. I just think that the attitude of “I’m the man, you’re just the woman, so you shouldn’t pay” is condescending.

Fortunately, this will all balance out on its own. There are the full range of opinions on this question, from both males and females. Therefore, the ones who agree are going to naturally find each other in the end, and be happy with the decision, regardless of what anyone not involved in their pairing thinks. Yay!

Although… I do have to ask… those of you who believe “the man always pays”... who pays on a date between two gay women?

guys pay, virtually everytime they have the means to do so, just how it works.

It’s all about power relationships. Traditionally, the man has the power, so he pays. What is surprising to me is how many women are complicit in this.

When I was young, it was the around the time of the blooming of the feminist movement in the 70s. Women were very aware of this, and many did not want a man to pay. I grew up thinking that letting a woman pay her share was a sign of respect for her independence and equality in society.

Of course, feminism seems to have run its course these days. Young women often seem to think the battle has been won; equality is achieved, and now we can go back to the old order, and take the perks of male-female courtship rituals. One of those perks is having the man pay for the privilege of your presence.

I bought into the idea of money symbolizing power relationships, and the idea of women being equal in importance and earning potential and say within a community or a relationship. Whether or not people are conscious of it or willing to admit it, men expect something in return for paying for dates, and women’s quid pro quo for dates is usually sex.

I’m just surprised that women are comfortable putting themselves in this position. I know that most women will deny this is the case. Letting the guy pay for the date is not equivalent to being willing to hop in the sack with him. Most women, I’m sure, will deny this vociferously.

Well, I think women are being complicit in their subordination in society. I think they subliminally encourage the perception that their sex objectifcation is acceptable. Women are therefore complicit in diminishing the respect men have for other aspects of their value.

Call me an old fogey. Call me a sexist. Call me a cheapskate. Whatever. I see this assumption about being a “gentleman” and the proper role for a “gentleman” is somewhat pernicious and endangering the gains women have made in becoming treated as equals in society.

IMHO the person who invites should pay. But I will say although I have never taken a woman up on the offer, I found her willingness to offer an attractive quality

@daloon: It’s a win-win situation for certain women. If the man tries to treat her as if she’s second-class, she gets to object, because women are equal. But if he expects her to behave as an equal in some circumstances—like paying for dinner—she also gets to object, because he’s being a crass materialist instead of a romantic.

Decent people are prepared to pay their own way, regardless of plumbing.

@cwilbur what kind of woman considers it a win when she “gets to object”? I thought the point of a date was to enjoy oneself and possibly start a relationship, not to try to “beat” the other participant at something…

“The inviter should pay.” That’s fine and all, and although I have to agree… This is why women typically don’t ask guys out.
“The man ALWAYS pays.” See above.
If guys DIDN’T pay.. Hell, humanity might go extinct. =/

@Piper_Brianmind uhhhhh no. Maybe the women who consider it appropriate to exchange sex for a meal might go extinct. But not humanity.

@MrItty: You haven’t been on some of the dates I’ve been on.

@Piper_Brianmind: I’m getting really sick and tired of being told I must do something, because otherwise humanity might go extinct. I think humanity is doing a fine job of keeping itself alive, to the tune of nearly 7 billion people on the planet, and I really don’t think that expecting a modern, liberated woman who believes in equal rights to be prepared to pay her own way at dinner will cause that many deaths all at once.

@cwilbur you are correct. Good for me! :-)

@Mrltty I think you responded to me jokingly jumping the gun to ACTUALLY jumping the gun. What I’m saying is that typically, it’s normal to want to get to know someone first BEFORE bumpin uglies with them. Alot of the time, these instances in which people become familiar with each other fall into the category of ‘dating’. Dating… needs an impetus. Dating… needs someone to INITIATE it. If guys are typically the only ones who DO initiate it… and then they… STOP… well? In the bounds of what’s proper, and what I (in good humor) pointed out that rarely ever occurs, there would BE no dating and there would BE no sex. “People can have sex without dating first.” I know that. But I’m pointing out to YOU that this was stated ‘within the bounds of what’s proper’, and I personally was being OPPOSED to casual sex. I just wish dating was more of a collaborative effort and less of a “game”. I agree with you on that front.

@cwilbur
I simply cannot stress enough that it was a j-o-k-e. Jeepers. You’re not going to suddenly bring forth apocalypse by being an opportunist cheapskate. It’s just certainly not helping anyone, either.
Also, what in the name of midgets on rollerblades are you talking about? You said in the same breath that you’re for equal rights and yet refuse to pay equal share. Isn’t that just a teensie bit contradicting? Refer to your recent post. “If he offers, I can object. If he DOESNT offer, I can object to THAT.” Oh come on. You don’t want equality. You want the upper hand.

@Piper_Brianmind I don’t understand the logical you leap you make from “Guys predominantly do the asking” to “If guys didn’t ask, humanity would die out.” You honestly think that if guys stopped asking (as much), women wouldn’t start asking (more)? I don’t believe women are that foolish. The majority of the women I know are intelligent and self-assured enough that if they want to go out with a guy and he hasn’t asked yet, they’re more than willing and able to ask.

BTW, it’s traditional on the internet that when you’re joking about something, you indicate that via some sort of clue like ”:-)”. Otherwise, no one here knows what kind of tone you were using in your head when you typed it.

I did use a clue. It wasn’t the same exact face. But it was a face, dammit. It counts. =/

Eh. Fair enough. I honestly didn’t notice the =/ and take it to mean “joking”. My bad.

I didn’t know there was a protocol of which face means joking. lol.

if women offer to pay and actually mean it, by all means, but the frequency in which that happens (in my personal experience) is very low. I could probably count on my fingers and toes how many times that’s happened and I’ve been on plenty of dates. I don’t mind paying when I can afford it, it’s never bothered me and it’s never been a “because I’m a dominant male and you’re just a lowly woman.” issue. My mother just taught me that is was gentlemanly, a nice gesture to show you’re not a bum, and that’s all it’s ever been with me. If some girl get’s honestly insulted when she get’s a free meal, drink, or movie ticket, I’d advise them to relax a little bit.

@Piper_Brianmind like I said, “My bad”. You did fine. I goofed. A’ight?

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 of your “plenty of dates”, how many did you ask, and how many were you being asked?

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 I used to date a girl who worked IN the movie theater. So BOTH our tickets were free. lol. Good times.

@PiperBrianmind: You need to reread the post I made that you’re criticizing; I think it is fairly clear that I wasn’t saying what I believe, but describing the way a certain type of opportunistic woman behaves.

He asked you out, so let him pay.

The times they are a’ changin’ , Bummer, can’t even take a girl out anymore without having to bring a W-2, uh, what. Anyway, I’ve slept in a bush one night covered in newspaper with my wristwatch set to the time the sprinklers turn on so I don’t get wet. Then taken a girl out the next night, and paid for it. True story

I am a woman answering this as a woman who dates men.

whoever invites that’s the easy one
There are the situations though where one person doesn’t make much money and the other makes more and the one making more insists on paying for the dates regardless of which of them suggests activities. Also, there are men who insist to pay for everything because they feel most comfortable that way, the enjoy to take that role and mostly want for you to feel comfortable with it instead of feeling “bought” or put into any submissive position.

Usually people pay half, but it is a nice gesture if the guy will buy you a drink or something else small like dessert :)

Thanks for all the advice. It was a really nice first date. He ended up paying for dinner (which has nothing to do with it being a good date).

I am female and if a guy asked me out on a date I would expect him to pay as it was gesture made by him asking me out. However if we were a little further into the relationship and “dates” we made by mutual arrangement then I would offer to pay or at least pay for my share.

I don’t think women expect men to pay but are encouraged by a man who doesn’t expect a woman to pay but then again I am a little old fashioned like that

My husband has it good, we have a shared bank account all our money is pooled and we each spend as and when, so when we go out he gets out his card and look like he is paying for everything when it’s both our money!!!

What makes me giggle though is when I decided to get my purse out and pay, especially if it’s something expensive, the shop assistants give us really funny looks!

@sakura that’s awesome.

@sierra—do you think you would have felt as good about the date if he didn’t pay? In my experience it sort of sours things when you have a nice date and the man doesn’t offer to pay at the end.

And to everyone who has been debating the feminist thing, I think it’s possible for a man to be both a feminist, AND a gentleman. I consider myself to be a feminist, but I’m also looking for a man who can be a man, pay for a date, and let me pay for the second date. It’s not about the money, it’s about the gesture.

@emilyrose well said