How giving are you/ will you be with your children?

one thing that would be helpful (if you put it in your question) is how old is the parent and how old is (are) the child.

I am 43 and my daughter is 2. I am not going to buy her everything, but i will buy her what i think is quality stuff, not junk, and I will buy her things that i think will help her learn. She’s still at the age where if she grabs something off a store shelf, i let her hold it and then when we get near the cash register I distract her and take it and put it elsewhere. I do want her to have opportunities (when the time comes) to go to camp, and to have some things like tennis lessons, or skating lessons, or whatever interests her at the time.

I don’t think it’s right that every time a new video game comes out, kids get the whole system plus cartridges or whatever, and the old one becomes garbage, and the kids just want more more more. However, I do understand there is something to be said for the child not feeling like her friends have stuff that she does not have. I guess i’ll have to walk a fine line and come to that when the time comes.

@jca I assumed people would say what they did and what ages (for both themselves and the child(ren))

Everything you do affects children. It may not seem that way, because after a certain age, the rebellious nature kicks in (so while you’re still affecting them, your progress is going the opposite way you intend it to). In that way, maybe spoiling kids (of a certain age) will make them feel insulted and want to earn more themselves. It’s all about timing, I think.
As for me, I’ll be compelled to spoil my kids, either way. But only if they give me good reason to. I was reasonably spoiled as a kid, but whenever I wanted something, I typically gave a pretty good reason for why I wanted it and how it would help me. However, I also don’t want them to end up lazy like me. So although they may or may get alot of stuff, it WILL have to be earned (good grades, keeping up with chores, etc, typical shist).
Edit: I’m going on 23. No kids yet, but I do want them.

My kids are teenagers so I am currently engaged in the Zen-like process of “giving without giving.” In other words, I don’t give them the things. Instead, I give them opportunities to earn things (including my respect) by learning how to budget both time and money, a skill I expect to serve them well all their lives.

They have never lacked for material goods in their lives, but have had to wait at times for things they wanted but didn’t need.

@Piper_Brianmind I agree about the timing thing. I’m curious about the gifts for good grades thing. I was never rewarded for good grades even though I had straight A’s. I was only scolded for not having perfect scores. I remember hearing classmates talk about the money they received for getting B’c and C’s; I was flabbergasted lol. What would constitute a “good grade” in your opinion?

@Facade Well… I had pretty much straight Ds/Fs freshman year of high school… Yeah, I would say Bs are good. Cs are okay, but not worth reward. Higher than a B = reward. Lower than a B = scolding. D or worse = actual punishment. I think you getting JUST the scolding/punishment half is pretty unfair. lol.
My Gramma did it kinda like…
End of marking period (or was it end of semester?) report card… Every A = five dollars. Unless it was ALL As, then I think a 10 dollar bonus. It was a long time ago.

@Piper_Brianmind Your way sounds fair

I’m 53, my daughter 13 and my son 9. It’s a little scary, because we’ve got our kids trained not to ask for very much. I used to go to Toys R Us, warning them in advance not to ask for anything, because we weren’t going to get it. They could enjoy looking and imagining, but if they asked, then we’d be outta there in a second. It worked, amazingly enough.

Now they ask for reasonable things, and we do say “no” to them. I think that we like to give our children the best we can. We have an instinct to try to give them whatever they ask for. Obviously that’s kind of dysfunctional, if you want them to learn how to take responsibility for themselves, and earn the things they want as adults.

I’m proud of my kids because they do things because they enjoy them, or because it is their responsibility (according to us), not because we’ve bribed them to do things. My daughter has been handling her own homework since she was 9 or 10. We don’t have to remind her to do anything, really. My son is another story. He is pretty much interested in what he’s interested in, and not interested in the things he’s not interested in. Unfortunately, he’s not interested in reading and writing.

This scares my wife, so she spends a lot of time coaching him, and helping him. I’m less willing to help him, because I think he’s perfectly capable of doing his work on his own if we didn’t give in to his wheedling and complaining. My wife told me the other day that he believes things that I tell him, when he doesn’t believe it if she tells him. She’s worried that he’ll be kicked out of school for not doing well enough. But when she tries to scare him with this, it doesn’t work. When I tell him the consequence of not learning reading or writing, he seems to believe me.

Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, it’s up to him to decide. Do the work or not. The consequences are his to decide on. Honestly, I don’t think it’s the end of the world if he can’t cut it in this school. He is very bright, and his talents may lead him in other directions. When he needs it, he’ll learn to read and write.

I think the gift we give our children is the training to take care of themselves. We teach them how to plan their lives so they can work to get the things they want. Giving them things—that’s kind of missing the point. Teaching them to be self-reliant, yet able to cooperate; to enjoy activities for the intrinsic joy of doing them instead of trying to win some external reward; that’s being a giving parent in my view.

As a side note, there’s plenty of research that shows that giving rewards for good behavior works while you give rewards, but the kids will stop doing it when the rewards stop. Short term gain, long term loss.

@daloon That’s what I meant by my term “giving without giving.”

@daloon Obviously things would be best if everyone could do them like THAT, but… you say “they do them because they enjoy doing them”. How do you get your kids to enjoy math or science when they don’t? Or, in the case of your son, enjoy reading and writing. You said it doesn’t concern you because he’ll learn it when he feels he needs to, but what if (and not necessarily in subjects like reading and writing) she/he NEVER realizes what their real needs are, or doesn’t realize it until it’s too late? I’m not being like, solid, on this. Just giving some hypotheticals for perspective purposes. I think that some kids NEED guidance, and NEED their parents to tell them what is right and wrong, instead of leaving them to figure it out on their own. It would be great if everyone grew up in an environment where your methods would always (or just mostly) work. But for some people, I don’t think that’s the case. There are plenty of negative influences sprinkled throughout our world, our society, that can (and often proceed to) undo everything parents work so hard to teach their kids.

I’m 28 and my son is 2, and I have one in-utero. My son is already trained to say please and thank you. He knows that we can’t get another toy out until we put the others away. He also knows the meaning of “not today” and “maybe another time.” Luckily he doesn’t whine for toys or treats yet. Occasionally at home he will ask for a cookie after breakfast or something, but I just tell him he can’t have one now, but maybe later. Then I’ll tell him what he can have, such as a banana. I think I’ll continue this trend.

I was raised to have to work for every little thing. If I wanted new clothes for school, I had to use my own birthday money. I started paying rent to my parents as soon as I turned 18. I don’t think we’ll be that extreme, but I still want my kids to know the value of things and have a good work ethic.

What we chose to do will absolutely have an impact on their adulthoods.

I don’t know; hard to say. I was raised the same way my mom was raised. Meaning that, I never had an allowance and never had a job, but I didn’t just get everything I wanted all the time. When I was younger, I got things for Christmas and birthday and it was rare that I would get stuff outside of those times. As I grew older, of course I knew that my parents could afford pretty much anything I wanted and that I didn’t have an allowance or a job so there weren’t many other ways I could get things, but I didn’t ask for everything I wanted all the time and I knew that just because I asked, I wouldn’t necessarily get it. We got what the best option and what was most reasonable. I wanted a new cool toy, then I had to get rid of some of the old stuff I had because there was always too much in my room, etc. Same went for clothes.

I’m not saying that what my parents did was the best option, but it certainly seems to have worked. I did things around the house without any kind of rewards or anything; I was just taught there are things you’re supposed to do and you’re supposed to help out. Of course, it’s also different when you have wealthy parents. I grew up quite wealthy, but my mom did not. Her parents were not wealthy or anything, but my grandfather never believed in buying crappy products; he would save up and was very frugal. So no, he didn’t get my mom everything she wanted, but he only got her the best and when they felt it was most necessary.

My parents never wanted me to work as a kid because they always told me I have my whole life to work and that getting and education is what I have to focus on now. Of course, I’ll probably get jobs during college because I want that experience and I need to have some things to put on resumes.

People make the assumption that kids who grow up in wealthy families expect the world to be handed to them. I don’t think that way at all; obviously my parents did something right.

@DominicX I never had an allowance or a job either (save for part time summer jobs). Most of my classmates had been working somewhere since they were 14 and now have no problems getting work. Do you think you should have/ have had a job?

@Facade

I don’t know. Are you having problems getting work; do you attribute it to not having jobs when you were younger?

I can’t really say if it was bad or good without having looked for a job yet.

@DominicX I’m having a very tough time finding work, and yes, I attribute it to not working when I was younger. Employers won’t hire the woman with no experience and who has physical restrictions no matter how competent she is (that’s me btw).
If I were you, I’d try to work somewhere to gain experience.

@Facade

That’s what I said in that I plan on working during college and summers and such. I just don’t think not working at Starbucks during high school is going to be the reason I can’t find a job. Many people I know just got their first job during senior year when they were 17. I just turned 18. I have plenty of time to work before I go looking for a career.

As a single mom, I could not afford all the things ‘the other kids have’... Much like @ubersiren, my sonknew his manners nearly as soon as he could speak, and if he forgot, the only movement he would see was a raised eyebrow, which he promptly learned what that meant. The same for putting away what he had out before taking down something else to play with… even turning off the TV if he was going to be doing something else (I don’t understand the concept of wanting the TV on for background noise).

Once he started school, he earned an allowance based on his grades. He had chores, and lost privileges (time watching TV or videogames) if they weren’t done. He had to buy his own things, and when it was time for new sneakers, for example, I’d tell him that I had $X to spend, and if he wanted something over that, he had to pay the difference.

When he was about 8, he got the Game Boy Color as a gift when it first came out (a big deal at the height of Pokémania!) But when he became frustrated at the game and pitched it across the room in frustration, he learned that replacements don’t magically appear! That was also when he learned that he could earn some extra cash doing odd jobs around the neighborhood… He’d help older folks or even parents if his female classmates who wouldn’t make their own daughters do manual labor!

He’s a bit if a tightwad as a result, but what he buys, he appreciates and takes good care of. He saved $4000 to buy a motorcycle, and pays the insurance, and now is paying to repair the damages from his accident. He also pays for maintenance on his truck… I was fortunate to give him what I had been driving, and I bought a new car for myself when he got his license; I haven’t charged him for the insurance YET, but that is likely to change when I get my renewal!

I gets tougher as they get older, because they’re gonna do what they want to do, regardless of what we say (just like we did at that age)... do you have to start young, be consistent, and have faith that it all will sink in so they rely on your teachings when they are faced with tough decisions.

When we were raising up our boys, we simply didn’t have the resources to hand them anything they wanted.
And, in a way, I lucked out during their teenage years because at that time, there was a trend that it was fashionable to shop at thrift stores so they thought they were cool in those second hand clothes.

Now, that they are grown and we are better off financially, I help them out when they need it but I stop short of beng the Bank of Mom.

I would most likely raise my children the way I was raised. My family wasn’t wealthy, in fact, we were lower middle class, but as a child I never knew it. I wasn’t spoiled, but well taken care of. As I got older, and learned of my mom and dad’s finances, I was appreciative of their hard work in providing me and my sibs with shelter, food, and clothing, and was okay with not getting things like a car for my sixteenth birthday, or new clothes and materialistic things often. I didn’t even get an allowance, they couldn’t afford to do that.

We grew up with manners, learning to say “yes, ma’am and yes, sir”, we were expected to excel in school, though my parents were empathic about subjects we weren’t the greatest on. My mom always knew where my sibs and I were, and with who, at all times. There was no sneaking or getting things past her. We couldn’t even lie, she always knew, or eventually found out the truth. She was like a ninja or something.

Growing up as I did, it made me humble. There plenty of times in my youth when I resented how ‘strict’ my parents were. I was envious of those friends who had parents that would let them do anything. Now, I can’t imagine the person I would have become without their guidance.

IF I have a child, I will be very generous with hugs and kisses. I never got many of those. I will be generous with bedtime stories and going to plays and games and so on. I never got those either. I will be generous with my time and energy and wisdom.

Stuff? Things? Not so much. No kid needs a $20,000 1st birthday party, or designer clothes at 6 or any of that nonsense. That’s indulging the vanity of the parents, not accommodating the needs of the child.

Though I have no biological kids of my own, I was a stepmother for 7yrs and found I was more patient, more giving and also more tolerant than I’d ever suspected. It’s been a great experience that’s taken the fear out of me should I ever venture to make babby. My stepdaughter was very spoiled and materialistically indulged by her parents but when I stepped into the picture, a lot of the things she was used to getting came along with some striving on her end to show results in grades, treating her parents better- it was kind of bribery with stories thrown in of how things can go wrong for the happy but un prepared youth. She loves me to this day so I did something well.

Growing up without many things myself, my guess is that I will be very tempted to give my children everything I never had. Logically, I am aware that part of the reason I am the person I am today is because nothing was ever given to me and every thing was worked for and earned. So, if I want me children to be curious, responsible, thoughtful and hard-working, I should create an artificial environment that recreates my own childhood experience.

@daloon I can only hope to one day have your patience and understanding. My top fear is that my future children will not be into reading, writing and good grades (the way I was as a child).

Hmm. I was never given an allowance, so maybe I’ll be tough too. Then again, I never really had to pay for anything. Even now, I’m married, and my parents still pay for my cell phone (I’m still on their plan).

I don’t know what I would do at a super young age, but once the child learns how to count money and stuff, I would probably allow for a small allowance, and try to teach them how to save their money. Instead of getting the candy bar, save up for the cool toy.

When they’re at the age to start assigning chores (beyond cleaning their room), I’d probably give a ‘minimum wage’ allowance (something small), and then allow them to earn extra by doing extra chores.

Maybe around middle school, I’d start teaching how to budget, by making them pay for small bills. The $10 a month cost for the additional phone line for them, or maybe part of the monthly cost of GameFly (I’d really hope my potential children are gamers like my husband and I). Maybe, to teach how to save for long term expenses as well, make them pay for part of the cost of their school supplies, which would not only teach them to shop around for a better deal, but hopefully that getting the shiny Pirates of the Caribbean folder isn’t as cool when the extra money spent on it takes away from something else. Obviously, I’d really be paying for it all, and ensuring that whatever allowance I give them can afford the costs of whatever bills I issue, while still allowing the child to be able to have some spending money, and they ‘earned’ it (by doing chores).

By the time they reach working age, they will hopefully have a part time job (this depends on how much time it takes away from school or other important activities). Assuming they do, they will be responsible for more bills, and hopefully by then will have learned how to effectively manage their money. Then, I get to teach about checking accounts, which sounds silly, but it is a big difference to look in your wallet and know how much money you have versus guessing by what the ATM is telling you.

So in answer to your question, I’m hoping to be giving only during birthdays and chrismas or something, even though I will technically be giving my children money, I’m hoping it won’t feel as if everything is just handed to them because they will be the ones making purchases for themselves. I think it will be more meaningful for the child to have saved up enough money to buy something expensive (like an iPod) and feeling like they did it all by themselves.

I’m also hoping this makes things a little easier on me. By making their allowance based on them doing their chores (and only getting the full amount when done correctly), I will hopefully not have to remind them. I’ll simply have to check, and hope that they learn that when they skip out on responcibilies, they don’t get to get fun stuff at the store.

I’d also have to factor in grades. I’d also work in a good thought that @hearkat had, “I’d tell him that I had $X to spend, and if he wanted something over that, he had to pay the difference.”

Misbehavior will simply result in them having the things they worked hard for taken away. Something like that. I’m not a parent, so I haven’t had the chance to try anything out. Just think about it.

I guess you could say I was one of the children that was given a lot. My parents did not have a lot of money when I was little, but they never let that on to me and my brother. They did everything they could to make us have a normal life, we could join any sports we wanted, and christmas was always great. They also got me a car at 16, after getting my license and subsequently have gotten me a new car whenever I’ve needed one and I’m 23. They have done a lot for me, and I’ve talked to them about it….they just feel that it is what parents are supposed to do.
This does not mean I did not have a job. I started working odd jobs at 12, and got my first official job at 15. I helped pay my car payment and when i got older and more money (at 16) I began paying my entire car payment and part of my car insurance. (I had dropped out of high school and was working full time and going to college full time) My parents mainly gave me the opportunities to have nice things, and I’m grateful for it. I know I have plenty of friends who have been envious or jealous over the years, because their parents never did what mine do…even my husband. But every parent is different.

I plan to do the best I can for my children. I want to help them and guide them and do not view it as spoiling. He knows to say please and thank you, and no thank you. He is extremely polite. Our big thing for why we can’t get him new toys is because we can’t afford it…so it’s sort of painful to tell him “No son, not today” even though we really want to. But, he has plenty of toys and doesn’t need it anyway. He’ll also be getting a job and I’ll expect him to pay for whatever activities with friends he wants to do from then on out.

My mother taught me that though we may never have lots of money (and we didn’t and don’t), it shouldn’t rule anything in our lives to such an extent that we think about it all the time…I never felt poor though looking back we were, because my parents splurged when it mattered…I was not spoiled and always learned to buy the bare essentials and if I needed more, that came out of my allowance or I had to save up…both my brother and myself were encouraged to start work at 15 and we did…the helped pay for things we wanted, like my dance classes…I am a mother of 2 now, a 3 year old and a an almost 7 month old…I think my oldest has a lot more than I did as a kid and that I spend money on him before I spend it on myself (I’m not sure what this means as of yet)...he’s lucky, he will soon have his own room but for now he doesn’t care about stuff…I don’t take him to toy stores but he has lots of toys, games, whatever…I research them all online…I tell people what to buy for him if they’re interested in suggestions…we splurge for things that matter more than toys like an outside playground set so that the kids can spend more time in fresh air and moving…I spend a lot of money on their educational needs and their developmental needs…I feel that this age (0–6 years old) is an important time…I’d say that after thinking about my oldest (my youngest doesn’t know anything lol), I’d say he’s not spoiled, doesn’t want everything he sees and doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything…he also understands what money is and what it means not to have some sometimes and what it means to go to work and that one benefit is money…

For those of us who haven’t had kids yet:
I think our kids will not be able to live the kind of luxurious existence we do now.

Ecologically, the data is really damning, and frankly, I’m not that optimistic that we can turn the tide back in time. So I think that we’re going to experience some shocks to the system, and will have to make some adjustments in the way we live.. the current way we live simply isn’t sustainable.

Commodities that we take for granted, like clean water, etc. will become more precious.
In this light, I imagine that socially – by the time I have kids – give it 5–10 years; they will grow up under an environment where everyone will feel the pressure to be materialistically more frugal. And I will aim to bring up my kids with an awareness of this.