How do I comfort my sick relative?

You’re spoiling her.

Are you her only caretaker? How did she get the diabetes diagnosis? Didn’t she have to get out of the house for that?

In addition to all her other problems, she sounds depressed, too.

Depression typically leaves people unable to get out of their room, obsessively watching tv all the time. Does she stay up all night?

It’s hard to deal with people who don’t want to recognize they have a problem. In this case, it’s not the medical problems that she doesn’t recognize. It’s that she doesn’t recognize that she’s using those problems as an excuse to do nothing. She may even be feeling a lot of self pity.

I would keep on encouraging her to get up and take a walk. Even if it’s just to the front door and back. Maybe a little farther each day. To the sidewalk and back. To the mailbox, etc, etc.

I’d also get her evaluated for depression. She may benefit from some meds for that if she is depressed. Then I’d try to find a support group for her. If you can get her to the support group once, she might like it, and look forward to getting out of the house to meet people like her.

I’d encourage her to go to bed by 11:30 every night. She should get on a schedule (she could write it out herself), and eat breakfast at the same time every day. Every other meal should be the same. She probably also needs to eat more healthily. Is she eating out of cans? Or ordering in fast food a lot? She needs to get some vegies and healthy food in her if she’s not doing that.

You have to encourage her to do what’s healthy for her, and refuse to help her do the unhealthy things. Make healthy meals. Don’t get her DVDs. Unplug the TV at 11:30, as long as she agrees to it. If she doesn’t, then don’t help her with the TV. Be firm. Let her know you love her, and you really want to help her have a better quality of life, so you will do healthy things with her, but you will no longer do the unhealthy things.

Good luck.

@daloon

I’m not her only caretaker. Her husband is there too but he seems to leave for work before she gets up and come home at 6, sometimes 7, pm.

Also, she has been evaluated for depression and is on medication for it. The thing is, I don’t know if it’s doing her any good.

I remember being very impressed by a statistic I saw that said a 30 minute walk a day had a higher success rate at combating depression than the best known depression medication there is.

You need someone closer to her to help you. What do your parents say? Is there anyone on her side of the family who might encourage her to get moving? I think it’s too heavy a burden to lay upon you. And her husband needs to know that you can’t handle her issues, such as they are; he’s got to step in and help a bit more. I mean, he’s her husband.

The motivation to change her life has to come from within her. If she prefers her current lifestyle to what her life could be with a little effort, there’s nothing you are likely to do or say that will change her mind.

@cwilbur

That’s what I’m afraid of :(

To get my husband out of his chair I take him out to lunch. Perhaps you could think of something not too onerous that she would like to go to with you? Start small, and it may strike a spark in her that will make her decide to start doing things.

However, in the end, it will be up to her.

This sounds similar to a situation my mom was in. You aren’t spoiling her, you’re being the considerate human being any one of us would be and are taking care of her. She may be depressed, which would make it hard for her to get up and moving on her own. If that is the case, there probably isn’t much you can do to get her out of her funk. Don’t feel like you are a terrible person for becoming frustrated with her; it is natural for you to get upset and lose interest in her. Try to get her to do little things. Tell he you want to play a board game in the kitchen, have her meet you there. This is what Daloon has suggested above. Little things everyday. She will probably decline your offers, but suggest something every day. Invite her with you around the block once, then invite her again the next day, and the next. She may need help to get over her depression (if that is what she has), and you are probably not the person to help her do that.

This sounds familiar to me, and without getting into too many details, the woman (in my case) never really felt any better. Of course, this was a much different situation than the one you are dealing with. We did all we could for her, but she never got on board with making a change in herself. You can only do what you can do. You can’t change a person. So keep doing the things you think you can do (visiting her, cleaning up for her, walking her to the kitchen, etc.) and keep trying to get her to do a bit more, but know that that’s all you can do.

If she doesn’t want to leave the house, could you get her a treadmill, or even better, an elliptical? She wouldn’t have to leave the house then, and as long as she was supervised (in case she fell), she could get some exercise.

Often those with the burden of long illnesses get depressed. Has anyone asked her doctor about an antidepressant? It made a world of difference with my Mom.

What about finding her a therapist?

If she can get up and out of the house for a Doctors appt.
and tests and such then how is a therapist so impossible??

Offer to take her to her appts. if you think it will make a difference in whether or not she goes. This situation needs some type of forward impetus even if it’s baby steps at first.

Otherwise it just continues to stagnate and habits become ingrained.

I’m going to assume that the only way the food and other items get scattered around is that she had been up and moving. What I would do is suggest it’s time for some “senior excercise” to help get the blood going, and make picking stuff up part of the “exercise”. I have also seen information about exercise being better than medication for depression.

You could also consider hiring a college mate to help with the cleaning an hour a day, which would give you a good excuse to go for a walk during that hour. That’s what we did with my Mom.

You can always put her in a wheelchair and get her out of the house. Sometimes just being in fresh air helps get over the blues. While out and about you can suggest a short stroll with the wheelchair…?
You’re doing a wonderful thing for her, don’t get discouraged.

I think sometimes just being able to stop what you’re doing, take the time out of your day and go listen to someone is the best thing you can possibly do for them. Does it show that she appreciates you coming to visit?

Just try to push her – tell her that she has to get herself up and moving otherwise things are just going to stay the same. Push gently, however.

@Disc2021 – Actually things aren’t going to stay the same. They will get worse. “Use it or lose it” is a very apt description of what happens when we stop being active. She needs to get up and out of the house, even if she is just going to get the mail or walk to the end of the driveway.

Does she or will she use a walker? If so, see if she can use one of the wheeled walkers that have hand brakes and a seat. That way she could walk until she has to sit, then sit until she recovers, and then walk back. I do this with my husband and it makes it easy to show him he is making progress. Each day he can go a bit further from the front door.

The walkers aren’t prohibitively expensive, and they can come in bright colors, including whatever her favorite is.

@Darwin Well then all the more convincing of a reason for her. Again, I dont think this should be done in a superior/inferior format where one side is talking down on the other or in other words, she shouldn’t feel like she’s being ordered or backed into a corner.

If she wants to lay there and get worse – that’s her choice. Just keep trying to motivate her and expressing your want to see her in a better place.

@Insomnia: The quality of her life is, in the end, her responsibility and not your responsibility. Nudging her to be more active is a great thing to do, but if she decides she’d rather be bedridden, that’s her decision, and not your decision, and you are not responsible for making it.

And that goes both ways. You can’t force her to change her life, and you need to remember that; but if she doesn’t change her life, it’s not your fault or your responsibility, it’s hers.

One way to persuade people is to give them good reasons to do what’s good for them. If you provide evidence, that may give them the desire to try. It’s not like she wants to be depressed. The problem with depression is that you don’t believe anything can help. So, if you stay on message, so to speak, and show her the articles and studies that prove the benefit of exercise, and offer to help her, then she may eventually take you up on it. As people say, it is only she who can decide.

You shouldn’t beat yourself up for failing here. It’s not your fault. It might help if you tried to detach yourself from expecting her to do anything to become more healthy. You do what you want to, and know that you are being compassionate, and that is good. You can show her how she can help herself. But don’t expect to succeed. Or not succeed. It’s her life and it’s up to her to make the choice. You can’t make her do it. Don’t beat yourself up for failing to make her healthier.

Thanks for the advice everyone

I like this community :)