Would you stay or go?

If I loved the person, I would stick with the relationship. I would also finish my own degree though, because personal success should not be put to the side for another. It may suck, since they move around so often, but if you have a strong bond and love each other…you can make it through.

I wouldn’t have started a relationship with someone who moves often in the first place, but once in this situation…

I would question what the possibility of having the type of stable life I want with someone who would move often is.

You say you want to buy a house with this person, but what would the point be if he would have to move? Would you have a home base and he would travel a lot, or would you literally have to uproot yourself, and maybe your children one day, so often? Is that something you would be willing to do?

@Likeradar Good questions. I am almost certain that he is only staying with this company until he has enough experience to accept something better, so the house we buy will be a home base. Also, we aren’t having children.
What would you do if you put yourself in this situation?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It may do you some good to not be around each other every day of every week of every month. Just make sure to use the time you DO spend together making it as enjoyable and spicy (with variety) as you can (or whatever seems suitable at the time). That way, you can set aside the usual insecurities that come with a long distance relationship (what if he finds someone better and cheats on me?). There shouldn’t BE anyone better. Make sure you are the best you can be. It will bring out the good in HIM and it will then be plenty possible to have quite a healthy and exciting relationship. Meanwhile, giving each person plenty of time to move their OWN lives forward, and share tales of all their new adventures with each other.

Scrolling down to keep my thoughts clear, I would do what is commonly known as ‘follow your heart.’ Love can overcome all obstacles, and my life is proof of that. My wife and I have been through many hardships, many changes, many good things as well as bad things, and the one constant was our undeniable love for each other. When we first got married, we moved a bunch of times, and our lives were in an uproar all too often. We coped as best we could, and we fought, sometimes over stupid shit, sometimes over important shit, sometimes just because of the stress, but we did the important thing, we stuck it out. There were times we lived on powdered milk and food pantry handouts. Sometimes, we barely had enough to survive. Over time, things got better. When you hit bottom, well, then there is no place to go but up. We were at bottom, and we fought and scratched and climbed right back out of that hole. We did it together, like we do everything together.

All I can say is this: I cannot imagine my life without her, and the concept of that scares the living shit out of me. If that is your love, then follow your heart, and stay with your man, because there are no do-overs in life. You only get one shot, and if your gut says this is the right thing to do, then do it.

Long distance relationships rarely last.

Maybe not every couple loves each other the way we do, and I have seen many instances of the lack of undeniable love among other couples, but then, I know that my wife and I are not the only two people with this perfect unextinguishable love.

@Piper_Brianmind Great suggestions. Fortunately, we both have such high (possibly inflated) opinions of ourselves and each other that, in our minds, there is no one better lol :)

It seems to me this is not the sort of question one asks one’s brain. I think you will get a better answer if you ask your heart.

@evelyns_pet_zebra That’s a great testimony. And no, you’re not the only ones with inextinguishable love =P
@pdworkin You might want to read my first paragraph again.

I read it. Should I have said, “I would ask my heart?” OK let it be so.

There ya go :)

If he is actively looking for a new job that would allow him to stay in one place, I would stay with him. That said, if I knew this situation would be permanent and I could be in a long distance relationship forever, I’d end it. I’m just not a long distance relationship kind of girl.

@Likeradar Fair enough

I don’t think I could stand to be away from my lover for long periods of time. Plus, I’m a settling kind of person. A significant other that moved a lot would cause tension with me.

You have to think about what kind of person you are. If you have to change something at your core to be with someone, then I don’t think that love will last.

I would stay with him. Distance isn’t a problem in and of itself. If things are going okay even with the distance, then I see no reason to break up.

@Supacase I agree

Finish your school!

@filmfann I am, I am. I go to school online so that I can have it wherever we end up :)

If I thought that my partner wanted to and was actually able to settle down and stop moving around so much in the future, I would absolutely wait it out, no question. However, if I thought that wasn’t a possibility for the future or that it probably wouldn’t happen, I don’t think I could do it. Never being able to actually be with them would kill me. As Likeradar said, I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone who already had a job like that. If it happened after I was already with them, that changes how I might feel somewhat.

I dunno… It’d be a hard situation ‘cause I need hugs and cuddles and kisses. But, if you know yourself well (and I have no doubt that you do) keep at it and don’t give up, love is always worth it. :)

I would stay with the person if I really loved them and also if the long distance relationship we had was doing good. I would also still finish school like most people already said. It’s easy to say that because it’s not happening to me but honestly if that ever happened to me, I’d probably be clueless. I know this has nothing to do with the question but…. how do you like taking online classes?

If I am in love, and have pretty strong feelings that he is ‘the one’, then yes, I would. I would do anything to be with someone I’m in love with.

Outside of that, no. Like @Likeradar said, I’m really not a long distance relationship person. I’ve tried it once, it failed miserably.

If you are three years away from getting out of college, and establishing your own career, this question is really a moot point until then, because by then he should be ready to move on to a different employer, as he will have the experience he needs by then. Or he will be established enough with this company to be able to stay in one place with more regularity.

You have options:

*You can remain as you are, apart and keep the visits as frequent as possible, you flying to him or him flying to you.

*If he’s financially able, he can take you with him but you’d have to opt. for not working, working sporadically and not going to school.

In your position, I’d remain where I am and go to school.

I’ve shared my opinion of long-distance relationships before, but to reiterate: unless you have a plan and a timeline to get together and settle in the same place, it’s not a relationship, it’s a fantasy. It sounds like you have a shot at both of those.

For me, moving every six months to a year would be a complete deal-breaker. I need roots, I need stability. So whether I would stay or not would depend on whether I thought my partner was being honest about wanting to settle down, whether I thought he really could settle down, and whether I thought his plan to eventually settle down was feasible. Some people are more nomadic, however, and actually enjoy a more itinerant lifestyle. If you aren’t happy without roots and he isn’t happy when he’s tied down, no matter how much you love each other, it may not be possible to make it work and make both of you happy.

I grew up in a family that moved every year or two. While I really wouldn’t have skipped any of the moves, and I know I have learned a great deal about the world because of them, as an adult I have chosen to stay put. My mother, though, chose to marry my father even though she knew at least one big move would be in the offing (the fact that she got more than 18 was probably more than she expected). However, she grew up in a railroad family that moved frequently so she was familiar with the idea of moving.

With that said, the main reason we survived and even thrived with the moving is that rather than considering a place to be home, our family members and our stuff became home. It didn’t matter where we lived as long as we had everybody together and we had some familiar objects.

However, my mother chose to give up her career in support of my father’s. She had been a chemical engineer but chose to stay home. And, importantly, she became a mom and so in essence had a job. Later on, when we kids left home my mom followed her other career interest and became an artist. In addition, wherever we lived my parents generally either bought a house, or had one built. As a result, we gradually moved up the ladder to gradually larger and nicer houses, and that also became a large part of my mother’s work. In essence my father’s career became their joint career. However, they have now been together for 59 years so it worked for them.

The things I think you should consider is whose job will be primary in your relationship, his or yours? If his is primary, will you have a portable skill such as med tech or nursing so you can follow him? If you don’t have a portable job, what will you do if you can’t get a job where he is? If you end up in a marriage where only he is employed what will you do to feel productive, creative and worthwhile? This last I think personally is most important because you say you two do not plan to have children.

Good luck whichever way you choose to go.

@Darwin and @cwilbur GA

@Darwin “whose job will be primary in your relationship, his or yours?” His, most likely
“If his is primary, will you have a portable skill such as med tech or nursing so you can follow him?” At the moment, I have no career path. I’m majoring in psychology. I’m pretty sure I can become a very solid makeup artist.
“If you don’t have a portable job, what will you do if you can’t get a job where he is?” I’m confident that something will pop up
“If you end up in a marriage where only he is employed what will you do to feel productive, creative and worthwhile?” Yes

@Facade – I didn’t ask will you feel productive, creative, etc. but what will you do to feel that way. Being a make up artist actually is an excellent option, but in any case, everyone needs something that they do so they can feel the rewards of accomplishment, whether they are paid for it or not.

@Darwin Oh, I misread…Um, I don’t know. I’d find something. I’m not too worried about it to tell the truth. I believe everything will fall into place.

So you will keep house, and the only money you will have is what he give you. Just when you start to make friends, or find a job, his job will require you to move.

@PandoraBoxx Don’t sound so negative. Nothing is written in stone. As far as money is concerned, his is mine and mine is his. If I desired, I could stay behind with these hypothetical friends, although I highly doubt I would do that.

@Facade, I don’t mean to sound negative, but the odds of this not working out pink and sparkly is historically not good. One of my favorite quotes from the Bible (probably because it sounds more like Shakespeare) is from Ecclesiastes: “There is nothing new under the sun.” There are patterns to behaviors, and the odds of success are far greater if you go into it understanding how many ways this can not work out, and preparing for it. That way, you are not caught unawares.

@PandoraBoxx
Oh yea, definitely. We’ve talked about all the possibilities and are aware of how this can turn out. We’re doing our best to make it so that everything turns out all right.

@PandoraBoxx What you describe are a lot of family dynamics of people in the military…a lot of women stay at home, and the husband earns the money. Those people usually have children though.

I’ve had a number of friends whose husbands worked for major corporations that have a culture of transferring people every 12 – 18 months in order to be promotable within the corporation. In a way, is much easier if you have children or are in the military because you have structured social system. It is extremely difficult to be dropped into a new city, away from family and friends, dependent on one person for your initial social interactions. By the time you get living space organized, find a job, make a few friends, etc. it’s time to move again.

At 20, your age peers are either in college, or working unskilled/semiskilled jobs. Getting a job without a degree, certification or licensing can be difficult. Each new community you drop into is starting over from scratch each time. The people that are home during the day are generally people with small children.

@PandoraBoxx You’re right, but I still believe I’ll be fine. I don’t really gel with people my own age anyway.

@Facade – Hope you don’t mind the question, but why no children?

Oh for so many reasons. An all encompassing one would be that we wish to not have the burdens that come with having for me and raising for us children. Financial, emotional, physical, and psychological burdens. We both are quite selfish in that we want all which we can have for ourselves, especially when it comes to money. We also disagree on how to raise children. For instance he believes in whooping kids’ asses as he was as a child, while I believe that physical punishments should be used as a last resort.

I was asking because a very rewarding thing to do is be a foster parent, a fairly portable “job” that doesn’t pay well but lets you make a major mark on the next generation, all without having to set up a college fund.

However, if y’all don’t agree on how to discipline kids, I can see that wouldn’t work well.

Right, fostering a child is definitely out of the question. Parenthood is just not for us.

I would wait to make any ‘permanent’ commitment or decision…like at least 6 months. Why? I understand that as a 20 year old, you feel that you are more mature?experienced?knowledgeable?, however, 20 years of age has allowed you only a limited number of experiences, just based on the number of years that you have had to experience life. Your situation, in particular, is somewhat perplexing, but relationships have far more perplexing issues. Marriage is a difficult relationship…much give and take. You seldom know what is the right or wrong answer, as there is no real way to analyze those decisions…not right or wrong lists or charts from 1 to 10 on how you did. If each of you is very selfish, then that is a starting point for some reasoning and self examination, because in marriage, being selfish is 100% wrong some of the time and 100 % right some of the time. Sadly, no one can tell when it is wrong and when it is right. I just would like for you to take time and really look at this situation practically and try to really think it through. I can tell you this, for sure——you will love other men in your life. You may not allow yourself to become ‘involved’, but what you will learn is that there are many men you can love and be happy with, not just one.

@vaokcal We’re not selfish when it comes to one another. Quite the opposite actually. And me falling in love with other men is not a certainty. It could happen, yes, but it might not. Thank you for your answer.