What constitutes a basis to love someone romantically?

Love is unexplainable.

I think most of the things you mention are things people need to share to live together, not love each other. So if you share none of those things, you can still have love, just don’t expect to be able to live together.

Only your heart and mind can answer this for you. What is important to you may not be so important to someone else.

You need to share some values, goals, interests, or preferences or you will never have anything to talk about with each other. But if both people are forgiving and willing to change for the other a point could be made for enduring love. However, living together might be too much to maintain the facade of romantic love.

You can never know these things, and in all likeliness, they vary from person to person. I say take a chance.

It’s better to have loved and lost…

I think @drdoombot nailed it. You can love someone in spite of vast differences, but that doesn’t mean you can have a successful relationship with them.

As far as intellect goes, I do have some standards.~ I need someone who can carry their end of a conversation, at the very least. Someone who enjoys debate is even better!

Just to provide some context, and simplify the nature of the question:
I ask because there’s a guy I know (age 20) who didn’t go to college, works as a produce boy, and his ambition peaks at one day becoming store manager of Publix. He doesn’t read books and doesn’t care to. He works, goes on the computer, plays ultimate frisbee, beer pong, and pays rent to live at home. He has no strong sense of family, religion, and has not an ounce of intellectual curiosity in his body. We have never really had a meaningful conversation.
And yet, I’m infatuated with him. It may be largely in part to physical attraction, but he’s also incredibly sweet, kind, and he treats me like gold. He appreciates me and cares for me a lot. He makes me happy and I enjoy his company. His simplicity almost strikes me as a charming naivety and innocence… but at the same time, I know that I probably could never have deep feelings for him. I can’t decide if this is stubbornness on my part, or if I have too many expectations, or what. I’m utterly confused.

It really depends on your dreams, goals and aspirations. You have told us what he wants out of life but what do you want?

Where do you envision yourself in 10 years?
Where will your ambition take you?

If you have dreams that do not include the lifestyle he has chosen then if you partner with him over time you will find yourself resentful and will take it out on him.

To be in love with someone, he and I have to be on the same page about all major issues. And, for me, he has to be a Christian =)

Basis for romantic love:

1) Curiosity – ”...she had never imagined that curiosity was one of the many masks of love.”—Gabriel Garcia Marquez (Love in the Time of Cholera)

2) Respect – Would you feel embarrassed walking down the street with this person? What about inviting them to your parents’ house for dinner? Note: If you would be more embarrassed about your parents, that’s probably normal.

3) Self-knowledge – Are you on the rebound from a bad relationship? Take some time to be alone first. Are you just looking for sex? Be sure to communicate this early on- you might be surprised with the results. Do you have free time to spend with someone on a regular basis? Do you feel incomplete without a lover? If so, really try to answer why before you suck someone else into all your baggage. :)

There are probably others, but physics does a lot with three coordinates, so maybe love can too. Cheers.

Love… Infatuation… Curiosity… All are so unique to each individual and their sense of being. At the end of the day (unless you’ve lived a full lifetime, and here I’m assuming you’ve not), one cannot Really know without trying.
What’s the harm in going into a relationship without Any preconcieved notions and just experiencing another human being and their life-force for what it is?
I say you go for it, see where it leads, love is blind so follow it blindly into the unknown! and it’s there you’ll truly know one another.

My three prerequisites are: do you both feel connected, does he make you feel good about yourself, does he feel good about himself and does he have any sexual value? If he is lacking in any of those areas, he may be either corny, a good friend, etc. I think if he makes you feel good, and he feels good about himself and he is not super available (sexually), what difference what conflicts in beliefs there are, they can be a source of further sexual tension. If met, I think you both would be extremely attracted to each other.

You’ll know.

Listen to your body – what is your heart and your stomach saying? How do your knees and your hands feel?

If you have a nagging indescribable feeling it is probably right, don’t kid yourself.

Don’t trade your identity to pursue it – there will always be a compromise, and the key is to make sure it’s acceptable and fair to both of you.

Having different opinions/ideologies is fine so long as you both respect that and challenge the ideology not the person, unless of course the two are completely incompatible. Feeling under attack is not tantamount to being in love.

Be different. Be the same. Learn from and teach each other. Do it together.

Don’t underestimate how significant having mismatched sex drives can be – talk about it.

Assume nothing and don’t mind read – you aren’t that good

If you know you can both approach a life together with an overriding positive intention for each other, that should set you up to deal with all the other crap.

Talk, talk and if needs be talk some more.

@le_inferno I used to be in a relationship like yours. I ended it. I needed the mental stimulation.

Statistically speaking, opposites do not really attract. People with similar views, mindsets, opinions, etc. are generally more compatible and have a better chance of lasting in a relationship. I suppose you aren’t totally in a situation in which you would clash with this person; you just have different views and ambitions in some areas. I think it could work out, but it’s ultimately your call.

Don’t be afraid to be open-minded and accept people that are different from you. He might be the one; don’t pass him by just because he isn’t intellectually curious or stimulating. I think it’s ultimately something you need to try out and see how it feels. Love is one of those things that’s touch and go in the beginning.

Love does not come with a basis. It just is. However, a lasting relationship must be built on something more than attraction. That’s when the factors you mentioned become important.

There is no basis for loving someone, no stastic that says you will love a certain person. You can love someone unconditionally, for no reason whatsoever. However, when you fall in love, in the true sense of those words, it will be because that person understands you. They don’t have to agree with anything you say, or like everything you do, but when it comes down to it understanding is the crutial component of a working relationship.

Hmm . . . I can’t agree, @xTemTem. I have never been confident that my husband understands me. And he is still mysterious to me in certain ways. Somehow we have been making it work for 32 years. We know each other very well, but that is not quite the same thing.

I won’t deny that understanding may be crucial for some. But I don’t think you can safely claim it as a universal condition of a successful relationship.

@Jeruba you know I was just thinking that I wouldn’t be able to be with my husband if I didn’t understand him completely and he didn’t understand me completely – I’m sure this points to a certain insecurity in me – I applaud you and your partner in being able to make it work