Can you offer any advice for a complicated relationship?

I think that night you guys had at the shore house was a moment of vulnerability for him and he needed some physical comforting. If it wasn’t for the recent events, it may have never happened. You are the only who can say if it’s love or not. You’re doing the right thing by respecting his wishes, and from my experiences of friends who lost loved ones is that he needs time to heal, and only time will heal his wounds. Take solace in the fact that he does see a future for the two of you eventually, when he is ready. What’s that saying? “Good things come to those who wait”? It always hurts to be “just friends” when you want something more I’m dealing with that situation currently as well but the universe always has a plan and things will work out.

just out of curiosity, have you had many other relationships or sexual partners? sometimes it is very easy to get hung up on your first, esp. when you town have such a long history and deep friendship.

maybe someday he would be interested in having a relationship with you, but you cannot really bank on that. and more than anything he needs friends/loved ones to support him with such an ordeal.

i would suggest branching out in your love life. he might be one, but he is not the only one. of course you must branch out in a way you are comfortable with and at your own pace. you do not have to stop being attracted to him, but at least give other people a chance.

you sound like a very caring guy, who has a good heart. and i wish you and your friend the best of luck.

@alive Haha, funny that you mention that. He is actually my only romantic and sexual partner. I never really thought about it. But I suppose you are right. I’m not really sure how I’ll branch out, but, like you said, I need to do it at a pace I’m comfortable with. Thank you for the advice. :)

Wow, you could probably pilot at television show with what you’ve written.

You have to accept a person’s assessment of their availability for involvement as they state it to be. Wanting physical contact in times of grief does not mean that someone wants a relationship. You have to take it as he’s telling you—you’re just friends. Being close to someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do about them is very hard, and putting distance between you, as hard as that sounds, does make things easier to manage in the long run.

At age 18, there is a tendency to be very impatient, especially with relationships. Not everything happens “right now” or on your terms. Focus on making your life about other things than this one relationship.

Be a friend.
Continue to live your life.
Find a boyfriend. If something changes in the future then it changes. You have to live in the present.

I have to agree with @tinyfaery . that advice sounds like the best so far.

This may sound like a really cheesy question, but deep down, even deeper than the fact that you want him, even deeper than all the desires you have and the doubts, what is your heart telling you to do?

@Saturated_Brain I don’t know if I can answer this question 100% objectively or truthfully; but I think that ultimately, below everything else, I want to be his friend and I want to be there for him? I’m not entirely sure what my heart is telling me, but I know that I want to be his friend right now and wait for him. I don’t know if that’s my heart speaking, or not.

@PandoraBoxx I believe I have already established that I understand he does not want to date right now…And, no offense, but I think distancing myself from my best friend, who just lost his brother to suicide, is really bad advice.

People who think I should live my life and not wait for him: may I ask why? I mean, I don’t know how long it will take, or if he’ll ever be ready for a relationship. That’s a risk, obviously. But shouldn’t I trust him? I might be deluding myself, but I feel like I should take this chance on him, because it could really pay off.

@five99one Then be there for him, as the friend he needs. Then wait for him, or else you’ll probably be stuck with that tinge of regret when you grow up. Of course, life may always throw pleasant surprises at you if you break up, but that’s how it always is right? Unpredictable.

Tyler’s brother died only three months ago. I don’t think anybody gets over the death of a loved one that easily. You need to control yourself and wait for him. If you really see potential in your relationship and think that you both are extremely compatible, then just keep on reminding yourself that when he’s ready, he’ll most probably be grateful that you’ve waited.

Of course, on the flip side, if it takes him too long, then you might be better off with someone else.

Some advice I just plucked off the net, regarding how long it takes to get over the death of a loved one.

“Mental health experts agree that it takes a minimum of one year to come to grips with the death of a close family member. And that does not mean that at the end of a year one is really “over it.” What it does mean is that, after one year, all of the important milestones have been passed, that is, the first birthday, Christmas, wedding anniversary, Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. There has also been time for the routine of life to be re-established, albeit without the company of the missing loved one. But even after a year, the pain can be searing at times.”
From http://mental-health.families.com/blog/how-long-does-it-take-to-get-over-a-death

So some warning:
1. You’ll probably have to be extremely patient before he’s finally ready to start with life anew.
2. As an extension, you’ll need to have very strong will-power. Just think of the end goal, you two being together. Which means no sex with him, nothing romantic, and certainly no other partners, which might just hurt his feelings (unless he’s fine with that, is he?).

And if it helps, you could also get a third opinion from somebody who’s close enough for you to trust and who also preferably knows Tyler.

Lastly, nobody has asked this as of yet, but I think it’s perhaps the make-or-break question. Would both yours and Tyler’s parents agree to the both of you getting together?

The impact of suicide is much larger than you might expect.

This is what this website recommends that friends do:

How can friends help suicide grievers? Let them be who they’ve become—people changed by tragedy. Just try to “be there.” Support whatever form their grief takes. Trying to understand is okay, but just caring is enough. Realize that you can’t possibly relate to what they are experiencing and that you don’t have to. It’s okay to talk about “it” because that’s all that’s on their minds. Expect some anger and conflicting expressions towards their lost loved one as emotions are in turmoil. Let any statements they make about responsibility, blame, or guilt just flow. It will sort itself out over time. Please mention their loved one, whether it was a child, spouse, sibling, parent or other loved one. Avoid setting any timetable for recovery as there isn’t any. See Guidelines for Immediate Help From Close Friends in the Aftermath of a Suicide for some good advice. Bear in mind that others may not be supportive (see Antagonism towards Suicide Grievers and One Mom’s Experience). Some suicide grievers may be unable to express their feelings because of where they are or their relationship to the victim at the time of the loss or the feelings of the victim’s family toward them (see Marginalized Suicide Loss).

Those materials may help you understand what is going on and what you can do. Also, I do not think you should underestimate the impact this suicide has had on you. I seriously doubt that you are really much less affected than Tyler is. You probably share many of the same feelings and sense of grief. You are probably both at risk for suicide, yourselves.

You should seek out a suicide support group in your area, and encourage Tyler to join, as well. Or find one wherever he lives, if you don’t live near each other. Therapy is also a good option. Tyler is probably wondering if he should go on living. His older brother may have suffered from bipolar disorder or serious depression. That kind of thing runs in families (are either of his parents diagnosed with a mental illness?) Tyler may be afraid he’s not going to be around much longer, either. Or that he has what his brother had. He will benefit from professional help. This is not something to try to take care of on your own. For either of you. Get help!

[Edit] Look at the avatar you have chosen. You didn’t choose that for no reason at all. It is symbolic of your state of mind. This is serious. You may be depressed, yourself, and may need treatment.

@Saturated_Brain Thank you. I know it’s going to take a very long time. As of right now, my feelings are still that I should wait for him, no matter how long it takes. I’m going to have to be very patient; which is problematic, because I am a very impatient person. But I am working on it and getting better (I hope), for his sake and mine.

My parents would be absolutely okay with it. Tyler’s parents, I’m not 100% sure. They know he is bisexual, and they know that we’ve been together before. And they seem fine with that. We’ve got a long way to go though, like you said.

@daloon Thank you very much for the info. I have been affected by the suicide, no doubt about that. I try to be strong and be there for Tyler, though. I’ll be seeing a counselor for the first time on Thursday. I don’t know if Tyler is considering, but I probably should recommend one to him. Mental illness does not run in his family. I am a little worried about him because of some things he said, but I credited it to feeling guilty about the suicide.

As for myself, I’ve had this avatar for years now. I may or may not be depressed, but my avatar is no indicator. I just like pirates.

I think you sound like an extremely caring man, and I can tell that you want what is best for your friend. Suicide is extremely difficult to deal with, and your friend and yourself will probably go through many different stages and highs and lows dealing with it. The best thing you can do is to indeed just be his friend. Being so young, you should not resign yourself to wait for this individual. Many of us have done this, and to be quite frank, it never seems to pan out in the romantic way we all hope it does. You change a lot betweent he ages of 18 and your mid to late 20’s, and what you want this moment may in fact be very different a few years from now. It is hard to look at the world in that manner though. We all see the “right now” rather than the long run, and it can cloud your judgement. Have fun with this person, don’t dwell on what might be. If it should happen, then that is wonderful. But don’t miss out on other wonderful people and opportunities because you want to wait for someone who may indeed never be ready for a relationship with you. There are people I wish I had been closer to because I too did this, and I regret that I didn’t get a chance to let other relationships blossom because of that. You sound intelligent and have a good heart. You can care for this person, but don’t let it consume what else might be in your life. Best of luck to you :)

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