What should I do, most immediately, when my father passes?

No real answer to your question (it’s something I’ve wondered about too), but please know that you’re being kept in our hearts.

Maybe you should call his doctor or an experienced caregiver for advice.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you to have to make these decisions and have these thoughts in your head during your father’s final times. You certainly sound like a terrific daughter for being so caring and responsible. I’ll be thinking of you.

@ubersiren I suppose I can call the hospice manager – thanks, I didn’t consider that, for some reason…I am trying to make things easier for him…my whole life my father and I were not in a good relationship…so I suppose he was never a good father and I was never a good daughter but whenever he needed me, I was there and I will be there now.

You should not have to feel that you need to do anything yourself unless that is important to you. If you are working with hospice, call them and they will come.

When my sister died, they came and prepared the body for the family. They offered to let family members lay down next to her if they liked, which one of my sisters did. They offered to provide locks of hair for family (her daughter took one).

Then you call (or they will call for you) the funeral director that you have chosen. They handle things from there.

I am very sad for you that you are losing your father. Please give yourself extra gentleness. Preparation helps, but grief is a sneaky bastard and throws you all sorts of odd curveballs.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I was going to say that it may be worth speaking to a doctor about this but someone beat me to it!

I don’t really know what to say here, I don’t know you or your father and so I don’t want to appear pretentious by saying that you’re in my thoughts but by the same token I would like you to kow that I feel for you and I hope that when the time comes the details like what to do with the body are as stress free as they possibly can be for you.

oh, what the hell. You ARE in my thoughts

@Leanne1986 :)that’s okay, i’ll take it

When my father died, he died at home with us, and the similar questions we had were answered by the hospice people, who deal with these issues daily. Take advantage of their knowledge and their generosity.

If you have hospice, there should be a nurse available to certify that your father has passed away.

If they cannot be there, you need to inform hospice and your doctor that your father has passed, so they can legally begin the procedure for his death certificate. After you have informed the doctor/hospice, you call the funeral home so they can take the remains. Usually they arrive within an hour, so there isn’t anything special you need to do except, perhaps put a sheet over the remains

You can relax about the procedures, they are all handled by others/experts.

You can begin making phone calls off your list to inform friends and family of his passing.

@PerryDolia I will not be doing this calling immediately. I know there are lots of people but they’re not my concern. Everyone that needs to know is here. My ex husband wanted to be informed ASAP so I will text/call him and my best friend I will call as well but he is coming here for the weekend anyway…sorry, I’m just rambling (thank you this is helping me figure out what I won’t be doing and what I will)

Nothing to add but {hugs}.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir ; This is such a terrible time. My son in law and daughter are still trying to cope with the loss of his mom to Colon Cancer.
It sounds like you’ve done all you can. I understand that you are trying to keep a since of control in a situation you can’t control. When he finally goes, I hope you will give yourself permission to mourn spontaneously. It may happen over months or years, but you are entitled to the entire spectrum of feelings you will experience.
I am so sorry for your loss. :-(

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: I was so touched to read what you wrote, how although the relationship wasn’t good, you were always there for him. I think all the loving care you are giving him will help you in your grieving, you will know you did everything you could.

I’ve been through this many times.

Your hospice should send someone to you. Just call them and ask.

Yes, a pad under is a GOOD idea, as is a blanket or folded sheet on top of the area. The room does NOT need to be cold. The body will be just fine for hours if left there. Don’t concern your self with the room temp…Make it comfy for the living.

If he passes with his mouth and eyes open, and you’d like to have others come in to be able to say good-bye, you can easily close his eyes with your fingers and here’s something I learned from my experience: You can take a hand towel or thin bath towel to wrap his mouth closed (think of an old fashioned pic of someone with the mumps). Take a towel and fold it width wise in thirds (it keeps it’s length but becomes narrow like a ribbon) then place one corner under his head, then put the mid section under his chin and the other end under the other side of the head as tightly as you can. This allows visitors a more pleasant viewing.

From watching my great-grandmother slowly slip away from us, comfortably in her home in her bedroom (albeit a hospital bed, but still), under the care of hospice… the best thing you can really do is to notify hospice. When we thought it was time for Nan to go, hospice had someone there around the clock so our family would have to do nothing except say goodbye. Unless there’s something you need to do for personal closure, let hospice handle all of that. It’s their job, and even though you know how to handle all of it psychologically, it can sneak up on you pretty quickly. If it does, you’ll be thankful you had someone there to take all the responsibilities away so you could concentrate on your family members and yourself.

@SpatzieLover: good advice for eyes and mouth I’ve been with relatives when they’ve passed in their homes and a few in hospitals, just do what you think or know would make them comfortable and be there with them. If your family is physically affectionate then they won’t be uncomfortable to see you (or someone else) close his eyes, stroke his forehead smooth or position his limbs. Hold your ground and let the love you hold guide you through.

@skfinkel I figure there is no reason to avenge the trauma he’s brought into my life – I didn’t forget but I forgave
@SpatzieLover that’s exactly what I was looking for, thank you! I don’t care to make it a ‘pleasant viewing’ but I will position the limbs and do the sheet and close his eyes. Thank you, again

@hungryhungryhortence Yes, whatever they’d be comfortable with is appropriate.

We just recently were with my dad & my aunt whilst they passed. We wiped both with cool damp wash cloths as they passed for their comfort and ours.

Towels and washcloths should be nearby. If your dad likes a certain music for comfort, that should be on.

Another thing that can be helpful to the dying is to keep him calm. Try to gently remind him to breathe through his nose. Just letting him know you’re with him can be quite calming, especially once the gasping breaths come (fish out of water breathing).

If it appears that this type of breathing is going on for a long time, you can check his feet and legs for mottling

Other than that, pillow fluffing and repositioning for comfort can be helpful to ease the breath.

Oh, and it really seems to help if you vocally tell him it’s okay for him to go. It might sound hokey, but I’ve seen it help the person let go a great deal easier.

@SpatzieLover yes a list like that, thank you! you’re a live saver today

@poofandmook I am the only one that DOES tell him that – I tell him he’ll be with his dad and mom and with my brother, that this is a journey he’s going on

@Simone: It’s more about knowing the people he’s leaving behind are okay with him going, more than what he’s going through.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I will help you with anything you want to know.

YES! Tell him it’s time. When he begins LOUD breathing talk in his ear loudly and let him know you’ll be fine, but it’s time for him to go.

@poofandmook oh. I see. yes I didn’t think of that…okay I’ll include that

My aunt was our most recent death. It took her about 36 hrs of heavy breathing. We thought she was “too gone” to hear us any longer…then she “miraculously” woke up and began talking as if no time had passed.

After a good hour of talking, she had a sip of coffee, a sip of soup, went (assisted) to the bathroom, then back to the heavy breathing. It was the last conversation we had with her until the very end.

We kept informing her we’d be fine and she should leave. We kept telling her to look for family members. AT the end she said she saw her sister. We told her to get to her quickly. She had her eyes closed during all of this. She lifted her arms, smiled, then left.

When my dad passed it was very different, we could not talk him into calm breathing, and he went gasping.

Every death is as unique as the person experiencing it. Your job is just to do your best to comfort them through it.

We always make certain to throughly discuss drugs with hospice prior to a passing. Both of the above had very regular doses of morphine.

Yet one more thing I thought of. You will be spending much of your time “waiting”. Pre-packaged foods and pots of tea or coffee need to be on hand for you and your family (and any hospice people that come in to help).

@SpatzieLover that’s exactly what’s happening – 3 days a go a nurse said it’d be under a week – my mother made sure to take time off work starting monday, if we make it to monday, my aunt took time off so she’s here (but she really annoys him, she keeps bothering him with food and drink and whatever suggestions, she’s stifling him)...my grandmother is here as well though they don’t interact…my husband and children are here (we all live together as you see)...so we always have food that we’re cooking…and hospice people come daily…a doctor should be in within a half hour

Stifling can be a bad thing for a patient actively dying. Hospice can really assist here. In fact, you may need to “leave” your dad from time to time to give him the opportunity to pass “alone” in case that’s the way he’d rather go.

Glad to hear you have a support line going. Food is necessary since the caregivers use up emotional energy.

My best wishes to you that all goes smoothly and peacefully this weekend.

@SpatzieLover thank you

My heart reaches out to you. I sang some of my Fathers favorite hymns for him. That really seemed to help when he finally passed. It was ‘When we all get to heaven’ when he went home.
After the initial time of relative calm when hospice and friends are very very helpful. There will be a time when everything will be coming at you like drinking from a firehose. Seek out insurance papers, military records, birth certificates, last years income taxes, financial records, and of course His will. Keep them in a folder, you will need them. The funeral home (at least here in Ohio) issues the death certificates. Get at least 5 original copies. Remember to delegate some stuff. You needn’t carry the whole thing alone, family and many organizations will be happy to help. There is much to do, and not a lot ot time.

My heart aches for you now. As I said in my pm, I’ve been there before. Know that I’m here if you need me…

@Simone_De_Beauvoir hugs and more hugs; I’ve been there!

I know this is a difficult time for you. If you have a hospice care service, they would be the best to ask. They have experience, and that is what they are there for.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

@Yetanotheruser and @cak
he passed away yesterday
this was helpful

@Simone_De_Beauvoir {hugs}

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am truly sorry for your loss.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Thinking of you..

I have no words to adequately express my feelings, even knowing you weren’t really close. But the loss of a parent still will leave you feeling a little like an orphan even as an adult. And as much as I would like to deny it, a peculiar hole of emptiness even though it’s been two years since my father passed, refuses to close. I am told it never completely goes away. I hope your void spot troubles you less than mine. I guess thats my clumsy way of expressing my sympathies.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am glad that the waiting is at an end. I know that you can be at peace that you did all that was reasonable and more. Please take care of you now. Blessings, Marina.

My condolences, Simone. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

thank you everyone, truly
we buried him today

I’m so sorry I missed this, Simone, my sincerest condolences. I will have you and your in my thoughts.

@cak thank you, I appreciate that