How do I ask my girlfriend's parents about marrying their daughter?

I personally thinking asking for “permission” is ridiculous. I’m more of a mind to “let them know”, either just before or just after i would ask.

@eponymoushipster: it’s ridiculous for this day and age, but it’s an old-fashioned kind of thing that I can tell you will definitely give the parents peace of mind that he’s respectful of her family and that he cares enough to take the extra step. Plus, for the girl he’s asking, it’s romantic. Don’t be such a stick in the mud :P

@poofandmook bah, humbug. :)

I would skip asking the parents unless you know that it is part of her culture or unless you want to ask her in a neat way in front of her friends and family, which some guys have done.

How about calling the parents to announce your intent and proposing a meet somewhere in between the two distances so you can ask your girl in front of her folks and maybe a few invited friends? Ask the parents for any tips or ideas as to what they think their daughter would find most romantic, she may have shared childhood wishes/dreams stuff. Congratulations.

I love this question. I think it is very nice and respectful. Certainly not required, but I think the parents will appreciate it. I am assuming they will approve, since you are willing to ask. I think they will understand the distance problem, so maybe ask for both of them to be on the phone at the same time, both parents that is, and let them know how much you care about their daughter, and that you intend to ask her to marry, but wanted their approval/blessings whatever word is appropriate for you.

Or, if they are kind of technologically with it, you could buy them a video thingy for their computer and have them get skype and ask face-to-face through the computer.

Hmmmmm….just how certain are you that she will accept your proposal? And if so, what is your take on her parent’s feelings about this? And how old are you two and is this the first marriage for both of you?

I think asking them over the phone is just fine. I think letting them know your intentions is very respectful.

I know a friend of mine was engaged not too long ago, she was out to dinner with her parents and her boyfriend showed up, and he proposed on stage. It was all very romantic, and the parents were in on the plot.

It’s a lovely idea, and you’re to be commended for your courteous respectfulness. But perhaps you should treat your girlfriend’s acceptance as the most important one. Asking them first implies that if they don’t say yes, you won’t go on and ask her. But they don’t own her or her right to respond.

What if you updated this tradition just a little bit and asked her first, and then went with her to speak to her parents?

“I’ve just asked your daughter to marry me, and she has accepted. May we have your blessing?”

@whatthefluther, I am 27 and she is 32. And this wound be a first for both of us.

@jeruba, I think that is a wonderful answer. Really well thought out.

In that case, @lukiarobecheck, even more so. If she were 17 she would need her parents’ permission, but she is a grown woman. So give a respectful nod to tradition, but treat her as a responsible, self-determining adult with freedom of choice. To do otherwise might make them all wonder what you really think of her.

Traveling out to see them in person to ask for their consent to marry their daughter is a tremendous show of respect.

You don’t want to phone this one in.

Why parents? Why not just ask her father? Clearly women can’t make decisions for themselves, much less other people.

Why are we turning this question into a feminist thing? I bet @lukiarobecheck would still go ahead and propose to the girl even if the parents said no. Asking them is just a cute, respectful tradition to show that he cares about the opinion of her family. It doesn’t mean he thinks the girl has no say or can’t make her own decisions. Obviously if he is planning on asking them, the girl must have a decent or strong relationship with her parents and so she would only be pleased that he gave them the honor of asking them. As an independent woman, I know I would love for my S/O to ask my parents for permission even though my answer is what really matters just because I am close to my folks and would like them to be a part of such a crucial stage of my life.

To answer the title Q, I think asking on the phone should be fine.

Edit – I know this Q is a month old and the OP already proposed, but I am really behind on my questions.

Just to up date any one who is following still. Back at the end of October, I decided on a whim to just pop the question. I was so excited and I just could not wait any longer to do it. I picked a Saturday night, we had been out to dinner, and to watch TCU play BYU. She is a TCU grad. We went back to my place and I got down on one knee, and read her something that I had wrote. I am always doing silly little things like that for her, so she was not sure what to expect. I then pulled out the ring from my shirt pocket, and asked her if she would marry me. It was such a great feeling when she said yes. It was totally spur of the moment, and I figured with her being older, asking her parents first was not needed. I really wanted to, but I just could not wait any longer. The next day, I called her dad, and he was really excited to hear that we had gotten engaged. Looking back, I wish I would have done something more extravagant, or at least planned something out a little better, but it definitely took some of the pressure off me. The only memories that I have of that night are her answer, the ring, what I wrote, and my memories, and those will last forever. I am so looking forward to Dec 18th, of 2010. That is going to be our wedding date. Thanks for all the support.

Splendid! Thank you for the update. I love hearing when things have turned out well. You are such a romantic, @lukiarobecheck. I bet being married to you is going to be really sweet and fun. Congratulations to you both.

Thanks for the update. My husband also proposed to me very spur of the moment, not well planned without a big romantic act, but he is very romantic in general and has done surprise romantic touching things throughout our 17 year marriage. When I look back at the proposal, and even at the time, it doesn’t matter at all to me that it was not some grand stand event. All I think about is that it was a moment between us and how happy I was. I think it was very sweet that you wanted to do something more formal, and even better yet you couldn’t wait that long and just did it.

Congratulations and best wishes.