Breaking up is hard. Instead of saying "I could do better" does this make sense to you? Read on.

Perhaps. Maybe you need time to focus on yourself instead of on a girlfriend. What caused your relationship to fail?

It makes sense, but I also think it’s entirely dependent on what type of relationship people have to begin with. In some cases, “I can do better” is true. Just as “I could do different” or “We’re just not compatible” might be true.

@holden Welcome to fluther. I do not know the answer to that. The relationship lasted 6 years, off and on. Each time we broke up, it was for a stupid reason. She broke it off; I’d break it off. She’d call me, we’d be back together. Like children.

I’m not proud of this. Au contraire, I feel helpless and stupid. I am wasting precious time, hers and mine, I think. We ain’t gettin younger.

(We loved each other tons – no violence – no verbal violence, even)

Off and on? For six years? Sounds like you need to get away from each other, unless you want to continue your relationship in this fashion, which I don’t think you do. I’m not claiming to know what your problem really is, but that sounds unhealthy, and entirely pointless. If you want to be able to start a steady, nurturing relationship, give this one the axe.

@Zen I know how hard it is. Been in an on again, off again relationship for about 5 years, myself.

I suggest bringing her peanut butter ice cream tomorrow and having a heart-to-heart about the feelings you have shared with us here.

Is there such a thing @holden ?

In certain underground ice cream circles, yes. If you can’t find it, default to coconut sherbert. Equally satisfying.

I meant having a heart-to-heart with her after so many break-ups and frustration. The ice-cream – I’m with you on that one. Loves the PB.

You are headed in a different direction, not that you fully understand this direction, but it sounds like you know that it requires you to go on by yourself. There is no ‘better,’ but people do, often, evolve at different levels.
You simply need some time to yourself to explore new things. Not only is this perfectly acceptable, it is healthy.
Chances are, you will both grow from this departure.

Spend some time working on why the relationship is on again off again. In your posts you cite “stupid reasons” for the offs and no reason for the on again.

Look at it this way: Do you love her enough to make it work? So far, the answer to that is no. Right now, on the face of it, neither of you cares enough to stick when there is a problem or to commit to working through issues together instead of walking out.

Why is that?

If it is because your feelings for each other are deep, but not deep enough, then you need to move on.

If it is that you love one another, but fear total intimacy or have baggage that impacts you in your current relationship, then you may want to work on it. I suggest doing that with a counselor.

Finally, why are you doubtful about opening up on your feelings with her? Honest communication is the basis for any meaningful relationship.

Wow @Marina you have over 20,000 lurve!

You wrote: ”...no reason for the on again.”

I’m a guy. The reason is obvious.

(And you know what, I really do love her – we just can’t seem to be together, can’t seem to keep apart.)

I agree that love is love and looking for a “better” love is useless. There is such a thing as different love with different conditions and if that’s what you mean when you say “I could do different” – I totally agree. Adjusting or opening up to those differences is the challenge though.

When you say that you guys are wasting each others time – are you applying that to the “off” periods or the “on” periods?

If you are applying that statement to the “off” periods, then I second both the suggestion made by @holden to sit her down and have a heart-to-heart (over PB ice cream if you feel inclined) and also the statement made by @Marina that honest communication is the basis for any meaningful relationship. If you feel you guys keep breaking up over stupid reasons – say let’s “knock it off” finally and get serious. Reiterate that you guys are only getting older and the years that the relationship remains alive keep accumulating. I would plan a sort of “judgment day” where it’s either you guys try again and really devote yourselves (even during the rough times) or pull the plug. Having a sort of “off and on” relationship is not healthy (I could vouch).

Otherwise, if it turns out she doesn’t want to be cooperative, she has her reasons, she thinks you guy’s just aren’t compatible, doesn’t want to commit, etc. etc. – let that be all of the closure you need and tell yourself you’ve done everything you possibly could have to make it work.

Call it what you will but there is a reason you go “off”. The cycles of breaking up over stupid things and then getting back together is undermining- you have no hold back for the hurt you inflict on each other because you take each other for granted to be able to go back together. Each time you part, you’re lessening the respect, devaluing the person instead of carefully weighing what you will say and do when present together, committed to make that time count for as much positive as possible. You each sold yourselves short.

not that I know you, I’m just feeling out what I read

@Disc2021 Well written. It’s, well, complicated.

But to answer your q: both, because it’s a waste of time on or off when it isn’t going somewhere, imho.

I tried the sit down and powwow. Didn’t work. I tried the we’re getting older stuff, didn’t work. She breaks it off, and wants to get back together 6 months later. Then again. Then I do. It’s like a flamingo courtship, if you’ve ever seen it in the wild: twisting necks, a lot of kissing, pushing away and then finally mating and breaking up again, only to return.

I hate fucking flamingoes. I want some penguin action. They mate for life.

I believe you need to find yourself a penguin. :)

@chicadelplaya Penguins. Calling all female Penguins. Anybody out there?

@Zen They’re out there honey. However, they may be in migration right now. So you must be patient…it will be worth the wait. In the meantime…

Watch out for them seals, girls. They bite.

I’ll be here. Waiting.

it’s tough getting past someone you love so very much. I was in love with someone for six years, and broke it off because we are indeed different people and I know that we won’t be able to make eachother happy forever. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I didn’t leave because i didn’t love him, but because sometimes love isn’t enough. You need some distance and you need to be patient. I agree with your statement that is isn’t “I could do better” but “I could do different”. My ex is a great man, but there was just some sort of feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on and it was the reason we aren’t together. Your penguin is out there for sure! Just be patient, and give yourself the space and time to really move past this person. It’s not an easy road, but if I can do it, I know you can too :)

@shortysith You said: I didn’t leave because i didn’t love him, but because sometimes love isn’t enough. I’ve said that several times to her over the years. I believe this time is the last.

Sometimes you don’t realize what you are feeling until you get some distance and perspective. From my experience, I moved out and tried not to speak to him or see him. As hard as it was, it forced me to see that indeed I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with him even though I loved him. It’s been about 10 months now, and though I am with someone else now, there are still days when it is painful how much things have changed with him out of my life. Keep your head up and remember that you have so much to look forward to. There are so many people to meet, and I am thankful I started thinking like that because I have met some people i wouldn’t have otherwise. I am glad for the time we spent together, but i didn’t want more to go by and both of us miss out and what else is out there. Best of luck on your penguin hunt :)

@shortysith Ta. And to you too.

@Zen Well, you said it bro, and better than any of us could. You know what you want and I think you ought to get it. Don’t keep caving in and falling for her whenever she wants you or whenever it’s most convenient for her; you’re not her little dog for amusement (unless you’re comfortable with that). I would just get direct and say “move it or lose it” and then cut off all contact.

Be firm and be strong – dont stop until you find someone who will stick with you through thick and thin. The road goes both ways though – “The love you take is equal to the love you make”.

@Disc2021 Thank you for those kind words. Sadly, I’m as cliche as the next guy, or, any Friends episode season 7. If she calls me up again, I’ll probably run straight back into her stupid, flabby arms. She smells really good.

To all the women I’ve loved before (3) and to those who might have taken an interest in me and my being single (probably maybe 1): sorry. I’m hopelessly in love with the bitch.

I must be a fucking penguin or something.