How did you raise your self esteem?

I used many of the methods you have described above. There probably isn’t one, single thing that anyone can say “This is what works”. It depends so much on the reasons for the feelings, what upbringing the person has had.

In my case, I had a very loving and supportive family, but the public school “socializing” environment nearly killed me. Even my parents did not understand how much it hurt.

I joined a supportive social club, read all the “self-help” popular psychology books that came out, attented group therapy with a certified phychiatrist, and time passed.

My biggest attitude adjustment occurred when my son was born. That day, I saw that I had a perfect baby, and I pledged to be the good Mom he deserved.

I think that if you change your behavior to admirable behavior, others will admire you more, and so will you, yourself.

I haven’t raised it yet :(
That’s why I spend all my time here making inappropriate comments

@YARNLADY Brilliant.

By surrounding myself and listening to the people who care about me, and trying to ignore those who don’t.

@BBSDTfamily See: http://www.fluther.com/disc/55605/know-the-sunscreen-song-forget-the-insults-remember-the-compliments-if/

I have always thought that doing volunteer work worked wonders for my self esteem an general happiness. I used to sing in church choirs, which I ache to do again. Not only did I get to do something I loved (sing; which, for me, is a great tension reliever), but I helped the community and knew that people appreciated what I was doing.

Do something to feel needed: work at a homeless shelter, go play games with people at an assisted living home, etc. It is a great way to realize that you are needed and valued.

I recognized what qualities I wanted to have (“who I wanted to be”) and put my effort into becoming that person.

Tactics used included introspection, self-analysis, therapy, pretending I already was who I wanted to be and acted accordingly, emulated the actions of those I respected, recognized what value I had and what I could offer to others, made plans, set long-term and short-term goals (about education, profession, friends, family, home, etc), reflected on my thoughts and actions daily.

I also developed a personal philosophy of “When you can choose, choose good.” By this, I mean to choose to be happy, choose to be a good friend, choose to interpret actions or statements in the way that is the least offensive and most supportive, recognize that you and those around you are doing your best at every moment, be patient and forgiving, don’t assume anything bad or hurtful, make wise and long-term decisions. Choose good.

@Les I think you nailed it. Volunteer work, and or doing something for the sheer joy of it (like singing, maybe especially singing) does wonders for the soul.

I’ve been reading Radical Acceptance. In it, I’m learning that it’s better to learn to accept everything about yourself and your situation, instead of always praising yourself, or striving for “self-improvement,” especially since no one will ever be perfect, life will never equal a fairy tale and Glinda’s not coming with her wand anytime soon. Just learn to accept all things about yourself and life, and you’ll have some peace, peace enough to truly live your life. I’m still coming to grips with this sort of thinking myself. Usually if it upsets me enough to want to put the book down, that means “keep reading”.

In my case, my low sense of self came from a place inside where I’ve felt that I had to be better than everyone else just to feel as worthy as everyone else, and that doesn’t work in any area of life. We’re not taught to accept ourselves.

I know for me, the time has come to concede that the ways I was taught to think of myself and the beliefs I chose to have about myself at 4, or at 12, or at 22 no longer work (and have NEVER worked); that I would like to think and feel differently. Not that a 4-year-old or a 12-year-old knows any differently, but once I was past 20-something, I knew that people who are confident trust themselves, regardless, and give themselves permission to live on their own terms. They don’t wait for someone to give them esteem. They generate it themselves. I just never applied that concept to my own self. It’s been hard, because the old ways are desperately trying to hang on, but once I know something, I can’t go back to ignorance without destroying some part of myself.

@Zen I have a bad habit of “watering down” compliments that startle me. For example, if someone compliments the way I look, I point out something I don’t like about myself, etc. Don’t know why, but it’s like I feel like I have to be humble and do this. I know that I need to learn to accept a compliment with a smile and a thank-you, and I’m getting better at it!

@BBSDTfamily Google (I’m too tired, sorry) The Power of Negative thinking. You might just be like about 50% of the world. Keep me abreast?

By being my authentic self and making decisions from that place consistently. Letting go of the manufactured ideas of what I was supposed to do, say, think or act like and just being real.

I stopped beating a particular dead horse, built a family of loving friends and by letting love in and giving it out to people I could trust rather than where it would be less valued, I got more and more, love comes to me- not always on my schedule but it keeps on coming and each time reaffirms all I like in myself is real and valued.

@aprilsimnel: You’re getting closer… keep working at it. This book sound like it is effectively challenging you; and the way you present its philosophy sounds similar to what I’ve gone through on my own (damn! why can’t I have written that book and be making $$?).

You won’t change overnight; but one day, out of the blue, you will realize that you have effectively wiped away 95% of the negative bullshit that the toxic people from your childhood fed you. Sometimes I marvel at the content person I am now, when I was this><close to ending it all about 6 years ago. Because although I am completely different, I am somehow still exactly the same person… it is an amazing paradox.

.

@Zen: Like you, I salute @daloon. Unlike @daloon, I do not have the patience to write and rewrite my story, and sometimes I wonder if I am boring those who have already heard it several times over (or maybe that’s the last vestiges of my low self-worth acting out?).

So I have saved links of some of my best responses, and I reference them here, for those who are so inclined to peruse at their leisure:

• I will start with my response to one of @aprilsimnel‘s questions:
– I’m so stuck. What do I do about helping myself emotionally?

• Do you feel comfortable in your own skin

• This is a multi-part question. 1) What steps have you taken…

• Have you ever battled on going depression, and if so how…

I know there are a couple others that I haven’t been able to find because they are a couple years old, and it frustrates me. Still, I encourage people to use the Search, Explore Topics, Siblings, and User Profile pages on Fluther to get more input. There have been some remarkable stories told here… I Lurve the Fluther Collective!

@hearkat thanks for the links, the search feature is just about useless for some things, because it is too broad.

@YARNLADY: Sadly, I must agree. I’ve even tried searching for a phrase I am almost certain I used in a particular reply, but I still can’t find it.

@all. Thanks.

Keep ‘em coming. You never know whom you might help.

@hearkat
Lurve on old links?
note to self. start pimpin’

I think pretty highly of myself. I always have. But I don’t know how someone could go from having low self-esteem to having high self-esteem.. Seems like a difficult journey.

I always, and I mean always, distance myself from negative people. They usually have low self-esteem and try and bring you down. Smile, thank them for their input, and walk away. Your life will never be the same. And the same holds even if they are family members. Be true to yourself and believe in your inner goodness and it will shine through.

I always talk to myself by saying good job or whatever. i also don’t go near negative people

I once landed in a psychiatric emergency room because a woman dumped me. The doctor in charge that day said he deals with the question of lifting self-esteem all the time, and here’s what he said:

He mimed the action of plucking fruit from a tree, saying “You want some self-esteem? Here, take some. It’s free.”

(About me, he said “You’ve got a broken heart. You’ll get over it.”)

I had what I describe as a “moment”, but, in truth, it was a two-year journey.

I had terribly low self esteem growing up (crazy mom and bullying kids mostly). By the time middle school arrived, I pretty much kept to myself. I walked to school (avoiding the bus), spoke to nobody and tried to be home as little as possible. I was pretty miserable.

Then I met some new friends from an adjacent town who held very different opinions of me than the kids I grew up with in my neighborhood. During this time, my mother had a major melt-down which made me realize something was very wrong with her (most likely borderline personality disorder).

So I began to suspect that how you saw yourself was directly related to those you interacted with. That if you changed venue, as it were, you would eventually form a different opinion of yourself.

The icing on the cake, the “moment” that pushed me to explore life differently, was the first day of high school. When, this one kid, who had tormented me endlessly for years, came running down the hall – screaming – soon to be caught and abused by his very own pack of bullies.

“Circumstance” I thought and began to work very hard to change mine over the next decade.

For me, @aprilsimnel‘s approach seems the most productive. I’m not even going to try to raise my self esteem. I’m just going to try to not take so much stock in those thoughts. Or maybe even enjoy them as an example of how silly I am. Or enjoy the feeling of sadness that comes over me when I think about myself. It’s almost as if I’m not myself, yet mourning myself. In any case, if you can’t fight ‘em, join ‘em.

I think I use my feelings about myself in a rather—well—shall we say, interesting way? Original word in mind was “perverted” way. Ah shit! To explain the games inside my head that seem so twisted, I end up having no idea which way is up, any more. One of those “that’s good,” “that’s bad” monologues.

I appreciate what @BBSDTfamily had to say about compliments. Oh, just for example, when @hearkat wrote, ”@Zen: Like you, I salute @daloon. Unlike @daloon, I do not have the patience to write and rewrite my story, and sometimes I wonder if I am boring those who have already heard it several times over…,” this is the part I focused on: “I wonder if I am boring.” I hear it as ” @hearkat is saying that I’m boring. Maybe I need to stop writing this shit.”

And when @Zen writes ”I salute Daloon,” my first thought is “uh-oh.” “I’m going to try to find a way to make him wrong. But that’s just that pattern of thinking. Really, it’s a compliment. Just say “thank you.”

Thanks, @Zen and thanks, @hearkat! I really appreciate the recognition. In my heart of hearts, that’s what I want to hear, even if certain parts of my mind fight it.

It’s hard facing myself on things like this. I don’t really want to blame my thinking on my childhood. I want to take responsibility for it, and not whine about it. I don’t want to say, “I can’t control how I feel about it,” but I know that if I do, I will blame myself for not controlling it, and it’ll get worse. I just have to be accepting that I can’t control it, and that not controlling it makes me feel bad, and just go on. It doesn’t matter, really. It’s just thoughts. Curious, really. I’m my own lab rat in my own research.

So, blah. Bleck. I’m going to a meeting.

@daloon: Quite to the contrary! I commend you for contributing to the posts that seem redundant. I think it is beneficial to those who will read just those posts and won’t go onto delve into the other related posts. My concern toward boring others is due to to those negative messages that still linger within me. I also don’t write as well as you, so I probably have repeated myself several times in these related discussions. Your contribution to the Collective is priceless, and your Lurve is well-deserved.

I think acceptance is the best place to start when overcoming low self-esteem… it allows us to let go of the past and look at today as a new opportunity to choose behaviors that will leave us with fewer regrets in the future. The only thing we can control is what we do with ourselves in this very moment. Choose wisely!

@hearkat @daloon I have found that many newbies (and others) don’t read all of the posts before replying. In fact, the longer the post (and there are some with hundreds of answers) the less likely for a jell to have read all of the replies – especially the initial ones.

If you have something to contribute, i.e., something in the question, or someone’s reply has struck a chord, and you (at that particular moment) have an urge to share your wis.dm (oops – habit) with the world – go for it.

Don’t reply this way or that way based on what you think will be the response, or for that matter, hesitate to reply because you think you’re being redundant.

I know I can be long in tooth at times (read: tedious; teen read: quit the archaeology, dude) and others can be long-winded – well tough noogies.

This isn’t directed at the two of you, per se, rather it is exactly how I feel about fluther. You read a question, you reply. It could be first or 10th in line, just based on speed of reply and how many jells are writing, too.

Or if it’s in response to something, and you’ve indicated as such, then to hell with what anyone thinks – even if you write 1000 words again. Someone, somewhere appreciates the effort and words of wisdom, time and energy required to write your thoughts.

So by all means, credit where credit is due. Those who appreciate it – like me, once in a blue moon say as such. Thanks Daloon! Those who want McAnswers, either skip over the avatars you find tedious, or go to Yahoo answerville or whatever.

I’m not writing for them, anyway. Fuck ‘em.

I’m writing here… for me.

@Zen . I completely agree. I only read other’s answers after I have crafted mine. Thus my response is always genuinely my own insight, as flawed or duplicate it might be. I believe in brevity. Too much analysis often leads to paralysis.

@dannyc Yes, but sometimes you read an answer and reply to that.

It’s all good.

:-)

Rarely.

@Zen
Yes some people are excessive to a fault on their elaboration of EVERYTHING when it’s not always necessary- “Don’t complicate the simple or attempt to simplify the complex,” imagining that getting recognition will be a substitute for true self esteem. The result is empty though and rarely satisfies. One can’t get from another what they don’t give to themselves.

I try to read as much as I can before I answer, because I really don’t see a need to repeat things that have already been said. Sometimes, though, I skim though the answers looking to see if any one has made my point. Since I’m skimming, I might miss it.

Also, I like reading through because sometimes there are points I want to respond to, or other comments that remind me of something or suggest something that I wouldn’t have thought of on my own. But, like @Zen, I write, at least partially, for me. I write to find out what I think. I write to work things through. I write because it helps me think. As such, it is valuable to me, even if to no one else.

Of course, I get a sense of satisfaction when people do appreciate what I’ve written for one reason or another. I certainly wish to be of service to others. For me, I don’t know what else there really is. And it’s not like that’s altruistic at all. I like to be of service because I think that’s the only way people will like me.

But I don’t go to the ends of the earth to provide service. Far from it. I only help others when it interests me to help them. That happens when I am interested enough to learn from a question.

But it’s all a process of some kind. There is no end result, and there is no point at which I’ll finally believe I am worth anything. There is only more opportunity, and a chance to stave off the bad feelings for a little while. Fluther is great because it does provide many opportunities to help, even if it is help from afar, and one rarely finds out if one’s advice actually did make a difference in real life.

I think that’s a problem because without feedback, I might keep on giving the wrong advice. I’d hate to hurt people that way. I always feel responsible for what I say, and particularly for avoiding misinformation as much as I possibly can. I really feel bad when I’ve said something that turns out to be weak or wrong. So in a way, moving on to the next question gives me a chance to fix past fuck-ups. But I can never foresee a time when I will feel like I’ve done enough.

But, I’ve missed a billion opportunities in the past, and I’ll miss a billion more (I hope) before I die. It’s absurd to think I would ever think of myself as successful. It’s just not in my psyche, somehow. So fuck it. Obviously I can survive without feeling good about myself. Maybe it’s not all that important to feel good about myself. Maybe the only thing that matters is doing, no matter how one judges it. Well, I guess I can’t really say that, but if I am like the doctor—“first, do no harm”—then I think it is the doing that matters. Otherwise, perhaps I am being destructive or harmful to others, and that always makes me feel horrible. I let others down, and I let myself down. It is far worse to let myself down than to let anyone else down. I am so much harsher on myself than most other people seem to be.

However, when people are nice or appreciative, I have no idea what to make of it. It seems like it shocks me somehow. It’s hard for me to believe. I enjoy it, but part of me always feels like there must be some mistake.

@daloon
There is no end result, and there is no point at which I’ll finally believe I am worth anything.
How can one go through their life believing that they have no efficacy? I can understand not being sure of the particular effect but surely you can’t think that we don’t all have value? Sometimes our role is to be the bearer of bad news, sometimes good. And yes we share in that conclusion with others and their response to us. We can’t ever be sure how someone will be affected by our remarks and depending on their frame of mind we’re good or bad. But it’s all subjective and we wean from it what we need for better or worse. We’re only human and all of us are fallible.

@SeventhSense How can one go through their life believing that they have no efficacy?

I can’t answer that. Maybe it has to do with expectations. Maybe it has to do with mental illness.

…surely you can’t think that we don’t all have value?

I do think others have value. Of course I do! But that has nothing to do with me. It’s very difficult for me to face the question of worth without taking it existentially. On that level, it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever be anywhere but in progress. It just depresses me to think about it, so I try not to do that very much.

@daloon
My sympathy to you.
And I hope you can someday experience internally your value, even knowing that we are all just works in progress. Peace.