Why can't I be truly happy?

How about just being yourself. Let nature take it’s course.

You’re only 23, so I think you’re a little young to be worried about being alone forever.

Obviously, I don’t know you, but here’s what I think after reading your question…

Quit trying different “approaches.” Be the best version of you. Women can see through that phony crap, and it’s a huge turn off.

Also, you say you want a woman with a brilliant mind and matching body. That will be hard to find, but I suppose it is possible. Just realize that if you have such high standards for the superficial aspects of a woman, you might be let down often.

Having the attitude that beautiful women in your area are dumb, or that the hot and cute ones are homebodies won’t get you anywhere. Maybe you’re not giving the women you find attractive enough of a chance to prove their smarts. Maybe you’re going to the wrong places.

Keep trying, and change your attitude.

Or maybe it’s Philadelphia. (Hang around the libraries at U. Penn. Go to the Art Museum. Walk in Fairmount Park. Bike along the river.)

@Likeradar stole the words right out of my mouth! Stop trying so hard. Just relax, be yourself, and when it’s your time, you’ll know it. Don’t be in a hurry to find the right one. In the mean time, have fun with the wrong ones!!

@ChazMaz: I can’t say I haven’t tried that.

@Likeradar: I understand where you’re coming from. As for my statement of the ‘dumb’ women around here…I give more than a fair chance to show some intelligence…Even to the point of lowering my standards a bit further than I feel comfortable with to the point that I feel like my integrity is in question, you know?

@gailcalled : Probably.

@scamp: I’m not the kind of guy who goes out having fun with the ‘wrong ones’

@David_J1985 How do you know that the “wrong ones” really are wrong?

True story- I’ve always liked big, manly, beer drinking, football-watching, power-tool owning, BBQing dudes. It wasn’t working out, and I thought I’d never find him. Then when I was 27 I met a quiet, skinny, very intellectual geek. We hung out. We had fun. We’ve been together over two years, and are in the process of moving in together for the first time.
Moral of the story: Change your expectations and broaden your horizons.

How about just working on enjoying your life as it is and becoming truly happy with who you are as an individual? Because until you can be happy with and by yourself, you will not find happiness as half of a couple.

Your title asks about true happiness, but your description asks about true love.
I’m not sure which you really want.

Well I think thats your first problem…Stop correlating true happiness with true love. I think your Ideal of being happy involves you finding love. Yes love is great but its also something that you cant go looking to start. Dont get me wrong you can look to find love…but you cant just look for love in any old place. Eventually youll be in love for the wrong reasons. Happiness is what you make it. You said your self “I’m a 23 year old male living in philadelphia, PA. I have a good job and and good friends. Everyone tells me I’m a great guy and very nice to be around.” Shouldnt you be happy about that? Shouldnt you be glad at that age your doing so well for yourself? Alot of people are worse off. My advice….Take a deep breath. Relax. Do the things that you love doing and be the person you are. Eventually you’ll find someone. And if you dont…at that point you may have realized that you are happy and you dont need someone…

Good Luck!

@David_J1985, I understand completely how you are feeling, I am just on the opposite end of the spectrum, a girl looking for a guy to complete my happiness. I think you sound like an intelligent guy who knows what he is looking for in a relationship, and you should never lower you standards just so that you can have someone. You need to be kind to people, take chances, and above all be patient. It isn’t easy by any means, it’s not easy for me either, but know that there are girls out there who are worthy of your time and affection, just relax and don’t let these thoughts rule your life. It doesn’t help you in any way. I know this may not be the advice you are looking for, but personally, I haven’t found a piece of advice on this subject that was exactly what I was looking for yet, what we really want is for Fluther to provide us with the perfect person somehow. While Fluther is amazing, I have my doubts that it can accomplish that.

I found the true love of my life when I was 57 years old, had gone through two marriages that lasted 28 years in toto, and had raised four children. You never know.

@Likeradar : I don’t think I know how to broaden my horizons without completely obscuring my initial Criteria.

You don’t say where you’ve tried these approaches. So I don’t know where you are looking for a mate. My suggestion is that you start doing things you enjoy—think of it as extra-curricular activities. Have fun, and if someone shows up there who you like, you have a chance to get to know something about her before you start dating.

I’m a great believer that dating and looking at women purely in situations where you are pressured to figure out if you like them or not just are not good ways to find a love. I’d say that you find love doing what you love. As others have said, stop trying. Stop seeing it as a game and you’re a player in the game. Take the pressure off. Focus on doing things you like to do, and, sooner or later, you’ll find a person who you click with.

Also, dispense with your criteria. All of them. You are too young to really know yourself enough to know who you will click with. Hell, I’m 53 and I still couldn’t tell you my type. I lived with three women before I met my wife. They were all different in almost all characteristics, except that they were smart and they all had various shades of red hair. The red hair was accidental. I wasn’t looking for it.

@David_J1985 Get to know some girls who don’t meet your original criteria.

You say you want a woman whose body is only matched by her mind. Is that true of you? Are you attractive and smart? Quality calls out to quality; neediness calls out to everyone.

You say you’ve tried different approaches. Have you tried just being the best person you can be, and letting go the need to find true love on a schedule? If you work on your own happiness, apart from any relationship goals, you will automatically be more attractive. If you’re hunting for a woman because you don’t think you’ll be happy unless you have one, well, people can smell desperation and neediness, and it’s not attractive.

Don’t look at it as if you need a woman to complete you. Look at it as if you need to be complete in and of yourself. Then you’ll find someone else who is complete in herself.

Stop looking for her. Let her find you.

@cwilbur Well said!!

What makes you think having a woman will make you “truly happy”?Hell as soon as she gets her clutches into youthe goalposts get moved. Dude!
Most women are very manipulative,they will steal, cheat,get drunk with the girls every friday,eat everything in the fridge and then vomit in the bath.
All i’m saying is consider the above before falling for the “furry triangle”

@ASoprano Yeah, most women will totally vomit in the bath. It’s like, part of our DNA. And get drunk with the girls every Friday? To hell with that, we get drunk every other night with guys… except the guy we’re with, of course. How would we cheat if we did that?~

@Likeradar And you just made me hate women even more than I did before…Thank you! lol

@Jferrato7 LOL Bigtime

Brilliant people are hard to find – find that first, attraction is less important…and I completely agree with @cwilbur—-you better be brilliant and attractive yourself

One would hope that as you gain age and experience you will care less and less what your girlfriend’s appearance will be, and more and more what kind of long-term companion she will make.

My first marriage was to a woman who would be considered beautiful by most people in our culture. Thank goodness I don’t give a shit about “beauty” any more. What a disaster that was.

There is the a golden triangle for finding the right person: looks, brains, personality. Pick two. If you select looks and brains, you may have to accept compromise on personality. Likewise, if you select brains and personality, you may have to compromise on looks. If you select looks and personality, you may have to compromise on brains.

Not to say that the person is either unattractive, dumb or a witch, but just that they may not measure up entirely to your standards of perfect. If you go looking for perfect, you may not recognize it at first.

I’ve got some experience in being a very picky coupler and I’d say it’s at the very least 2 in 10 you’ll think are a good match and you’ll be lucky if out of the two, 1 of those will be in circumstance to take up with you. That’s a lot of “kissing toads” but I also believe this with all my heart: one hit can heal nine misses.

Philadelphia population has 812,443 females, 117,609 in your age bracket. If you can’t find one to suit you, maybe you are too picky?

@rooeytoo yeah but they’re not all single or straight, right?

I suggest you just decide to be happy. Enjoy every moment of your life fully. All else will unfold as it should. Don’t overthink.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – the stats didn’t specify,nor did they specify if the women were brilliant in body and mind, but heck the numbers didn’t even include the suburbs. There must be a couple.

@rooeytoo lol, guess so…but it’s not like he’s able to address a stadium of them all at once

wouldn’t that be nice? Able to address all women in a town just like one of those recent Best Buy commercials, to pick the right match.

You might have better luck by working on meeting girls that you have common interests with, and then go from there. Also, watching this video series may help you understand the “how” portion of your question a little better.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – I am basically being a smart ass, the guy wants a woman brilliant in body and mind. He said “Sadly…the only attractive women around here are about as dumb as a brick…or smart and cute but they don’t ever go out into public” it is just so generalized and sexist.

His attitude reminded me of the line in the Full Monty when the dopey fat guy says that the gorgeous woman is not acceptable because her breasts are too big.

I figure if this dude were as hot as the woman he demands, he wouldn’t be having so much trouble finding her.