I need advice about whether I should still persue a relationship with a guy that my mom thinks might be gay?
I have this friend, we’ll call him Derek. He is my mother’s colleague, as an intern. He is only 2 years older than I am and my mother and him get along great. I was introduced to him when he was over at the house once, and I am interested in him and I think he may be interested in me too. However, my mother thinks he may be gay, and she thinks he is going through this period in his life where he is frustrated and angry and doesn’t want to admit to himself that he may be gay. I personally think that he isn’t gay but my mother has a ‘gay-dar’ and has been right about picking out men who weren’t admitting to being gay at first but ‘came out’ later. I like this guy as a friend, and maybe more, but I’m just wondering if you think I should still try to flirt with him etc. or just let it drop. Just a note: My mother came out and asked him if he was gay once and he flat out said No to her. But she is still getting these ‘gay-vibes’ from him from time to time. It would be fine if he was indeed gay, we are still friends and he is a great guy, but I still think he is really cute!!! Advice?
Observing members:
0
Composing members:
0
40 Answers
If your mom asked him and he said ‘no’ then, you asking him too might make him feel ganged up on. Especially if he’s interning for your mom. Maybe invite him to do stuff with you. Become friends first, and see how he reacts. He may go in for a kiss at the end of the first “date.” It may take a while to get any messages from him. But, there’s no harm either way. If he’s interested in you, then you’ve built a good foundation, and if he’s gay, then you’ve begun a friendship!
If your mother is a lesbian, I’d trust her gaydar. Otherwise, use your own judgement.
Ask him out. If he says no, he’s either gay or not into you. Or, not gay and not into you.
I wonder if your mom could be right, but should still respect this man’s privacy. They work together, and he may have reason to believe that being “out” at work wouldn’t be a good idea. Or, he isn’t gay. Just get to know him and take things from there.
@PandoraBoxx , my mother isnt a lesbien but she is really good at picking up on things like that
Hell, gays/lesbians don’t know much better than straights do… I have plenty of embarrassing stories about friends of mine to prove it!
Show him some boobage. See how he responds.
Have you stalked him on facebook?
If you don’t want to be so blunt as to ask, just ask him to hang-out. You will be able to judge whether or not he is attracted to you once you spend a bit of time together. If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll have gained a friend. It’s a win win situation.
Ask him if he likes musicals or a trip to San Francisco
It took me forever to realize that you were a girl. It made this post really confusing. Good luck with your situation though!
@richardhenry , lol Sorry, i guess my username doesn’t really scream woman haha thanks for the good luck! :)
Maybe your mom is interested in him?
@Zen , lmao not at all, she is like 23 years older than him, they are just friends.
@CatLover002 Your nickname screams old maid, or gay waiter, actually.
@Zen , actually i’m 18, when i made this, I didn’t know if i’d like fluther or use it alot so I made my username the first thing I thought of when creating the account. Now I use fluther and really enjoy it. but my username has stuck.
Scrap it and lose the 30 lurve. Start afresh with a name you like, like zen’swife or something, @CatLover002
@Zen , oooh is that what the ‘lurve’ is for? Didn’t know. hahaha yeah right, i think i’ll change it to hotchick lol just kidding. idk what i’ll change it to.
Why does your mother think he is gay? There has to be a reason. Is he a bit feminine? Does he have a lot of gay friends? Is he not into guy stuff? I dated this guy a while back who according to all of my friends (including a gay friend), was gay or at least bi. I didn’t want to believe it because he was obviously turned on by me so how could it be? Now, three years later we remain friends and even though he hasn’t admitted it to me, I’m sure he is gay. This is why:
He doesn’t have any straight friends.
He hasn’t dated another woman since me.
He’s been living with the same roommates who are both gay for more than 3 years.
He only goes out to gay bars or gay clubs.
And now that I think about it, he is a little feminine.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are always signs that indicate if he is or isn’t. Just don’t let your interest in him blind you to them. I’m telling you this because if he is gay and you continue going into a relationship with him, your relationship will probably not go anywhere. And worst case scenario, you’ll lose a good friend. So if you’re going to go for it, just be sure he’s as manly as he can be.
Who’s gonna be dating him, you or your mom?
If hes gay, you’ll find out.
Does he dress well, and eat lunch with the women in the office?
@CatLover002, Zen could be right. Don’t rule it out just on the basis of age. You might think that sounds absurd, but there are plenty of couples who don’t. I could tell you some Mrs. Robinson stories.
@kheredia, the only valid argument you have on your list is “he only goes to gay bars or gay clubs.”
@Jeruba IM me some stories please. Been kinda dry lately and it’s just what I need. Cheers.
;-) Lurve.
Why does it matter what your mother thinks? I have dated gay guys, even if nothing else you usually get to have fun. He will let you know if you start appearing serious.
@PandoraBoxx, not sure about that one. Some straight women like to go to gay bars where the guys won’t be hitting on them. Some straight guys like to go to gay bars to meet the straight women. Or so I hear.
@PandoraBoxx Really? You think so? I would think not having any straight friends is a pretty big one too. How many straight guys do you know who only hangs out with gay guys?
@kheredia, that does seem like a pretty strong indicator. But I would still question the assertion that “there are always signs that indicate if he is or isn’t.” You’re only counting the ones you know about. I mean, if you don’t see any signs, and you don’t find out he’s gay, you think he’s straight. But he might not be. You can’t prove anything about seeing signs just by counting the ones you see. You also have to know that all those where you don’t see signs aren’t gay. I would have to doubt that. Haven’t you ever been surprised to learn that someone was gay? No signs.
Also, I wonder if you (anyone) really know all of anyone else’s friends. I don’t think even my closest friends know who all of my friends are because they move in different circles.
@Jeruba Yes, I guess you’re right. It’s just in my experience, I usually can tell when a guy is not straight. Of course, sometimes I’m wrong and the guy is simply a little feminine but not gay. Still, most guys will show some sign of not being completely straight.
@kheredia, For some reason, about 50% of our social circle is gay. There are those who are obviously gay, several who have been married for decades and had families before coming out, guys in the military, politicians, lawyers, accountants, graphic designers, a chef or two, actors, teachers, business owners. With half of our friends, you would know that they are gay, but the rest you can’t tell. We also know a number of bachelors who are not married and not gay, whom people have
I suspect it is a result of living in a college educated urban neighborhood for so long.
I wouldn’t listen to my mum about who to date, but if she’s been right in the past, perhaps you have a point. However, I don’t see the problem here. As you said, you like the guy as a friend. So start from there. Maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s bi, maybe he’s just straight and a little sensitive or something. You’ll figure it out yourself in due time. And even if he cheats on you with a guy a year from now, well, it could have been with a girl, what’s the difference?
What is wrong with him being happy?
Well, there are three basic options. Your mom could be right, your mom could be wrong, or your mom could be off base because he’s confused and sending out mixed signals.
If your mom is right, attempting to pursue a relationship won’t go anywhere, and you’ll find out soon enough.
If your mom is wrong or off base, attempting to pursue a relationship may or may not go anywhere, depending on his interest or lack thereof.
I see no drawbacks to pursuing a relationship under any of these circumstances, as long as you’re willing to accept that he may be straight but still not interested in you.
Response moderated
@CatLover002 ; just ask him, If he is not gay then at least you know he can likely Cook!
Answer this question 
This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.
Composing members:
0
