Do you think that a on again off again relationship pattern can be solved?

Depends. Are you on or off now?

Yes it can be. Next time you are off, slam the fucking door shut and seal it (unless you enjoy the roller-coaster ride).
See ya….Gary/wtf

Lol. I do enjoy your posts, Gary.

Which party are you? The one that leaves/regrets or the one being left? My answer depends on this.

I think Gary is right.

Something must initiate the breakup and I doubt it is pleasant. Move on. You might be alone for a while but a healthy relationship shouldn’t be like this.

From my experience of on-off again relationships (currently off, 6 years in the making) – it is too individual and personal – advice merely reflects what the author thinks he would do, but rarely actually even does it himself.

In the real world @Sillyish – and welcome to fluther in case I forget – it’s way more complicated than that, right? Do what feels right, what feels best. Take your time, and maybe read a book by Hendrix (Google, Amazon him).

He says, in a nutshell (and he’s a brilliant therapist in my hp); you’ve met, or seen, or sifted through so many people in your lifetime (15–30-50 years, it’s a lot of people) – we don’t know exactly what made you stop looking and focus on one person, but you did. They are special.

You’ve hit a snag, you’ve run out of love, you are getting tired of things you found initially “cute?”

Well, life and love run deeper than that, and there’s nothing better out there – spend your time and energy fixing the problem, not running away from it.

Next one will be the same, 9 times out of 10. There’s a reason why it’s on again off again and not just – over.

Hendrix. Does a soul good. Try it.

I agree with @Zen. Not about Hendrix, but only because I haven’t read him, but about trying to understand what it is about the relationship that is causing the restlessness, and working on fixing the root cause together. In a relationship, there’s his side, her side, and the truth. Sometimes it takes a counseling session or two to get the truth out on the table.

Yes, Zen has a point, except there are also those couples that keep coming back to each other just because it’s familiar, not because of the person. I stayed with my ex for probably about a year and a half longer than I should have because it was familiar, not because I was drawn back to HIM. It took finally ending the relationship to realize that.

I second @poofandmook
it is a safe plce, a place known. He is a fledgeling bird eager to fly free but returns to the security of the nest. Your relationship is just a stepping stone to him. As soon as he finds someone else he will not return.

I also agree strongly with Gary aka @whatthefluther.

Change the locks.

Yes, you can stop doing it.
This relationship you’re in will absolutely keep you from seeking out better relationships.
If a relationship is based only on familiarity, it’s doomed to repeat the same cycle until someone breaks it.

As @The_Compassionate_Heretic says, there are relationships based on familiarity and those based on commitment to being present and respectful as much as possible. I believe every time you let loose because you’re sure the two of you can “talk it out” and “patch up” then a little bit of you two as a couple gets lost. I really wish people would weigh their words, weigh their actions and see the time together as precious, never to be gotten back again, that there may not be a tomorrow. Nothing’s as heartbreaking as seeing love torn and worn down by being taken advantage of.

It’s generally doomed. And the only solution is for the other party to get fucking sick of it.

I think most people stuck in this type of relationship are kidding each other. They aren’t “on” again because their love is so strong they couldn’t stay apart, but because it’s easy to be comfortable and settle for someone.

@hug_of_war: I’ve also seen couples in this situation knowing they are probably doomed because one or both has severe damages such as addiction but the love tortures them to hold on and pull out all the stops to see if they can be saved.

Fear of separation and being scared of the alternative is sometimes why people end up in “ricochet romances”. You have received some excellent advice.

The other thing I woud mention is maturity and a recognition that you know yourself sufficiently well enough to make a final decision on whether to continue the path you are on. In college I bounced around with a few women and thought I was in love with one of them but nothing stuck. I was in one of these romances as you describe just after college for only around a year, but it was both of us who went out with other people, with calling it cheating (which it wasn’t) and once this happened, the relationship ended. I did not know what I wanted, I thought I did, but deep down I didn’t.

I met my wife at 28 and we went out for a while with other people, by agreement, but it had to become exclusive before too long or it would not have worked. We are married 26 years.

If your “other” is straying and coming back begging forgiveness, this is going to continue until he or she is ready to make a commitment, because he or she wants to and not as a result of you issuing an ultimatum, and adhere to this commitment. Ready is the important word.

SRM

If the jag in the relationship comes down to you, like you know where you’re going wrong, and are able to just stop whatever is dysfunctional, then it can be solved. If it comes down to the other person, then it usually is pointless.

So long as the response to boredom is to walk away to find interest somewhere else there is no hope for the relationship long term.

What is the boredom about? What is this “itch?”

Clearly you are both not getting all that you want from the other. As always, you can only sort this out through completely honest communication. You need to delve into the truth about what you are missing. It’s not just sex. It’s something underlying that—the meaning of sex to you both. You’ve got to figure out what it is, and what it means, and see if there is any way to give it to each other. Couples counseling can help with this.

I’ve been there. I cheated on my wife. I was missing something—a sense of real connection. I felt alone. I wasn’t getting enough love (which I experience through love-making). My wife was feeling alone because we weren’t spending enough time together. We’ve been in counseling for two years now. We’ve identified our issues and have figured out ways of addressing them, but there are still problems. It’s not easy, and we are both very committed to the relationship. I say that despite my venture outside the relationship. I did that because I was desperately seeking something that was missing. I didn’t want to do it. In my mind, I was doing it to save the relationship. These thoughts and feelings were all magnified because, it turned out, I had (for whatever reason) unleashed a latent predisposition to bipolar disorder.

If you can’t break through to that deeper understanding of each other, this pattern could go on endlessly, or you could both “settle” but always be resentful of the other for “making” you settle. Either way, it’s miserable, if not intolerable. I’m sure you don’t want to live that way. Solve it or don’t. In either case, take the appropriate action—either staying together, or separating and moving on.