If you knew your dad was going to die in 8 weeks, what would you do? Say?

I’m really sorry to hear that.
I would say to him how much I love him and remind him of all the great memories we shared. Live by his side. Take care of him and always stay positive.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would probably want to listen to his stories, especially those that took place before you were born. Looking at pictures, reminiscing, and letting him know how much he has meant to you would be good too.

Oh no….. Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear that. It must be really hard on you..

Okay, I haven’t gone through something like this yet, but you seem to be on the right track in terms of wanting to spend quality time as a family with your dad. I do have a few questions though.

- What’s his physical condition like? Is he still physically active? This will determine what type of activities you guys can do.
– How many people do you plan to have during these quality times?
– What’s your financial situation like? Can you afford to go on holidays your dad’s always wanted to go to but never had a chance to?
– What does your father love to do/have?

But one or two ideas off the top of my head for now.
You could always hold a going-away party of sorts. Going away doesn’t always have to be a sombre experience. Sure, it must be so heart-wrenching to know that your father’s going to leave this earth, but why not celebrate what he’s done? From what I can see, he’s raised a wonderful caring daughter (I assume you’re female from your nick). Invite friends, family and make sure that he has the time of his life.

Going out on simple family outings is nice. Go to the park, relive your childhood with him. Maybe point out that tree you ran into when you were seven and laugh about it. Shower him with love.

That’s all I can think of right now, I might have some other ideas later on, but it would help if you did answer those questions I posed. You know, to help personalise your plans.

And I’m so sorry that you had to come to Fluther on this note, but for what it’s worth, welcome anyway. I hope you find us useful. =)

So sorry. These days are precious. Be with him, let him know how much you care for him, and how you will never forget him. Listen to music with him, read to him, make sure you ask him any questions you have. If he’s feeling at all good, maybe you can help make some special meals for him. Ask him what he would like to do, and then help him do it. And support the other members of your family, and let them support you as well. Let his friends in, and yours too.
Sending you and your dad, and your family good thoughts.

All great! Please keep ‘em coming!

First of all, I am so sorry to hear that!! It must be tough.
Well, I can honestly say that I do not know what I will do, but since my best friend was in the same position last year, I can tell you what he did. The main thing is that he and his family did not want to make the dad feel sick or any different as it would bring him down, so they acted normal around him, but they made sure that they spent alot of quality time with each other and tried to minimize the arguments and disagreements infront of him.
It is always hard to be in that situation, so make sure you spend the time well being happy and making sure he is happy too, there is no use in being sad and depressed all the time ( as hard as it sounds).
I will mention you and your family in my prayers! Good Luck

Get a leave of absence from work – quit if it’s not granted. Find out from my mom what (if anything) still troubles him, then do whatever it takes to resolve those issues (bad blood in the family or between old friends sorta stuff).

Had so much more to say but can’t get it out in a coherent manner.

Anyone else get teary eyed contemplating this question?

edit: I answered this before reading the body of your question. I’m truly sorry to hear about your father.

My grandfather died of brain cancer when I was a toddler. His death was sudden, but expected. It affects my father to this day.
What does your dad enjoy doing the most? Is he a fisher, an amateur astronomer, does he golf, is he an outdoorsman, does he love football? Go out on an afternoon of doing his favorite activity with him. Then once the day is over, take him to his favorite restaurant or make him his favorite dinner. Then do it all over again, as often as you can, as long as he can sustain the attention. Always tell him you love him, though I’m sure you already do.
@FutureMemory yes

Don’t beat about the bush and pretend it isn’t happening. Ask HIM what he wants – and listen to the answer even if you can’t agree with it.

How awful for you, my sympathies. I know this time is difficult, my cousin has just left this world from a brain tumour (he was 29) He wanted to spend as much time as possible with family and friends, but also needed time to himself to reflect on his life.

Ask you dad what he wants to do and see.

Defo take some time off work on compassionate leave, any compassionate boss will do this for you no problems.

I hope you can get through this time with much love.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of your family xx

maybe videotape him telling stories about his childhood, singing the lullabies that he sang to you when you were a kid, and just capture his voice and the way he moves. hug him a lot.

My father recently passed away from colon cancer – before he passed away, 2 weeks prior he was given 2 months to live so we all knew his death was near – we gave him time to get used to the idea of death, alone time that he needed to meditate – otherwise we treated each day as if it was a normal day – I tried my best to make him happy, brought his grandkids over, talked about hopes for my future, etc. He died in his sleep. I would suggest signing him up for at home hospice care, they’re wonderful. At around the same time as all this was going on I got a job with the American Cancer Society as a patient navigator. I have a lot of familiarity with resources out there for those who have brain cancer. Below is a link to a great website on brain cancer:

www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/braincancer.html

Also please call us at ACS at 800-ACS-2345

a person is available for you and your family 24/7 and they can match him into clinical trials if that’s an option and provide information on most up-to-date medical knowledge and connect him to support groups according to your zip code and much much more…please they’ve spent nights talking with people and families…they’re amazing…you won’t be sorry you called

good luck to you and your family and my condolences

I’m sorry about that awful news. It must be very difficult for you and your family. I haven’t actually spkoen to my father in quite awhile. He hasn’t been a big part of my life ever since I was 2 years old and my mother left him. I have always been disappointed in his inability to step up and be a real dad to me. But if I were to find out he only had a little longer to live I think I might actually blame myself for not trying harder to be part of HIS life. I’d realize that I was just as capable of picking up a phone and giving him a call as he was. I guess I’d immediately try and make up for all the lost years and spend every minute he had left with him.

@ItalianPrincess1217 in some ways the verdict of death on a parent that we aren’t close with makes it easier to interact with them – my dad and i weren’t close either but in his last weeks we were, because I realized it all doesn’t matter and he doesn’t have much to live so I might as well be with him – if he had continued to live, we’d inevitably have problems, yet again

I’m so sorry to hear this. Maybe write down all of his life story so it never gets lost? You will be amazed to learn some of the things about him that you never knew…..

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m really glad that you had those last few weeks of closeness with your dad….

If he was able to get around. We would spend those 8 weeks fishing.

If bed ridden. I would be moving in.
No question he would go on a spending spree. Eat lots of bad (good) food.

I gave my dad a book that was designed for him to tell about his life. Names of his parents. Places he went. Personal suggestions, that when he passes on we can reflect on. Slots to place favorite pictures in.

I am sorry to hear this. I am going to dinner with my dad tonight.

@Val123 Writing down his life story is a great idea. If he’s not a writer, perhaps you could have him dictate it to you, or even just have long, tape-recorded conversations about his life.

My grandfather passed away 2 months ago, and he wrote us a long, detailed letter describing his life, especially the part that happened before his sons were born.

At the same time, just because the doctors say that your dad is going to die in 8 weeks isn’t a guarantee. The doctors gave my grandfather 6 months to live, and he lived for almost 2 years after that. After we got the news of his prognosis, we all made a point to spend a lot of quality time with him. He was modest to a fault, and about a year after receiving his prognosis, wrote us a letter in which he said “I almost feel like I have to apologize for not being dead.” Make it clear to your dad that whatever time he has left on this earth is precious to you, if it turns out to be a month or 20 years. I don’t know if you live in the same city as your dad, but my advice would be to never pass up an opportunity to visit him, because you never know if it’s going to be the last. It is incredibly painful to reflect after the death of a loved one “If only I had gone to visit him that one time.”

I’m sorry for your pain, and I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much everyone for all your feedback. This is a very difficult time for my family but we are treating each day as a gift. We went to the doctor this morning and he showed us the brain scans. It was pretty intense. This fluther thing is pretty great. You are all pretty great!

I’‘m glad that you’ll have time with him. When I lost my Dad it was instantly and out of the blue. Totally unexpected. I never got to say good bye. My thoughts will be with you.

I’d spend more time with him, but not too much as that could easily upset him. I’d do my best to find that happy medium and make sure he knew how much he means/meant to me.

I would ask him to name off a list of his favorite things he’s done, he’s wanted to do, stuff he likes and go from there as to how to fill the hours together in the next few months.

Today we are watching the BYU football game. He LOVES college football.Thanks so much for all your responses!!!!

I am so sorry!
I like the idea about videotaping him. Have him talk about memories of his grandparents, unusual things he saw or did. Make sure you hug it out.

@filmfann X2

Sorry about your father.

When my dad’s death was imminent I said, “I love you.”
That was the first and last time that we told each other that; I was 25 when he died. It was too bad that there wasn’t much verbal expression of love between us, but I was glad that I took the innitiative.

More than other people’s opinions on what you should say or do I think you are the only one that can truley answer your own question. Your presence is worth more than any words you could say. Rehearsed words or prepared speeches will only sound rehearsed and prepared. Just be there for him…and that will mean more to him than anything you could say.

I just wanted to offer my condolences and I hope the following weeks are peaceful and fruitful in your relationship with him.

I too am sorry to hear about your dad’s situation. These kinds of things are never easy. I lost my dad to brain cancer when he was 40 (I was 18). I would encourage you to plan in such a way that any important things (to which you wish he will contribute) are scheduled early in the time scheme as brain tumors can be unpredictable in terms of his level of function and understanding.

Surprisingly, having worked in HIV/AIDS through the worst of the epidemic, I would recommend that you provide him the opportunity for some alone time. Everyone will want to gather around and be near him in his final weeks and alone time comes at a precious cost. Many of my clients have said that it was the most important gift they were given at the end.

While family time is important and you are looking at losing a father, he is facing losing everyone and everything. To the extent possible, allowing him to “drive” in these final months may prove very helpful to him (give him a sense of control) and to your family (he did what HE chose to do). As many things will fall from his control, giving him control over what happens in HIS final weeks (to the extent he is able) is critical.

Know too that doctor’s predictions are unpredictable in their accuracy. You didn’t indicate the type of tumor or where it is located, but both of those play a role in how the final weeks may play out.

There is nothing wrong with a celebration of holidays on days other than they actually are intended (e.g., Thanksgiving next week and Christmas two weeks later). This may help your family process the actual holidays a bit easier as he will have been able to join in the celebrations that you had as a real participant.

Make sure the caregivers get the support they need and involve hospice to the extent your family is comfortable—these trained people can be a wellspring of support and information (and pain management). You can set an example for other family members by asking for the support you may need and indicating that they are welcome to do the same.

Take time for yourself (even five minutes here or there to read a book or do something that affirms your wellbeing). It appears that the thoughts of many are with you!!

Tell him thank you and how much you love him. Tell him all the silly things that have made you laugh over the years and let him know that there won’t be a day when he won’t be in your heart. Love him. Respect his wishes and understand that this is hard for everyone.

Also, as a cancer patient myself, I don’t always listen to those dates…the “you are going to die in…..” If I listen this time, I won’t make it till Christmas. Don’t discount the fact that it could happen, but don’t waste your time with him, grieving while he’s still with you. Take this time to talk to him. Really talk to him.

I’m so very sorry for this pain and I wish you and all of your family the peace in your hearts that you all deserve.

Don’t leave anything unsaid that you will wish you had said.

@cak, I will keep a special warm place for you, whatever happens.

@kayak8 you are spot on. Thank you so much! Do you have any suggestions for talking to my little sister? She is 17 and taking things very different. She never talks about it and tries to be away from
home as much as possible. Thanks….

My dad died suddenly & unexpectedly; I only wish we’d had even 8 days… Don’t get me wrong, we had a good relationship & there are no ‘if onlys’. I just would have wished for a bit of time,& I’m sure he’d have liked to be able to tie up loose ends, so to speak.

@ccrow thank you so much. I totally agree! This is a blessing that we even get to say goodbye!

@ccrow & @wickedbetty when my dad died, my brother took it the hardest. Their relationship was strained for years; they had matters that were never resolved. On the day of the funeral my brother was late. He was working on a long letter to our dad. When he came he put the letter in the casket. I am sure my brother wished that he could have talked to my dad before he died.

Don’t leave anything undone between the two of you.

@wickedbetty About your sister, I am not real sure what to tell you. I was about that same age and stayed away when I could because I didn’t know what to expect. I knew that uncomfortable feelings and situations lurked ahead and wasn’t sure I could handle them. As long as she has someone to talk to (and IS talking to him/her), I would probably just start a conversation along the lines of: “Boy this is tough and I know my own feelings are all over the place about Dad. I want his last months to be the best they can be and I also know that this is my chance to talk to him about anything I think I need so I can live with myself in the years to come. I am a little nervous because I don’t know what to expect. I have never lost my father before and I don’t quite know what that experience is going to be like . . .”

I am not sure that I would ask her how she is feeling, but would be more inclined to treat her as a trusted adult and share your potential concerns for her using “I statements” about your own feelings.

It is a tough situation and she will either hear you (now or remember it later) or she won’t. There is no predicting teenagers.

I would probably try to avoid pressuring her to be around her dad or having expectations for her behavior (this is a very unusual situation for all of you). I would just acknowledge that it is probably pretty stressful in ways that are peculiar to each of you.

The same thing happend with my dad, he only lasted about two months
It was like watching him die right infront of me and you cant do anything about it.
Im sorry this has happend to you and your father

@pam420 Welcome to fluther. Lurve

Well, it has been four weeks and just wanted to check in and see how you are doing, how your Dad is doing, and how your sister is doing . . .

i lost my father 2 years ago to lung cancer, he was 51 i was only 16, at the time i was much like your sister i tried to get out of the house and spend as much time with my girlfriend as possible, i think that was just my way of dealing with it. looking back on it now i wish i would have spent more time with him and told him how much i appreciated him and loved him before he passed.

I have a feeling since you have not answered it is intense right now. Sorry for that. My Dad died at 62 last November. I spoke with him on the phone the day he died, about nothing really important but I said I love you and will see you soon. I don’t know what it is like to know your dad will die, it is it’s own type of awful, but losing your dad suddenly is like stopping a movie in the middle and throwing it away. No good bye, no ANYTHING. If I could have a few more days with my dad I would sing with him, and would give anything to hug him deeply, see him smile, and even remember his smell. I would want to appreciate and listen to the tone of his voice when he says he loves me. Remember everything. The warmth and strength of his had squeezing yours, the caress you can give his face and head.

These are the things I would desperately want to do with my dad before he died, unfortunately the last time I saw my dad, he did not move, did not say anything, and was cold. I sang to him, I caressed his face, and head, I even smelled his scent. I spoke to him softly and wished with all my heart that I could have done that while he was with us.

@heidi44 Welcome to Fluther. Lurve.
And I wish I could give you Lurve another 10 times for that wonderful tribute to your dad.

I hate my dad, I wouldn’t say anything to him.