Is it selfish to keep an affair from your lover?

You need to clarify your question. I have read it 3 times, and still can’t make heads or tails out of it.
If it happened in the first month of the relationship, there is no reason to bring it up now.

Welcome to Fluther. Lurve.

I want to answer this question myself…

If I was the cheater in the relationship I can think of selfish and what I might want to claim “sacrificing” reasons to take it to the grave. Obviously being selfish I would not want to lose the love of my life and would rather suffer the guilt than give up my lovers trust. I could claim I was withstanding the burden of guilt so that he or she would not have to feel the pain I so selfishly caused. For me this would be partially true, but I think the more accurate decision would be to protect myself.

If I was the one being cheated on… I could also go either way. I personally would take my husband back if he made an honest one time mistake. So if he were to tell me he cheated on me I would be beyond hurt, but I know we would work it out. So if I was cheated on I would want to be ignorant of his mistake and life my ignorantly bliss.

Yes, first month… but the relationship was still a done deal. No official engagement but it was clearly monagomous.

soooo you asked question just so you can answer it….. is that right?

:)

Not quite. Thanks for playing though.

p.s. I saw it done in other threads… Thought I might follow that lead… pardon me if it was not the right way to go about posting a question, I’ll get it right next time.

No need to make trouble in a happy marriage. Why break something that works?

Welcome to Fluther @identity

It was funny reading you having a conversation with yourself. ;)

It’s fair to ask the question if you want to start a discussion and no problem with weighing in with your thoughts, although we often will do that in the details of a question.

As far as I go, I can also see it both ways – the need to unburden onself of the guilt versus why upset the partner and cause pain for oneself, and on the other hand should honesty prevail in a relationship? I don’t think one should burden one’s partner with every lustful fantasy or crush one has, but in this instance, it might have been good to come clean on this one earlier in the relationship. Now that the hypothetical person is married, meh.

Guy cheats on girlfriend the very first month he meets her, even after he knew she was “the one.” Several years have passed, and guy and girl are now married.

For some really bizarre reason, guy have this overwhelming need to unburden his guilt and be forgiven for what he did several years ago. The reason for doing this is not clear, but there are several reasons for doing so:
1. Guy is consumed with guilt and wants forgiveness.
2. Guy is consumed with need for total honesty and wants to be forthcoming.
3. Guy is seeking forgiveness as confirmation of wife’s love for him.
4. The person Guy cheated with has come back into their lives, and Guy fears person will tell wife about it.
5. Guy has an STD because of the encounter and needs to tell his wife.
6. Guy has found out that there is a Little Guy out there, and wants to the right thing.

Whatever the reason, even if the wife forgives him, she will never trust him again, and at some level, their happiness together will be forever marred.

Meeting someone and knowing they are “the one” is not a commitment. What happened before a commitment was decided on does not need to be discussed. For reasons 1–3, guy needs to suck it up and live with his guilt. 4, address it as it comes up. 5–6 should be told immediately because the cheating has direct impact on his wife’s life.

Sigh. Women are confusing.

It’s not that women are confusing. It’s that keeping secrets, behaving in a manner that requires that secrets be kept to avoid hurting people, and having secrets that result in major drama if they’re revealed results in, surprise surprise, a complicated life that’s full of drama, pain, and secrets.

So, most people believe thatthat for a good relationship, people must be honest with each other about important things. People should be allowed to make decisions with full, relevant information about the behavior of their partner.

So the question becomes whether this affair is relevant. What matters most is if the person who was cheated on thinks it is relevant. But here’s the problem. The cheatee can’t get to decide if the information is relevant unless he or she knows about the behavior.

The reason why people keep information from their lovers is that they don’t want to lose them. Yet, they are being selfish if they put their own hedonistic needs above the quality of the relationship. An unconfessed affair will always come between the couple. The problem is the person cheated on will not have any idea what is creating this distance between them, and may well assume that’s just the way it is.

In the end, I think the cheater has to take responsibility for their action. They will show more integrity of character if they confess and answer all their partner’s questions fully. It is only if they tell their partner what they did that the partner can make a meaningful assessment of the other person.

In my opinion, not only is it selfish for the cheater not to come clean, but it is stupid. The relationship will forever be a lie, even if their partner never knows what is missing. The relationship will never be what it could be if the partners were honest with each other; respectful of each other.

For some, they can’t imagine a relationship without important secrets. They don’t think others can be trusted, and so the relationship is a game to see who can get over on the other the most. That’s a cynical view of humanity, but it isn’t uncommon.

So, if you don’t mind incomplete relationships, keep it a secret. But if you want an opportunity to see how good a relationship can be, then you have to tell the truth.

If I was married to someone and found out that after all this time, they still didn’t tell me it’d be a lot worse for them in terms of my wrath than if they were to tell me sooner

If you have already answered your own question, no one else has to, even if you’re wrong.

Personally, especially in this case when the affair was at the beginning of what appears to be a solid relationship now, I think it would be selfish to tell your current lover. It is over and done with, never to be repeated, and would only cause harm to force the issue.

Do you tell your lover about every relationship you have ever had before them, or do you act like an adult and build a future?

don’t answer my own questions, noted for a second time

Thanks for all your answers thus far. The question isn’t hypothetical, I have been trying to be here for my sister and the advice I gave her was not to tell her husband. She just got married a few months ago and it was never an issue until after they got married. Well, as far as what she says. She just recently told me so I assume her guilt wasn’t enough to let the secret out but now she told me. They really have a strong relationship and she has never been one to be dishonest. The guy was her pathetic ex and she doesn’t talk to him any more. She did mention she was a little worried it may some day come out but I don’t see that happening.

I keep telling her she could go right either way, and she could go wrong either way. I think it is up to her which will work better. And knowing my sister, I think not telling him is better for everyone. Her husband is crazy about her and I know he would not divorce her over it. He would be hurt emmensely though and he already struggles with self esteem issues. I hate to see either of them get hurt because I love them both… So I just don’t know what the right answer is.

If the other person is an ex, and the result of the encounter is “Goodbye Ex, new person really is Mr. Wonderful. I won’t spare you another moment’s thought,” then the encounter really is the final closure of the previous relationship.

That’s different than sleeping with someone new or random. It comes under the heading of “finishing unfinished business.” It’s not the same as finishing unfinished business after you’re committed to someone else.

I’d ask what the benefits to either person of the disclosure could be, and if any good could come of it. Is there any reason the cheated-on partner needs to know?

It happened a while ago, and is not still ongoing. There’s no threat that the old flame could come back. This is not likely to turn into a pattern of behavior.

If you refrain from sharing information that has no foreseeable benefit for you or your partner, information that has no reasonable bearing on the current status of the relationship or the future of the relationship, when sharing that information will cause pain and drama, is it that really a selfish act, or just a sensible one?

@cwilbur How can you know if the other person would consider the information to be beneficial or not? If you withhold it, you are making that decision on behalf of the other person, and you are being nothing other than selfish. Only it’s worse. You are being smugly selfish, convincing yourself that a selfish deed is for the good of your partner.

You have no idea what will happen in the future. Maybe you will do this again. Maybe if you had told the person, they would be forewarned and forearmed. Maybe you’d be able to work through the issue together. You have no idea what will happen.

But to make decisions on behalf or another person is the height of arrogance, in my mind. I don’t care how you justify it. Pain is not always bad. It can cause a great deal of learning. Should they even be together if they can’t work through this together? It seems to me that the relationship is built on false grounds unless the truth comes out.

I could be wrong, of course. I might not have the strength to tell my spouse in a situation like that. My situation was different. We were many years along in a relationship. But I didn’t have to confess. She had no idea what I was doing. However, if I hadn’t, then I don’t think we could have healed our relationship. We probably would be separated by now, if not divorced.

The stakes are high. However, it is extremely painful to have a relationship built on deception. I think it will always get you in the end, even if it is just you beating yourself up about it. You have no chance for forgiveness, either from yourself or from your partner, if you can’t talk about it. That’s a heavy burden to live with. The relationship may not survive such a confession, but it’s better to know that now rather than later, when stakes will be much, much higher.

I agree with @PandoraBoxx – since it was an ex, it sounds as if it was the period at the end of the previous relationship’s paragraph. In other words, it was the end of that relationship, and was clearing the way for the new relationship, the serious one that has now progressed to marriage.

Maybe your sister needs to talk to a therapist about feeling guilty about things that should have been dropped long ago. I would consider her “affair” or “one night stand” simply an extension of her dealings with her ex. Does she feel a need to tell her husband about everything she did with her ex? He knows she used to be with the ex, but does he really need the details?

@daloon: You can make an educated guess based on what the other person knows.

Nobody can see perfectly into the future. But most functioning adults understand cause and effect, and are empathetic enough to understand how people they are involved with are likely to react to certain revelations.

“You know what? Several years ago, when we were first getting together, I hooked up with my ex.” What possible good can that do that balances the damage it will do?

So, if you can apply that logic to a past affair, why can’t you apply it to a current affair? If you can carry on an affair without your spouse noticing any change in behavior, then what is the point of telling him or her? Even if you do have problems in your relationship, you can still go to counseling and work them out without revealing the infidelity.

I’ve had therapists go both ways on this. One said there is no point in revealing the affair. Just work on the relationship. Another said that you can’t heal a relationships without being honest. A third said you don’t reveal what can only hurt someone and not do anything good.

I kind of like the honesty idea, morality wise. However, I like the keeping secrets idea if you want to eat your cake. Also, if you aren’t hurting a person, why should you gratuitously hurt them? So here’s the thing—how can you know, for sure, whether a piece of information would or would not hurt someone if you don’t ask them?

l learned that I am not very good at mindreading when it comes to my spouse. I was wrong about how she felt about me (I thought she didn’t really love me); I was wrong about what would hurt her (an internet relationship bothered her more than an actual in person meeting with someone); and I was wrong about how seriously she took my wishes ( I was afraid to tell her what I wanted, because I was sure she would say no).

I’m pretty educated, I think. I thought I could predict my wife better than she could predict herself. I was pretty far off. I think we assume we know each others personalities and decision-making processes so well when we’ve been married for umpteen or more years. I’m not so sure. I can’t generalize from my experience, but it makes me wonder if things are as we think they are.

“Things as they are are changed upon the blue guitar.” —Wallace Stevens

@daloon: Because a current affair is a sign that things are wrong with the current relationship, and because a current affair does damage by its very existence. And that damage is done whether your partner knows or not.

Uhm, hiding it and trying to bear the guilt will blow up in one’s face eventually. It will consume the person and the relationship if the cheater has any heart at all. I know from personal experience not the cheater , and I have to say, it gets ugly. Not my reaction, the years before she told me were nasty and I didn’t know why. It gets better, but it’s never the same, not even close.