How do I erase my masturbation-discovery nightmare?
Asked by
ruanua (
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September 30th, 2009
When I was younger I was discovered masturbating by some friends who laughed at me and ridiculed me afterwards. It’s almost twenty years later but I still have shameful nightmares where I remember this scene and wake up crying and with a painful feeling that I was stupid not to protect my privacy better and that it was shameful to be seen doing what I was doing. In my dreams I sometimes get revenge by changing what actually happened so that after they find me I beat them up. I also feel guilty that I did not confront them physically at the time. I don’t know how to be free of this memory. Probably I never will.
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11 Answers
I would suggest therapy. Really, though, you know they were doing it, too—they just didn’t get caught. Not by you, at least.
Just try to keep in mind that while they made fun of you for it at the time, they did it, too. Know that they were hypocrites, young and just pretty stupid. It’s natural and most people do it.
Edit: Yes, get therapy no matter what. You’ll fell a lot better in the long run.
It sounds similar to stories I’ve heard about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Therapy can help with PTSD. One method involves gradually desensitizing people to the events that traumatized them by exposing them to it under controlled circumstances. This is done over and over until the person can think about it without the fear reaction any more.
Maybe there are other mechanisms, too. I would talk to a therapist about this. Get an expert’s advice, ok?
Something on your mind today, @ruanua? Lots of questions, one subject.
@laureth All three of my questions for today are on the topic of masturbation because I woke up this morning with the nightmare I described above and I wanted to receive some feedback and support from this community as there are many diverse opinions here and, I find, a wide range of wisdom from many different walks of life. I would like to find an answer to why this dream has been such a powerful force in my psyche for such a long time. Perhaps you feel that my questions are inappropriate or that I am discussing this topic too much? I realize you are a more experienced member of this community and I have only been here a short time so if I have made you feel uncomfortable with my questions, I will refrain from discussing this topic any further in the future and I hope you will accept my apology if you feel I have crossed an unspoken boundary.
I was caught by my mother, when I was a 13 year old girl. Ugh, it was awful. I don’t have nightmares about it, but it still pops up in my mind almost 30 years later. Many people have a similar story, but it usually doesn’t cause them problems later in life. Since this is causing you actual distress, I’d think about therapy.
@ruanua – not to worry. :) I was not censoring you in any way, nor do I feel your questions are inappropriate. Please, converse about them all you like, and I’ll be here for the ride (as it were). I am just amused whenever a relatively new-ish person comes along and asks a few questions about the same topic, especially if the topic is a little prurient.
For what it’s worth, I was also caught by my Mom at a young age. The polite thing to do would have been to answer any questions I had, remind me to keep it private, and let the subject die. But no, no, she brought it up every now and then for years after. Mortifying!
@ruanua Something that is bothering you and is one your mind a lot is very appropriate to bring up with Fluther. It sounds like something that has really affected your life. I haven’t had that experience but other events that have caused a great deal of shame to me as an young adult and adult and a good therapist helped me a great deal. Good luck and keep talking to us.
@laureth Not very sensitive of your Mom. How awful.
Lame! Does masturbation still hold a shameful place in your life? Would you still be as put out if the whole situation happened again? If it’s really bothering you, then yeah, therapy isn’t a bad idea, but I like to offer creative solutions too! If you have a partner, masturbating together, (or over the phone), can be a fun experience, and will help you become more comfortable with the idea that it’s not unusual or shameful or wrong to masturbate, and in fact, nearly everyone does it, and far more than they’ll admit, and to far freakier thoughts/images than they’ll admit.
If that’s not your thing, just attempting to nonchalantly talk about it a little more openly with your friends will help put things in perspective. I don’t claim to know how your brain works, but it seems that you still under the impression that masturbation is in some way wrong, or something that must be hidden at all costs.
But, of course, therapy is probably a good idea too, if it’s such a big deal that you can’t will yourself past it.
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