My 14 year old daughter is coming to live with me. What can I do to prepare?

Try some family therapy where the kids get to sound off to a neutral and trained listener.

And maybe have a few sessions of one-on-one therapy before your daughter arrives. There will be many land mines.

Good luck.

Loving open arms. When I went back to my father after wanting to leave my mother because of her abusive (to me, I don’t know about her) husband when I was around 9 that’s what I wanted. It didn’t happen that way, but that’s what I was expecting.

Be aware that things will be difficult for a while.

I assume your husband is supportive. He needs to step back and let you bond with your daughter again.

Openly show her your love. If you kept any copies of the letters, give them to her. Tell her how often you thought of her and her brother.

Recognize that while in your mental image she has remained 8, her life has moved on. Almost half of it has been lived without you. Do not revenge badmouth your ex. Talk to other parents of 14-year-olds.

Even though you need to express your love, your daughter also needs to have the normal rules and boundaries of home.

I agree with @gailcalled that family therapy could be very helpful in transitioning.

Good luck. This is your child. Show her albums with pictures of extended family. Talk about how she is like one of your parents or siblings if she is. Give her a sense of connection.

Nervous, understandable; but, it must be very exciting also. 14 frequently means being frustrated with life, school, parents, etc., so I am sure there will be some challenges, but remember she CHOSE to come live with you, so I think that is a good sign. No matter what she has been told, even if it is true, this is your opportunity to forge a new relationship with her.

My advice is to start off on the right foot of having the time to listen to her and show interest in her life. As a child I loved hearing stories from my parents and relatives of when I was little, so sharing memories or stories she may never have heard before might help forge a bond. Since she is leaving a situation she is unhappy in, we can’t be sure of her attitude off the bat. You don’t know if something significant happened at home or school, or if it is typical 14 year old angst.

I would be optimistic about your new husband, because she is willing to live with you, so I doubt she is going to “hate” him for the sake of hating him. I believe she will give him a fair chance.

I feel very hopeful for you. :)

She’ll want to have friends over, and that whole reciprocation thing of “lets hang out at YOUR house next time” is really important (or was when I was growing up) to kids, so the house should definitely be in a state of able-to-entertain.

Though any weirdness of entertaining-situation is probably fine (14-year-olds think EVERYTHING is weird anyway).

I’d bet she’s pretty nervous about all of the same things your nervous about and more as more 14yr old girls tend to have many insecurities

I just wanted to reiterate what others have said—Therapy.

And to wish you and your soon-to-be blended family positive thoughts!

I think you’ll figure it out just fine. She just missed you.

You should keep two things in mind though:

1) maybe she’s coming more to get away from where she is and not so much for you
2) it’s a tough age. The toughest actually. Raising a 14-year-old is challenging even in the best of cases, when the parents are still married and love each other and co-operate perfectly. It will be a hundred times worse if you have to go this alone and after a divorce and of course after being apart for so long.

But love can overcome everything. Seriously.

this is in whisper but I don’t know how to do it : now I’m really scared

you’ll figure it all out, don’t worry :)
she is your blood, and there is an unbreakable bond there which you shouldn’t ignore.

yes, it’s going to be a rough ride, but you’ll do fine :)

One huge rule of parenting that we all tend to ignore at times is listen more than you talk. Especially with a teenager. You want to be there for her but not overwhelm her. She may need to vent about her life before and need space to get used to the new one. It is a tricky position because you probably don’t want to run down her Dad to her, but you want to support her feelings. Realize things will be strange – she’s probably nervous too – and developing a relationship will take time. Therapy is a great idea, but if she doesn’t want it, I wouldn’t push it on her. Kids will often process it as “they’re saying there’s something wrong with me.” I think going on your own is a great idea; if you can find a good one, she/he can really help sort out what’s just fourteen from what are specific issues to your situation.

It’s nervous making and it’s also exciting. Feel free to use Fluther as a resource too; many of us are parents here.

At 14 she is sophisticated enough to know what she wants, and what coming to be with you will mean.

My suggestion is that you keep her informed as openly as you can about your feelings and your fears. These are not weaknesses, they are easily-interpreted signs of love and concern.

Tell her you will do your best to make sure that she has a good life with you, but remind her that the two of you will have a lot to negotiatee, and you, as the parent, will have the last word.

The best outcomes come from authoritative parenting, not permissive parenting, and not authoritarian parenting. Set boundaries, make reasonable rules, and enforce them fairly across the board with good humor and understanding and a tolerance for the occasional lapse.

Don’t hover.

All the above is good advice… I just want to clarify that she is not just moving in with you, but is also moving from another country where she has been attending private school?

In addition to the awkwardness of being strangers with you and your husband, there may also be some culture-shock issues at a socially vulnearble age for most teens. Help her prepare for the adjustment to a new school, and whatever differences there might be with the kids in her new school from where she was before.

She has probably created some degree of escapist fantasy about this change, as disenchanted teenage girls will do, and she may well have no clue what to expect. Be straight forward with her… tell her that you’re nervous about getting to know one another and getting comfortable as a family (~don’t let her see that you’re scared, though, they can smell fear~).

Do express that although you acknowledge that she is no longer a little girl, she is still a minor and you are accountable for her (my son got tired of hearing, “Mommy is not my name, it’s my job title”), and therefore there will be rules and expectations. Make sure she knows which ones are set in stone (e.g., no drinking, or smoking, etc.) but that as long as she can present her side clamly and respectfully, you will be willing to listen to any suggestions she has for modifying some rules.

Also be clear on what your rules will be regarding her spending money and expenses… teenage girls tend to enjoy shopping, so if she must do chores and/or maintain a certain GPA in order to get an allowance, make those terms clear. If she can get working papers at 14 where you live (that’s the youngest here in NJ), discuss the reasons why you want or don’t want her to get a job outside the home.

Make sure to let her know that you adore her, and are looking forward to developing a close relationship, but that you must have those rules for her protection because you love her. She might try to manipulate you and your husband, or even work you against each other. She might even do the same with your ex and even with her brother… I am not saying that all 14-year-old girls are evil; but they are hormonal, and this child has been exposed to some level of manipulations since you say that the kids have been lied to about you.

At the same time, recognize that on a level that she may not admit to herself, she is afraid, too. Ask open-ended questions, and offer to be totally honest with her about the past and what your side of the story is, but let her ask the questions because you don’t want to overwhelm her.

Your situation is highly complex, and teenaged girls are the most complex creatures on the planet… I wish you the best of luck!

a parents love cures everything. it’ll be strange for a while, but if you genuinely care about her it’ll get better, she’s old enough to realize it when you show it. When she first comes, sit down with her over a nice dinner, and try to keep it nice and casual, uptight settings make teenagers a lot more nervous than some adults think, and discuss together how things are going to be now that she’s staying with you. Try not to sound like the soup nazi about it, make sure you let her say what she thinks about everything, understand what she’s trying to tell you, and genuinely consider what she thinks.

all in all, just show her you care, that’s all a teenager really wants.

A parent’s love cures many things, but reintroducing a 14-year old to your household with a new step-dad, a new country and a history of contentiousness and lies on her biological father’s part will complicate the reunion.

You can’t have one gigantic, weighted discussion (or lecture) and think that everything will be peaches and cream. Getting through adolescent with a child raised in a happy and stable household is dicey enough…it’s an ongoing process and ends only when all parties are dead.

dead? I have to die?

thank you everybody for the careful and thoughful answers. It really helps!——and now I have to go throw up I’m so worried—

Encourage people to be who they are and everything will be alright.

@trailsillustrated Don’t throw up, just take a deep breath. Remember parenting is one job you get to keep working on. If you make a mistake, admit it to your daughter and revise your actions. I’ve found my relationship with my sons works best the more straight I am with them and kids can forgive a lot if you are loving and own up to your own stuff.

It’s certainly more than appropriate to be worried, but you sound like a thoughtful person, and I’m sure you will do just fine (meaning, you will make mistakes every day, just like the rest of us.)

just talk to her and see how she feels and just trust her and tell her to be honest with you i know that i would want my mom to trust me and everything because i am about to be 14 and i know how she would probably feel
i know i would do anything to tell my mom everything and be honest with her because that is how i would want to be treated in return
so just be like her bestfriend and trust her and i think that you will be a great parent
[: