How do you react to stereotypical/negative/sexist remarks/actions in your direction when they are seemingly positive in the offender's mind?

Personally that type of thing doesn’t bother me. I have too many other things to worry about than comments like that. If the person made it sound like a back handed compliment deliberately (in order to be bitchy or piss me off) then I might be a bit arsy with them but even then I wouldn’t get my blood pressure up about it. I’d walk away and make a mental note not to bother with that person again. If someone says something innocently that other people may find offensive then I usually laugh it off and say something like “you may want to rethink how you say that next time” I’ve done that on a few occassions but only if I think that, if they said it to someone else, it may be taken as an offence.

I get a lot of people say to me “you’re quite strong for a girl” when they see me lifting bags of horse food or something. I don’t find that offensive at all and I just say something like “yeah that’s just one of my many party tricks” and then get on with my day!

I normally react in a non-verbal way that makes them think, “Oh shit, what did I say?” They usually get the message.

Some of them are funny, some of them can be in fact completely wrong or offensive, but you know what? I’ve made such mistakes a lot too, and so I give the guy a break…after all, he didn’t mean to be rude.

There are still a lot of stereotypes out there that have to be fought, but we’re all responsible for them, and as a matter of fact we’ve done huge steps in the last few decades to be more considerate in these cases.

Reminds me of the old Amin Dada joke: “who said we hate white people? We love white people! They’re delicious!” (allows for several readings of course)

@Jack79 so by ‘giving a guy a break’, do you mean not saying anything?

It might be helpful to develop a series of quasi-humorous or light responses that get the point across like saying, “I’m strong for a man, too” when told you are strong for a woman or “Just call me Natasha; I’m sure Boris is around here too” (or something cleverer) when they say something about Russia. I don’t think people are thinking when they say these things and if you can find a way to point it out without making a big deal of it, that is the best way to handle it. However, if someone says something like “they jewed me down” in my presence, I will stare at them and say “What?’ Only you can determine how offensive the remark is, but if it is intended as a compliment, I would try the lighter approach.

@janbb I’m strong for a man too – i like that

@simone cool.

I thank them for the compliment but explain that their phrasing could be considered offensive and suggest how they might word it better.

My girlfriend and I can get mighty sick of all the well-meaning misapprehensions we encounter. But, we try to remain polite. (Well, she does. I am a rude person.)

Whats wrong with saying you love Russians?

The too strong for a woman thing, and stuff like that… _
If i know them well enough like in my close family I just shout at them, if I don’t know them, I just privately seethe inside. Fools… =)

You get over it. Unless you are looking for a fight.

@uberbatman the same thing that’s wrong when someone says “I love Black people!”

@Facade again, why? Its nothing negative at all, your saying you love a group of people. Whats the issue?

@uberbatman It takes away individuality and implies that everyone in that group is exactly the same, or at least similar enough that it doesn’t matter which one you’re talking to/about.

If I’m in a certain mood I definitely tell the person I thought their comment was offensive and I tell them why.

Other times I just ignore it. It’s usually not worth the effort.

Russian broads sure are swell. I prefer Ukrainians though – smarter.~

I always say something, but it’s never rude. “Mm. I’m strong for a woman, huh? I see.” My comments have just enough sarcasm that it gets people to stop and think about what they said and why it might be offensive. Or if people tell me I’m not very ladylike, I say, “That’s good, because I don’t believe in stereotypes.”

I love stereotypes. They make me laugh because most of them are so ridiculous. But you also know that someone out there is EXACTLY like that. e.g., my great aunt, who is the textbook definition of a Jewish grandmother/mother So I rarely ever get offended with these kind of compliments. They usually make my day.

As Jerry Seinfeld said “Is it racist if you like that race?”

‘Oh! God damn, I love Russians’ or “Yay, I love Russian women like you” (when meeting me for the first time) or…‘oh queer people are great, I love you guys’
How are any of these negative in any way, shape or form? I understand the last one you posted, being strong “for a woman”, but these three? I’m missing something.

Anyhow, being a Polish/Irish white heterosexual male with no outward signs of my atheism, I don’t encounter these situations.
Which is a shame, because they sound fun.

@Sarcasm They’re negative because they group an entire people together, as someone else pointed out above, implying that no one is individualistic. “Oh! God damn, I love Russians”. Really? Because all Russians are lovable? Because all Russians can be assumed to be the same just because they are Russian? That’s why it’s negative.

Maybe you could just say a cool, rather chilly, “Thank you” and turn away. 85% of our communication is nonverbal (supposedly) so you can smack them upside the head hard with that! Another thing, if they say “Oh, queer people are great, I Iove you guys,” perhaps you could give a dismissive, “Well, that’s interesting.” I mean, I’m trying to imagine some one saying to me, “Oh,I love straight women! You guys are so cool!” I guess I’d just look at them like they were nuts. Maybe say, “What?” I guess, above all, just dismiss them.
I love queers, BTW. You guys are just SO COOL! Oh crap. I think I just got dismissed.

@DrasticDreamer But it’s not saying anything about Russians. It’s not like “Oh I love how much you guys drink!” or anything. It’s merely that the person doesn’t hate people from Russia. Same with the statement about “queer” people. It’s not like “Oh, you’re all such good fashion designers and hairstylers!”

@Sarcasm Part of the problem with stereotypes is that the ones which aren’t perceived to be negative, still are. A negative stereotype groups people together as much as a positive one. The harm, in this case, comes from assuming that a group of people are all exactly the same – that simply because they’re Russian, they are lovable. Even if it’s meant as a compliment, it’s still extremely silly and misinformed to say.

@DrasticDreamer I see what you are saying but this reminds me of the reason I love visiting certain countries. My favourite places to visit are Greece and Italy. Why? There are a number of reasons why but the main two reasons are the culture and the people of these two countries. So, when I say I love visiting Italy because of the people I’m not stereotyping I’m just saying that I have met more good, friendly, decent Italians than I have bad ones. From a nations point of view this is a good thing, the fact that someone wants to visit their country because they have always been made welcome by the people of that country. I’m not dismissing the fact that everyone is unique regardless of where they come from just by saying “I love Italians/Greeks” I am aknowledging that the majority of those I have met are people that I like. I would never say that I love someone because they are Italian but I will say that, as a whole, I love the Italians.

@Leanne1986 and @Sarcasm I definitely understand what both of you are saying, there’s no confusion. I’m just saying that even when people mean something positive, it isn’t necessarily positive. It’s kind of like someone going up to someone else and saying, “I love you because you’re a man/woman.” It definitely won’t be negative to someone who thinks that their sex defines who they are, but for someone who sees themselves as more complex than their sex, it’s just not a compliment.

I’m not saying that either of you, or anyone else who says “I love Italians” or anything similar, are bad people intent on causing harm. Not at all. :) I’m just pointing out that it can.

@DrasticDreamer Do you think that a person who says something like, “I think it’s so cool that you’re queer,” could be actually sending several messages? Such as, “I am cool. See how cool I am?” or “You don’t scare me,” or “You make me uncomfortable but I’m going to pretend like you don’t.” I think that when you say something like, “I love American’s,” or “I love Italians,” you’re referring to an entire culture, and a national way of thinking and a national attitude, and I don’t think that concept can be applied to people because of their sexual orientation. Thoughts?

@Val123 I believe it’s definitely possible for their to be many meanings behind a single statement. But when you say, “I love Americans” (or whatever) and you’re referring to a national way of thinking, it still doesn’t make sense when you get to the bottom of it. Sure, there are many ways in which entire nations of people think along similar lines, but when you get right down to it, there are also many things that people won’t agree upon. So, that being said, “I love Americans” (etc.) can be viewed the same as saying “I love men/women”. No one is the same, no matter their sex, race, age, nationality, etc. Statements like that are just too broad to encompass what makes people who they are.

Being Native American this happens to us all the time. Native people are so romanticized. It becomes frustrating.
Sometimes we ignore it. I mean for sanity’s sake this is what all of us has to do at times.
Other times we play with (which may be considered mean and against the cause but it is a form of humor against oppression). One example would be when we would have bake sales for the Native Student Union. People would come up to us and say odd things all the time. So sometimes we would just play with it and tell them that in fact our cookies were blessed by a Native ritual. The sad thing is that they would often believe and buy the dang cookies.
More frequently we do get into some kind of debate about social theory or cultural studies. Their eyes do gloss over and generally they get really pissed off. Just the other day someone came up to my husband at work and told him this great Native joke that he could say because he is “part indian”. My husband told him ‘please don’t tell me that stuff anymore’. Just as general as that and the guy won’t even look at him now, not out of embarrassment but out of contempt.
There are always the sarcastic remarks to. Like if someone says “I love Native Americans”. We could respond by saying, ‘oh ya, from what tribe?’.

@RedPowerLady Blessed by a Native Ritual? ROFL!! Could you, um, tell me what that blessing is so I can bless my meatloaf? Nobody ever wants to eat it!

@DrasticDreamer Agreed. However, I have had European people make blanket statements to me, like, “I love you Americans! You’re always so honest about things, even things that embarrass you!” or “You guys always seem to be having so much fun!!” And since it was in the plural, I couldn’t have been the only one they were referring to. Sure, that doesn’t apply to ALL Americans, but generally speaking I think we have a strong ability to laugh at ourselves, just laugh in general. But what kind of blanket statement could you say about queer people? “I love you queers! You’re all so…...queer…and gay….and you make good cookies and….stuff!” ;) That’s why I think there is a lot more going on in statements in situations like that, than there are in “I love you Americans!” or “Boy, them Italians really know how to kiss!” With that in mind, it would bug the crap out of me too.

@MacBean i suppose i can see that point. But at the same time, you cant deny that each group has their own culture, accents, and generally looks. I find Russian accents extremely hot, so why is it a bad thing to say that?

@uberbatman: It’s not. “I love Russian accents” is acceptable. “I love Russian culture” is acceptable. But not everyone who is Russian has the accent or follows the culture. And I’m sure there are people who live under circumstances where they do have the accent and/or follow the culture but are not native Russians and may not even have ancestors who were. So when you say “I love Russians!” you’re lumping everyone together and ignoring those individual circumstances that make them who they are.

I mean, I love all the various NY accents, but… dude, there are a lot of NYers that I don’t love. A lot of us are douchebags. :D

Should we ban I <3 NY tee-shirts too? I think you’re being overly politically correct. Sure, you’re lumping everyone together in a statement of love. We really do need to put an end to these racial love crimes.

@uberbatman Love is great but sometimes it is overly stereotypical. Romanticizing a culture, for example, can be just as culturally damaging as other forms of stereotyping. Although most of us agree that we would prefer romanticized stereotypes over hateful ones, it still doesn’t make stereotyping in general okay.

I’m Mexican. Someone once told me I love your language. Well, I don’t speak Spanish. It’s not negative per se, but it is assumptive. Not all Mexicans speak Spanish. Why group me in with people who I might not have anything in common with?

Proposed answer: “Really… how interesting. So, what do you think about (random totally unrelated subject)?”

Very fascinating debate. I get the impression that some people say these things because they are trying to find something in common with someone that they feel they have little in common with; in sense.

Trying to express to someone that they are aware that the person may have been discriminated against in a negative way and are trying to get across that they actually don’t want to negatively discriminate against them so they throw out one of these “compliments”. It happens most often when the person has had little experience with the other “type of person” (foreign people to people who have never really met foreigners, gay people to sheltered straight people, woman to men who have little experience with the opposite sex…etc etc) and are trying to find common ground with the little information they have picked up from society… even if it is wrong.

I’m not saying it’s ok to do, but I try to put myself in someone else’s perspective and realise not everyone has had the experiences I have had to shape their views.

As for bringing it to their attention? I think it needs to happen but maybe delicately otherwise you risk causing a new negative stereotype. Sad but true. The majority of people (oooo maybe I’m stereotyping) tend to base their opinions on their life experiences not always on impartial logic.

I don’t like these generalizations because them lump me in with a whole group of people with whom I may have some common traits or interests but probably a lot more differences.

The one that annoys me most is men who say “I love women.” To me that means “I love pussy” which really has not very much to do with the human being attached to it. I want to be liked because I am strong, or independent or funny or smart or anything that is the me that I have grown to be, not an anatomical part of me.

How could anyone possibly love all women or Russians, or whomever, it is ridiculous.

But in the overall scheme of things, a relatively minor annoyance, so I guess, for the sake of my own tranquility, the best bet is to give them a puzzled look and exit gracefully.

I don’t react. That would require me to care what other people think.

I don’t see how you could think that saying “I love russians” means “I love every single russian that exists”.
If I say “I love computer games” that doesn’t mean I think every game produced ever is awesome. It means, “In general, computer games are pretty great”

I don’t love pizza that has anchovies, or pineapple. That doesn’t mean “I love pizza” is false. It means that “I love EVERY pizza” is false.

@Sarcasm . . .well put

@Sarcasm – good answer.

frankly, i hate it when people say they like me or the group(s) i belong to. they’re obviously being superficial.

for example, if someone said they liked Fluther, i’d assume they were making generalizations about Fluther and flutherites. They don’t know me…they don’t know my life.

~

@Sarcasm thank you. Thats exactly what i was trying to get at, but couldnt think of the right way to say it.

So people’s lives are like video games and pizza? Video games and pizza do not have history, or experiences of discrimination and maybe more based on belonging to a certain group of people, or emotions.

Correct, Tiny! You’re so smart! Video games and pizza aren’t exactly like human lives! Here’s a gold star! You’re a top student!
But remember, like video games and pizza, humans have qualities! And like video games and pizza, humans have variety!

Instead of comparisons, since you can’t really understand them, how about I try this?
You don’t have to love every single quality about a thing or a group of things in order to say you love (or like, or enjoy, or appreciate) them. It means you appreciate the majority of it.

I agree with @tinyfaery Video games and pizza are completely different than human beings for the reasons tinyfaery suggested and more. I think the comparison is absurd. No matter the reason for the generalization, no matter how much of it is generalization (you like everything about the group or not) it is still a generalization and should be avoided for reasons stated all throughout this post.

@Sarcasm they’re negative, to me, because my being Russian has very little in actuality to do with my identity – and if you JUST met me, how they hell would you know that? you don’t so don’t be a simple minded ass and talk out of yours (not you specifically but you know what I mean)

I dont get it really. Like i dont identify with italians at all, but if someone said they loved italians i could at least appreciate what they were saying. I mean i do look like a fucking italian after all. curse like one too :P I think you guys are taking this all way too seriously. Chill out…. life is so much easier when you dont let the little things bother you.

Bottom line: Some people don’t mind being lumped together by stereotypes and some people do. People who are bothered by it should politely point it out, without jumping down anyone’s throat. And people who do the lumping should respect it when they’re corrected.

I love Flutherites.

@petethepothead i’m offended.

@petethepothead – do you have them all in your fluther???

there is a size limit. :P

I didn’t know that.

yea, mine is full cause i tried adding too many people

i <3 Flutherites too :P

I’m at the point where if I want to add someone new to my fluther I have to find someone who is no longer active on the site and remove them first. And it’s getting harder and harder.

exactly pete.like hmmmmmm ok they havent been here since august, guess i can get them off.

@petethepothead – thanks Pete, I feel so lurved and right back atcha!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir well what I mean is for starters not getting mad in the first place. And yes, depending on the person, I might not bother explaining if they’re too thick to understand, or try and explain politely. But keeping in mind that they didn’t mean to offend.

ie what can I tell my aunt who says “we bought a house in a nice neigbourhood, not one of those where all the black people live”? Where do you start explaining? In her mind, all she really meant was “we bought a nice house”. Of course when my daughter’s best friend and his sister (who are black) showed up at my niece’s bday party and she tried to tell them off thinking they were not invited, I had a huge row with her. Luckily the kids didn’t really figure out what was going on, which could have been quite hurtful for them. So it depends on the situation.

@uberbatman I get that response a lot ‘don’t let the little things bother you’ but when the little things, over the course of the day, accumulate into a fucking non-moving elephant, that’s a lot harder to deal with

Most have just been run of the mill, ignorant statements. I’ve been called everything on the Chinese food menu, for fucks sake.

@Grisaille is that so, mr. pork spare ribs?~

Me raff rong time.

@Grisaille . . .Asians talk like Scooby Doo?

@Blondesjon only after they eat him.

@eponymoushipster . . .He’s a Great Dane for Christ’s sake! How in heaven’s name do they hold his regs apart?

Such comments are so patronizing. You have a choice about whether you think it’s your job to educate the ignorant or not. If you do, you could always say, “I’m sure you mean well, but I felt patronized when you made that comment. I felt like you were surprised that people of my (race, ethnicity, disability, whatever) could be good at (whatever it is), and that hurt me. I feel like I am perfectly capable of (whatever), and I want to be judged based on the quality of my work without any consideration of things that you believe might be a handicap.”

I think you can tell your truth in a polite way, without blaming people. It’s just ignorance, and you aren’t giving them a general rule. You’re just speaking for yourself.

Well, that’s what came to mind. I don’t know if it’s realistic. The thing is that I think, with a little practice, we can all learn to tell our truths in a kind way that is respectful of others.

@Blondesjon rips and chrains?

Great debate, everyone. I have a slightly different example for you. In college my Jewish friends and I would get together for the holiday dinners we couldn’t make it home for. They were mostly an excuse to have another dinner party. One Passover, someone invited our friend Rob. All was good, my friends cooked a delicious vegetarian meal, and we started talking about whether it could qualify as a real seder, given the liberties we took with the foods and the non-prayerful structure of the night. Rob looked around and started laughing a little uncomfortably, saying “Oh, was I invited because you guys think I’m Jewish?”

Whoops. We all felt so stupid. I don’t think Rob felt very bad – he said he knows he looks Jewish and has a last name that could go either way. And we’re all good friends. But still…most awkward seder ever. Till we got past the fourth cup of wine, that is. I don’t doubt that all involved parties remember this lesson to not make assumptions about ethnicity based on appearance.

I was at a persons home in a room with several women when another woman came in. I was the only man in the room and she quipped “are you here to keep all these women in line” She meant is as some kind of complement about my “masculinity” i“m sure but I wanted to fucking scream. The idea that men are to “keep women in line” made me sick to my stomach strait off and I mean why bring my sex up at all? Why can’t I just be in the god damn house doing what ever we were doing and not have someone throw up that I have a funny shaped chromosome?

I roll my eyes…