Would you ever be the girlfriend/boyfriend of a married person?

Got the t-shirt.

I’m married to my girlfriend.

There have been times when I imagined that I could do this. I knew that these things were signs of something wrong in my marriage. I thought that if I had an affair with a married woman, at least we wouldn’t be tempted (as much) to leave our families, for we would both have the same amount to lose.

If I were single, would I think about the others affected by my attachment to a married person? Many women I met when I was looking were acutely aware of that, and felt a loyalty to women they didn’t know. They didn’t want to cause any marriage to break up. I think I would never get involved in this kind of thing, if I were single. Unless I was sick again.

I see these things as signs that something is very wrong in a relationship. I think those things should be worked on first, to give the marriage a chance. It is pretty dishonorable, I think, to come between folks—all the folks—in a family relationship, no matter how bad it is.

This guy may have proposed to her, but is he still married? How ridiculous is that? But they must be unbelievably campy if they are willing to show their personal problems to an audience of millions. The chance at fame makes people crazy, I think, and it takes craziness to get you to a point where you can do such foolish and hurtful things. I guess I’ve been that kind of fool, and I don’t want to be again. Maybe that’s why I talk about it. I need to keep reminding myself of how to be a good person.

Well, Facade, I’m glad this is a theoretical question, and not something you have to personally deal with. It’s just nuts. I hope people can see that.

@kevbo what color is it?

@daloon Oh yes, very theoretical. I appreciate your insight :)

Personally I would never knowingly have a relationship of that sort with someone married to someone else. I know of some folks who don’t think that way, but then most of them have been divorced at least once.

Never say never. Would of, could have, might be… these predictions are impossible without walking a mile in someone’s shoes. I thus say categorically, I do not know for sure, much as I think I would not.

No, never. It is wrong to interfere in a relationship that is in trouble, and if one of a married couple is seeking sex outside the marriage in secret, then something is wrong.

@dannyc I don’t see why one cannot say never in this situation. If you avoid it, then… Never.

We all have the choice to refuse to act on feelings we know are wrong. Thus I can say never because adultery is something I consider to be wrong and thus would always choose not to commit.

No, why would you put yourself through that? It’s a lose, lose situation. If he divorced his wife for you, who would he be cheating on while being with you?

@chyna Good point.

Experience has shown me that this is always a bad idea.

Experience has also shown me that even knowing ahead of time that something is a bad idea is no guarantee that I won’t do it anyway.

Not for me but I wouldn’t discount that some married people have open marriages and if it’s three consenting adults, that’s their business.

I was, very briefly, when I was a teenager And he should have known better than to have a relationship with someone my age at all. I couldn’t deal with the guilt I felt, and broke it off. Now? No way in hell. That’s not to say I might not do something royally stupid like a one-night stand (I don’t think I would, but don’t have a crystal ball), but I’d never enter into a relationship with a married person.

@augustlan
Sounds like someone’s getting a little restless. :)

@SeventhSense Not a bit. :)
I just know that the future is unknowable and I would never presume to know for sure that I wouldn’t slip sometime in the future. I never have, I don’t intend to ever do so, but that doesn’t mean I never will.

Fair enough..

I wouldn’t.. I think I deserve more respect than that.. If you mess with a married man you’ll always just be the other woman.. I wouldn’t tolerate a cheating husband either.. I guess I’m just a no bs kind of woman.. its all or nothing for me.. then again, that’s just me.

No, I wouldn’t. There is no possible way it could end well for any of the involved parties. No momentary thrill could ever be worth all the heartache it woulld inevitably bring.

And to echo Chyna’s point, as Dr. Phil says: “if they’re willing to do it WITH you, they can also do it TO you”

Nope.

Not willingly meaning not if I’m aware they’re married. In the past I have been disappointed to learn a few people I started to date hadn’t filed or completed their divorce papers but had presented themselves as single and this was a HUGE issue for me. Since then I admit I’ve had an encounter with a married but it had nothing to do with dating, falling in love or even affection- it was more an affront to my own values someone else had once admired and I did it mostly as a self destructive thing to say, “see now, I have ruined all the things you once loved about me.” Dumb move but I went there.

Personally I won’t, as I will not be able to live with myself by being the mistress !! I know I deserve more than that, but I got a close friend which is the girlfriend of a married guy and she always says that she cannot help it, the heart choses not the brain…. so the answer really depends on the person and their personality.

I’m more likely to go on a killing spree than participate in an adulterous situation. Betrayal is the ugliest word I know.

Not a chance.

nope

I certainly won’t be dating anyone other than my husband now that I am married. Before I was married, I wouldn’t have dated anyone who was married… even if legally separated. I don’t think there is room for a relationship until after the divorce is complete and one has fully engaged in serious self-reflection and emotional detachment from their previous marriage.

Normally I wouldn’t even get into such a relationship, or get out as soon as I found out the woman was married. But I can imagine situations where I might.

It really depends on the situation. I doubt I would but I can’t give a black and white answer. Sometimes things fade to grey..

I assume that not many people would plan on entering into an adulterous relationship. We all like to think that we would hold ourselves to high moral standards, and never risk harming the ones we love. It’s easy to say “never.” The truth is, as several of you have mentioned, situations arise that cause us to question our belief systems. Emotional turmoil in your current relationship can leave you vulnerable, confused, and hurt. Friendships can develop into deeper relationships that you’d never imagined possible. Logic and reason become overpowered by passion and a need for meaningful experiences. The difference between right and wrong becomes dimmed as you begin to feel better about your own life.

Your whole world can spin around completely in an instant.

No.

When I met my husband he was still legally married. He and his wife were living apart for three years when we met. He had contacted an attorney about divorce, and then lost his son. Once that happened everything went down the crapper for him. There was a suit against the hospital/doctor, his attorney advised him to NOT divorce while this was going on.

He was honest and up front from the very first date…
(for a moment, I thought he was joking… “there’s something I need to tell you right away, I’m married” I was FLOORED, until he explained the whole situation)

So technically, I was dating a married man for years… and yes, he proposed to me before the divorce had been finalized.

We’ve been together for eight years, and I’ve never been happier.

I once had a fling with a married woman, it only lasted a couple months and kinda fizzled out. It was certainly a ‘we can see other people’ thing, mainly driven by me as she had a husband so was already de facto seeing someone else.

The really awkward bit came about 2 months later, we saw each other at a mutual friends wedding and she introduced me to her husband, my first thought was….
“Oh Fuck he’s a big guy, he would kick the shit out of me if he knew what had being going on”

The thing is after having a bit of a chat with the guy I started to think that she was a complete bitch he seemed a really nice guy and from the start she made it clear to me she just wanted to fuck about.

People are weird

In my early 20s, I dated a married man for several months. It was annoying since it was always at his convenience, an on-the-sly thing. At the time I didn’t see much wrong with it because they were very unhappy and I figured things were coming undone anyway, and he kept promising that soon, soon he would leave her. He never left her, at least not for me. It took for him to realize that he preferred men before they went through with the divorce.

I found out years later that his former wife married someone wonderful afterward, started the business she always wanted, and was the deliriously happy sister-in-law of a friend of mine. So getting rid of her lying sack of shite husband was a good thing. He ended up being a leather daddy, happy in his own way, too.

I don’t think I’d do it again, though, and not just because I found someone of my own to be happy with. I’m used to being able to appear in public with my sweetie now, and being able to spend the whole night together, and not having to work around The Wife. Not to mention, as a married, I can imagine what kind of fresh hell that would be, both as the innocent spouse and as a divorce. I respect myself far too much to go through any of that. Plus, who wants some sad lady’s crappy leftovers when I can have my own prime dish, eh?

You can’t choose who you love, but you CAN choose what to do with that emotion.

I would not be the S.O. of someone who is already in a relationship. I expect fidelity from a person and expect it of myself- both of us would be breaking that person’s vows to another.

I have had the misfortune of sleeping with someone whom I did not know was married at the time. It was only a one night stand in my wilder days, but I still feel guilty about it.