Is it ok for my mom to be overprotective?

Moms can be like that. Think of it as being a better fate than to have had an abusive mom. It’s hard for parents to see their little ones grow up, and it seems to be even harder for some.

Try to be understanding of the way she feels, but stick up for yourself, and, in a kind way, guide her toward the understanding that you are maturing and need a little slack.

May I ask how old you are? It would help in my response.

Generally speaking, I’d agree with @pdworkin. If she’s a reasonable person, she’ll slowly let go of the reigns as you demonstrate to her how responsible you are.

That being said, I know of quite a few unreasonable, paralyzed by fear kind of moms who continue along this path after their children were well into adulthood. Those parents, you need to learn how to work around (as opposed to work with).

Here’s hoping your mom’s of the reasonable variety.

Maybe she knows something you don’t! Like a convicted child molester living in the area?! Nowadays we as parents can never be too protective! But the going outside thing should be compromised on! I believe all kids should be able to go outside and play! Try talking to her about it!

Not if she wants you two to have a good relationship later on in life (if she truly is be overprotective)

She is your mother. She loves you. And she is human.

It is in our nature to become attached to those we love; so much, in fact, that we desire to protect it at all costs. Your mother is infinitely more wise than you can imagine and knows the evils of the world – worse still, she knows how ignorant and arrogant children/teenagers can be (she was there, you know). That is a dangerous, scary reality for her.

In other words, let her, goddamn it. By fighting against (or at least not attempting to understand) her wisdom you are – effectively – being stupid. You mustn’t forget that she has very human fears, interests, dislikes and weaknesses. She is fragile, and not invulnerable to the world. You’d do well to remember that.

@Grisaille; yeah, the question isn’t whether the mom is acting naturally, it is whether her actions are healthy for either person involved. To use an extreme example, a hoarder is following the natural instinct to acquire property, but it sure as hell isn’t a healthy condition. It certainly pays to understand the mother and not to approach her in a confrontational, accusatory manner, but that doesn’t mean that her behavior shouldn’t be addressed and corrected just because it is “natural” or “understandable”.

That being said, without knowing the age and situation of @Dawifey, there is no way for us to know if the mom really is being over-protective or just reasonably cautious. I am inclined to assume the former, however, simply because the degree of paranoia we have come to regard as normal and even mandatory, especially with regard to children, is quite ridiculous. If @Dawifey is in her teens, or even younger, and her mom doesn’t want her playing outside (assuming she doesn’t live in an extremely dangerous neighborhood), then it is imperative that the mother realize that her actions are harming her child, regardless of her ‘natural instincts’ that don’t want her to accept this. Oh, and incidentally, where you say that her mother is “infinitely more wise than you can imaging and knows the dangers of the word”, I have seen plenty of instances of parents admitting that when it comes to their children, they lose all sense of proportion when judging dangers. So, not so much.

Well, its just how mum’s operate, im sure eventually she will cut you some slack… it happens to everyone, so just hold on tight and you’ll make it through ;)

I did that when my daughter lived in New York City and I was watching too much Law & Order SVU. The shows always seemed to be set near her apartment.

Television makes people overly paranoid.

Just the fact that you are saying over protective means that she is being irrational. Protective is one thing. Most moms want to protect their children.

Unless you tell us your age and give some examples, there is not anything anyone can say that won’t be based on personal dogmas.

“Le sigh”

she just loves you.

I’m just saying I just turned 16 Anne yes there are child molesters in my neighborhood so are tons of police living 5 mins away from my house but I still don’t any reason for her to be this paranoid and I have talked to her about it but she won’t acknowledge how I feel for once and just last year I had sex and whatever I do she wants to bring it up I mean I’m not even pregnant or anything like that b/c I’m fine but she just act so unreasonalbe to me and I want to thank all that responded b/c this helps me get another point of view thanks again.

Some parents have a lot of difficulty allowing and watching their children grow-up. But what I noticed in my 6 years of working with adolescents and their parents is that parents that tend to be overprotective are parents that do not trust their children.

Her lack of trust in you might come from her own insecurities about how she raised you and/or you have shown bad decision making in the past. You are supposed to make mistakes, you are supposed to separate yourself from your parents, it’s part of growing up. But your mother might be scared that you are going to make really bad decisions. This might be the case if she feels she made some really bad decision in her youth.

Aside from all that, unless you are prepared to alienate yourself from your mother at the age of 16 (Not that I’m saying that is necessarily bad. I don’t know your situation.) you are going to have to find way to deal. If you have sincerely tried to talk to her, and by sincerely I mean rationally and with good arguments, then you might just have do indulge her irrationality until you can go out and have your own life, and prove to her that you can take yourself.

Good luck. And remember, the best way to change someone’s behavior is to change yours first.

Thanks everyone

The thing about moms is even though they’re over protective they still love you and want whats best for you. Even if it ends up hurting you in the long run. You should thank her for being so caring but tell her that you’re old enough to go out into the world on your own.

She loves you and wants you to stay safe. If you act like an adult, taking responsibility for your actions, being willing to wait for privileges, following rules even if you think they are stupid, and carrying out all of your promises to her, she will gradually see you as growing up and will relax somewhat.

“just last year I had sex and whatever I do she wants to bring it up”

Now that is exactly the way to not show your maturity. Sex at 15 is hardly a sign that you can take care of yourself. Just because you didn’t get pregnant that time doesn’t mean it won’t happen some other time.

You are 16? Yes, I think she is being overprotective. Whether or not it is ok is up to you, really. Every family has it’s own dynamic. It sounds like you are being kept on a very short leash and it could lead to some resentment on your part. Not that you’re going to be a brat, just that one day you’ll say “screw it” and stay out past curfew or not call her from the bus stop or go outside on a walk without telling her and it might be, even subconsciously, to make her worry.

What in the world is she going to do when you go to college in just a couple of years? Try explaining to her that you feel you need to have some experiences of being responsible for yourself before you get out in the world and have to do it all at once.

@Dawifey, are by chance the oldest or an only? Moms can get a little over the top when they are in uncharted territory. Some of it comes from hitting the end of her “watch” and not wanting anything bad to happen to you while she is still responsible for you. I was a little nuts myself when my youngest started taking public transportation on her own. As it turns out, I had reason to be but she never mentioned it because she wanted to “handle it.” But it was more than she should have been handling on her own.

No I believe she is being ridicilous, especially to a 16 yr old. You need your freedom, and she needs to understand that.
@Darwin if she used protection and that is why she didn’t get pregnant then I believe she is showing her maturity very well. teenagers are going to have sex and should be educated to use protection every time.

She doesn’t let you go outside without telling you to come back in?

I’m sorry, but there’s something more than just “love” going on here. My mom always liked me to call her when I was out and such and keep her updated, but the notion of not even being allowed to go outside is ridiculous. Children are not completely and utterly dependent on their parents at that age; there is some degree of autonomy that needs to be allowed. Furthermore, not granting any autonomy is not going to adequately prepare the child for the real world, where mommy won’t be there to do everything for them.

There is a large pool of “middle” in between completely neglecting your child and acting as if you have to regulate their every action and be there to witness it. Most parents find a spot in the middle somewhere.

Yes I am the oldest child but I’m also growing up and that’s what I think adults need to understand I mean think about your adolescent did you have or were you locked down these are the questions you should ask yourself before you try to raise a child b/c being public I’ve learned that a child who is always kept away from things is sooner or later going to rebel against some of their parents ideas and that exactly what I try to tell my mom but that’s not why I had sex I did it b/c I wanted to have it with my boyfriend I know it was a mistake and I acknowledge my wrong doings b/c then I’ve only known him for a month but it’s but almost 7months later and I’m still with him but all the parents out their if you want your child to listen to you and tell you stuff first you’ve got to let them have a little freedom whether it hanging out with friends or going on a date(which I don’t do) sooner or later they will see you as a cool person and not a mean ole robot with no feelings just think about what they would like for once hear us out.

Parents aren’t supposed to be cool people. They are supposed to be parents. And they have plenty of feelings but through maturity they have learned to control them when necessary.

What parents also have is experience, which kids, even sexually active minors, do not. Based on your mother’s experience she is trying to keep you safe so you don’t have to learn some harsh lessons the hard way. Sounds like you need to get her to trust you again. Going off and having sex when you are underage is not the best way to do that. I sincerely hope the boyfriend in question is also a minor or he could be in big trouble.

I say this as the parent of a 17 yo girl who is still a virgin by her choice because she is smart enough to see the risks she could be taking with her future if things went wrong. She also gets considerable freedom as long as I know where she is, what she is doing, and with whom.

I was much stricter with my oldest daughter than I am with the second one. I would only half jokingly tell them that the the oldest one was the “practice child.” Your mother is on new grounds here. She knows what it’s like to be a 16 year old, because she’s been one (although she may need reminding) but she doesn’t know anything about being the MOTHER of a 16 year old, because, well, that would mean she has something in common with her mother.

My advice would be to pick a moment that’s not stressful, and tell her that she’s doing a good job with you, and that you are not going to ruin your life by making bad choices. (Unless you’re going to raves and doing drugs, in which case your mother should be worrying) Tell her you’re concerned about the anxiety she’s creating for herself by worrying so much about you, and that you promise to go where you’re supposed to, and will call her and let her know where you are. Your mom needs reinforcement that she’s doing a good job, and that you will be smart.

I believe that parents should be cool people like my fiance and I. We are cool and plan to be cool with our kids. We may have more experience which is why we can let them know what we know, but also give them options and let them make their own mistakes if they don’t follow all our advice. To me we are who guides them but not who controls them except for a few things like “get out of the street” or “don’t put your hand on the stove”.

A GA for “parents should be cool people”?

This was said by someone who isn’t a parent and approved of by someone isn’t a parent. Wait until the first time comes that your child does something awful, or, even worse, isn’t where you thought they were. There is a time for advice, and a time for rules. My brother is raising a grandchild because his step-son got “advice” instead of discipline.

@Darwin

My parents are cool, for the record. I think they’re quite cool. And yet they’re great parents. Cool =/= bad parent. A parent can still set rules and discipline but be “cool” to their children. A lot of that is in the child’s perspective alone. Of course, a more mature child will be able to realize that.

@DominicX, You’re pretty cool yourself! Lurve.

There is an article in this Sunday’s NYT magazine about anxiety, and are you hardwired for it. Here is a link to the article, which in print, is titled Anxiety! Is it the economy or terrorism or where your children are? Or whether you’ve got a brain hard-wired to worry?

@Darwin We can’t force our children to be perfect or follow everything we say, but if we are cool and don’t set stupid meaningless rules to them they will see us as someone who is good to follow. I also believe that being their friend is important, my dad has always been my best friend, and generally kids will follow and be influenced by their friends so in order for them to hopefully want to listen to us and see us as a good influence we will need to be cool and friends to them. As well as teach them what they need to know.

Also someone gave me a great answer because I do give good answers with explanations to them usually, and they make sense, I may not have my own children but for as long as I can remember I have thought about this stuff and how I plan to raise my kids and I don’t foresee it changing. Maybe little things here and there but my main beliefs are very much set!!