I'm constantly anxious and depressed, and there seems no way out for me, what do I do?

You need more help than Fluther can give. Perhaps a therapist, perhaps legal intervention. Also, perhaps moving out – you’re 21 and (I assume) a legal adult wherever you live. Please find help, because you’re in a horrible situation that you do not deserve. You can get out. There is hope.

Remember – you are not a minor. You do not have to take this. Doctors can help with the depression, police can help you with assault charges if you are being physically hurt. Wrench control, but don’t “forget” about the consequences – it’s likelier that they will be good consequences, and all this will someday be a poor memory.

And 21 isn’t old. :) I married at 35. You’ll find someone nice. No need to rush. ;)

My mum was physically abusive but my dad’s not like that at all. I just hate to upset him because he holds his head and says I’m making him miserable. In fact I feel he suffers himself after what my mum did to all of us. My sister doesn’t want to leave my mum alone but I fear she suffers too. It’s like there’s no way out without seriously damaging the little we have left of this family.

I second what @laureth said. I hope that writing it all out and sharing your situation gives you some comfort at least, but obviously there is little we can actually do.

We are here to listen, though, and your story has touched us. Welcome to fluther.

:-)

I guess if the only way out is to damage the family, you may have difficult choices to make. One of them might be, “is this a family that deserves to be preserved?”. If it’s a family that is strong, loving, not abusive, and a good foundation, it is well to keep it. If it is a family that is abusive and hurtful, there may be no virtue in keeping it since it’s not good.

I had to face this choice once myself. I moved out the day after I graduated high school because things were intolerable. To me, it would have been like saying I didn’t want to heal and be healthy, because by doing so I would destroy an infectious wound. But the surprising thing is that even though I didn’t talk to my mom for 3–4 years afterward, we eventually did talk. We’re not best friends and we never will be, but it wasn’t the end of the world either. (I remember age 21, when everything does seem like the End Of The World™, but it seldom really is. People have ways of finding each other again later in life, and perhaps a good break is what you need here.)

If you stay in touch with your dad and brother, though, you will still have a family. I do not see the virtue in sacrificing your health and life force for them, at least not now.

Have you ever been on an airplane? You know what they tell you during that emergency talk before liftoff? They tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping the person next to you, even if it’s a child. You know why? Because if you don’t have oxygen, you may not be able to help anyone else. If you help yourself here, you may also be able to help your dad and brother. But if you don’t help yourself, you may not be able to help anyone at all.

As my friend’s wise old grandma used to say – “You know what you have. You do not know what you will have.” If you stay, you will get more of the same. If you do something different, you may get something different.

Follow @laureth‘s advice

Oh sweetie – this is not a life anyone should have to live with. Follow Laura’s advice and get help. You have been imprisoned and abused by both your parents; you need to save yourself; then maybe you can help the others.

I’m sending you a hug. ()

“My mum was physically abusive but my dad’s not like that at all. I just hate to upset him because he holds his head and says I’m making him miserable.”

@fatedtofade, controlling behavior is a form of abuse. You’re “not allowed” to find a job that isn’t nearby, use your cell except for your father & brother to reach you, not even go to church or have friends. Your father says “he can help me develop confidence in myself”; he is doing all he can to ensure that you never have any!!! I agree, you need more help than we can give here. Perhaps you could seek help through your church? Or even a women’s shelter. We will be here to offer emotional support!

perhaps apply for a job the comes with accommodation…even voluntary work…seems like you need to get out of the situation pronto…there are many ways to achieve this depending on where you are based the internet is a great resource for this…check your options! your life belongs only to you and nobody else dont let other people drag you down and if thats what they are doing leave

The next time you go to school, find the counselor’s office. Tell the counselor what you’re telling us, and (s)he can help you formulate a plan to leave, or direct you to someone who can give you more tangible help than we can. You’re an adult and you have the right to do what you want with your life now. We will be here to listen and give suggestions as best we can. My aunt was very much like your mum with the fundy religion and much like your father with the isolating behaviors. I had to leave also, and unfortunately, she and I no longer communicate, but some relationships can’t be salvaged.

Understand that there is nothing wrong with you. You are in an intolerable situation and of course that’s going to affect how you feel about yourself. But – and this is important – you recognize that this is all wrong. So you are completely capable of doing something to help yourself. This is a great thing, because you have a way out. Even one person can be helpful.

This is a situation that you need to get out of. You may not be able to get out of it immediately, but you should start planning to get out of it at once.

You need to wrench control of your life. It sounds to me like your father is trying to do the right thing for you, which is commendable, but it also sounds to me like the things he’s actually doing for you are the wrong thing entirely. Your relationship with your father probably will suffer when you break away, but once you’ve gotten out of this situation and gotten on your own two feet, you can work on rebuilding it.

One of the things that generally does happen when you become a teenager is that you and your parents have more friction. This happens because you’re figuring out who you are, and your parents are not always as fast to pick up on it as you are, and continue to treat you like you were younger. What you’re feeling right now is the tearing that wants to happen because you didn’t gradually separate when you felt the friction. And it’s going to hurt a lot more than it would have if you had gradually pulled away and taken on more of your own responsibility. But it’s something that needs to be done for you to be an adult, and I hope you find the strength to do it—because I think it will make you happier in the long run.

Your dad is controlling you as his way of managing the situation. He probably cannot see or think through what the impact is of his actions, because when he went away you were 11–12, and now you’re 21, but he still feels like he needs to parent you as if you were 11 or 12.

Nine years of being away has a certain amount of freedom to it, even if you’re sending your money home, and to return home to find that the decision to be away was probably not the best one, is hard to manage. He’s trying to get his feet under him.

That being said, keeping you in the situation is not healthy for you. Do you have an aunt or other relative that you could live with? Perhaps look for a job that requires you to live in. Sometimes when you make a break, it’s painful at first, but then everyone settles into it when they see everything is going to be okay.

Welcome to Fluther.

This reminds me of thought control techniques. You isolate people from any outside influence, and you tell them how they should see the world. All kinds of dysfunctional behavior then ensues. Sometimes this kind of behavior is associated with strong religious beliefs and participation in an insular church.

It is really disturbing to me that your father won’t let you go to church any more. When does he think you will be ready to have a boyfriend? Does he think that he should make arrangements for you to marry someone? What nationality and ethnicity are you?

We may owe our parents our lives, but we don’t owe them our lives. That is, they brought us into the world, but that doesn’t mean they own us. It sounds like it will be very difficult for you to leave your family and strike out on your own, but I think if you don’t get away from your family, you will be doomed to misery, or even worse.

Your depression may well be situational, but it may have gone so far that you need medical treatment for it. I am concerned that you may start thinking of suicide as a way out. If you are depressed, it is nearly impossible to make significant life changes. You would really benefit if you got some treatment for it. Can you get yourself to a psychiatrist or a doctor?

If you can get some treatment for your depression, you may feel more confident about tackling the issue of living on your own. Then you may have a chance to heal from the damage your parents have done to you. They are controlling you like a doll, and this just makes you feel less and less capable. I wish you the best in getting out of this and building a better life.

Please, please seek help. Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. Keep us posted… we care.

Hello. I agree with the people above professional help would be the best way to improve your situation. Also it’s important to remember,(even tell yourself inside your had a couple times a day-like a mantra) this is your life and only you know and can make decisions that are best for you. There are tons of resources online or self-help books that can help you start if you don’t speak to someone right away.

Also consider creating a plan. Think about where do you wish you were, what do you wish your life looked like, what type of person do you want to be? Think about these things in terms of friendships, romantic relationships, spirituality, career, school- what ever is important to you. Write all this down. Then think about and write down small steps you can take towards creating the life you want. ****For example- If you decide you want to move out, maybe just leaving is a big first step, however you could create steps like, saving $, researching neighborhoods you might like, creating a new home budget, slowly buying items you will need.****

Make these steps small and attainable. You may notice a feeling less stuck and pride in yourself as you do them because you are working toward you’re goals and the life you want.

Here is a reference to someone who specializes in helping young women create the life they want. She has a few books, but also a few free weekly blogs and she does life coaching/counseling in person in LA or over the phone. If you just flip around her site you may find info that speaks to you and your situation.

http://www.christinehassler.com/

I truly wish you all the best. If there is anymore that I can do please write anytime. You are strong for reaching out and should be proud of yourself.