When you hire a teenaged girl to babysit, who drives her home?

Yes. It’s a bit paranoid.

I’d be offended… my wife probably even more so. You’re implying that I may prey on your young daughter simply because I’m male. Is the bus driver male? Does she have any extracurricular activities with a male supervisor? They would seem to be essentially the same situation.

There is also the point that they are employing her, as well as providing transportation. She can take the ride that’s provided or find another option but demanding different accommodations seems a little over the top. Could someone from your household have dropped her off and picked her up?

That might have solved the whole thing without hurt feelings and a lost client.

I understand the rationale, and would probably enforce the same rules eventually if my daughter opts to babysit. Some peoples’ feelings might be hurt (I guess I might get a little offended if it were implied that I would try something with a 15 year old), but if we needed a quality babysitter, and those were her rules, we would follow them.

@augustlan You see, you are asking them to trust their child’s life with your daughter, but you will not trust them with your daughter. You created a no-trust situation.

@oratio & @funkdaddy I totally see what you’re saying. However, these are men we don’t know, who would be driving around in a car alone with my daughter (after school activities are not alone). As a former teenaged girl myself, I actually was in that position and things did happen. I realize that the vast majority of men would not do such a thing, but why chance it? My ex is now a single father, and has faced some of this himself… parents not allowing their daughters to sleep over at his house because there is no mother present. Now, people who know and trust him have no problem with that, but we understand why people who don’t know him well would feel that way.

@augustlan I don’t have a daughter so I could only speculate about how I’d feel. I know that trust is a fragile thing between strangers.

I am not sure I would want to teach my daughter that every married father is a potential rapist.

Get her a moped?

I think it’s really paranoid.
It’s not like she’s getting a ride home from some creeper who lives alone and stares at you through the window with binoculars. It’s a married man with a daughter.

That rule is most certainly justified!! When I babysat back in the 50’s, it make me very nervous for the father to drive me home. The main reason for this is that most usually the couple had been drinking with dinner, and the father would get a bit too friendly as he drove his car, weaving back and forth all over the road. I’m sure the couple would have been offended if I suggested the wife drive me home—when you’ve been drinking, the safety of a drive home can easily be magnified by the alcohol! And since I never told my parents about this, it makes me now realize that I certainly knew something was questionable!

I think it’s absolutely reasonable. Not all predators are sleazy looking single guys. Better to be safe than sorry.

edit: Thinking about it some more, I wouldn’t let my daughter babysit in the first place. Employment where the workplace is someone’s house, rather than in public? No.

I have to agree it’s a bit paranoid. That being said, if I wanted to uphold this “rule”, I probably would have said, “Don’t trouble your husband, I’m driving that way anyway. I’ll drop her off”.

That rule basically implies that no adult male can be trusted with a teenage girl. That’s a troubling message.

There are other things you could do to be safe in such a situation. Ask the father to come a little early so he can come in and meet you guys. If he’s pressed for time, walk your daughter out to the car to greet him (better yet, send your husband). Get his license plate number as he drives away. Make sure your daughter has her mobile phone on and call her to chat shortly after she drove away (you conveniently “forgot” to tell her something).

@augustlan This is your daughter and you know her far better than I do. It’s obvious you care about her but maybe she’d be better served learning from your experience how to look out for and react to negative situations rather than avoiding time alone with men altogether. It’s simply not a situation that can be avoided, and my point with the examples was simply that she’s already exposed to the same situation you’re worried about here. ~Men are everywhere~ (that’s the sarcasm)

Oratio also touched on part of the underlying issue, you’re teaching her that all men are potentially after her. We’re all predators from the moment we hit puberty until the end of our days, and that seems a bit unfair and is part of why I’d be offended. If you don’t want her picked up by the cute senior boy that makes her giggle, that’s one thing, but the average married father isn’t exactly your biggest risk.

When I was that age, I was only allowed to babysit for people that my parents knew. The father usually brought me home. (that was around a half century ago).

I understand the rule, but also feel uncomfortable with it. That being said, I am a customer for sitters, my kids are merely seven.

My wife and I have a different approach: we always make sure to meet the parents of young sitters. If there is a choice, my wife would bring home a young girl, unless we would be very familiar with the family. Not that I don’t trust myself, but my wife and I can empathize with the parents uneasiness.

We wouldn’t let a girl (or boy!) aged fifteen or younger babysit our children, if the parents would not want to meet with us first. That to us would indicate an inappropriate lack of attention in the family of the sitter.

@pegglou You are not seriously implying that you would let your daughter be driven home by a drunk mother, as long as it wasn’t the father?

Of course we do not know your daughter. Do you have uneasy feelings stemming from a lack of trust of her, or of the employers/parents?
There have been, however, many good points herein-
* Meeting the parents before-hand is imperative, if you wish to show that your daughter is form a responsible family, and to built trust all around.
* Creating a no-trust situation would be just cause (at least for me) to go with another babysitter, one whose parents are more willing to allow her a bit of freedom
* On freedom: if your daughter is “old enough” to babysit (is your judgment call), then she must be old enough to make mature, rational decisions on her own, otherwise she’s a poor choice for a babysitter!
* Sending the wrong message to her by disallowing this opportunity based on something as this, will ultimately cause grief in the long-run (from my experience on both sides- as a parent/as a child):
—at babysitting-age, tightening your rules, or, controlling grip on your child will surely result in one thing, if not others, too… your child’s rebellion from your “rules”, or even more so, her lashing-out and making poor judgment calls to try to rid herself of such infantile boundaries… and very bad decision-making skills.
—Giving enough freedom, if done right, should cause development of rational decision-making skills of her own

For a young girl, babysitting is one of the best ways to develop a good sense of maturity and rationality. God bless- I hope you find a happy medium for your situation.

The parents who are hiring a babysitter make rules such as you can’t have your boyfriend over, you can’t have girlfriends over, don’t eat all the food, etc. This is not considered out of the ordinary. Why should it be considered out of the ordinary that the parents of the babysitter have rules as well? I don’t see anything at all wrong with that. If your daughter were in her 20’s and living on her own, it would be paranoid, but at 15, seems sensible.

@augustlan I am sure you are a very good and caring mother. Though, “better to be safe than sorry”, is the basis of prejudice, I am sure that this isn’t really big issue in your daughters life. Judging from what I’ve read from you, you seem like a very sensible person.

I write this as it might seem as I question you as a mother.

I think it is a very reasonable rule. I also think that it protects the babysitter from potential discomfort, etc. as well as protects the father from potentially false accusations.

I don’t think the rule presumes that men are all predators, rather that being alone with a man in a car as a teenage girl can be uncomfortable and there are situations in which it is not safe for the girl.

One of my best friends is a man and he will not be alone with me and will not set foot in my house without his wife or someone else present. This is not out of an assumption that we will have sex if left alone, but rather he does not put himself in a situation where he, me (as one of his best friends), his wife or anyone else could possibly be uncomfortable or wonder if anything inappropriate could happen. I was offended for only a minute, and then I thought his actions were very considerate of his wife.

I also think that if the man is well known (an uncle, a close family friend, etc.) and the babysitter and all adults are comfortable… it is perfectly acceptable for him to drive the babysitter home. Not all such rules need to be followed by all people all of the time – they are intended to protect the population of teenage girl babysitters, and exceptions occur.

There is no need to be offended when the safety of children and adolescents are at stake.

Perhaps I’m too trusting. I’d be quite amazed if a family I know didn’t trust me with their daughter, and I have trusted my young daughter to be OK when with her friend’s fathers.

edit: read someone’s post incorrectly, my comment didn’t make sense. deleted.

For a first time job, you are right, but you said this was an ongoing job, so your daughter knew the family, that makes it paranoid.

As a single father, she would have lost the job with me also. I would question why you don’t drive her yourself?

I know you need to protect her, and I commend you for that, but not every guy out there is a predator.

I’m a single dad. I guess I disagree with the rule.

The tension was created when the mother decided to tell you that she could pick you up but was suddenly uncomfortable with the rule. Others point to them trusting your daughter with their kids lives. I think that they agreed to that rule with out thinking it through and then, when confronted by it, backpedaled. That says more about them than you.

As a single father I support the rule. If I truly trusted and was comfortable with your daughter (as I am sure I would be) and as my kids safety is my biggest concern, I would feel bad about it but would respect it.

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone
dum dee dum dum doo…

Wow, I’ve never heard of that being an official rule.

I do understand why the rule is in place, but I do find it to be a silly rule. That said, when I was a teenager…I had a quick babysitting job and the husband did hit on me :( But, that was only one instance, and I went and told my mother immediately (I was 16)
We’re having my cousin watch my son, she’s a 15 year old, and my husband will be the one driving her home since I won’t be home. I suppose it’s different if it’s family?

I think the family should have respected the rule more, but things do come up. Like, what if when the family came home the mother had maybe too many drinks? Is the policy to then call the parents of the babysitter? Is this rule only for underage girls?

I think it’s a little paranoid. It’s prejudice to assume that any male you leave your daughter with is going to try something. That said, exert regular safety rules, but don’t discriminate.

The rule is good; the “uncomfortable” patrons, unreasonable. Rules are there as guidelines and a safety-net. If you say, “yes-just this once”, it will be every time.

We have family rules at our house that are similar: our daughter is not allowed to be alone with ANY man. She is also not able to spend the night over at a friend’s house if the girl has a brother(s).

I am such a meanie.

You know your daughter better than any of us here, so you would know of her ability to handle a bad situation. Your rule is justified. However, rather than canceling the job for your daughter I would have offered to drop her off. That way I could meet the parents, see the house, and know how to get there in case an emergency happens.

In our case the rule has never been imposed because before she had a car my daughter only babysat for folks who are in walking distance of the house. I walked her over, and I or one of the parents walked her back. Now that she has a car, she only babysits for folks in our church so I generally know both parents and their kids as well as where they live.

Men are men and they are naturally attracted to young ladies. That is a rule of nature. That is why the rule in discussion is in place. I think it serves a purpose.

Young ladies are also young ladies, and are naturally attracted to men. What is the rule for your boys? Do they require your constant protection?

“What is the rule for your boys?” I take it you don’t live in the U.S.?

I take it you have never encountered a rhetorical question before..

@Sabotage82 Why not answer the question? Seems like a perfectly valid one.

Two of the three sitters we have are boys (15 and 18 years old).

I barely trust my wife with them, though.

This is a really interesting question. I had never really thought about it. In my babysitting days, I always transported myself.

@augustlan and everyone else uncomfortable with male drivers: how do you feel about male babysitters?

@Sarcasm Sounded a little sarcastic to me. Like he has a chip on his shoulder about protecting the boys. My answer is I could care less about either the boys or the girls. I was just answer the stupid question. I have no personal feel about this subject because I have no kids trying to babysit. If I did I might have more to say.

When I was in elementary school our favorite babysitter was a boy from down the street. He was fun, had a hot-rod, and he could belch better than almost anyone I ever met. Unfortunately, a few years later he died in Vietnam.

I baby sat when I was young and am a male. Everyone I sat for was with in 1 block so I walked. We could back then. I would trust a boy as much as a girl. By the time I ask someone to sit for my kids I would know them well enough to.

The reality is, if a person, man or woman, is going to find a way they are going to find a way. Augustlan’s daughter could easily have been picked up by the woman, the man, where he predatorial, could slip his wife something to make her sick, take her home and then take advantage of Augustlan’s daughter.

All we can do is the best we think we can. One final note, until my kids are old enough not to be manipulated easily, say never, I will never worry to much about offending someone else with my rules for their safety. Anyone who is that uptight isn’t someone I would want to worry about anyway.

Shouldnt it be your daughters responsibility to find a ride there anyway? Not them come pick her up? I mean it is like a job. My work doesnt send a ride for me :P

I do not think it is an abnormal rule at all. In fact many state agencies have similar rules. For example I worked for a job where we took children in counseling out into the community. As a woman I could be paired up with male or female children. But the men could only be paired with male children. I can see how someone might want to argue against this as it isn’t quite “fair” but it is considerably safer.

In this specific situation I think you did all were in the right. The fact that your daughter lost the job for not wanting to ride home with a man that you’ve never met sounds pretty sketchy to me. I don’t know why that would make mom uncomfortable. It is completely reasonable. Now I could see the mom saying that in this case your daughter has to provide her own ride if she doesn’t want to ride with the father. That would have been a reasonable compromise.

” But the men could only be paired with male children.” How is this safer? Arent little boys molested too?

@uberbatman Yes they are. But they are working off of statistics and legality I suppose. It does seem ‘unfair’ as I stated especially since you have to pass a serious background check to work there. Perhaps it just makes people feel safer whether founded or not. I think the legality piece is more about girls claiming untrue acts against the men which with the populations we work with would not be a long shot. So in that case it is safer for the male workers, not the children.

@RedPowerLady

Reminds me of 6th grade camp. The girl cabin leaders could have a boys’ or girls’ cabin, but the guy cabin leaders could only have a boys’ cabin. As for me, ours had two cabin leaders and one was a girl and one was a guy.

I do think it’s just based off statistics and when it comes to children being harmed, people want to lower the risk at any cost, even if it means being a little sexist.

As for the question, I’ve gotten rides from people my parents never met (meaning other people’s parents). But I’m a boy. :)

@DominicX That doesn’t surprise me. I think it is ‘common practice’ anymore. I love the idea though of pairing up the man and woman, makes a lot more sense.

@RedPowerLady didnt really think about it that way. Makes sense.

I forgot to mention that neither her father nor I could provide the ride. If we could have, there would have been no pick-up in the first place. I have driven her there in the past, and have met the mother but not the father. The rule is to protect both the girl and the adult male (from false accusations). When our kids were young, my ex-husband never drove or walked our babysitters home.

As for trusting my daughter, I do. She’s a great kid. In fact, she could have allowed the father to pick her up and we would never have known! Instead, she followed our rules. She says that she would have felt uncomfortable with him driving her home even if we didn’t have the rule. She feels like she’s been punished for doing the right thing now.

@augustlan I think you absolutely have a good rule. Your poor daughter shouldn’t feel bad for doing the right thing. Maybe you can take her out for ice cream and tell her you are proud of her for sticking to the rules and choosing a situation that makes her feel more comfortable. If you don’t have extra money for ice cream perhaps something else along that line just to give her a little boost.

@augustlan Aw, she shouldn’t feel badly for it. I mean, let’s say I apply for a job and tell them I cannot work Sundays…this would greatly diminish my chances of getting the job, all because I cannot work one day. Things like that happen in the work world all the time, and sadly she’s seeing it.

When I baby-sat in high school, I was usually driven home by the father of the family. It seems like a bit paranoid behavior for a Red Cross course to teach that only the mother can pick up/drive a babysitter home- I understand why they might teach it is preferable, but it seems a bit cruel to (likely the majority) of fathers who would never harm a babysitter.

Great rule. I had one of my dad’s friends hit on me once on the short drive home. I was 15.

She says that she would have felt uncomfortable with him driving her home even if we didn’t have the rule.

My dad told me exactly once when I was young to never corner a possum, it would tear my arm off. He was trying to scare me to keep me safe as a small boy. It worked and I was unreasonably scared of possums until I had to get one out of my house 15 years later. I realized it’s just a big rat. It wants food, shelter, and safety for it’s young.

In a year your daughter may gain a lot of independence with a car, in less than three the world will see her as an adult… I hope she isn’t scared that men are lecherously waiting for their opportunity. Suddenly the out of towner asking for directions is someone to be worried about, the neighbor who smiles at her wants something more, and the gentleman who wants to give her a ride to work is to be avoided.

I don’t have a teenage daughter, I’ve never been a teenage girl, but I am a harmless and friendly male who is sensitive to how many women he makes uncomfortable simply by making eye contact or speaking to them in passing. Of course I don’t press the issue but I wonder how many opportunities they miss through life by assuming my intentions are something to be worried about.

She’s about to be on her own, and you should prepare her however you think is best but at some point your role transitions from protection from the evils of the world to preparation for how to deal with them herself. Good luck and I think you’re an awesome mom for caring.

At the same time this thread is going on, there is another regarding whether the husband should go to the strip show and if he can be trusted while there. This is part of the problem, on one hand men are saying we are being maligned and on the other they are saying we are more visual, allow us to be men. I know it will be said there is a big difference between a stripper on stage and the babysitter in the car but is this visual man undressing the 15 year old in his head. I have heard men say it is biological, I must be ready to reproduce at all times. I have heard men use a lot of reasons to explain a lot of behavior that seems less than appropriate. One should not generalize but there are a lot of men who are less than honorable and I would rather teach my daughter that and have her go into adulthood with a healthy wariness than go into life with no sense of reality of the real world.

I came upon a boy who must have been 7 or 8 in the ladies room just recently. I said this is the ladies room, what are you doing in here and he said my mom told me never to go into the mens room alone, it is not safe, always use the ladies room. Women always take male children into the ladies room because it is not safe to send them into the mens room. I find it annoying to have little boys peering under the divider but that is another story.

There are a lot of sleezy men in this world posing as doctors, lawyers, fathers, farmers, until they change, I would continue to advise my daughter to be wary. And they are probably not going to change as long as the world is ruled by the boys will be boys mentality.

I don’t recognize these descriptions, be it that I’m a man, from another culture or both. It’s not uncommon that fathers take their small daughters into the locker room. I know that no one would raise an eye brow.

It’s almost as you expect something to happen, if you are not there preventing it. Men are animals and they are everywhere. They can’t help themselves.

Maybe I am naive, but I don’t see rational caution here. I see a fear driven society.

I would not call it fear driven, I would all it awareness and alertness based on life in the real world.

I would have to hear from women in your country. I just did a quick google on rape in Sweden and it certainly exists so a woman’s perspective could be different from your own.

Locker rooms and public toilets are different as well. Do women tell little girls to use the mens toilet because they are not safe in the womens?

If women were universally regarded with respect and not looked upon as anatomical parts, would pornography, prostitution etc. be so prolific?

You may be an upstanding man who does respect women but there are plenty in this world who do not and it is not paranoid to be aware of that.

So I asked my wife about this as she’s a bit of an expert (she was a probation officer for ten years and is certified in pedophilia and domestic abuse counselling).

She agrees it’s a tad paranoid and suggested similar precautions that have been stated above.

So, another voice from the peanut gallery.

Thanks for all the insight everyone. My daughter wanted me to mention that she has never met the father, either. I just want to reiterate… if we knew and trusted the man in question, this wouldn’t be an issue at all. Thanks again!

My favorite babysitter (when my brother and I got to be in the 7–9 range) was a boy. We ran around outside and did all kinds of things that might not have been the safest, but we didn’t get into trouble.

@augustlan I think that its a good rule if you’ve never met the father. But I also think that if he’s willing to come inside or otherwise meet you (since this is a repeat job) that you should be ok with this as an exception. As a parent who’s trusting your daughter with his kids, he could surely understand you wanting to be able to trust him with your daughter and acquiesce to reasonable demands.

@valdasta What century are you living in? And what county, for that matter?

I never had a babysitter on my own, but I remember when all 3 of us (my brother, my sister and I) were young, we had one babysitter who we had about 75% of the time, and she was female. The rest of the time was pretty much evenly split between males and females.

Then soon enough my brother was the babysitter for my sister and I for a few years.
My brother also babysat a few neighborhood kids including my best friend at the time. So my brother and I would go over to my friend’s house, and my brother would go upstairs and do homework in the office while we played video games. And then soon enough he ordered pizza for us.

I forgot to address male babysitters. I’d have to know the boy very well, but I’m certainly open to the idea.

@augustlan: Sorry to derail, but I have a followup question…how would you feel about a guy with strong recommendations? I was going to recommend my gentleman-friend to a former coworker who’s about to have her second kiddo any day now, but now I’m wondering if she’ll feel uncomfortable with the prospect of a guy? Said gentleman is much much much better with kids than I am, and I would trust him with my life.

If a trusted friend highly recommended a male friend, I’d be open to the possibility. I’d probably want to meet him first. I realize that this is sexist, but as a victim myself I can honestly say, none of the perpetrators were women.

If I was doing the hiring, I would either drive her or she’d have to find her own way home (or if I did have a wife, which I don’t, then it might be my wife instead). I don’t know about this rule but I find it highly insulting and sexist. Yes, I would fire her and never talk to her or her parents again. What they’re insinuating is that I’m a rapist. Sorry, but if the Red Cross had a “you can’t be driven home by a Jew” rule, how would that make the Jews feel? Or what if it had “you can’t be driven home by a Black”. Implying that all males are rapists is just as bad.

It would have to be a really, really, really stupid man to try to molest a teen babysitter on the way home. It would be obvious what had happened. The girl would report it to her mother, and the guy would be toast. They’d never get another babysitter, if the community were small enough. Maybe even in a large community.

I would train my daughter about how to handle such a situation. She’d have her cell phone with her. She’d tell him “no” in no uncertain terms, and she’d also point out the consequences of his actions.

I think the risk of an adverse situation is way overblown. It is a consequence of the fear atmosphere we live in, that is not helped by all the local tv coverage of sensational stories. Of course, you do what you are comfortable with.

We’ve had both male and female babysitters. The males were neighbors or teachers from their daycare center. They were both really good with the kids, who liked them both.

@daloon It would have to be a really, really, really stupid man to try to molest a teen babysitter on the way home.
Unfortunately many molesters are stupid. They are not ruled by their reasoning abilities.

I babysat ALL THROUGH MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARS! The “MALE” picked me up (which I always thought was the husband and probably was) and the “MALE” took me home. I NEVER had any “problems” of any kind! EVER! Frankly, I felt “safer” with the guy driving me in case there was ever a “car” problem! But. . . . .that was back in the ‘60s when “things” were a little different!

@Millenium_TheMysteriousM: Why do you use so many quotation marks? Do you not really mean the words male, problems, safer, car and things?

@MacBean : I use “quotation marks” a lot to EMPHASIZE a word I’m trying to stress! We all have our own “little” ways in composing “prose”! That’s MY way! I not ONLY mean the word I put in quotes. . . . . . . .but I’m also STRESSING it! Does THAT explain it?

@Millenium_TheMysteriousM: YOU seem to have LOTS! of ways of EMPHASIZING words! So I’m a little curious as to why you choose to also use a method that means something else and could easily cause confusion.

@Millenium_TheMysteriousM – If you look below the comment box you will see LOTS of different ways to stress emphasize words.

@avvooooooo In response (two months later): USA, 21’st century, and just old-fashioned.

@Millenium_TheMysteriousM Oh, oh….. http://www.fluther.com/disc/74870/actual-quoting-aside-do-you-use-quotation-marks-to-indicate-emphasis/#quip1164713

Good thing that your daughter upheld to her standards.
The mother may have been offended that you did not trust her husband or worse maybe thought that you daughter was responsible for undue attentions before?
Stick to your guns!
I have heard of grown men having crushes on schoolgirls
I guess they are going through mid life crises..but still the girls saftey is paramount.