Do you think it is possible to rebuild a relationship where both people have messed up?

I think that you have half the answer when you say that you think you need therapy. I think you both need counselling to try to solve this relationship.

However, have you ever sat down with your SO and tried to honestly talk things out? Or have you only ever had arguments? It would be good to just talk first if you haven’t done that already.

Anything is possible if you want it to be. But it’s really up to you, although, I think you already know what you want. Just decide if you actually…need it, or if it’s good for you.

We have tried to talk but it just ends with her/him getting upset at me more. It is like anything I say is used against me and I am afraid to talk.

I think it would be good to have a third person help us.

@dusty Do you have any close mutual friends who know about this situation?

Yes I have a couple friends who know.

I never wanted to be this kind of person. It is really not who I am. I feel like I died!

That was a bit vague. I’m guessing your a she and she’s a she or maybe a he since you didn’t say. I say it will work out if its suppose to work out, even though you don’t know if its suppose to work out or not. Writers of your own story.

I did not want to go into genders but yeah!

@dusty First things first, it’s a good thing you realise that you have a problem. But now that you recognise it, you need to work on it. The both of you weren’t right for being unfaithful to each other, but have you ever tried to solve the underlying problem? Have you ever asked your SO why he/she wanted to go astray?

Straying partners are usually a sign of a troubled relationship, and if the both of you have a mutual close friend who can come in to sit with you, I think that would lend a calmer presence to the discussion.

Still, it kinda worries me that you feel like you’ve died. This means that this has been hurting for a long time. If that’s the case, then you really need to take action as quick as possible. I feel that if and only if you find out that your partner just doesn’t want to commit then you’d better move on.

What is a “SO” anyways?

You have answered your own question…. find someone who better suits you.

If something hurts this badly, it’s because the new situation is a stick touching an old, unhealed wound. Please find a therapist you can trust to start healing, or you’re just going to go through this again with someone else, and without the tools to maintain your equilibrium. It doesn’t matter what your SO does at this point, unfortunately.

She/He says he wants to be with me but deep down I feel that she/he will do it again to me. I feel I need help because I have heard that once it happens it is more likely to happen again. Because of my values and beliefs I do not want to get caught up in this lifestyle. It is not who I am.

@dusty Trust your gut.

Well she/he did kiss another person right after we got married during a time of separation. Ever since she/he told me about it I never felt good enough for her/him when it came to intimacy and my self image was damaged becuase of it.

reexamine your priorities…

This is the hardest thing I have ever gone threw.

Thanks. I think the best thing will be to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself until we get into counseling. I have been working hard to make her/him happy for many years but I know I can’t be the one to do that now. I am just tired of always feeling like shit.

Take the first step. You’ve made the right choice by going to counselling. And if you have any more problems, just come back here. =)

Thanks everyone!

@Samurai – it means Significant Other.

Once trust is lost or questioned, especially in cases of infidelity, it is really hard to regain/rebuild that, and in most cases, it’s never back the way it used to be.

I was afraid of that!

I used to think so, and over a period of years kept gettin back together again time after time after time.

I’m taking a break now.

I’ve decided I’ve given us enough chances – there is something wrong. We may love each other – but apparently love just isn’t enough.

I shant get back together with her anymore.

But that’s us. Everyone’s different.

I have been hurt so deeply I am just not sure if I can recover. I need help becuase at heart I know I am not a cheater.

My gut tells me its over. But I do not think living on child support and alimony is any way to live life. I really want our kids to have that one on one every day relationship with the “SO”.

Hi @dusty and welcome to fluther. It sounds like you are going through a rough time right now. Start a question and talk – we’ll listen and discuss it if you feel like it.

:-)

Never stay together because of the children. It’s a noble idea, but you’ll just be miserable yourself. It’s just not a good reason. Kids are resilient… just make sure that counseling is available to them if there is a split and they’re old enough to remember there used to be someone else in the picture. I was a year old, so I never remembered being with my mom. It was the norm… no counselling needed. My dad tried, but it was sort of useless in the long run.

I do not know how to do a question and talk.

They feel like they can’t trust you?? You were given reason first not to trust them. I think this person just wants you to be hurt and is trying to punish you. I know you would like to do something about it but I think it would be better for you to move on and find yourself and work out want you need for you.
Love yourself first, if someone loves you after that well that’s just an added bonus.

Yes she/he feels like they can’t trust me now. But I feel she/he never trusted me to begin with because they accused me of cheating way before it happened. I do feel like I am being punished. I am in so much pain over all this. I need help becuase I do not understand why I do not feel guilty for what I did.

Ask yourself why should you feel guilty? Not being guilty is showing you that you have no reason to be.
They accused you before and in a way you proved them right when you did cheat but you know yourself that it didn’t happen when you were accused so you were right.
I don’t think this person is good for you when they are making you question yourself so much.
When they accused you of cheating before maybe that’s what they wanted to happen. Do you think they might have been looking for an easy way out and eventually you did give them that?

@Webzilla I never thought of it that way! I think you may be right because the moment we were back together after our separation she/he took every opportunity to dig through my pc and other property where they would never have looked before. It was like she/he was looking for it not to mention they kept asking me if I wanted to be with her/him over and over again before returning home after the long separation.

My “SO” Told me about their affair right before leaving for a long period of time at which point they had another affair after leaving with the same person. I also stepped out twice but not with the same person. I never planed for either to occur. One was because I got really drunk when I went out dancing with my friends. The second time I was contacted by a friend who I asked for advice from months earlier who happened to be going to through the same thing. I think she/he used their position to feed on my weakness. I just feel like I keep getting ****ed by the opposite sex and I am so tired of mind games and bullshit. Even now though I am not cheating any more and have not for a few months feel like just typing here to ask for opinions or help is sneaking around. I feel like I have to hide and like I can not talk to any one. If I talk to my “SO” I feel like any and all I say will be used against me. I am so seriously ****ed up right now that I do not think I should even talk to her/him. I honestly do not think she/he really understands the damage she/he has done to me.

What I did is no excuse I will take responsibility for my actions. I do not need to felt sorry for as I am a strong person.

If you need help then you shouldn’t feel like your sneaking around. I think it’s great that you are talking about it and you are getting help to sort it all out in your own head.
I really think you should take some time away from this person considering that you feel the way you do and being with them is not making things better. How long has this relationship with your ‘SO’ been going on?
It’s good that you will take responsibility for your actions; it shows you know you did wrong and being a strong person will come in useful now as you need to mull this all over and spend time with yourself to figure out what is going to be best for you.

I’m going to 2nd what @poofandmook says: once there has been so much damage, the relationship changes and will never be the same so you have to weight what’s left that it can be and if that’s going to be acceptable to you. I say ‘to you’ because it’s on you. From what you’ve written, your SO stepped out and lied several times during your relationship which means each time they did it, they chose to take on the consequences of dishonoring your love for them, hurting you if you found out (you did, you are) and possibly losing you. Does your SO really have something so redeeming, so precious and booning for you that you’d accept this to possibly recur in the future? Do you ever wonder what it would be like to have the love of someone who’d make the eforts to never hurt you intentionally, someone who’d look at your love as a blessing on their life and who’d grow and blossom because of your shared love?

*I have tried forgiving someone who cheated on me and I have tried forgiving someone else who was emotionally negative and neither relationship held up on second attempts.

My “SO” and I have been together for 10 years and have known each other for 13. At this point my ‘SO’ has been gone so long already and now I have to be around her/him as I have no choice at this point. I feel like I constantly have to be thinking about her/his feelings and well ya know since I have had a full year by myself to get over their on going affair I should be over it and have no feelings. I will not say I was perfect by any means becuase no one is perfect. But I have high opinions of myself and I feel I am a great person and companion. Everyone who meets me always tells me how awesome I am. Am I to believe other wise.

No you don’t have to believe otherwise. If people are telling you that you are a great person then you must be but we all fall out with somebody.
You say that you have to be constanly thinking about their feelings: you really shouldn’t have to. This is not healthy for you and you shouldn’t be walking on egg shells all the time. It will leave you stressed out and not wanting to go home.
As for getting over the affair: you see this person the whole time, they remind you of hurtful things and bad feelings of course you will not get over it and that is why you need to remove yourself but I understand from what you are saying that you can’t do that.

I had been typing to my friends becuase I am so confused. And I found out that my “SO” has added a key logger to my pc. I know I cheated and I know I still have some feelings for my friend who took advantage of my weakness but I do not care for her/him in a sexual way and we had put a stop to our affair a few months ago. I think my “SO” is trying to find out if I am still cheating which I am not. I also think she/he is looking to see what I am saying about her/him to my friends. I am just so ****ed up right now I barely even know what to think about my feelings.

I was starting to think things were getting better and then I get the feeling I am being spied on so I went looking and found a few things deleted and added to my pc.

If they are watching what you are typing they obviously still don’t trust you.
I have to ask this but how did the two of you come to get back together?

I am trying hard to care and be more loving to my “SO” despite all that has happened in hopes that it will help to begin to love her/him the way I did before to some extent. I want to be able to report to my friends that things are getting better and that he/she is treating me the way I always dreamed of. That would be great but my “SO” has always behaved in jealous ways and I am not sure if I can handle her/him always being jealous. It was driving me nuts before her/his affair and now I know it will be even worse.

I never fully left her/him. My “SO” was deployed with the military.

@dusty Sorry about the confusion. I was replying to your post without noticing that you had actually asked the original question yourself. I’m glad you’ve picked up a discussion here. Feel better.:-)

I do not want to do anything to hurt my “SO” and I am so worried I will make the wrong choice. I want to know with out a doubt that I did all I could.

I am not the type of person who seeks to hurt another. I feel so lost and far from God now.

@dusty: once two people have cheated on and hurt each other then it’s HUGE to climb out of the abyss of suspicion, paranoia, insecurity and anger. Again I ask you, what is it about your SO that is so positive, so loving, so fulfilling that you’d even want to make efforts for this damaged relationship with a person who isn’t trustworthy. That you went and cheated after never having done so before just shows how broken down and detached you became. It’s no excuse but that’s usually how it goes, very sad business and the odds are against you to recover much less forge something better than what wasn’t even above board in the first place.

@hungryhungryhortence I do not have the answer to that question yet. That is why I want to go to counseling myself. We have a long history together and we have kids together I suppose that is why I would want to try. Plus I know a few people would who would say I gave up and say it was my fault for all this if I leave including my “SO”.

I think you have done all that you can. You are still passionate about the relationship and you are torn. I can see so much that you want it to work out and I don’t know your other half but I think you are making more of an effort than they are.
If it is only you trying to make it work I think you should hang up your gloves and move on. It will never work if they aren’t prepared to meet you halfway.
If you do go you can tell yourself that you tried your best, as you obviously did, and that you did all you could. We can only do so much on our own.
By talking to you now I know that you don’t want to give up at all and it is something you need to at least consider for your own sake.
Talk to this person calmly about all the things you have said here. Try to get them to talk calmly back to you. Don’t let them give out to you because they are not listening. If they don’t want to resolve any of these issues then you will know that you are fighting a losing battle.
I know that this is hard for you to hear.

I may not have to talk to him as he is a frequent user of fluther. I am hoping he will see this and maybe get a better idea. This is me. I never wanted to be a cheater. I saved myself for marriage as a gift to my husband. I question all I do now because I feel so lost.

I am fully broken!

@dusty: it’s typical for couples to go through and pay for counseling “for their kids” and many kids would love to be honest and tell their folks, “get on with it, get divorced and stop making life for everyone miserable.” Just the majority of my experiences and observations with this. Not letting down other loved ones, your social circle, the esteem of your co workers and such, that’s normal but then again, those people don’t go home under the same roof with you at the end of the day. You don’t crawl into bed next to them and they don’t have to the feel anxiety and hurt seeping from your skin, they don’t wake with you fitfully during the night or questioning each new morning. Good luck with this.

@Zen: First Jean-Luc, now George? You’re my hero.

Don’t let yourself be broken. Let him see this. Let him see that you were honest with strangers and that they have all responded to you with advice even if it is all different. You need to be stronger than what you said you were. You need to think about this.
Read back on everything that has been written here and then take an hour this evening for yourself (alone) to think about this; go for a walk or even go to someone’s house and take some time out. Clear your head and see what you are left with.

I am strong but I am also broken. I will do what I have do if it comes to it. But I really want it to work out for our kids. I need to talk to a counselor because a part of me feels like even though we will be living in the same house we need to step back from one another as though we are are just starting out and not have sex for a while.

I just do not know. I want to just live my life take care of my kids and just unplug from all the drama.

I want to go through my day with out constantly feeling like I am being questioned for anything I am doing weather it be on line or just day to day stuff. I just want to be free to be me with out constantly feeling like I have to feel like shit to make the other person feel good about himself.

I am signing off now! I need to breath!

Be well, @dusty – take care.

We’ll be here. Chin up.

:-)

I think that so long as both people are committed to the same outcome to resolve the problem then it is very possible to make things work. – LB

No.

I think your “SO” is just as broken as you and is reacting insanely because he/she doesn’t know what to do at this point. I’m betting that he/she is just as confused and isn’t sure if it’s going to work out.

I guess my “SO” should have thought about the consequences before ****ing with my heart and mind. She/He needs to take a long look in the mirror and also ask themself why would my “SO” act this way when they never had before?

I figured this would not even help. I will need to pour out my heart and mind to a stranger in counseling to find out what I should do. Its clear to me now that I am not allowed to be upset since my “SO” hand told me repeatable times just get over what they did to me and to go get the STD testing so we could just put it all behind us. “LIKE THAT WOULD HELP”! My “SO” forgets much of the things she/he says to me which I find quite convenient and when I do bring up things she/he will say no it was not like this or no I did not say that. I find it quite convenient and it really is starting to piss me off that she/he seems to think this behavior is ok. Part of the reason why the seconded affair even happened with me was becuase I was contacted my my other friend. After that with in a few days I had found out that my husband of nearly 10 years contacted the woman he cheated with multiple times. The one time he forgot to delet his posts to her on you tube. I confronted him and told him that when I told him I wanted no contact between them at all back in Jan he said ok and then he lied and covered it up and lied to me for months. This all went down the first part of June of this year when I found he had contacted her again. I confronted him about his contact and the next day he sent me a message stating he closed his account and then gave me the password to non working youtube account. He had sent me passwords to his accounts months back but I still have not checked them. To me checking up on someone just is no way to live. I never asked for this password nor have I yet checked to see if it was among all his passwords. But I find it quite interesting that he would send the password to a closed account the next day after confronting him. To me it screams he had something to hide and I am guessing there was a lot more contact between him and her on youtube that he does not want me to know about which is why he deleted the account the first chance he had. Now he tells me he gave me the password to his new account that next day but that new youtube account was not created until around Aug of this year almost 2 to 2.5 months later. So after all that happened and my trust for him was questioned yet again I guess my brain really turned off. I went ahead and met with my friend to console him since he was going through the same thing as me and one thing led to another. It was not like I had planned to cheat again after my drunken “Stupid” one night stand. I figured I could live with my sins and wanted to try to work through things. But my husband hunted for stuff to drag out and then spied on me. Well he found it. Today I was talking to a friend on line after talking here and he walked in really fast. I looked totally guilty but I was just seeking advice. I do not feel like I can talk to anyone. So I am guessing my only option at this point is to seek out a professional and stop asking my friends what they would do. I just want to live life and be happy and feel free to be myself with out always feeling like everything I do is being judged. It makes me feel like a child again and it drives me nuts.

I think a dramatic reading is in order.

@breefield what do you mean by that? Dramatic Reading?

I don’t think anyone here can tell you exactly what to do. You need to talk this things over with your significant other, if they don’t understand, or you still feel helpless, get counseling. Many churches (regardless of whether you’re religious or not) offer fantastic counseling.

oh I see!

I plan to seek out some help once we get to where we are headed. My “SO” wants me to make sure to seek help from the same sex because he is afraid I will cheat with my counselor.

I do love him I am just hurting!

@dusty After reading some of the answers here I’m inclined to think that your SO is trying to take advantage of you… Painful as it will be, you might need to end this…

@Breefield LOL4RL at that!

@Saturated_Brain I hate it when people suggest giving up. It’s so weak. Divorce rates are so high these days because couples don’t work through their problems. Yes, there are some serious problems here, but I’m still of the persuasion that all you need is love. Maybe I’m just too old fashioned for this era.

@dusty Your “SO” probably feels that there’s nothing he/she can do or say to make you happy.

@NaturalMineralWater I do not know what to say to my “SO” any more. I find things from time to time not meaning to. Like today I found a account he created to chat with his “affair person” but the account is still active and people are asking to be his friends most of which are women. I do not know what to think any more. It makes me think that he is hiding more from me than what he is letting on and yet he still has the nerve to call me a great liar. I think he needs to take a long look int he mirror and see that all this happened because of “HIM”! I bent over backwards for years trying to make him happy and pouring out my love only to feel like I was taken for granted. My “SO” did admit to me however that he “Never” put himself fully into our marriage from the beginning. Yet he says he did not say this. I am so upset that he hardly ever remembers things he says to me and then calls me a liar. I remember things quite well and when I am wrong I admit it.

I think my “SO” is hiding more from me and I know he thinks the same of me. While he was gone I allowed my girlfriends to use my pc. Big mistake cause they saved nude pic’s of guys they were talking with on my pc. My “SO” thinks I was chatting and getting these pic’s but I am not like that. I kept asking my friends to stop saving photos from the guys they chatted with but they never listened. Well I had cleaned up my pc and thought I had gotten all those photos off months ago. He went threw all my photo and document folders and found things I did not even know were on my pc. He also deleted them so I have no idea what he was looking at. I would have liked to have seen what he was talking about but no such luck. So what he saw is his word against mine and for all I know he could have just said he saw nude photos that really were not there. I am not sure.

I think my “SO” gives up to easy. I tried for over 9 years to make our marriage work with “MAJOR” communication issues to the point where if I asked for help with the kids or to open a jar while I was making dinner was a huge inconvenience to him and he would snap my head off with his words and tone of voice. It made me feel like shit. It got to the point before his affair that I was afraid to even talk to him becuase I felt like every time he spoke to me it was to attack me about debt and money or what ever. I was constantly on edge.

Like I said I need help! I have a lot to talk through with a counselor weather it be female or male.

I feel sad like nothing will change. After I came out with all I did to my “SO” he told me now he has a freebie since I got to be with two different people. He was drunk when he said this but he told me he tells the truth when he is drunk. This way of thinking makes me think he will do it again and I am afraid to love him again the way I did before. Why would I want to set myself up to be hurt so deeply again?

@dusty It’s probably too late in the game for assumptions. You should definitely talk to your “SO” and a counselor. Nobody has any trust left. You have to forgive and start somewhere or it is never going to work.

@NaturalMineralWater ; Thus far all my intuitions about my “SO” have all been true. Do you think that my “SO” is not still hiding information from me that he would know would make me want to walk away? Everyone is right I need to talk to a pro to help me sort of my thoughts and feelings.

@NaturalMineralWater As we can both see, this thing is in some serious trouble. And I’m old-fashioned too, but when one party seems to be taking advantage of their SO and refuses to see it, and when he even wants the SO to see a counsellor of the same sex just so that she won’t get into another affair, there’s so many things wrong.

He seems to be treating @dusty as an object. He wants to toy around with other women, but he doesn’t want her to go and get into another relationship. I don’t know about you, but that just screams possessive to me.

Perhaps they both need to start from the beginning, but from what I can see so much hurt has been inflicted on @dusty already. I’m sure that even old-fashioned people will know when to stop.

To me, @dusty, go to see a pro about this, but if nothing seems to change… Well… You just come back here first…

@Saturated_Brain Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s over.

Both of you are hurting. Both feel betrayed. Both are questioning whether the other really loves them. Both have done something the other blames them for. Both have made mistakes.

If this is ever going to work again, maybe you can both agree to a fresh start. However, for a fresh start to work, you will have to figure out where this distance between you started in the first place. You will have to figure out what you want from each other, and try to see what you are willing to do in order to make the other person happy. To do this, you have to both see a counselor. A couples counselor. One who will create a safe space for you to talk to each other about solving problems without blaming each other for all the problems.

If you continue to blame, you won’t be able to fix this. When my wife and I went into counseling, our therapist had us both accept half the blame. This allowed us to go on to work on our problems. Trust building is a huge, long process, and will take years. My wife and I have been at it for a couple of years, and we are making progress, but we aren’t where we were before.

I think you have some very big obstacles in front of you. I hate to be negative, but it seems to me that you will have a really hard time overcoming those obstacles. If he doesn’t go to counseling with you, unless you are willing to accept a life of misery and mistrust, it probably won’t work. So that’s the first thing. After that, well, we’ll see.

@NaturalMineralWater Intresting. I always have had hope even though my gut says something I always still try. I really hate to give up but I also do not want to spend the rest of my life just accepting the life of misery and mistrust like @daloon stated. I just want to be happy again and I would love a fresh start but I just do not know if you are willing to do something like that.

@dusty Well I’m sure the cat was out of the bag a long time ago with our “true identities”.. but yeah.. just to set the record straight I am the ashole “SO” who went paranoid lunatic. I’ve told @dusty many times that divorce isn’t even an option for me. However, if I can’t make her happy…. I just want her to be happy.. but I’ve been selfish and have failed thus far.

I… I…
Oh no…..

@dusty and @NaturalMineralWater Are you guys for real?

If so, what’s the big deal about going to couples counseling? You can’t display your dirty laundry in public and expect to get anywhere. You are just making it worse. Now you have to justify your positions to a whole fluther audience. Get off fluther and find a counselor!

And if you insist on putting this before a public audience, like some true confessions reality TV show, then you better tell the whole story, sordid affairs and all. Otherwise you’re just jerking us all around with this self-aggrandizing grandstanding.

I’m sorry I ever said anything! I should have known with all that he/she nonsense at the beginning.

@daloon your right. I have no idea what I was thinking trying to get help or to help my “SO’ understand how I feel. I am through with looking from help from any one including my own friends.

I’m inclined to agree with @daloon. Please do something guys. Thrashing it out on an internet forum won’t help.

WELL Talking in person was not helping eighter. I thought I would just try to reach him one last time but you all are right now I just feel ashamed for even trying. Sorry everyone. I should never have even seeked guideance.

It’s find to seek guidance. I just don’t think it’s cool to personalize it.

well I did not mean to personalize it. Honest mistake. Going to leave this place and leave it for my “SO” to use to help others. I have better things to do with my life than to post on here a bunch. I have a internet web business to operate and I will just seek help for myself and marriage or couples counseling.

Your stay was brief but memorable. Come back anytime, @dusty