How can I get to the bottom of this?

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It would be intolerable for me – I am trying to imagine it but can’t.

I don’t have a helpful answer yet, but I am going to consult with some psychotherapists I know, and try to find some modality that might be useful. In the meantime, you have my deep sympathy, and I wish you luck.

I would be feeling very edgy if I had 14yo children so far away and hadn’t heard from them in months, let alone having to worry about their dad’s moods. Have you maintained any connections to extended family who live nearer to them than you do?

I just asked someone about this, and the first thing she wanted to know is if your husband is from a different, patriarchal culture. The ways of dealing with this are different depending upon the answer to that question.

@MagsRags – no, I haven’t- people take sides you know- I don’t think they go see anybody that I would talk to…..

@pdworkin we are small town australian-

@trailsillustrated Didn’t you say that your daughter was coming to live with you? What’s happening with that?

@janbb I’m treading lightly and trying to negociate that with her dad- he wants her to travel on her aussie passport and I don’t understand why; I got her us citizenship when they lived here before, so I have to send him all these forms etc. to re-new her us passport, I just want to get her over here, I’m afraid he’ll talk her into not coming

What country is “halfway around the world” from you? What nationality is your ex-husband?

Moods, of course, are associated with bipolar disorder, and sudden rages are one of the symptoms of that disorder. But they could also be symptoms of any number of other things. Also, paranoia is a symptom of bipolar disorder, as well as other mental illnesses, like schizophrenia.

I don’t know why you are halfway around the world from your children, but that will play into what you can do about this. Do you have any friends or any other ways of communicating with them? Do you have any legal rights to your children? Do they ever visit you?

Did you ex go to the doctor? What was the result of that?

If your ex is mentally ill, then you have a difficult path in front of you. His paranoia will make it difficult to gain his cooperation. You may have to go visit your children (if you have the right to do that) in order to make sure their living circumstances are ok.

But the first thing to do is to attempt to communicate with them, or to find out more about what is going on. If you have a friend, or even a relative of your ex that you can talk to, you can express your worries, and see what you can find out. I suppose you could even call children’s protective services to get them checked on, or the police, if worst comes to worst, but I would try very hard to find other ways of gathering information before I resorted to that.

@daloon is a long long story- from what I understand he did go. He was medicated when here but went off of it. (prozac). I am going in January.

I have been talking and thinking a lot about this, and the main problem I see is that you have no idea if the kids have any privacy – he may be monitoring everything you and they say to one another, so the first thing that comes to mind is an alternate form of communication that doesn’t involve his computer, which could be keylogged.

Do they have access to cell phones? Because the only straight answers you are going to get will be from your kids.

I have her cell number. They always sound very guarded when I talk to them on the phone. My son was very open and honest with me when we used to talk on messenger- I just checked their internet account it hasn’t been used at all since end of September- up to then I was constantly having to reload data blocks for them . I just don’t know what to think

Oh, man. Well, maybe you can do a video conference call when he’s not around. Is there a time when he’s at work, but they are home from school?

Are you able to text with your daughter currently by phone?

In a question you asked a while ago you sounded as if this was fairly regular between the two of you. Wouldn’t this give her the privacy she may not have in an actual call with him listening in?

Are you in the US or Australia currently?

Thanks, @Buttonstc, GA. How could I have forgotten texting?

If I had not encountered her in a previous exchange I probably wouldn’t have thought of it ether since I don’t use texting at all in my own life.

When I first found out about it and how prevalent it is amongst the young I remember asking a friend of mine why a phone call wouldn’t be a lot simpler. I was hard pressed to think of any occasion when I would prefer it over phoning. The only scenario I could possibly imagine was if I were a hostage in a bank robbery and needed to contact help silently. I had recently seen a TV show with that scenario.

So this situation here is only the second one in which I can imagine myself ever using texting :)

Well, I hope it’s feasible for the OP.

@Buttonstc,@pdworkin- I’m in the us, I know how to text to there- I’m going to try it if I can find her number-it just seems so wierd that a 14 year old would let a dad read her emails- when I asked her about it, she said she thought ‘he should see them” ....by the way, thankyou…

If she really allowed it, it’s a better scenario than if he snooped. But the twin broken computers sounds hinky to me. Too much of a coincidence.

thats what I think. And my son is an internet freak. I could just sue him for custody, I know I would win, after all this time, and I have way more money than him, but I want them to see me or come here on their own, wanting to on their own. I just wish I could find a way to get them to tell me if anything is going on, I’m worried that they might be so brainwashed or scared to tell me…...

I guess we are in kind of adjacent boats: in my case, ex-wife is very wealthy, and I have zip, so she controls visitation heavily, and uses it to punish or extort. My kids are 12, soon they will be able to come here on their own. It’s only a 2-hour train ride.

But it’s killing me, and yours are so far! Lord, I don’t know how you manage.

The old fashioned way is to ask to speak to each of your children by phone after exchanging some cordiality with your ex. If the kids are comfortable to talk, they’ll tell you- you can simply ask if they can talk or are able to call you at a more discreet time.

@pdworkin you would not believe how they were used to punish and extort before they left. It really really broke me in two. I just want them to be happy, where ever they are, and if they express that they are not, and want to be with me, I will do anything to make it happen.