Do you have a step/half sibling that isn't part of your life and if so, do you feel like something is missing?

I have a step-step-son that I no longer ever see (he was my husband’s step-son from his first marriage, who he raised when his wife and the boy’s mother died). He did a Midnite Flit and left me with a $900 bill for electricity, and is still too ashamed to let us see his face, even though we have sent a variety of messages that in essence say “All is forgiven. Come home.”

We have tried to fix things, but he keeps two steps ahead of us, so we now simply hope he will pick up the phone one day or drop by the house. We do know a bit about what is going on in his life because folks that know both him and us give us bits of news every now and then (the kids have all graduate from high school, he and his wife got divorced because she went to jail again, and so on).

Yes, we live happily without seeing him, although periodically we wonder how he is doing and get a bit morose over it. However, he is an adult and we tried to mend fences, so now the ball is in his court.

I had a similar situation. My parents divorced when I was one and I guess there was visitation with my dad for a year or so, but I don’t remember any of it. I “met” him when I was 21 and met my three half-siblings at the same time.

It was weird and it still is. You can’t make up 21 years. We have a nice enough relationship, but it is nothing along the lines of parent/child and our contact is infrequent. My half-siblings and I hardly speak at all. We like each other well enough, but we don’t live near each other and it’s just strange to feel like I have to be all that a sister entails toward people I barely know. I imagine they feel the same.

It was healing in so many ways. I always wondered about him and my mom often said I was a lot like him, though not in any flattering way. I met him and instantly understood myself better than ever before. I look like him, have many of his mannerisms and health challenges. All of the things that made me question my place in my family because I was so different finally fit. The pieces of ME fell into place and I finally felt like I understood myself.

Also, much of the conflict between my mom and me has been replaced with a better relationship. I was so bitter about her taking me away from him, never discussing things with me, and only speaking poorly of him. I met him and, though I like him, was immediately thankful that my mom did not let me grow up with that life.

written post-ambien, please excuse typos and general idiocy

I have two “half-siblings” and one “full sibling”. I really find those terms arbitrary as they all feel like my siblings, period. One of my “half-siblings” I have shared a life with. The other I see probably once a year or more like once every two years. I still love her dearly and would not trade the time I do get to spend with her. I also had a falling out with my father. That sibling, my younger sister, is his child. Luckily her mother was my step-mother for awhile and kept in touch with us after we fell out with my father.

I would suggest that you try and develop a relationship with your siblings once you feel strong enough only because I find it is very rewarding in my own life. However if you never feel strong enough then that is okay too. You don’t have to do it because you feel it is expected of you.

Dealing with the father issues however could be very complicated and emotional, possibly even traumatic. I understand what it is like to think of all the scenarios and to wonder if it could be “fixed”. I really don’t have the answer for this. I suggest if you do try it out then you get a good therapist to join you in this. They are a wonderful resource and you can find them at all costs for all income levels.

@RedPowerLady I agree with your theory on the terms step/half siblings. I technically don’t have a full sibling but my brother and sister that my mother had with my step dad I consider to be my complete and full siblings. I never introduce them as “half”. I suspect I would have felt the same about my dad’s other children also if I had kept in touch with thy side of the family.

I have a step sister, whom I grew up with – I consider her my “sister” sister. She is a worthless human being, incapable of picking herself up from the ground, despite numerous efforts from my family and I.

No, I don’t feel like anything is missing.

Something very odd but similar happened in my family too. My mother and father were high school sweethearts, but my mother moved out of state when she was 18, and they broke up. Both married other people, and my mother had my oldest brother, but my father had no children. Eventually, both parents divorced, but managed to find each other again and get married and have my brother and I. For the longest time, my older brother (who is 17 years my senior) was in my life; he was at our house for many holidays, breaks, etc. while he was in college and law school. I never considered him, or even called him my half-brother; he was always just ‘my brother.’ We were all pretty close until about the time he married my sister-in-law. Now we barely speak, and there is a lot of drama around how he acts toward our mother.

It’s a strange thing, that’s for sure, but I wouldn’t necessarily say I feel like something is missing. I do miss the way things used to be, and I know the lack of contact, and friendly contact at that, is painful for my mom, but I started to feel like he wasn’t really interested in my life after he didn’t come to my high school graduation. He even has a two year old son that I’ve never met, and I’ve only seen my three and a half year old nephew twice. I was actually considering asking a fluther question to see what insight other jellies might be able to offer about the situation, because my whole family is at a loss for where the angst is coming from.

Another thing I can add which may be helpful is how I handled the initial contact. Mom had her story about why they divorced and how he signed away his rights to me. He had his story and swore he never did any such thing. Back and forth over everything. So, I ordered all of the court documents pertaining to their divorce and my adoption by my first stepfather. I called them each on a couple of things, but there were always semi-plausible explanations.

Then I said “Fuck it.” I will never know what happened between these two people who have tried to forget it even happened at all. This pieces of this puzzle don’t have to fit. I need to focus on how I want my adult relationship with each one to be and that meant leaving the past in the past. Period.

@ItalianPrincess1217 I’m glad someone gets it! I hear the “half” introductions all the time. I would never even consider that.

you know, i have a half brother, and it kind of sounds heartless, but i really don’t see him except for the holidays. so, no. i really don’t feel he’s missing in my life or that i miss him a lot.

@ItalianPrincess1217 That’s so sad! I have a half brother and sister who are much younger than me. I never got along with my stepmom, but when they were babies/ toddlers I lived in the house with them when I was a teenager. I’m really glad whenever I get to see them, and makes me want to have a better relationship with my stepmom. I saw my dad and my little brother tonight, and it was great ^.^

Our parents married 40 years ago and from the beginning 1 stepsister was not interested in going beyond polite, attending family gatherings related to her blood family but always too busy to come to our weddings etc. A second stepsister lives on the other side of the world and not able to come home often because of the money. The folks visited them. We had a greeting card relationship. She had visited a few months before my Dad died so couldn’t afford to come back so my brothers and I arranged for her to come back because Mom needed her.

A third sister is my age and we had been friends in the early years but I moved 50 miles away and we led very different lives but always saw each other when I visited our parents. For Mom’s 80th birthday I wanted to throw a party for as many of us who could get together which we hadn’t done since Dad died. I found out that step 3 was not speaking to Mom. She not only refused to attend but she wouldn’t allow her daughters and their families to attend she also vented about my Dad’s care in his last illness and the fact that I had stayed with Mom for a week after a hospitalization. Mom had her party with 20 stepchildren and grandchildren and later made up with her daughter. Although I reached out to my stepsister with my usual Christmas gift, she has not acknowledges me in 4 years.

My father was married before and had seven children with his first wife. Some of them grew up in our house. I have little contact with one of them and none with the rest. Most of the kids from dad’s first marriage hated him for leaving and used him bad (including the ones that lived with us). One of his sons, who was ten years older than me, used to torment me – BAD.

I would have been much happier not to have known them at all.

Someone who is related to me that I am interested in finding out about is a half-sister. Twelve years after my father passed away, my sister asked me if I would be interested in some of my dad’s things – she was going to throw it out. I looked through the trunk and found no less than fifty letters that my dad received from a young lady he was seeing before he married my mom. I read the letters and put them in chronological order. I was surprised to see that she conceived a child with my father, but it was apparent that my father had stopped writing her back. She disclosed in a final letter that the baby girl was given up for adoption. I would at least like to know what became of her.

Advice: Don’t miss out on living, now.
Don’t fantasize a life that could be or could have been. I am not trying to be a party-pooper, but realistic. All reunions are not happy ones.

This needs a setup. That being: my father is going to be 71 in under a month.

I have 3 half brothers and one half sister old enough to be my parents. In fact I have a niece only a few months younger than me. And the oldest of those siblings is slightly older than my mom.
One half sister 5 years older and one half sister 1 year younger.
Full sister then brother 4 and 7 years younger, respectively.

I’ve had regular contact with all of them over the years, although with decreasing frequency. And to be honest, I don’t feel like I would have missed anything had I never met them. They haven’t really contributed much to life lessons, values, notable experiences, morals etc. They haven’t really had any direct influence in how I view things. They’ve had indirect influence in teaching me about my father. None of those lessons positive.
They’re Alright but only one has ever impressed me, and even that was rare.

@TitsMcGhee I think I need a diagram or cast of characters or scorecard or something! Actually, it seems like that would help with a lot of your situations.

“Blended families,” I think, is an official term for this. It sounds like blending also comes with “unblending.” Life sure is complex!

@daloon: That’s the funny part about it; my family is actually relatively simple (haha, see what I did there?). My immediate family, with whom I lived, is my mother, father, and one brother (now 23 y.o.). My half brother is on my mom’s side (now 36 y.o.), and he has a wife and two children. There is just so much drama between my oldest brother and my mom, through no fault of her own, if I may say so myself. It’s permeated to the rest of the family enough to the point that, on my birthday, he sent me a message to wish me a good day, and he felt the need to make a comment about how he doesn’t want me to think he’s mad at me, because he’s only mad at my mom. It’s very odd, and I don’t like anyone being mad at anyone, especially since he is so awful at articulating why he’s upset at all. The fact that we live, quite literally, on opposite sides of the country doesn’t help either.

No, but my step-daughter has 2 brothers from her father that she rarely sees, because of conflict with her father’s wife. She has warned her sons to have no contact with my s.d. It hurts my s.d. deeply.

I absolutely feel like something is missing. I have 3 half sibs and want to know them, but they weren’t told about me growing up as I was…so they are resentful. After confronting our father with their news, they were told lies and now after we’ve talked, it’s very awkward for all of us. I feel like something is missing and that if our father was not an idiot we could have been close. It’s sad.