Does social anxiety affect how you feel about potential partners?

I’m not sure if this is a direct result of your social anxiety or fear of rejection but I do know exactly what you mean. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It’s true. But nobody ever mentions the part about when they’re near, you want nothing more than for them to be gone again. I guess that doesn’t really answer your question. Ok, let me try…maybe you just like the IDEA of him. Maybe on paper he seems like the perfect guy for you but in person the chemistry just isn’t there?

to quote undercover brother “don’t put the pussy on a pedestal…” apply appropriate organ where needed

That’s so weird, but I feel the same way sometimes. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes being around the person can be intimidating… it can make you feel less hopeful that it will actually work out. Whenever I feel less than hopeful about a crush, I start to like the person a little less; maybe it’s my brain subconsciously softening the blow for me or something.

Or maybe this dude has some flaws, and they’re just more noticeable when you’re around him?

@ItalianPrincess1217 – That’s the best answer I can come up with too. I go back and forth on this because I think he IS my idea but… maybe not the full manifestation of it? Maybe I am looking for more?

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 – I’m assuming you mean I shouldn’t put him on a pedestal… that is true, I shouldn’t. But that’s part of social anxiety – everyone is intimidating, especially those I find attractive. The question is how to I get him down from that pedestal…?

@Haleth – That is the perfect way to describe it – I became less hopeful. When we hung out just the two of us, I couldn’t tell if I was anxious and unable to be myself because of SA or because there’s genuinely no chemistry… because the former happens to me very often with people. And yes, maybe he has flaws – but I’m also very critical of myself, so I project that on other people as well. So again, is it me or him? Damnit!

Lack of chemistry. I had a coworker who was amazingly hot and has a wonderful personality and sense of morals, and I’ve thought of her every day for the two years since I’ve known her. We’ve gone to lunch, dinner, social events, yoga, etc., have deep discussions and are pretty good friends. We no longer work together, but we still socialize, even go out of town together. I would like nothing more than to be with her…until we are face to face. There’s just nothing there. I can’t imagine being in a romantic relationship with her. Weird.

@lostinyoureyes I think a lot of people tend to dream up these wonderful and romantic relationships with what we consider to be the perfect partner, but in reality when face to face, that “perfect” partner falls short of your expectations. It’s disappointing.

@lostinyoureyes It sounds like it’s you, not him, from the way you describe it. I sometimes feel intimidated by other people, even my close friends. Are there any social situations where you do feel comfortable? Especially ones where you have a high social value? Try to hang out with him at times like this, or just on days where you’re feeling and looking your best. It’s hard to mentally overhaul yourself, but if you can start off small by being around him when you’re feeling well, it might take some anxiety out of the situation. Then you can see him in a more objective light.

@Haleth – That’s really, really great advice, thanks. It’s going to be hard to do this just because we have very separate lives and I’m pretty sure I gave him the idea that I’m not that into him. I’ll try to think of something.

There’s an old joke about the perfect date being someone who comes when you call, fucks you blind, then turns into a pizza.

Honestly, it sounds like you can find someone who is a better match—who will drive you crazy when they are around and when they’re gone. Where by “drive you crazy”, I mean “make you want to spend eternity with them”.

I originally thought this was a very different question and I’m going to give my answer to that one too in case it helps—my partner makes me better able to face social situations. Neither of us particularly likes them, they tend to make us anxious and nervous, but if we’re together we can do them and have fun because we know we’re there to support each other and help one another escape if necessary.

@lostinyoureyes yeah I saw an excuse to drop that line, I had to to take it.

but in serious, it happens to a lot of people, at least a lot that I know, some of them who have got over it a little bit said that just getting used to being around someone else helps a lot, you don’t get quite nervous, you say what’s on your mind more, etc.

I do that now and then.
When they are not around, you disengage with reality. Wishful thinking kicks in.
They become what you remembered they looked like, smelled like and acted like.
All softened up in your mind. Peoples “flaws” are only flaws when being applied in a real environment..

When they are in front of you. They have bad breath, crudies in their eyes and cant complete a coherent sentence.
Your always hoping (fantasizing) that it was a one time experience. Until they show up again, and nothing changed.

That really sucks when you want it to work. There is a “connection”. But you cant get past their anomalies.

@lostinyoureyes Thanks! Without knowing the nature of your relationship, it’s hard to say when it would be an appropriate time for you to see him again. But I’d suggest getting together a group of friends for some kind of fun gathering, then casually invite the guy along, as you would a friend. (I think I saw another post by you… you’re having trouble coming out of your shell? Are there any acquaintances that you want to get to know better? This could be a perfect way to get closer to some new people.)

It’s totally innocuous and lets you test the waters with this guy, and if he can’t make it it’s no big deal, because you will still be having a fun time. This means you can have less anxiety about asking him out than if your whole plans for the night depended on him, as in a one-on-one date. It lets other people see you together, so you can get a second opinion on whether this is just a problem with your chemistry.

You’re probably giving him the impression that you’re not too into him because you’re nervous around him. I would do the exact same thing, and not be able to help it, to keep from getting my feelings hurt. You don’t have to flirt with him or make it clear that you’re necessarily interested in dating yet. Just be warm and friendly toward him, and show that you like him as a person, at this stage. That will make him more comfortable around you, because it sounds like you might be purposely being cold to him so he won’t suspect anything about your feelings. If you can start hanging out with him just like he’s any other friend, you’ll get more comfortable around him.

Chemistry means a lot and can go a long way.. Go with the flow… It may be because of you social anxiety but you will know if the chemistry is there! Good luck!