I would like some advice on how to confront my boyfriend on cheating?

as in (text) messages?

no, email. & mail like post office mail. there were text messages though.

Are you spying on him?

Look, if you’re insecure in the relationship, then you need to talk to him about that. What he is doing with other women is just a symptom. Focus on your relationship, and don’t worry about his other relationships. How he behaves with you is what is important, not what he does when he isn’t with you.

You’re insecure with him. What’s that all about?

Boys and girls are allowed to talk. There isn’t always something sexual…

edit: you SHOULD confront him regarding his use of standard mail instead of email, text, IM, etc. That’s straight-up creepy.

Yes. He asked me to delete his email account and i did but i guess i did spy when i checked his sent items. And i did spy when i checked his text messages. Well, i am a spier. He’s just really secretive. i tell him everything and he doesn’t tell me anything. I am not sure why i’m insecure around him. Maybe because i have my cards all laid out and he still has his poker face.

@Sarcasm great edit. I was thinking the same thing. Especially for a guy
@ruk_d If you’re questioning some part of the relationship’s stability, then it’s time you walked…what good does spying do?

He is looking to fill a void in his life. You apparently are not enough.

If he is doing it without out your knowledge, ask him.
He will either have a whopper of an excuse or will lie.

He is your BF. That should not be going on. Unless you have no problem with it.

He’s secretive. You don’t trust him. Gee, sounds like a match made in heaven.~

How old are you and how long have you been with this guy?

Listen to @ChazMaz

If you don’t know what he thinks about you, and he knows what you are thinking, then please address that directly with him. I know it’s hard, because you’re afraid that if you push him, you might push him right out the door.

Ask yourself: are you willing to let him stay separate from you just to be in a relationship with him? If not, then you have to talk to him about it, scary as it is. Tell him what you want. Ask him if he is the guy to give that to you. Tell him that you want him to make you feel more secure. Tell him specifically what it will take to make you feel secure. It’s up to him. Put up or get out. If he isn’t willing to do what you need from him, then you have to re-evaluate your desire to be in a relationship with him.

I hope you will not be with a guy who walks all over you. I hope he isn’t walking all over you, and this is just a misunderstanding. I urge you to be brave and figure it out openly, not by spying. That’s just no good.

He probably isn’t cheating, but you’re both behaving in ways that are not helping the relationship. You’re insecure about the relationship, which led you to spy on his text messages and e-mail. He’s just going to be more secretive and defensive the more you spy on him, because he is wants to avoid issues like these. He’s also being inconsiderate by not doing anything about your concerns. The best way to solve this problem is that you need to stop spying, and he needs to be more open with you about other girls that he knows. Each of you needs to give in a little.

I’ve been in the reverse situation, having an ex who spied on my e-mails and text messages. I wasn’t cheating on him or giving him any cause to worry other than having male friends, which he already knew about (!), but his insecurities and invasive attitude made me question the relationship. I never thought of cheating or leaving him before this behavior started- it definitely put me on the defensive and made me feel uncomfortable around him. In the end, I went to someone else for a shoulder to cry on, which was probably something he was afraid of. I ended up leaving him, which he was definitely afraid of, because he was so afraid of me leaving him.

Did the contents of anything you saw suggest cheating? Or is it the fact that he is communicating with other females bothering you?

If the answer to the first question is yes I would dump him. If the answer to the second question is yes you are going to have a very hard life until you can get over your insecurities.

I’m a guy. I have a girlfriend. I chat with Allie damn near everyday, sometimes for hours. We are just friends that spend a lot of time discussing grilled cheese sandwiches and The Amazing Race. Nothing sexual going on there. She even just mailed me a b-day present. My girlfriend commented that Allie has nice handwriting.

The fact that he’s communicating with females and doesn’t mention it bothers the hell out of me.

@Sarcasm lol

@ruk_d How old are the two of you?

i am 19 and he will be 19 this friday. the 23rd.

“He probably isn’t cheating”
Possibly, but a recipe for disaster.

“In the end, I went to someone else for a shoulder to cry on, which was probably something he was afraid of.”
That is what happens when you are in a relationship and have friends of the opposite sex.

“Friends” are important, but they should not come before the relationship.

Do you tell him about every male you’re in contact with?
Was there anything found in your spying that leads you to believe he’s cheating, or is the problem really that he has female friends?

@ruk_d If you’re both in college or even jobs, at your age, it seems normal…let me rephrase that…completely normal for you both to be talking to members of the opposite sex w/out telling one another.

its not normal when he doesn’t tell me about, right? when he tries to hide it?

RIght!
Even if you scare him for some reason.
Preventing him from being honest.

and yea we’re both in community college and have jobs

@ruk_d Maybe he feels it’s necessary to hide female friendships with you because you are the jealous type.
(I’m married and I wouldn’t even consider checking out my husband’s emails or texts. Period.)

thanks ChazMaz

He’s getting letters and asking you to delete his email? Not only is he a douche, sounds like he ain’t too bright either.

okay, your right about me being the jealous type. i don’t know when this started. All i know he’s not helping the situation with not telling me anything. and i guess i’m not either. so wats the solution to my problem. stop checking his emails. stop caring if he does cheat.

haah…. i know. well, look this is what he said about me deleting his email. ” Please delete my account because i don’t want it to come between us in the future.” then after that little comment i had to see what the hell he thought was going to get in between. and i saw messages between him and his ex girlfriend and some other chick.

It sounds to me like your relationship with him is toxic.

First of all, is he worth fighting for? If not, just dump him.

If he is, then sit down and discuss what you expect out from this relationship. If you want him to be exclusive, and he’s looking to sew wild oats, he’s not for you.

i think he is worth something. i want to work it out.

@ruk_d you could start by telling him that…however, if he is not being truthful, then there’s no way to figure out if he’s just saying things to appease your qualms.

He had you delete his account in case there would be something he wanted to hide in his emails? Seriously? Is he a moron?

And what did the messages say? It matters.

You seem annoyed that he didn’t tell you about these communications… do you really want him to say “By the way, Susie emailed me today”?

Listen, I don’t know you and it doesn’t sound like your story is particularly logical. But it sounds like you’re projecting your jealousy on to him. He’s a person who is allowed to communicate with other people.

thats a good one.

jealousy doesn’t feel logical. its really distorted and exaggerated emotions. this is the first i have ever felt so damn silly in a relationship. i try to put it aside and forget about it. let it go but it just keeps stinging in the back of my head that he could be doing something and i’m just the faithful fool. but i’m goin to let it go. if i try hard enough i can do anything. and i think he is just saying things to please me. all i know is that i would rather hear a nasty truth than a pretty lie. fuck this jealousy shit. i will speak to him tonight.

If your inner voice is telling you something isn’t right, then probably something isn’t.

Confront him, then figure out what’s best for you. Not the relationship, just YOU. You’ve got enough going on with school and work. You don’t need to expend your energy on drama and jealousy.

i want to speak to him to tonight about it for the last time. i will stop talking about it after that. only time can tell if he is meant for me.

You are not married and have no social or spritual commitment towards each other. You are both free to do what you want and none of it can be considered cheating.

Is he honestly being secretive or are you being overly snoopy causing him to get irritated/concerned?
The pendulum swings in multiple directions. Have any of your actions maybe been the catalyst to his behavior?

If you keep this up the choice of maintaining a relationship with him might soon be out of your hands.

I have never cheated on anyone (ever) and I have been snooped at and accused of doing it. I run far away as fast as I can.

Whether he is really cheating in real life or only in your imagination, the problem stays the same. You say you feel he is not committed enough to the relationship, that he does not communicate or keep to himself too much. Seeing him communicate with other women (whether it’s just friendly or more than that) probably only makes your insecurities worse. This relationship is not healthy and you two need to figure out a way to communicate, for him to open up, and trust each other again. Otherwise the jealous feelings won’t go away, but he will.

I hope you are speaking the truth that you think he is worth fighting for, because there is a lot of work that needs to be put in your relationship. I have no doubt you are willing to fight for it, I hope he does too.

I didn’t really address the question, did I? What I mean is you don’t have to confront him about the cheating per say, but rather about the imbalance in your relationship. His commitment needs to be raised, yours lowered, or it should end right then and there.

I really do hope you are overreacting (which is perfectly fine in this situation, it shows you care) and get him to open up.

He’s probably not telling you because he’s neither married to you, nor are you his mother.