Have you ever done anything, or had something happen to you, that would qualify you for a spot on America's Funniest Home Video?

(As an aside, I can’t believe some of the stuff people have done, that they allow others to see. Would you want the nation to see you dancing on a table, sloppy drunk, and falling off?)

Anyway, the one thing that comes to mind for me is this: I was vacuuming along a hallway, minding my own business, la de dah. The hall was long and narrow, with a bathroom at the very end of it….la de dah…...AND SUDDENLY there was a black DEMON BAT FROM HELL screaming through the air RIGHT AT ME!! Right at chest level!! It had FANGS, and it had CLAWS, and it was flapping, flapping its hideously clawed and fanged wings as it rushed at me!! It was moving unbelievably, supernaturally fast!! I didn’t have time to react and it was going to get me and KILL ME AND TAKE ME TO HELLl!! But just before it got me, it suddenly took a dive…and POOF! disappeared into my vacuum cleaner!!!!! The whole thing happened in a split second, and was just a blur of horrifying impressions of wings flapping and fangs dripping and claws reaching. I JOMPED back about 10 feet in one crazy leap and stood there staring in terror at my vacuum cleaner! Now, I am a very logical, reasonable person. My friends call me Spock. But that damn DEMON BAT brought forth every superstition mankind has ever invented, and every ghost story, every horror flick, everything I had planted my head, all collided explosively in that one split second in time! I was absolutely terrified! My vacuum cleaner was POSSESSED!!!

….............................Finally, the pounding of my heart started to subside, and I thought, “There IS a logical explanation for this. Ok. (deep breath) First, I shall turn the vacuum off…. GOD NO!!! DON’T DO THAT!!! IT’LL CRAWL BACK OUT!!!” ......... Pause. Another deep breath….I finally inched up and turned the vacuum off, and jumped back again, and stood at a safe distance staring at it some more. Nothing happened. I cautiously tip toed up to it, and knocked it over and jumped back again, of course. (Duh I’m not stuped. Demon bats play dead sometimes, then get you when your guard’s down!) Part of me fully expected to see blood and guts and bone and gore…but there was nothing to see.
Finally I creeped up to it and peered inside and saw…....

Fishing line, wrapped around the beater brush. And something…(Was is a claw??) sticking out. I poked it. No reaction. Well, that’s because it was plastic and plastic doesn’t react unless it is acted on by and equal an opposite force. This calmed me all the way down, so I took everything apart…......

Sigh. Want to give your loved ones a heart attack this Halloween? Want to get them sinners back in the fold? Start with one of those flexible black plastic hair clip things. The ones that unhook so that they are a straight line, then wrap around your hair and hook into a circle. They are mostly made of sharp “teeth” to grab the hair. Unclip it so it is straight. Tie a piece of invisible fishing line RIGHT in the middle and run the line about 20 feet down the hall. Grab your video camera. Send your sinner or loved one to vacuum. When the vacuum catches that line, it’ll jerk the hair clip up into the air, at about waist high, and if the fishing line is centered, it’ll cause the damn thing to flex and flap!! It’s moving at about 200 miles and hour and then it’ll dive into the vacuume cleaner! And I guarantee you, your loved one’s reaction will get you a spot on AFV!! Which will pay for the divorce.