Why is it so hard to have a normal discussion between parent and teens?

Why do teens always argue with their parents?

Teens are trying to be adults, they’re developing their independence. At the same time adults know that their teens still lack some of the judgment that they will develop with age and are trying to prevent them from making some of the same mistakes they did. Oil and water.

I’m not raising a teen yet. However, I see the same difficulties with parents and their toddlers. We have open communication with our 4yr old. I expect to always keep that line of communication as open as possible.

Personally, I think raising your child begins at birth. You can’t brush your kid’s thoughts and emotions aside just due to the fact that they’re “childish” or “immature”. It takes patience and fore-thought to help a child grow into a proper adult.

In doing much of reading on brain development, it appears that two year olds and thirteen year olds have much in common. They are both growing physically and emotionally at astonishing rates and are trying to grasp their independence. Teens have the added bonus of peak hormone levels added into this equation, which sends rationality out the window.

In other words, if a parent couldn’t handle their kid(s) at the age of two, there’s little proof they’ll be able to address the needs of their teen(s).

It depends on all of things really. It can be a culture clash, value clash, religion crash, and many others. More than anything- it’s the mindsets that parents & teens have. Both are the ones that are “right.” Once a teen starts growing up, they find it easier to have a normal conversation with their parents, because they become more understanding as individuals.

I think much of the conflict stems from the teenager already considering themselves an adult while their parents still consider them a child. The teenager feels belittled when the parents don’t treat them like an equal and the parents feel the teenager is crossing a line when they try to behave like their equal.
The parents have become used to the idea that you’re a child during the past decade and a half. It’s difficult enough for them on itself to come to terms with their child becoming an adult, but on top of that, the teen usually starts wanting to be considered an adult way too early.

This is from the teenager’s perspective. I was one three years ago. I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent, save what reason and imagination can tell me.

I don’t think that’s always true. I had wonderful conversations with my sons when they were teenagers. Not always, of course, there were times of stress, but I have always respected their opinions and listened to them and tried to be open and honest with them. I try to acknowledge and work on my own “stuff,” that is the garbage and expectations that I bring to the relationship, and at leaast try to see where they are coming from.

We certainly had our painful times, but love and mutual growth were ultimately the outcome of our talks. Letting go and realizing that you are not all-knowing is hard for a parent; it is a process just like the teenager’s path to adulthood is.

Well, it’s a two way street. Sometimes teens can be horribly rude! You know, the rolling of the eyeballs, talk to the hand, all that stuff. Well, when you know someone very, very well, and they are rude like that, you don’t have a problem calling them on it.

Often when you try to talk to a teen about a potential problem they can get very defensive, rather than listening.(ie: “Running away from home is not a good idea. A lot of bad things can happen.”
“Oh mutherrrr!! You’re clueless! You have no idea what you’re talking about!”)

They really can’t fathom that you were once a teenager yourself, therefore you have no idea what they’re feeling. (My favorite…my 16 year old daughter said she liked it when boys whistle at her. I told her I’d always hated it. She said, “Mother! Nobody’s ever whistled at you!” sigh.)

I tried really hard to keep my cool with my teens, but….they’re fluctuating emotionally, and aren’t always real rational. I mean, I’m the same Mom I always was, and my relationship with my now-adult kids (Lord, where did the time go) is very good, and very different from when they were teenagers.

Both sides need to be patient,respectful, and try to really listen, and talk.

Establishing an open, honest, positive relationship in a child’s early life can really make a lot of difference when the terrible teens begin.

I think most conflict comes from parents trying to maintain an ever ebbing control and teens think they know-it-all and don’t need parental guidance.

Parents need to actually listen to their kids and kids need to realize that they still need their parents for more than money and a ride.

I don’t have a teenager yet, but very soon after the birth of my child I thought to myself, man, I was a real jerk when I was a teenager. I never would have thought that at the time. I’m quite convinced that no one understands what parents go through until they are one, let alone when they are a teenager. Parents expect a little respect for all they have done for their children over the year. That shouldn’t be too much to ask, but when it meets head to head with a teenager’s need for independence, the sparks can fly.

I pretty much agree with @Fyrius. I think a lot of it stems from the teenager feeling as if they are equal to an adult and the parents feeling as if they are not. This creates a lot of issues with understanding and I know that the majority of arguments with my parents stemmed from things like this. Another issue is simply the fact that parents and their kids are from completely different times. My parents are from the 1960s-1970s, I’m from the 2000s. Completely different times to be a kid in and the differences between the experiences can create problems as well. Yes, the core elements to being a teenager are the same, but other things aren’t and sometimes the misunderstanding remains.

However, my relationship with my parents has always been quite good and I rarely find it difficult to have a normal discussion with them. My mom is like a friend to me; we have a lot in common and always a lot to talk about. (Yes, I’m closer to my mom than to my dad, but I’m relatively close to both, which is good).

I also think that too much one “side” tries to blame the other. The teens think that it’s the parents who don’t understand anything and the parents think their kids don’t understand anything. The “blame game” crap makes things worse. I agree with @Val123, BOTH sides need to be patient, respectful, and try to talk and listen.

I am 18 and I plan on having kids later in life.

@Val123 I laughed so hard hahaha -‘nobody ever whistled at you’ haha – what a great answer i loved it

@trailsillustrated I know, LOL! But that’s about it in a nut shell! She flat couldn’t fathom that her Mom used to be HOT! Still was actually, at the time she made that comment. Hail, I earned a PhD in “How to avoid advances.” That’s the generation gap right there. It’s not all on the parent’s side.

my teen age daughter is coming to live with me I’ve been poopin my pants with fear- ah hahahaha made me feel ever so much better…

My son is 18, and we have resumed more normal conversations recently. However, there was a period of a few years where he would just get so defensive at anything I said for no reason… he even admitted that it was irrational and that he couldn’t explain or control why he’d get so stressed when I’d try to talk to him.

Because I’ve been a single mother since he was nearly 6, he and I are very close. He’s always been more tightly wound than I am, so I never felt a need to get on his case about stuff. I mostly just voice my point of view and concerns so he knows my position and reasoning.

I think he was going through the hormonal fluctuations and the normal teen angst that goes along with it, and he was stressed about wanting to not disappoint me. It seemed that whenever an issue did arise that I needed to address with him, his anxiety would bubble over. He’d start hollering at me to chill, when I’d been calm all along and he’s the one freaking out; so I’d reflexively laugh, which would piss him off, so it was a downward spiral. I hope those days are behind us now!

Because a parent will look at their teenage years in hindsight with the experience of what they have done in their lives and so it seems different, whereas the teenager is only looking in the present.

I think a lot of the time, both sides are not listening to what the other is saying, they’re listening for what they expect to hear – both positive and negative. When they hear the negative they jump all over it.

Out of control hormones.

The fault is in no single place. Teens, as we all know, are continually trying to assert their independence as a result of increased power (inherent to developing intelligence) combining with the toddler’s dream of being a “big boy/girl now”. Parents can often lack understanding and patience, and many suffer from separation anxiety when they see their children engaging in activities that are risky.

Thankfully I have always had a good relationship with my parents, and although I never tell them everything, they are always good to talk to when I need it.

Encouragement. You know how to tell when your teen needs encouragement…...If they are breathing.

If you can remember what it was like to be a teen…or what it is like (for some) at the job to be hounded for every wrong thing you do: “you’re late, get going, what were you thinking, don’t do that, that’s awful….” After a while, it becomes pretty discouraging. I believe this provokes the rebellion and ‘abnormal’ conversations that are being experienced (of course, not the lack of encouragement alone).

REMEMBER: conversations are two-way. We parents forget to listen. A teen is not stupid; they know when you are hearing them, but not listening.

EAT TOGETHER: We eat dinner together at the table. No homework, news paper, electronic devices allowed. It may sound silly, but this is how I promote communication in our family (so far so good). Even when the children are done eating, we are not excused until we are all done. We use this time to talk. I don’t sense from my two teens down to my little one, any despondence; they all have something to say.

SPECIAL TIME: I try to make it a point to spend individual time with each child. During this time, we can talk about more serious stuff. Instead of telling my son or daughter what I want to impart to them, I engage them by asking their opinion on a given subject. Then, they usually will ask me what I think.

p.s. When a child reaches their teen years their brains do turn to mush

@valdasta Doesn’t sound silly at all! Sounds wonderful! Too many parents don’t want to make the effort and take the time to do stuff like that. At bed time, I always went into their rooms to say good night. If the answer was “Whatever,” or “Go Away!” I’d leave. But if there was no answer I’d slip on in and ask how their day was…and just let them talk. And show no reaction to anything they may say to try and shock me!

Actually I think there are a lot of parents who can have a normal discussion with a teen. But some random ideas for why this can fail:

1) Different assumptions of “normal”.
2) Parents not having taken enough time to have everyday normal conversations with their children and to build an individual relationship with them, then suddenly wanting to have a “serious” one, and wondering why the teen does not suddenly want to trust them with everything. (Love does not conquer all – not without respect and closeness.)
3) Teenagers in the modern world having really difficult time growing up, as in addition to growing up to be something they need to figure what that something is. Instead of looking forward to becoming like their parents, the idea is often abhorring. Often due to failure of parents to include the teens enough in the adult world.
4) Parents not realizing the teen needs more privacy than a small child and being provokingly untactful.
5) Teen not realizing or not wanting to admit they are not adults yet and being provokingly precocious.
6) Parents demanding respect they have not earned—e.g. demanding the teen to not belittle them, when they do the same to the teen.
7) Teens demanding freedoms they have not earned—e.g. demanding to be let to attend a party at a friend’s house when they came home piss drunk from the last outing with said friend.
8) The Mom Song ;)

@Janka your # 2 is my idea behind the “meal-time”. You said it well.

@valdasta: I also find that road trips are a good time for deeper conversations.

@valdasta I also always found that almost any time in the car is a good time for talks. Guess they know you can’t slap them there! :-)

I’ve noticed that you neve know when they’re going to want to talk so trying to be available when they do is crucial, in addition to the more formalized times. BTW, in addition to having supper together several nights a week, we started a tradition early on of going out to eat somewhere together on Friday nights. As they got busier as teens, it wasn’t always possible for all four of us to go, but most weeks, the would come in and ask “Where are we eating tonight?” And the decision as to where to go was arrived at by discussion and consensus.

@janbb (But you CAN throw them out of the car! Which was the reason I moved from the city to a small town before they hit their teens! I had a feeling about what was coming up, and I figured could toss them out anywhere in a small town and not have to worry about them getting home ok! Works, BTW :)

@Val123: Yeah – I had to throw my son out of the car once, because he was throwing his french fries at me! He called a friend to come pick him up though – I’d have preferred if he had walked.

@hearkat My daughter had a duck at one time for whatever reason. It ran around pooping in her room. I just bit my lip. We were driving someplace and she had her duck with her in a box. I got mad about something and kicked her out of the car….. I started to drive away, but drove around the block instead, pulled up next to her, shoved the box through the window and said, “And take your duck with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”....I started to drive away, but suddenly I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t! Then SHE was laughing….and everything was suddenly OK between us! To that end, take every opportunity to make things work that you can. Especially to LAUGH!

@Val123: Yes! Humor works wonders!

@hearkat Things affect me so much more strongly now than they did when I was a kid. The Columbine thing just….took me to my knees. Well, around Halloween of that year my daughter (the same one with the duck) was insolently slouched in the doorway of the laundry room while I was doing laundry and said, “For Halloween I’m going Goth.” There was a heartbeat of a pause…she was waiting for me to explode (Which I felt like doing, and she damn well knew it….deep breaths. Remember it didn’t affect her the way it did me. Deep breaths) When I suddenly spun around with a delighted look on my face and said, “You’re going as Goth Brooks?? Cool! You can wear my Goth Brooks T-shirt!” Totally diffused that moment! She had to fight back a grin, turn it into a rolling of the eyeballs instead and walked away shaking her head! Whew! That’s another thing…kids WILL go out of their way to push their parent’s buttons. That’s kind of hard to take, day after day after day without losing it once in a while!

One of the things that has helped me ove the years, besides humor, has been to not react immediately. Saying “let me think about that and get back to you” has helped me avoid jumping into battle sometimes. Planning the wedding was amazingly fraught and I wish I had been able to react a bit slower on some things. I did say at times “I need to get off the phone now and think about things.”

Teens argue with their parents because simply they are 2 different generations. The father has diff opinions with the teen because that’s the way the parent learned.

@hearkat

Sometimes I feel like people don’t like road trips that much, or maybe it’s just because I live in a wealthy area, but some people I meet seem like “if it’s not on a plane, I ain’t going”. Sure, I’ve been all over the world on planes, but I still like road trips and so do my parents. We always talked a lot during them. I rarely ever listened to music or anything (except on the way back) because it was fun talking and looking at the scenery.

@DominicX: It doesn’t have to be a very long road trip – just over an hour or so that doesn’t justify air travel. My son and I had good conversations going to and from his AAU Basketball games, for example.

@hearkat

Well, yeah, people get in the car all the time together. I loved going to symphony just me and my mom even if it wasn’t very long in the car. But an actual road trip (I went on one to Canada last year) is rare among people my age. I guess I just never grew out of them. My mom got her love of road trips from her parents; she went on a road trip from Nevada to Alaska in 1967. Insane.

@DominicX – I love longer road trips, too! Keep the love of the open road alive, young man!

@DominicX My kids and I have always had great times on road trip vacations. We talk and listen to CDs. There’s something both secure and exciting about setting off in a car with loved ones. Glad you enjoyed them with your folks too.

Looking back at the question, it appears to me that anyone who “always” has a problem with their parents has a bigger issue than communication.

Survival instinct. Teens are driven by genetic programs that make them rebel. No autonomy and the bear will kill them when their parents are not around. At least 50000 years ago.

@mattbrowne Ah! But today the enemy is Facebook, right?!

@Val123: I was on FaceBook before my son, and it was he and his friends who requested me. I was flattered by that.

@hearkat Cool! It’s kind of amazing how these social networking sites seem to allow us to transcend the “generation gap.” I mean, on wis.dm, one of the first really good friends I made, and who is still a good a friend, was only 17!!! (He’s 20 now) It’s a friendship you probably couldn’t sustain IRL.

@Val123: I agree. Here, as well as on other sites, I find that younger people seem more open to what I have to say than if they’re parent has told them the same exact thing. I have also made many new friends on the web that I would never have met, and would probably not have befriended if we had met in person.

I have met several in real life, and I will be travelling to South Florida in January to get together with even more.

Getting to know someone online allows us to get to the heart of the matter without the visual reminders of our differences. Some people are quick to point out how easy it is to misrepresent oneself online, but I find that it doesn’t take long for me to get a sense of the individual’s character.

Actually, there have been times when I’ve wished my son would join Fluther, because I know that he would get good advice here. It seems that many kids don’t know where to go for advice, and too many parents don’t have time for their kids. I am glad to have the opportunity to offer my advice and experience.

I definitely feel “embettered” for having been on sites like this since I was 15. Definitely gave me opportunities to speak with people that I would have otherwise not spoken to. I don’t normally converse with people ages 21–50. Sure, my friends are all my age, but I don’t necessarily want that to be the only age group that I speak to. Part of the reason why I really hate it when ageism shows itself on sites like these.

I forgot something important: parents need to admit it when they are wrong.

I reminded myself today

@valdasta Good answer. But try REALLY hard not to be wrong simply because I think it’s a little destructive to your authority if you’re constantly apologizing to your kid, ya know?

@Val123 – Yep, real Facebook/Myspace stalkers out there. Kids need to learn and grow up and eventually be able to handle them on their own. For example by being very prudent when sharing personal information.

I don’t know why some kids have problems with their parents. I hardly ever did.