How should I deal with not being invited to a wedding?

if they didn’t invite you, i wouldn’t send a gift.

if it was me, i’d ask, but most people would probably say don’t. then again, perhaps your invite was “lost in the mail” and when you confront one of them, it’ll suddenly “show up”.

also, do you have any kind of history with either of the intendeds?

Respectfully.

I wouldn’t give a gift.

How about you send them a congratulatory card, saying “I heard you’re getting married!” or something of that nature. Maybe your invitation really did get lost in the mail. Another option would be to have a mutual friend who is invited ask if they are intentionally excluding you. This all assumes that you are correct, and that there really isn’t a reason they wouldn’t want you there. If you are certain you’ve been purposely left out, I wouldn’t ask about it at all, until after the wedding. Nor would I send a gift, but I’d probably still send a card.

My first thought is to send a really expensive gift to shame them. That’s passive agressive, no?
There’s no chance my invite was “lost in the mail”.

@sudo_nim Yep… passive aggressive, and probably not the best way to handle it. I’m sorry this has happened to you. :(

Thanks Auggie. I mean, Stranger on the internet.

There is a good chance that someone who they have invited is not enamoured of you. Would that make sense? That is usually the reason behind “inexplicable” gaps in guest lists. Have they invited an ex of yours or similar?

@augustlan, your suggestion is kind and tactful, as always, while still advocating for the asker.

@sudo_nim, I doubt that anyone in the history of fluther has ever regretted taking @augustlan‘s advice. Welcome to fluther (gee, you look kind of familiar…). I understand your heartache and think you are wise to ask before taking a step that will make you sorry every time you think of it. Maybe there is an explanation that you just never would think of and no one will ever tell you. It’s hard, but let it go.

@sudo_nim I just got your user name! Now, I’m doubly sorry this is happening to you.

Cover your mirrors, rend your garments and sit on hard surfaces.

I always like to know what is going on, so I would call one of them and just plain old ask what is happening. I think the direct approach is the best.

Could it be what DarkScribe said? If there’s been bad blood, many people feel that only one of two friends/groups of people can be invited to a function.

Then again, from your description they kinda just sound like shitty friends. If a person won’t talk to me straight-up, he’s not my friend.

The impulse to passive-aggressiveness can be difficult to deny. Don’t be too hard on yourself for indulging in it. After all, wouldn’t your name, final topic, and use of augustlan’s nickname, as blatantly pointing to the bare fact of your taking a pseudonym (which suggests that the individuals of whom you speak are fellow flutherites), indicate that posting this question is in itself passive-aggressive? If you expect them to see it and to understand what they are seeing, then it would seem so.

But to reiterate, I wouldn’t recommend beating yourself up over your own feelings too much right now. If sending an expensive gift is going to help you process the hurt and anger you must be feeling, why not do it? Then again, it seems that the corollary to passive-aggressive actions is always regret. So it’s a set of bad choices: do what makes you feel better but will hurt you emotionally and monetarily in the long run, or stew about it in a quieter way. What an awful situation. Good luck with the pickle.

Like @rooeytoo, I would probably ask directly, but respectfully. If you feel you really can’t ask one of them, then do you know the Best Man or Maid of Honor? Perhaps you could ask one of them what’s going on…

I sympathize. Like @eponymoushipster, I’m curious whether you have a history with one of the couple. (i.e, did you used to date one of them, or have a crush on one of them, or something like that?) That can make some folks uneasy. For example, my ex was invited to my wedding reception (and attended, happily). But then I wasn’t invited to hers. Why? Not sure, but I’m guessing the hubby didn’t want me there…

Do what rooey suggests (see she can be blunt too) and just ask – it is what I would do – if it really concerned me.

Usually it doesn’t concern me as unless they are close family I try to avoid weddings nowadays. Being there is almost like being one of the old women knitting outside the Bastille – watching poor condemned souls being dragged to their fate. Few seem to last – I don’ have many associates who have been “happily” married as long as my wife and I have. Most seem to peak and fade within five or six years.

make a ’‘false’’ wedding and don’t invite the ones that didn’t invite you.

@wildpotato Neither the bride or the groom are flutherers, but I am pretty well known here. I have nerver been romantically involved with either of them. I just think that they had to make cuts in the list and can’t belive that I was one who was cut. Surely there had to be some third cousin who could have fallen by the wayside…

Surely they don’t expect you to pretend later that you don’t know they’re married.

I just sent the bride this:

Hey. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now, but I just wanted you to know, I’m not mad that I wasn’t invited. I understand that you both have very big families and lots of other friends and I’m sure the list was just too big. I would, however, like to send you a gift to show how much you both mean to me. I know you’re registered at Williams Sonoma. Anywhere else?
Much love,

Did I act too harshly?

It sounds like you really like you really like both of these people. Personally, I would have just sent the with a card that said “best wishes” and not mentioned at all that you knew you were being left out.

There’s no etiquette rule that says you have to be invited to the wedding to send a gift. There is one about inviting yourself to an event. If they invite you after calling attention to the fact that you weren’t invited, you should probably decline.

If that’s harsh, I want all my enemies to be like you.

I’m with the “it doesn’t hurt to be direct and ask?” camp. I think that sometimes you just have to find out the reason; not knowing can hurt too much. I do agree with asking tactfully which is what I think your note did. Let us know the response.

Welcome (back?) to Fluther.

@sudo_nim That’s not harsh but, although you didn’t intend it to sound this way, don’t be surprised if the bride feels like you are guilt tripping her! I just read what you sent and that’s the first thing that popped in my mind. I hope she doesn’t take it that way and is humble and appreciative of your forgivness for their lack of balls (if they didn’t want you there for whatever the reason they should have had the common decency to let you know rather than avoiding you as if nothing is happening).

If that had been me I would have just dropped them a line to see how they were and asked how wedding plans where going. That may have prompted them to explain to you why you aren’t invited.

By the way, you are obviously a much nicer person than I am because there would be no way I would send a gift!!!

I don’t think the note was harsh at all. I think it was incredibly kind an thoughtful and there is no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I would have been so nice! Who cares if the bride and groom feel guilty? As @Leanne1986 said, if they made the decision not to invite you they should have had the balls to step up and explain the situation. I would be pleased to receive an invitation after the note, if only so I could be very sure to let them know I would not be coming and ship them a lovely gift of a package of 100 paper plates.

“My gut reaction is to confront one of them, but I want to be respectful.”

Sounds like a plan.

@sudo_nim: My reaction is that you should have left that email in draft form overnight, reread and then deleted it. Lousy as you feel, this is the business of the couples, and you are going to do your friendship any good. Do not send a gift.

You did not act harshly but hastily. Find other friends immediately.

Edit: “do your friendship no good.”

You know what else doesn’t do a friendship any good? Snubbing someone from such a happy, friend/family filled day that will never happen again, and then being so passive-aggressive about it as to avoid the person just so they don’t have to face them, because they KNOW they’re doing something not very nice.

I’m with SuperMouse. Everyone is so concerned about not being passive-aggressive, or guilt tripping them… their feelings do not matter as long as they crap all over someone who’s (at least, so he/she thought) one of their “best” friends. I would have no issues being passive-aggressive or guilt tripping them. I just wouldn’t. Once I get burned, and I consider this a burn… I tend to not care much about the feelings of the person who hurt me. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but hey… childish or not… I’m not the one who started it.

I know that what’s done is done, but I agree with Gail that an important email like that should be left to stew over night. (Song recommendation: Carrie Newcomer’s “Don’t Push Send!”) I would not suggest sending a gift, either. I don’t see what they have done to deserve one. A year or so ago, I wasn’t invited to a wedding that I expected to be invited to, but I wasn’t as close with the two of them as you appear to be, so I did not say anything about the matter, even though I felt pretty bad. However, if it were someone who I thought was a close friend, then I would be direct and upfront about the fact that I am hurt about the situation. So, bottom line, I say, tell them directly that you are hurt. Do not buy gift. I know that none of this feels good. Do something nice for yourself instead!

let us know what happens

I agree with @gailcalled. The language sounds aggrieved. It’s hard to imagine your next meeting as being anything but awkward. I’m sorry.

But wouldn’t the meeting be awkward anyway, knowing you had been so horribly snubbed by someone you consider two of your closest friends?

I think it would have been awkward in any case, yes. Unless the couple had something planned for later, thinking it would all unfold in the order they had in mind: for example, an announcement to the B-list friends, a second reception billed as a party to greet the new couple, and all’s forgiven. If our friend @sudo_nim here hasn’t regulated his or her feelings to their timetable, that’s the chance they took. No matter how this plays out, there is no likelihood that things will ever be as they were before.

@poofandmook I agree, this is going to be an uncomfortable meeting no matter what. @Jeruba from the way @sudo_nim describes what happened, I’m not sure why s/he shouldn’t feel aggrieved. To me it isn’t as much about the lack of an invitation as it is about the lack of communication about the situation.

I don’t for a second question his or her right to feel aggrieved. Assuming that the situation is as described, who wouldn’t? But putting that sentiment into a written message will have lost something without any gain.

@Jeruba: I’m thinking the couple are the ones with the loss, truthfully, by their own hands.

Yes. The awkwardness goes both ways. @sudo_nim is the wronged party, if anyone is wronged here, and they won’t ever be able to treat him or her as if nothing had happened, especially now that he or she has sent a message underscoring that.

We do have to speak up (just as Miss Manners would, I’m sure) for the right of a couple to choose their own guests. No one automatically has a claim on an invitation. But this is not to say that such difficult decisions have no consequences.

@Jeruba: Yes, I agree that couples have the right to choose their guests. But I think it’s hard to defend the choice to leave out such a close friend when it’s a big wedding, as sudo_nim pointed out. I don’t know. The whole thing just seems rotten to me.

@Jeruba I agree that of course the bride and groom can invite and leave out whomever they please. However, I think that even Miss Manners would agree that they should speak to those they were unable to invite and explain the situation. Especially if they are close to @sudo_nim and s/he had reason to expect an invitation. I think it would be easier on all concerned if they just stepped up and had the conversation.

I think if you have a close friendship and feel hurt, the issue needs to be talked about. Maybe in your case, you perceive it as closer than they do; maybe you’ve offended them somehow. Maybe you’re not in a “category” they are including. In any case, were it me, I would want to have the discussion, however painful it might be, and at least know where I stand. Then you can decide what you want to do about it.

I would want to have the conversation, but I would have waited until after the wedding to have it. In any event, the friendship was never going to be the same, whether @sudo_nim‘s message to the bride was sent or not. It’s just a bad situation, all the way around.
Sometimes, people suck.

Having the conversation is the right thing to do, of course. I would just not encourage sudo_nim to believe that he or she is necessarily going to get a real explanation or any satisfaction out of it other than the satisfaction of fulfillment of a courtesy that would seem to be owed to a friend.

Suppose, just for an example out of the blue, that partner A of the couple has had or even still has a huge secret crush on sudo_nim, and partner B knows it, and they had a huge fight over whether or not to invite. And the only way A could placate B was to agree not to invite sudo_nim.

Or maybe sudo_nim made an offhand remark three years ago that the maid of honor didn’t like and never forgot. Or maybe it’s not about sudo_nim at all but some kind of package deal: if we invite sudo_nim, then we will simply have to invite X and Y and Z, and that’s just too many, and besides, Y is a bum and Z always brings that dorky great-uncle of his. Who knows what kinds of rules people make up in their own heads?

I agree that it’s unlikely to turn out well for sudo_nim with these two. Back to what gailcalled said: Time for new friends. The truth may be as simple as what sudo_nim put in the question: It’s sad to think I was wrong about how close we were.

And there is the issue of timing. i would not take on this unpleasant task before the wedding, if I were to do it all.

Long ago we had a wedding of 60 people for my son here at the house; I was harassed and forgot to tell my beloved first cousin he was not on the list. But he was my beloved cousin and not a really close friend of my son’s.

Thanks everyone. Still no word from the bride, but I’ll let you know.

You all have been really helpful, if only to put my mind at ease about being hurt. I know now that I am justified in that.
I think I’ll stick around. I like it here…;)

@DarkScribe Being there is almost like being one of the old women knitting outside the Bastille – watching poor condemned souls being dragged to their fate. Lurve for the best descriptive phrase for a wedding that I’ve read all week.

Update: I’ve had a note from the bride.
“you are so sweet. i’m telling you, this whole inviting people thing was ROUGH. everything else was a breeze but figuring out how we could pull the peeps together was the most difficult part. you will certainly be missed and your sweet note is much appreciated!”

She went on to tell me that no gift was necessary, but then listed all the places they were registered.

Instead, I will be making a donation in their name to a local charity that I am much fond of.

I had a good laugh when she wrote that i “will certainly be missed” as if I was choosing not to come.

Once again, thanks, faithful jellyfish. You have been very helpful to me.
Here’s what I’m taking from this unfortunate situation:
Difficult decisions have consequences.
Sometimes people suck.

Blah. People do suck. What a line.

That’s a bitch. I guess you’re not as good a friend to them as you thought you were. I’m sorry that you had to be hurt like that.

Thanks for the update!

I am not impressed with this woman. I love your idea of donating to charity in their name.

Maybe the “How to be a Better Friend” Foundation?

And that double-ugh use of the passive voice; “you will certainly be missed and your sweet note is much appreciated!” Who misses you. Your friend’s peeps? Make that former friend, please. And she could have picked up the phone, for heaven’s sake.

Glad that you are donating to a charity that is important to you.

Yes, the charity idea is an excellent one. It is time to cultivate friendships with some new “peeps.”

Like us!!

Great idea regarding the donation!

I would feel very hurt, but on the other hand, I hate weddings, all that money spent and a 50% chance they will be divorced at some point anyhow.

So my method of coping would be get totally pissed off for a while, then forget about it. Let the rest of your life grow bigger and better and it won’t even matter a lick!

Ugh. Good for you on the charity idea though!