What is an alternative to couples therapy?

Are you both of a certain religion?

@SpatzieLover Yes, Christian

@Facade Then maybe you could both do this through a pastor or a Christian couples group.

Yes, Christian
nevermind about Fluther then :]

A couple’s therapist should be able to see one of you and have the other one over the phone. The phone person would just have to fax in the paperwork.

I second using a Pastor as well who could work the same way.

I’m not sure how else you could work on couple’s issues using a mediator of any kind without doing it over the phone. I do not know of any reliable sites online for this type of help.

@SpatzieLover I was looking for something that can be done sooner than later. Like I said, we can’t travel.
@RedPowerLady I didn’t know people could do that. Thanks for your helpful answer.

@Facade I wasn’t thinking you’d need to travel. Pastor’s are pretty modern and even work via email (my Priest does)

@SpatzieLover I’m so over corresponding through the internet, you have no idea. I wouldn’t do it.

There are books available that you could each read; some have workbooks as well. You could set a schedule to read a chapter every week or two and do the associated exercises, then have a standing appointment to ‘meet’ and go over it with each other on the phone or webchat.

i concede. It’s not about me, its about you; here you go.

@hearkat He doesn’t seem interested in literature I previously asked him to read an article on depression and he wouldn’t do it And honestly, I’m not interested in a book. To me, a book can’t cater it’s information to different people and couples.

Divorce.

@Facade So are you open to a three way phone call?

@Facade: It sounds as if he’s resistant, and might not want to deal with a counselor, either. If he claims that he is willing to, then suggest that you each search for counselors in your area that would work with the both of you (since it increases your odds of finding someone that you’ll both like). See how much initiative he takes. If he doesn’t put forth the effort, than you may want to rethink his intentions for the relationship. I hope I am wrong, but I have been down this road with men who were in the same home with me. Good luck.

@SpatzieLover Yes. At least then I could hear his voice.
@hearkat That’s a good idea. I’ll bring it up again the next time we talk.

@Facade You are quite welcome. Therapists are quite versatile. If you go that route just make sure you find a good one.

@RedPowerLady How do I differentiate between a good and bad therapist

@Facade First you want someone you feel comfortable with and who doesn’t aggravate you. Feeling comfortable means they make you feel at ease. When I speak of aggravation I speak more towards their method. There are lots of different therapy styles and if the counselor is aggravating you it is probably because their style of therapy doesn’t suite your personality . An example would be a therapist that constantly says “and how does that make you feel?” and you personally think that is too cliche and get annoyed every time they say that.

Second you want someone who is empathetic towards you and who doesn’t make you feel like all your actions are “wrong”. They should be able to challenge you without making you feel guilty.

Third you want someone who has experience towards your goal. In this case it would be specifically couples counseling. So it shouldn’t be too hard to find someone with experience as this is a very common goal.

Many people quit therapy because they feel bad about switching therapists. I suggest you give a therapist about 3–5 meetings and then decide if they are the right one for you. If not then move on.

@Facade Here is a list of questions to help you pick the therapist

I think it will be harder to find a therapist you are both comfortable with. I think it’s important that you both see the therapist as neutral, and if one is in the office and the other isn’t, I think it will be natural to think the therapist is on the side of the person who is physically there, whether they are, or not. Maybe it would help if everyone is on the phone.

It may take a session or two to figure out if you can work with the therapist. Don’t be afraid to try another one. I went to two psychiatrists when I was getting diagnosed. We got lucky about therapy in that we both felt trusting of our first couples therapist, and I found I could work with my first therapist. It doesn’t always happen that way, but it’s not a failure to need to try someone else.

When you talk to the therapist, I think it’s important to ask what approach they take, and what methods they are trained in. The more tools in their toolchest, the more flexible they can be. If they do only one thing, you’ve got to hope that one thing will help you, or that you quickly recognize if it isn’t, and you move on.

I wish you luck. Your SO is willing to do this?

@daloon I gave me a “yes” when I very briefly brought it up a couple weeks ago. I’m going to ask him again when we speak later on today.

Grandma. She knows best. The trick is for both of you to listen to her.

@NewZen fair enough
but whose grandma?

I would appreciate yall not joking around. Or at least take it somewhere else. That’s about as nicely as I can say it.

Mooonnkk got scolded

@Facade It sure makes it easier if the guy wants to do it. I think that many times we go once or twice, and then say it really is kind of useless. Unfortunately, it can take months or a year before you start to realize it has been helping. I don’t know if you can set your guy’s expectations about this. But be aware that he may try to get out of it soon. Of course, maybe he’s a really nice guy without a lot of machismo, and then it should be easier.

@daloon He is a nice guy, and he tries. He would only try to get out of it if he thinks it’s not helping. If that happened, I go by myself for the both of us. Or, break up with him.

@Facade I was being serious. In several cultures, my own included, we’d consult our Grandmother. Sometimes, it would even be like an intervention – if divorce say were on the line, but the immediate (elder) family members weren’t behind it.

You and I are not the same age, maybe you were surprised by my answer – but it was certainly on-topic. Maybe not helpful, but an answer nevertheless.

@NewZen I don’t have a grandmother, but I understand what you’re saying. I’m a bit snippy and sensative today; forgive me

@NewZen Yes in my culture that is very typical. I thought it was a good response because it is so typical in my lifestyle.

A set of dueling pistols.

@RedPowerLady Maybe we are related. I’ll PM you.

@NewZen Well I was told that Captain Picard was a distant cousin…

@RedPowerLady PLease don’t refer to the avatar picture – it won’t make sense when I ‘ve changed it again! – I can barely even see things that small – and colourblind, too – so I don’t pay much attention to the avatars here. But perhaps you have a Jewish Great-grandfather or something? (I think I may be part ostrich. Do you have any foul in your genealogy?

@NewZen Unfortunately I have no Jewish relatives and that is a shame because from what I know of the culture it is quite nice. Now foul, hmm.. I do have a flying purple people eater in my family perhaps there is a link there, would that count as a foul?

@RedPowerLady You mean… the one-eyed, one-armed one? I know that one…

@NewZen He looks a bit like this , taken at a family picnic last week and photoshopped out the trashy background. Of course there is always aunt zelda

He resembles my Aunt Clara a bit. Do you have any wolves on your father’s side?