Who would be considered the rude one in the following situation:?

If you couldn’t think up a legitimate excuse in the time between when the acquaintance asked and when you answered then not accepting would have been rude.

Social rules are all about appearance. Even though you both may have known that you just didn’t want to sit with the other person, you need to give them some other reason.

I don’t think it would have been rude at all to decline. (Nor do I think it was rude of them to offer.) If you’d seen the acquaintance and ignored them, pretended not to recognize them, etc…. that would have been rude. But a simple “It’s kind of you to offer, but no thank you,” offered with a smile, would have been fine.

All you had to say is you wanted to be alone, but thank you anyway. That’s not rude. Being a people pleaser is rarely a pleasure for oneself.

I agree with @derekfnord although the acquaintenace’s perception might depend on your body language and accompanying verbal niceties. “Thanks so much, but we’re actually on a sort of date with each other tonight” acompanied by a warm smile = not rude. “No thank you” as you recoil in thinly disguised disgust, = rude.

It was very polite of them to offer. Maybe they felt like it would have been rude not to ask, and they hoped you were going to say no?

I was in this situation, and handled it badly.
What I should have said was “Thanks, but my wife and I wanted a romantic dinner just for us. Thanks for the offer, though.”

To decline their invitation is not rude.
It would be rude to dismiss them without thanking them for the invitation.

If the other person decides to get bent out of shape because you don’t want to share a dinner table with them, that’s not your problem.

Your acquaintance was not being rude by asking you. Quite the opposite. That’s the thing to remember.

I don’t think anyone was rude in this situation. The acquaintance must not be aware of your disdain, and they also must not feel the same way about you or they wouldn’t have extended the invitation. I think there is only misfortune on your part for having a bad dinner experience. You could have politely declined.

“That’s a very kind offer, but we’ve been planning a quiet, romantic dinner together. Thanks anyway!”

@filmfann: I answered before reading and I see that great minds think alike… Lurve!

All you guys are absolutely right. Timing and graciousness are important. I would never refuse an invitation by making a face and saying something like, “Are you nuts??!! I can’t stand you!” I agree it could have been declined gracefully, but they asked Rick, Rick asked me, and I immediately said, “I thought we had some things to discuss over dinner tonight?” That gave him an out because he doesn’t enjoy their company either. He just looked at me blankly and said “What are you talking about?” I said, “Oh, never mind.” So we ate with them. Got to listen to the dude talk about our “Ni…..er president,” and some “Ni….er bitch” that wound up in our local news. He’s just not a fun person. And his wife is totally neurotic! She twitches constantly. No, she’s not on drugs. That’s just the way she is. But, oh well. I handled it gracefully after Rick committed us.

@Val123 so your DH left you up sh*t creek without a paddle? Given that scenario, you had no choice at all.

I don’t think anyone was rude.

If you just flat out said no, that would have been rude. I dont think the acquaintance is being rude, they’re being nice by offering you to dine with them.
I’ll agree that it’s hard to say no in that situation without hurting someone, but it’s not impossible. You could say “Oh no, shouldn’t, really. I’m just getting over a flu and we think spouses name has it too. Maybe another time?”

@Val123 I was loving the suggestions about declining because of the need for a romantic night with hubby. That is until I read your post regarding just how annoying this guy is. In that case I would be happy to be subtly rude. There is no way anyone who talks like that would get the nicety of sitting with me just because of good manners. I simply will not associate with that crowd. Not only because it is against my moral beliefs. It is also bad if a coworker etc.. sees you with someone saying such things. And to be quite honest it is bad for your health.

they were being polite and i don’t think you had to accept. i would have thanked them, and if one was already seated i would have said to the one who invited me, “no, thanks, we’re OK, but i’d like to stop by your table to say hi to Mary.” then we could have eaten alone, and stopped by to say hi to them at some point, nice, polite, civil. you didn’t give them any excuses or reasons, you just kind of blew it off, but left an opening to stop by their table to be gracious.

Well now I think Rick is to blame. ~
Seriously though, there are times when out of social propriety you just have to bite the bullet.
That being said, as soon as the guy started using the n word (and I can only speak for myself) I would have stood up, told him that just wasn’t acceptable in my presence and politely asked the staff to find me another table. Racism will contine as long as people don’t directly speak up to it. Tacit silence implies agrement.
I know you don’t feel that way, Val.

@MagsRags Yeah, that’s basically it. No choice.
@breedmitch I should have said something…but then Rick would have been upset and the rest of the night would have been miserable. See, Rick is all about being a “Good Old Boy.” It’s a PIB sometimes.

@Val123, it took years of coaching for my husband to learn to pick up on hints like the (very obvious) one you gave Rick. He’s the kind of guy who, if I tried to pass him a discreet note in a situation, would say, “Uh, hold on, my wife is handing me a note.” No matter how deep they may go, some men seem to operate on only one level at a time. I hope Rick learned something from the incident.

In your place I would have done as you did, after being cornered like that. But before that it was still possible to say a cheery “Oh, no thanks, we promised ourselves just a twosome tonight.”

However, there was no need to tolerate the racist dialogue. I think it would have been necessary to say “I can’t enjoy my dinner listening to you talk like that. Your language makes me very uncomfortable.”

No wonder the wife twitches. Imagine living with him.

@Jeruba you said, “He’s the kind of guy who, if I tried to pass him a discreet note in a situation, would say, “Uh, hold on, my wife is handing me a note.” Bustin’ out laughing here!!!

His wife clocked him a bit, so he backed off. He’s just a moron.