What do I tell a friend who is worried about his wife using a dildo?
I have a friend who is religious and traditional, but with a sense of humor. I’ve jokingly told him and his wife that they should get some sex toys and have a little fun. Recently, they decided to purchase a dildo.
Here’s the problem: my friend fears his wife prefers the dildo. I believe he is genuinely threatened by the dildo (which is slightly more enhanced in length and girth than what his wife is used to). From the start, he had forbidden her from using the dildo when he wasn’t involved. From what I gather, they had fun with it at first, until a certain incident: his wife was using the dildo while giving her husband oral sex. At some point, he decided he was “ready” and wanted to proceed to vaginal sex, but she stopped him and said she wanted to enjoy the dildo for a few more minutes. This deeply troubled him. When he tried to talk to her about that particular incident, she kept avoiding the subject.
Now he is very worried that she prefers something bigger than what he has to offer. I tried explaining the silliness of him being jealous of an inanimate object, but he countered that, jealousy aside, he was worried the dildo would “stretch” his wife out, making sex less enjoyable for him in the future. Considering that she’s had several kids, I doubt this could happen.
Is it all in my friend’s head? Is it really just penis envy? What solid and factual information could I provide him to make him feel better about the whole thing? Are humans capable of being jealous of a piece of plastic? My personal belief is that inanimate objects are the only way a person can “cheat” on his partner without arousing genuine jealousy. After all, a woman doesn’t get jealous of her husband’s hand when he masturbates, right? Can a dildo ruin a marriage?
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42 Answers
I don’t know what to say, he could always get enlargement supplements.
maybe he needs some help with his technique. or they need to discuss what he could be doing (or isn’t doing) that makes her want to use the dildo to that extent.
and some women don’t like their husbands masturbating, btw
Does the dildo vibrate or is it an inert, inanimate object?
I suspect “it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion” as the old song says. Maybe she has more control with the dildo and it is more satisfying in that way. Sounds like time for some honest communication!
@eponymoushipster I don’t think there’s anything wrong with his technique persay; my impression is that she might have been having a moment (orgasmic or otherwise) and just wanted to “ride the wave” until the end. I think our female Jellies can chime on this idea: if you interrupt the “build-up” to the orgasm, you could lose it, so you don’t want to interrupt it.
@gailcalled I’m not sure. I know it’s super-realistic, large, and I think it vibrates.
I would venture to say that if it vibrates, that is what is causing her pleasure. Personally I can’t believe it is technique or size per se.
I hope that they will talk to each other.
No man can vibrate or provide that full feeling from so many angles as a good quality toy. However, no toy can provide the realistic sensation, caring, and other things that a good quality man can. Apples and oranges.
Is he threatened by the idea of her masturbating without the toy?
He “forbade” her to use it while he wasn’t there? Maybe that was the start of it all.
“He forbade her to use it…”
There are few things more exciting than forbidden interludes…
Okay; he needs to calm down about this. There is nothing wrong with a woman using a dildo\vibrator in the bedroom. Our orgasms are much more tricky (mostly) and harder to achieve than a man’s; again I say mostly because there are the odd case where this is not true.
In the bedroom I pleasure myself while pleasuring my partner. I know how my “plumbing” works better than anyone so I really get myself going then i let my partner have the satisfaction of finishing me ;)
If your friend is concerned he needs to ask his partner about this in a non-confrontational way so that she does not feel like he is backing her into a corner, so to speak (or in this case type).
Remember, communication is a huge part of a successful relationship in the bedroom. Without that important key part it can fall apart very quickly.
I wish him and his partner all the best of luck and a very, very steamy future ;) – LB
Embarrassed that I wrote persay when I meant per se. D’oh!
He’s not jealous of her masturbation because she doesn’t masturbate. Or so she says.
What about the question of her getting “stretched out” by the large dildo?
If she can push his kid through there, he’s got no grounds for worrying about a “velvet glove”.
Is this his first experience with a woman using toys? If so, he could just be over-reacting and will calm down on his own. As to the stretching question, as you say… she’s had much bigger things (babies) in there, and he still enjoys the sex. I can’t imagine this toy would do any more than has already been done.
You should tell him to buy a masturbation sleeve, one that vibrates. I am sure he’ll get the picture as to why they are fun to use but will never replace the real thing.
There is no body, emotion, voice or warmth attatched to a vibrator or sleeve. Sure they are fun but they will never be romantic or loving. Sure you can love it but it’ll never love you back. Stupid masturbation devices….I hate you for breaking my heart.
Something tells me you’ll never hear those words.
@drdoombot ah…i wish i could give you 5000 lurve points for this sentence: “Recently, they decided to purchase a dildo.”
Well, has the dildo been buying her dinner?
@cprevite laughing my ass off on that one. Much lurve.
@cpevite Perhaps the dildo forbade her to use her husband.
@Dog dildos are not known for being real dicks.~
Having been with men, with women wearing dildos, and using dildos for solo play, the first thing that springs to mind is that, no matter the size, dildos are a poor substitution for the real thing. And I don’t even really like guys that much, but it’s true! Even the expensive silicone ones don’t feel real, for one. In fact, sometimes I try to pretend, but it’s just not the same. Secondly, having someone inside of you who can actually feel it and is getting off on it is immensely exciting. Thirdly, there is the whole intimate contact between you and your partner that is wholly missing by using a dildo on yourself.
So, it’s a totally different ball game. Now, what I think may be happening here is the wife is new to toys and has found she really likes it. As @ElleBee said (beautifully, I might add), women are more complicated than men and sometimes it’s nice to pleasure yourself because you know what feels good, or you may simply want to get lost in a fantasy. It may be about the size difference (it is a different sensation), but most likely it’s because it’s new and somewhat forbidden.
If the husband can get comfortable with the introduction of the dildo, hopefully he will be able to see it’s just a different kind of pleasure and it’s not direct competition with his willy.
“Totally different ball game.” ROFL!
I am completely amazed that one guy is discussing this with another guy!
I too got stuck on the “forbid” part. If my partner “forbid” me anything, that would probably be the curtain call right then and there.
Tell him to let her have her fun, he should just lay back and enjoy it, isn’t that what they always say. I thought all men liked watching stuff like that, aren’t men the visual ones.
I think he has bigger issues if an inanimate object can give him insecurities
one must be confident in bed
Well, I’ve tried using some of the great answers in this thread on my friend, but he isn’t biting. His newest response is that a dildo can be like a gateway drug, introducing his wife to many other ways she can obtain pleasure which don’t involve him.
As for the forbidding part, well… I think he’s worried that his wife “isn’t in the mood” too often as it is. If she had a way of pleasuring herself without him, he believes he’d never “get any.”
I’d say if she likes the toy more than she likes him, there could definitely be something wrong with his technique!
Why don’t they try letting him use the toy on her? It could help him feel more involved in her pleasure.
If he’s insecure about this, there’s something more than dildo size going on. I don’t know if he’d talk about that, but if you want to help him, find out what that is and try to help him deal with it.
Well, I kind of get that, drdoombot, and it makes a lot of sense in a relationship where it seems, historically, the pleasuring has been mutual and shared. I can see it being a bit threatening or hurtful if you go from that to imagining your partner getting off all the time without you, and potentially “using it all up”. I get a slight twinge of jealousy, myself, when my partners tell me they got off without me.. I don’t not want them to do it, it’s just that I wish I could have at least watched, you know? :P
I’m sure he gets off without his wife there more often than he cares to admit. Projecting maybe?
I know that I am discussing getting my S.O. a toy while I am deployed to afghanistan. I want my S.O. to be taken care of to the point where I call home listen to her day and then ‘relieve’ her anxiety (if you know what I mean).
I am focused on her pleasure to the point that if something works better then we will work it into the mix. If she prefers the toy in that spot that still leaves a few others open. /shrug
I would kill to be able to be intimate with that woman…I am in afghanistan after all ;)
@noraasnave Your SO is a very lucky woman. I think your love for her is great!
@janbb I am a very lucky woman! My love for him mirrors his for me! He is an amazing man!
First fear of her dildo, then fear of other inanimate objects (e.g., innocent vegetables, her gear shift lever, etc.) I was thinking “insecurity” but when you said he “forbid” it, then I knew it was insecurity. There isn’t much more to say about his problem . . . I feel sorry for her that he would deny her pleasure because his ego is so fragile . . .
This sounds funny but I totally know it’s not because a lot of people go through this. I’d think like @eponymoushipster brought up that his wife is having better orgasms with the toy than your friend. I mean if she could have as great of orgasms with a live, in motion, affectionate, passionate partner then why would she stop him from stopping her? They should work on how to increase her pleasure and response without the toys before adding adding them back into sex play. The fact that he’s worried about her changing shape and it lessening his pleasure makes me think he’s not all that concerned about her pleasure to begin with.
Tell him to have fun with it together with his wife. That’s what I do with condoms. Use the dildo to make it a titillating experience for both parties. I think his wife would appreciate it as well——“two for the price of one”.
He should learn to do more with his hands and tongue that the dildo cannot do.
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