Why do you think some women fall in love or date a man in prison?

They have most likely been abused or victimized in the past and are following patterned behavior.

My guess is they see themselves as a savior. “This man may have been violent/aggressive/etc before but my love can heal him!”

I have to think that they are also, for some reason (mental illness of some sort? Self esteem issues?), ill-equipped to handle relationships the way healthy people do.

This question reminded me of this juror from the Scott Petersen case

Some women who have fears of abandonment date men “beneath” them (in class, looks, intelligence, criminal record, etc.) in the hopes that they will not be abandoned.
I have no idea if that’s true or not. I just made it up.

I have read that in conjunction with the self esteem issues is also the factor (especially in cases where the prisoner has mo possibility of parole) that it calms their insecurities since it is physically impossible for him to cheat on them. They know for certain where he is every night.

This is also why many of these relationships don’t work out long term if the guy ever does get released. The fantasy of control can no longer be maintained.

To me, it’s like the extension of a pre-teen girl’s fantasy celebrity boy. A man in prison isn’t usually going anywhere. She doesn’t know the real him any better than a 10-year-old knows Nick Jonas.

And just like a young girl’s fantasy, she can project whatever she wants onto him and not have to deal with the reality of who the guy is, what’s he’s done or interact with him in a way that would be threatening in an ordinary day-to-day relationship where flaws and insecurities will be revealed. She won’t have to face being seen and rejected.

these are all very good answers! Apparently i haven’t put enough thought into it! lol this kind of explains why a friend of mine is always happier in long distance relationships, she can project him to whatever she needs him to be at the time and never wake up to reality!

I understand there is a need to have the partner’s full attention and constant reassurance of “love” Women are often programmed to sacrifice for a relationship. This instinct seems to kick in when they are less desirable. The prison bride usually feels this is the only chance they have because of adolescent children, age and appearance. I don’t think it is about having control because most of the men will get out one day and women who are with lifers or condemned men work tirelessly to get them out.

I think it is mostly the romantic fantasy of living happily ever after with someone who owes you so much, they will love you forevrer.

i used to work with a woman who is married to a man in prison for murder. she told me he did karate and got into a fight defending someone’s honor, etc. but i looked it up and he went with a friend to a third guy’s house, stole the guy’s stereo and cash, and bludgeoned the guy with a tire iron, and sold the stereo and bought crack with it.

my former coworker has this big fantasy going that the guy is a noble, honorable fellow and when he gets out they’re going to live happily ever after. of course, people in prison have had a lot of time to think about how they would like to live their lives on the outside, and also they are often master manipulators who can weave a big story about how they’re going to get a job, blah blah blah. meanwhile, many have become institutionalized, cannot live without structure or lack of choices. when the person gets out and is faced with having poor job prospects, lack of cash, perhaps a substance habit, and many choices that are not offered to an inmate, they often make poor choices and end up back behind bars.

my coworker had self esteem issues, and as a result of visiting him, giving him cash, etc. she has very little money of her own. meanwhile, i say the guy is in there getting three hots and a cot, she needs to take care of herself and her family on the outside. but whatever. i know she likes knowing he’s stuck in there and not out running the streets. i imagine when the husband gets out the wife is worrying what he’ll do and when he’ll do it, in prison that’s not an issue.

People in prison are dangerous in one way, but safe in another. Like others have said, you can project anything you want on a guy you can only write to, and almost never get to talk to. Real relationships have all kinds of problems having to do with day to day activities. But in a relationship with someone you only know on paper (or in pixels), you can turn them into the perfect lover, and then you can fall in love with your idea of who they are, disguising the real source of this lover.

Anyway, since you have no real world interaction, the relationship can remain perfect. You’re safe from having to deal with any problem or any danger. You can fantasize to your heart’s content about the other person, and never have that fantasy rocked by reality. It can be a wonderful thing…. until the guy actually shows up at your door. Then you may see an entirely different side to him.

I’ve known women who sent money and love letters etc etc to guys in prison, and had big fantasy dreams about what things would be like when he got out. These women had children, and were often very good mothers. key word : mothers.

i have always thought why have a relationship with someone in prison when you can’t talk to them when you want, can’t kiss them when you want, can’t fuck them when you want. what is the use of being with them? you can’t call them and say “hey i had a tough day at work.” it’s like one sided. they have no clue what your life is like and vice versa.

The convicted criminal is the ultimate “fixer upper”. Perfect for the DYI girl. Once you’ve finished him you can stand back and pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

@fundevogel brings up a good point, but often things don’t turn out that way. A woman may start having a relationship with a prisoner because she wants to fix him, just like @Likeradar said as well). However, this sort of relationship often doesn’t work out too well.

Women who are in these martyr-like relationships are likely to have had a pattern of dating men with troubled pasts, family problems, or other excess baggage. They feel it is their duty to care for them like a lost puppy. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for these relationships to evolve into controlling, unhealthy relationships. They woman may get so caught up in her need to “heal” her loved one that she loses all sense of self-importance, making herself vulnerable to abuse.

Prisoners make especially dangerous candidates because they can easily put on an act of “I’m so innocent, I can change, really, I’m a good guy” when that is not quite the truth.

Scott Peterson just looks like he knows his way around a boat. Girls like that.

i think for some women they need to know they have someone, even if that someone is not physically there for them. in addition, there is also the savior/self esteem complex.
plus… the power of knowing and feeling in control.

A man in prison has nothing else to do but live for that woman. She becomes his everything. Some probably get a love letter every single day. This is a serious amount of attention.

Another reason could be that the acquisition is an easy process. Most women who communicate with men behind bars eliminate the possibility of rejection. If someone is willing to pay a man serving a long sentence some attention, then that man will most likely accept. He would be crazy not to.

I understand the savior thing, but I tend to think it is old fashioned lack of self esteem.

Some women are attracted to the “bad boy” image. This is because they are stupid. (those women, not all women)

the woman i worked with would go on conjugal visits every six months or so. she had to buy all new food each visit – eggs, bacon, meats, all new ketchup and other condiments. you are not allowed to bring in opened food so it was like $150 each conjugal visit for all this food.. she had to be there at like 6 am on a friday morning, then you have friday, saturday and you have to leave by 6 am sunday morning. he would have to be “counted” several times a day. when she visits him once a week in the visiting room, she buys him sandwiches and stuff and also has to be there early. these are sacrifices that most women will not make

desperate gullible morons.

cause aint nothin better than a man in prison that cant wait to get to you.

Most of the women who are attached to men in prison met them before they got in trouble. I’ve known literally hundreds of incarcerated men and I do not know of any who had women seek them out just because they were in prison. A lot of prisoners don’t like being seen by loved ones. It is a great emotional and financial hardship on families and, quite often, the family finds the prisoner too much to deal with, especially if this is his second, third or fourth time down (which, thanks to hair-trigger parole conditions, can happen with alarming frequency).

Visiting is a tremendous hassle for both visitor and visited. The guards often make no distinction between prisoner and family, and so treat everyone like shit. They strip-search family members, like make you wait, or send you home for wearing a sleeveless shirt, just to rub their power in your face. Unless you have children, it often isn’t worth it. Conjugal visits are a great way of motivating prisoners to “behave” but not everyone is legally married, has proper ID, weekends off, or the time or money to set it up. And, there is always the chance of some guard choosing to be a dick and ruining the whole thing—or the institution suddenly goes on lockdown without notice.

Many parents and significant others take a distinct pride in standing by their men, but for many others the rule is ambivalence and abandonment. They are not desperate, gullible morons; they are people just like you or I, perhaps less fortunate and less educated.

If you have a friend or family member in prison it is important that you visit them. There are often things going on that they can’t tell you about in letters or on the phone.

Low self esteem, full stop.

Most are desperate and have no other men or women, in their lives. Dating a convict is a last resort.

To some, it may be a challenge or even to convert a person from a criminal status to a good human being.

I guess it happens, but they are taking a dangerous chance.