How do people stay in a relationship with a person who has emotionally hurt them so badly but continue to want to be with them?

If you cheat you are gone. Nothing will convince me otherwise. I will throw your shit on the lawn and I never want to see you again. Volvo Punch <—that was for Allie.

Really, hold a person while they die from AIDS and your view on cheating will become very different. It isn’t emotional, it can kill you.

some people need the safety and security their s/o offers so much so that it would (they think) be more painful to end the relationship than to maintain it even though it is so harmful

Honestly, I’m in a relationship where I have been cheated on.
More than once.
I don’t care what people have to say about it.
We took a break after the incidents happened, and I’m trying to let the past be the past.
Sure, It’s in my mind when we are apart and I know there will be other girls around, but I still do trust him.
It’s never going to be a 100% trust, but there’s 100% love from my side, and I know that he loves me too.
He regretted his actions, and because I could tell, I forgave him. Slowly, but I did.
I’m completely in love, and I don’t want anything getting in the way.
It’s a pretty damn good relationship now that high school drama is out of the way and we have had multiple in depth conversations about if this is right or not.
Call me crazy, but I’m not going to listen.

I’m currently in a relationship where at two very different points we betrayed each other’s trust. I think regaining that trust is one of the hardest things in the world to do but both of us at different points now have had to struggle with it.

The truth is, it takes two very committed, very diligent, very patient people to fix those type of problems (in a healthy fashion) and eventually, I imagine it proves too much for most folks.

We take it one day at a time and I hope for the best (3 yrs. running now).

For the people that are in relationships and their partner cheated on them. Obviously since your still together it’s a signal that it’s alright to cheat (maybe just one time but it’s ok) Does that mean they are allowed to do it again to you and you won’t mind the second time around? Do you feel that your partner thinks it’s ok to cheat since your still together? Obviously they won’t tell you this but perhaps they think about that inside their head? Any thoughts?

I never said it was okay..
It’s not okay. I know it’s not, he knows it’s not.
But sincere apologies were made and we are two very hard-headed people, so I wouldn’t let us go down without fighting to fix the problem. Like @nzigler, we are taking it a day at a time and trying to stay strong and work out any problems, to prevent it from happening again. I’m very thankful to have such a patient person in my life. He’s only human, he makes mistakes. But I love him regardless, and I know it’s a mutual feeling.. If it does happen again, we are definitely taking a break from each other.. if we get back together after that.. I have no idea.
But for now, it’s day-by-day.

@missjena, I don’t know about others but I can tell you in my relationship- things are so much more complicated than the way you presented them (no offense, I just want to explain).

Basically, while cheating is usually a physical thing as well as emotional- the ‘cheating’ happens before another person is involved. Loss of trust, lack of faith, fidelity- in my experience these problems always predate the symptom- e.g. the ‘hooking up’ or whatever.

In short, we had relationship problems and the cheating was a stupid mistake caused by those problems- kind of like acting out when we were too emotionally inarticulate to have better tools at our disposal. We aren’t in the same place we were then (not the same universe really) and I don’t worry about it happening again because it feels different. Does that kind of make sense?

Edit: I would say that in the future, if I find myself in a new relationship, I would rather avoid this problem entirely. Once there’s a crack in the dam it’s hard to fix (possible but hard)- better never to let that dam crack in the first place, eh?

I understand what you are saying;however, how come there are people that have such struggles in their relationship that don’t result to infidelity? If cheating is just a symptom as you say (then to me cheating is the cancer to a relationship) what is a possible cause that makes cheating exceptable? I was completely miserable in my relationship before he cheated and I didn’t result to cheating. Cheating to me is a character flaw that rarely gets fixed. Everyone I know whose cheating cheats again. I’m not saying that you will or vice versa; however, you talk about “feelings” in a relationship can cause cheating. Isn’t that a lot to worry about? In other words, I would feel like I had to be absolutly perfect and please my man in order for him not to cheat even though in reality it has nothing to do with that person it’s just a flaw in the cheater. How would anyone be able to pinpoint what went wrong that caused their partner to stray? My bestfriend is going through this but she’s the one cheating. She’s cheated on her fiancé 9 years ago and swore to him shed never do it again. You know what she told me? ” he excepted it the first timewhy would I stop then? It’s kinda pathetic he took me back” that’s just her though. He finally had enough and they are no longer together. Called off their wedding and everything because this time she started cheating on him with his cousin.

I guess it’s a case of ‘necessary but not sufficient’. In other words, you probably need to have problems in a relationship to go off and cheat on someone you’re intimately connected with but just because you have problems doesn’t mean you will (or should) cheat.

I guess I just wasn’t motivated by lust or desire or greediness. I didn’t do it for personal enjoyment- I did it because I felt bad about myself. I feel good about myself (and her) these days and I intend to keep it that way. :)

I have been cheated on and I let it go, once. And I will probably never let it happen again. People make mistakes. We are only human.

People do make mistakes and it especially sucks when their mistake is cheating because it is the ultimate betrayal. What if they continue to cheat more than once is it still considered a mistake?

@missjena Then it is deliberate.. it’s not a mistake if they do it again.
My only exception would be if they were beyond drunk and couldn’t really say no.
It’d still hurt, and still cause trust problems.. but it’s a different scenario, imo.

Drunk and couldn’t say no? Girl I hope this isn’t something your bf used as a poor excuse. Alcohol is just a cover up it’s like saying ” you can only cheat if your drunk so drink up!”

It sounds like some people here are saying that forgiveness equals acceptance of infidelity.

By that logic, any kind of forgiveness is acceptance of the sin, and just encourages people to sin again. Therefore, we should never forgive, unless we’re willing to accept the sin again.

People get hurt badly when a partner goes elsewhere. But, in most cases, the infidelity is a symptom of other, much deeper problems in a relationship. It’s probably easier just to blame the cheater as the only one to blame, and drop the person, because that is much easier than facing the real problems in the relationship.

To forgive is not being foolish. It is a way of accepting your own responsibility and working to fix things. If you can’t forgive, then the relationship is over. No point in pretending you can fix it.

Some cheaters may always be cheaters. Lack of true forgiveness plays a role in this. It is too hard to stay with someone who can not ever trust you again. The guilt of cheating is bad enough. If your SO continues to punish you, then you feel even worse. You may feel you don’t deserve any happiness, and cheat again in a subconscious effort to punish yourself by destroying a relationship you value.

Not forgiving can be similar. When you’ve been cheated on, you are hurt terribly badly. It can wreck your self-esteem to the point where you don’t feel you deserve a relationship. Thus you don’t forgive in order to make things justify this sense you have of yourself. Of course, the relationship can’t work then.

Only true forgiveness allows you any chance whatsoever of reclaiming your love. Both people need to recover a sense of self-worth. Without forgiveness, you can’t work together.

And if the cheater cheats again, it can mean there’s still something wrong with that person. Something missing inside them. Or some desire to be self-destructive. Or it can be a sign of a morally defective person. Even so, you can forgive, and then move on.

There’s always a reason, always something they don’t want to risk, give up or put into motion.

* some people don’t believe anyone else will want them
* some people don’t want to go through the pain of parting and trial and error of finding a better partner.
* some people don’t want to be out on the street without security
* some people don’t want to disrupt children or let down friends and family
* some people don’t want to give up their jobs or lifestyle
* some people actually believe they can love enough for two

@missjena No, I’m just saying I believe it’s a different scenario. I’ve been drunk to the point of not knowing what I’m doing or did that night before.

Sometimes it is all a person knows.

Love turns you into helpless fools. You need to build up an immunity to ending up that way.
Been there, barely survived.

It all depends what is importanr in the relationship. The person who is betrayed may have other priorities that are greaier than fidelity. She might see herself as having no value beyond being a wife. She may have economic priorities likr providing for children, She might have political aspirations.

Mostly insecurity, I think, but sometimes you literally can’t afford to get out. I mean financially. I agree with @hungryhungryhortence too.

Of course we might know more when Hillary writes her book. Or you could read the book by Elizabeth Edwards whose husband had an affair while she supported his runnung for president and she had cancer-and stayed with him after.

@galileogirl Nice! That was purely a political move on Hillary’s part…..