How do you help an alcoholic who is unwilling to be helped?

Hard to do something for someone who doesn’t want help.

You can’t! You can only pray for them and keep telling them how their actions are effecting/affecting you but it won’t make a bit of difference until they decide they want to stop. Sad but the truth as I know it.

I highly urge you to focus on those who will accept help… you, and the other members of your family. Go to an Alanon (sp?) meeting.

You have to admit that those who have been at this a long time all agree that the very, very first step is one that THEY have to make- admitting they have a problem.

As for that particular pool of water, some horses can be led to it, some probably can’t. Care for those that they are no doubt hurting and hope that when the alcoholic hits rock bottom they survive and endure.

@nzigler The problem is that I can’t deal with this any longer. I’ve dealt with it my whole life (or since I was old enough to realize what was going on). My mother acts like nothing is wrong. She has become so immune to what he does. I feel like I need to save the family He is also severely depressed. I’ve told my mother that I cant live with him anymore but she suggests that he will commit suicide if we leave him. Plus, she’s too in love with him to see the damage.

You cannot. Just make sure you observe the turmoil alcoholism causes and determine to never go down the same path. You actually may provide the example that may spur your Dad to quit. Mine did. He lived his last 20 years of his 84 in total sobriety.

Instead of concerning yourself with your dad’s self destruction, @augustlan‘s advice is best, focus on yourself and your family’s well being.

BTW-My dad died 2yrs ago this November. He’d been an alcoholic nearly all of his life. Sometimes, there is no help for a person.

Your mom is most likely an enabler. She should get counseling if willing. If unwilling, you should help yourself.

@naivete How old are you? Is there a way you can leave the house whether your mother goes with you or not?

I consider myself an alcoholic. I have the balls to admit it. I have received criticism and my approach is to avoid the people that give me shit. So I don’t think you can do much. It sucks.. My sister gives me shit (I live with her) I never want to see her again. The constant bitching is driving me crazy.

@augustlan I’m 17. I can’t leave… I have nowhere to go.. If I do leave, I’d be shunned from my family (its not right to leave the family without getting married in my culture)... I love them.. I just cant deal with them

I agree with those who have suggested you seek support to get you through this. Sadly, it’s a disease that affects a whole family in serious, devastating ways.

I’m not a professional but it sounds like a lot of families that include an alcoholic- some people enable because they are built that way and think it will help. Some people ignore it because that’s the only way to cope for them. For you, you need to realize you cannot (not because you aren’t good enough or strong enough but because only the alcoholic in conjunction with everyone else can) “save the family”.

Please make sure you have a support network (that includes professionals)- your well-being is key, first and foremost. Groups for family members dealing with alcoholics are common and if there isn’t one in your town/city- there will be people at AA (almost every place has one chapter of AA) who can help even if you don’t have a drinking issue yourself. Think of it as expanding your team who can help with this- I promise, it is too much for one person to bear the burden of alone.

@naivete Would it be acceptable for you to get counseling? If not, you could see a school counselor/psychologist to discuss this with. You need to be able to discuss this with someone that can help you deal with the pain and heartache.

@SpatzieLover I’m going to try and reach out to a school counsellor.. I just find it really hard to find time. I will though…

There are so many different aspects to this that I’m not discussing though.

@naivete Is there abuse going on in your home?

@augustlan… There was (in terms of physical abuse.. Especially during the ages of 3–7)
It stopped suddenly.. My mother received in periodically… Now it’s just emotional abuse.

@augustian – that’s a bit personal, don’t you think?

@troubleinharlem Of course it is. However, the more info we have the better we can direct this young person. If physical abuse is currently going on, I’d say it would be even more important to get out of the house, and ‘culture’ be damned.

@naivete I’m glad to hear that at least the physical aspect of it has stopped. Emotional abuse, of course, is still extremely hurtful. Please find a way to get some therapy for yourself, at the very least.

@augustlan I completely agree with the ‘culture be damned’ part.. Really, I hate it.
However I absolutely love my family… Especially my mother and I dont know how any of them will ever deal with me leaving the house. I think I will eventually though.. When I’m financially able and secure.

@naivete – I’ll always be there for you, okay? Just because I love you dearly.

<3

@troubleinharlem Love you too Lex.

1. Go to Al-Anon. When there’s an alcoholic in the family the whole family needs help.
2. Don’t cover for him. If he falls asleep in a pile of his own vomit, let him wake up in it. Don’t clean up after him and don’t try to cover for him to help him avoid the embarrassment. He need to see the reality of his behavior when he’s sober.
3. Realize that you can’t change him. You can only change the way you react to him. That’s why you need to go back to number 1.

@naivete You say you cannot leave until you marry. Will your family support you going away to school? My husband’s family also culturally expected children to stay in the home until they married, but for education you were “allowed” to leave. My husband’s siblings actually did an exchange student program in America, and his sister went to finishing school in Switzerland in her 20’s. My husband came to America for college. They actually let their children travel also, as long as they theoretically were still based in their parents home their parents were ok with it.

sadly, i would say you probably cant.

as a person who is currentyl fighting an addiction that i have carried for over 11 years, i can tell you that any kind of confrontation will just cause the addict to hide it more or become deeper immerced in their denial.

these people are delusional and irrational when it comes to their addiction. despite what i am writing here in this answer, i am still delusional as and when it comes to confronting and admiting my problem. so even when you are capable of reaching a level of honesty like mine, you will still harbour illogical private thoughts.

i would say, the only way to remedy this, is kidnaping and enforced rehab, or the person in question has to decide for them self.

@JLeslie I’ve tried pitching out of country schemes to my mother. She wont have any of it.

@naivete How about something closer? Maybe 2 or 3 hours away.

I think the suggestions for al-anon is a good idea. I think you will feel better if you can share your frustration with people who are going through the same thing. At least you will feel supported and understood and have a place to vent. Are you able to go to a meeting? Or, do your parents rules make it impossible?

@naivete ; I can’t tell if you’re in Vancouver, Canada ot Washington. Here is some Al-Anon contact info:
Kelowna AIS/LDC

Box 24088

Kelowna, B.C.

V1Y 8H2

250–763-5555

ldcokanagan@yahoo.com

Vancouver Central Services Office

101–3680 East Hastings St.

Vancouver, B.C. V5K 2A9

604–688-1716

Victoria AIS Office

#2, 2020 Douglas St.

Victoria, B.C. V8T 4L1

250–383-4020

alanon1@telus.net
If you’re in Washington, Here is the Portland info:
Al-Anon Information Service
1750 SW Skyline Blvd. #133
Portland, OR 97221
503–292-1333
Email alanonpo@aracnet.com
Business 503–297-3551
Hours 9:00 – 5:00 pm, Monday – Friday

Spanish Information 503–916-9913
9am-5pm M-F 10am-5pm Sat & Sun

remember when you enable an alcoholic or substance abuser you are prolonging the addict’s pain. if i were you i would try to stay away from home as much as possible.

1) You can’t force them to accept your help, but you can help yourself cope with the effect of their alcoholism through a variety of means, including Al-Anon.

2) You can’t force them to accept your help, but you can do the research so if they ever do ask for your help you can advise them where the best program is for their needs and support their efforts to get and stay sober.

You might want to pick up a copy of Why Don’t They JUST QUIT? by Joe Herzanek. It will help you get perspective on your situation and guide you through what you can do to help yoursaelf as well as to be ready when your father does finally ask for help.

Alanon, Acoa and Alateen – if you can’t get to meetings, call the nearest office and ask them to send you literature. You can have your own mini meetings with your siblings.

The most important thing to remember is the 3 c’s, you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.

Have an escape plan for when violence erupts. Keep clothes and some cash hidden somewhere and take your siblings and get the hell out. You can’t make your mom leave but you should arrange with a friend or relative to take you in when you feel scared.

There are those who say that modern medicine has found methods to cure people who don’t want to be cured but I have never seen it happen. He has to hit the bottom and want to change himself for himself, it is the onlyl way that works.

It is also important to get help from acoa so that you don’t fall into the same sort of relationship as you get older. It happens often, so be vigilant.

_He has to hit the bottom _

Sometimes it is possible to “raise the bottom” so that he doesn’t have to be homeless and in the gutter to decide to do something about it. The book I cited gives you some ideas of how to do that.

You realy can’t. But the best thing to do is distant urself from ur love one. Maybe he will get help knowing the closest things to him don’t want anything to do with him cause of his problem. Who knows, he might just get help.