Do you believe an enabler can love the enabled?

I think it’s easy to confuse being needed or needing someone with loving them. It’s not the same thing. If the relationship comes about because of a certain need being fulfilled, and the ability to fulfill that need goes away, then the relationship usually ends, and often ends badly. Often the enabled only sees the person as the means to fulfilling that need, and need, and not as a whole person.

A person may fall in love with a person they are enabling, but should not have the expectation of being loved entirely in return.

Often an enabler will endure less than acceptable treatment because enabling and victimhood usually go hand in hand. I guess that is where the low self esteem comes in, I don’t quite understand the passive/aggressive retaliation part though.

And yes, I always found someone who was equally as crazy as I was, in other words, complimentary and complementary neurosis.

Often alcohol or drugs or some sort of addictive behavior is involved.

Maybe some counseling would help you figure out if the label fits you and how to deal with it if it does.

Stranger things have happened….

I take the view that being an enabler isn’t passive-aggressive, it’s more co-dependent. Which is a whole other ball of wax.

A wise woman once told me- Love is not an emotion. Love is an action. If you don’t do the work of love, then it isn’t love. Love isn’t giving yourself completely to another person- that’s codependency.

For more about cody issues read I Hate You Don’t Leave Me. Also look for codependents anonymous groups near your area.

@gemiwing: I really lurve what you’ve written here about Love not being so much an emotion but an action. I agree and will say Love does require choice, action and a conscious effort, it doesn’t just occur and then run on autopilot, healing everything in it’s path though it’s a nice balm.

I do believe that an enabler can love the one(s) they are enabling. I’m with @gemiwing that we are talking more about being co-dependent than anything else here. I think that enablers tend to love in the only way they know, which can turn into enabling. We’ve all been loved by those who give and give of themselves as a way of showing their feelings. When the one being loved is an addict (or suffers from mental illness, etc.) this kind of love turns into enabling. It is only when we step back and see that we are very nearly loving this person to death, that we can begin to see what is going on. At that point it looks like stepping back will be what kills the person. We feel stuck in a no win situation. Step back or the person dies. Step back and don’t pick this person up when they fall, the person dies.

There are just so many layers to a situation like this that there is really no way to pin it down to a single cause such as low self-esteem. Every relationship is different and what it really comes down to is taking the time to understand how each relationship works and the role you are playing in this person’s life. Are you helping or hurting? What is your motivation behind treating this person a certain way? How can you work to make this relationship healthy for yourself (and by so doing making it healthy for the other person)? Once you answer those questions you are on your way.

I would be interested to know who it was that told you all this. Especially the part about passive-aggressive striking back just doesn’t ring true.

If all these opinions are coming from a therapist, I personally would consider finding a more competent one. I have a hunch though that’s it’s most likely a friend or relative who (perhaps well-meaning) has picked up a little terminology somewhere and put it together into a mish mash of something with a helpful sounding aura.

There are numerous books on the subject by those who have been through it and have far more accurate advice to give.

One good one is “Co-dependent No More” and I believe the author’s name is Weggsheider-Cruse. It’s been a while since I’ve read it so I can’t swear by the accuracy of spelling on the author name but I know I’ve got the title right.

Most people don’t react well the first time they are told that they are being an enabler as it’s perceived as an insult. But most enablers do what they do put of misguided love and lack of knowledge of how else to cope. It’s difficult, especially with addicts or alcoholics, to step back and allow them to deal with the consequences of their choices. The enabler wants to rescue them and prevent the more dire consequences such as jail. It is very difficult for an enabled to allow consequences and there is a fine line, especially where children are involved.

Both individual therapy and self help groups can be enormously helpful as it’s a complex type of situation which does not lend itself to pat, easy answers. It’s a process which can take a while.

I think the whole point of enabling is that the enabler is in love and is in denial that they are actually assisting or enabling their beloved into their current condition.

I have a mom that is an enabler & a MIL that enables. Neither one of them have/had a clue that what they are doing is harmful to themselves, their spouse or their family.

I was going to say the same as @SpatzieLover

The idea of being an enabler is that you care about the person you are enabling. This is what allows the enabling to continue. Otherwise, if you did not care, there would be nor reason for this behavior. Most of the time an enabler does not know that they are damaging the person they are enabling and when it is brought to their attention they simply cannot hold onto it as a truth. That is why it is such a complicated behavior to stop and deal with. In fact their is an entire system developed to help enablers stop their behavior in A&D (alcohol and drug) circles.

On a personal note if you gave an example of how the enabling happens in your life, or something similar, we might be able to offer suggestions.