Do you keep secrets for your nieces and nephews from their parents?

The only niece/nephew I have is my little brother’s kid, but I haven’t seen him since he was 3, so I really have no experience with this type of relationship. However, I do have a much younger sister, she’ll be 10 in a few days.

I want her to be able to confide in me, especially since our mom and her dad are both nuts, but it’s not like doctor-patient confidentiality.. sometimes things come up where I have to quietly tell my mom, who then figures out a way to not reveal I’ve told and yet address the situation.

No. My 17 year old nephew and his Mom and Dad discuss pretty much everything, so, there’s no need. Recently, she went out and bought condoms for him. The girl at the pharmacy asked “what size?” and my sister-in-law had a freaked out look on her face and said “I don’t know!! Medium??” LOL!

Both of my nephews are good kids. Both teens. My bro and my sister-in-law have done a good job. :)

I don’t have nieces or nephews, but here’s my 2 cents anyway.

Keep simple secrets… you know, like who they have a crush on, silly things like that.

Crime, thoughts of suicide, unsafe sexual activity… TELL.

I have two cousins that are basically like a niece and nephew to me. The girl is going through her “terrible teenage” years now, and there are some things she keeps from her mother. I try to let her use me as a sounding board and a confidant so that if she gets into trouble, at least one adult will know what’s going on and help her out. There have been times when I really wanted to chew her out for this or that, but I bite my tongue so that at least one member of her family will be in the know.

If children feel they have no one to turn to, where are they supposed to get reasonable, responsible advice? They are young, after all, and they need guidance, whether they know it or not.

I don’t have neices or nephews, but if I did I’d keep small secrets but anything that I thought was something that could harm them in any way (physically, emotionally, etc) I would tell their gaurdian discretely

I have a “pseudo-neice” (my best friend’s daughter, who calls me Aunt ‘Augustlan’). I completely concur with @Likeradar, but add that I would do my level best to convince her to tell her parents herself. If I couldn’t convince her to, I’d tell her mother discretely.

@hug_of_war I totally agree.

Anything “serious” would definitely be out of the question for me.

Where do you draw the line for serious? Obviously if they are doing drugs or suicidal it is serious.

Here is an example, you all can give me your opinion if you would tell. My step-niece friended me on facebook, my neice would not. About 6 months ago I saw my step-niece post my sis and I got tats today. When I saw it, I assume that “sis” is my neice. I was pretty sure her mother would never permit this, and felt a little better that if she did it, the tatoo would be in an esily hidden place. But, as my husband later pointed out it might be in a “sexual” place since they are in FL half naked all of the time, but that is another thing altogether. So, of course I am not 100% sure of anything, and had decided to only say something to her mother if it was something “serious” this way I can continue to see some of what is going on in case she ever did do something to endanger herself.

I was with her mother a couple of weeks ago and she brought up that her daughter wanted a tattoo, and even taunted that her step-sister could sign for her. I asked, “so do you think she has one?” And her mom replied, “I would kill her.” I did not tell what I had seen on facebook. What I have said in the past to her, the mother, is I think she should be on facebook with her kids (her son posts horrible things on his page, probably typical teenager talk, but I don’t think he should put it out there in cyberspace). The mom, by the way, is my husband’s sister, and at times we don’t get along well, but I love her children, and her for that matter, I just wish she was not such a bitch sometimes…but I digress.

In this example my neice did not confide in me, so it is not exactly what I asked in the original question, but I’m curious to know what everyone thinks.

My nieces don’t confide in me because I am not able to hide my dismay at some of the things they get up to. However, if they did and if it were something other than, say, planning a surprise party, or deciding on a Christmas gift for their parents, then I would have to let their dad know. They are the victims of divorce, with a mom who is quite frankly abusive, so they get involved in some very scary situations.

If I do spot something that is a potential problem on their Facebook pages, I tend to send a link to their dad, just so he knows what they are thinking. He has had to rescue them many times in the past.

@JLeslie How old are these kids?

@JLeslie In your case, I’d keep the secret.

My nieces and nephews are too young to confide as much as yours did. However, if they felt comfy enough asking me or telling me something they didn’t feel they could discuss with their mom or dad, I’d take it in and if I thought it was something a parent needed to know, I’d encourage them to find a way to communicate it to their parent(s).

Mine are overly protected so I expect them to reach out to someone other than a parent when they get to be pre-teens/teens

In my opinion, if said niece/nephew is a minor and they are doing things behind their parent’s back that they know would upset them, then I would help the parents out and tell them. Maybe I’m a grouch… but if the child has good parents, then I think it’s the only right thing to do. I would hope someone would do that for me if I had a wild child ;)

@shockrocks Good opinion…I’m guessing you don’t have any SIL’s yet? Once you have one you may change your opinion on this.

I’d have to know the family to know what I’d do.. what I can comment on is that if it were my kid and they were a minor and got a tattoo behind my back, I would most definitely want to know.

Oh, and if they’re posting these things on FB, it’s not exactly a secret.. kind of stupid, IMO, if you’re trying to keep something quiet, you don’t post it on the internet tied to your name/photo/etc.

@SpatzieLover No SIL’s…. but one nasty BIL lol

@MissAnthrope I’d want to know, too. Then again, I have an open communication household.

@shockrocks So would your nasty BIL be good at communicating with his kids? if he ever had any i.e. Would they confide in him?

@augustlan nephew is 17, niece is 14.

@SpatzieLover They didn’t confide, I just happen to see this information. I wish they felt close enough to confide in me or my husband, because I feel 100% sure they keep things from their parents.

@SpatzieLover I guess where I’m coming from is this: My BIL gets on my nerves personally and I can’t stand being around him, but he genuinely cares for the welfare of his kids. So would I dread the interaction of having to tell him anything? YES… but I would do it for the child’s ultimate sake.

In the end, I suppose it should be judged individually. Is it going to realistically be in the child’s best interest to tell the parents or not? If the parents suck, then I’d leave them out of it. But if they don’t… I really do think it’s their right to know.

@JLeslie I wish they’d confide in you,too. One because you seem to be reasonable & rational and two, because I’m sure you and your husband are good listeners that all most teens want is some one to spill to

@JLeslie So, wait, we’re talking about a 14 year old that got this tattoo? Hrm. I think I would have to tell her parents. If she were 17 (maybe even 16), my answer might be different.

@augustlan – Agreed. I expected to hear that she was 16–17.. yikes!! My mom would’ve grounded me for life if I got a tattoo at 14.

In my state it’s illegal w/out parental consent under the age of 18.

However, the damage is now done so to speak and both girls will have to live with the tats as will the parents unless they are going to make them get removal treatments.

In this instance, I’d be royally pissed at the step-niece for overstepping her bounds.

@SpatzieLover – This is just me, but I would make them work off the cost of the treatments. No way they’d get to keep it after the deviousness and poor thinking involved.

@MissAnthrope If this were my own kid, same here.

Yes 14, actually 13 when I saw the status update. I am not 100% sure she has the tattoo, but it seems likely if you add it all up. My husband was not compelled to say something to his sister, so I went along with that, since I was already leaning that way anyway. My sister-in-law could perceive me as being in “her business” if I say something and I also think she would suck at keeping it a secret that I was the one who found out on facebook. She would ruin the possibility of catching somethng possibly very harmful, not that I am on facebook to snoop on my niece and nephew, but you know what I mean.

My niece is the one to watch so to speak. When I was with her last, she was 13 then, she had a hicky on her neck, that seemed kind of young to me. My husband first saw it and made her aware he was aware, but did not lecture her or anything. I hope she sees we will not be judgmental if she ever needs help, but I think her mother kind of poisons the possibility of the kids coming to us.

I would be royally pissed at the step-sister also.

My then 14-yo niece used to hang out on Sixth Street in Austin on Friday nights, and her mom would even drop her off with her much older boyfriend. Also, both nieces skipped school routinely when they lived with their mom, and periodically, their mom would lock them out of the house at night when she was angry with them. I found out about these things (not from the girls directly) and told my brother, their dad.

He made sure they not only got to school but that they went to school and did their work, even though his ex somehow convinced the school that she was the only custodial parent (they have joint custody), and he made sure the 14 yo was no longer hanging out in bars. As a result, one niece is in college in another state (away from her mom) and the other is on track to graduate from high school, and neither one has gotten pregnant.

I agree with @Likeradar overall.

In the situation you have stated, I’m unsure of what I’d do. Have you seen the tattoo? (even in pictures) 13 is extremely young for a tattoo, and I think it’d be irresponsible for a parent to even consent to such a thing. I’d be more okay if the girl were 16 or 17, but 13 or 14 is just not acceptable.
This seems like a situation though, that even if you were to tell, the girl may never know who told her secret…it being on Facebook, it could be any one.
I would want to be positive before I said anything, but I would probably say something. I am all for having tattoos but you have to be safe, and having it done on such a young body is extremely reckless and the step-sis should have known better. I’d be more angry at her than the 14 year old.

@JLeslie This is a sticky situation due to it being on FB. Teens do not always tell the truth on FB.

If your husband hasn’t brought it to his sister’s attention, then you following suit seems logical.

It just appears that these kids are allowed too much freedom without proper supervision and guidance. That’s the real issue at hand. A tat is a small issue when compared to teen pregnancy and that is where my mind goes to when a young girl has a hickey in plain sight of her own uncle!

A thought just occurred to me… any possibility that these were henna (temporary) tattoos? I know those are common in beach towns.

My sister’s kids are 23, 18, 9, 5 and 3.

The oldest two have always confided in me and I’ve always kept their secrets, no matter what. It’s helpful that they’re fairly good boys and the worst thing I had to deal with was when the oldest one went through a short period in high school where he would get drunk between the time his mother left for work and the time he got on the school bus. Alcoholism runs in his family on his father’s side and all I had to do was point that out and ask him if he wanted to be like his father and he stopped. And he still doesn’t drink now, even though he isn’t underage anymore.

The nine-year-old is starting to get to the point where he has secrets, or at least things he’d rather keep from his mother. He mostly talks to my mother about his secret things but I think he trusts me, too. His stuff tends to be more about feelings than about deeds and he falls even more firmly into the “good boy” category than his older brothers ever did, so I think it’ll probably stay that way. I don’t foresee having to keep dangerous activities from my sister. If a situation like that does arise, I will do my damnedest to take care of it without letting my sister know.

The little ones are too little for secrets. We’ll see how things go when they get older. I suspect the 5-year-old won’t ever confide in me, though. She doesn’t like me.

@MacBean What?! How does your sister have a child almost your age?? Are you the youngest?

@casheroo: My sisters were fifteen and seventeen when I was born.

Reason # 352 in my soon to be published book, “500 Reasons not to have Children.”

@augustlan Yes, I had thought of that too, that it might have been henna. But then when her mother said to me that her daughter threatened to get a tattoo with her step-sisters help, It brought up the whole thing in my mind again.

I’ve pretty much decided I am not going to say anything about this particular situation. But was really interested in what everyone thought in the event something happens in the future. If I say something now the mom will just be pissed at me for not telling her sooner. If she does have a tattoo, it’s permanent (unless you have the procedure of having it removed).

Her mom has voiced being worried about her daughter, especially a couple of years ago, so she is not completely oblivious, but she is failing to watch the internet. When I am with the kids I do tell them they can call us if they ever need anything. I once went as far to say that the best thing about aunts and uncles is they don’t get angry and they cannot punish. But, they do not come to us, my husbands family is very disconnected in some ways (he probably talks to his sister and/or brother on the phone once every 6 months, we see them about twice a year) and this has been passed down to the children. I keep thinking as they get older, and as they kind of get their moms number, they might want to be able to come to someone. My nephew, the 17 year old, does go to his grandfather, which I think is great; but, my niece will not be able to go to her grandmother, the grandmother is very sweet, but anything related to sex, tattoos, drugs, the grandmother is so sheltered, ignorant, and innocent in these realms my niece would never go to her. From what I can tell my niece seems to be going to her step-sister when she seeks someone older (the step-sis is 19 or 20 by the way).