Do you think it’s absurdly hypocritical to punish your kids for cussing, when you cuss unrestrained around them?

Yup. It’s nuts. Parents and caregivers need to realize they are walking models for their kids.

It’s similar to parents who hit their kids, then get upset when their kids hit other people… or parents who eat crap, then wonder why their kids don’t eat veggies, or parents who gossip and snark, then wonder why lil’ Susie is having social trouble at school…

Let’s face it. Some people are oblivious. They are completely unaware of the hypocrisy of the situation. I don’t know it it’s a lack of education, or that they are doing what they think they should be doing, not what they want to do or what. It sounds like this woman didn’t really think about her situation, nor does she understand the impact her behavior has on her kids.

One important concept that many of us forget is to lead by example.

My child doesn’t curse because I don’t curse around her. If she did curse it wouldn’t be because she heard it from me and therefore I could punish her.

Kids mimic and try out things they see and hear from adults (social referencing). Telling them not to is pointless because seeing adults do it and other adults not reacting in a negative manner shows them it’s acceptable behavior.

You can tell kids why you do things, but modeling behavior is really the main way they learn. So yeah, it’s pretty damn hypocritical.

Some folks just don’t get it, unfortunately. Then their kids grow up to be just like them and they are shocked.

Yes, I do agree that it’s ridiculous. The notion of “do as I say, not as I do” is shit. It’s hypocrisy. If you don’t want your kids to use bad words, explain to them why they shouldn’t and do not use them around your kids. Parents are supposed to be the example and should not give their kids conflicting messages if they expect something to sink in. Part of the reason why I believe hitting your kids because they were hitting their siblings is not the way to go…

Hypocrisy is a problem because people often do not realize they are being hypocritical. But it is so discrediting and so negative that I believe it should be avoided at all costs.

My son heard the word “bitch” from The View…YUP, that’s my fault not his.

I asked my husband to ignore the word if he heard it used. I explained politely to our son when I heard him use it that it was unkind to women. Our son hasn’t used it since.

Now the word poop OTOH ;P

@sarahny I didn’t have a problem with my kids cussing, but that’s not to say they didn’t pick it up and bring it home. When they were way little, like 2, just learning how to pronounce words correctly, if they cussed, for example, said, S#!t, I’d say “Shoot. It’s pronounced ‘shoot.’” That took care of the problem at that age, and other than that, when they got older, all I’d say is, “We don’t use that word.” It worked. When they got even older, HS age, I’d say, “That word is very offensive to me, so please don’t use it around me.” And that worked too. They were pretty respectful kids. The only time I “punished” one for cussing was when my 15 year old told me something was “None of your F…ing business!” Ho boy. I raised my hand, gave her 1 second to get her hands up to protect her face and started whacking her on the forearms (leaving no doubt it was her head I wanted, but, like I said, I let her see it coming so she wouldn’t get hurt!) She never used that word around me again, not even to this day.

I’ll throw in a case study for y’all..

I know this very cool, liberal family. The son is 10 and, frankly, a genius.. his brain is quite the wonder to behold. Now, the parents swear like sailors and I was kind of shocked and rattled at first, because I couldn’t believe how freely the parents swear in front of their son.

However, the son has been taught and understands that cursing is an adult privilege and he’s not allowed to do it until he’s older. He gets this and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him swear.

(I’m not condoning this, I just think it’s interesting)

I don’t curse around little kids. I refuse to. When my friends little sister was learning how to talk, her first word wasn’t momma or daddy, it was f%&k. I didn’t believe it until she had said it to me. Their dad was always cursing, and that is where she got it from. We were able to get her to stop saying it, but it took a while.

Yes I do. When my kids were about 6 and 8, I overheard my younger one used a curse word and the older one told him, “Sh, that’s an outside word not an inside word.” We lived in a fairly rough neighborhood then; I was amazed at his sensitivity to social mores.

@DominicX YOU’RE GROUNDED!!!
@SpatzieLover OTOH?
@MissAnthrope Interesting. I understand the idea of it being a “grown up privilege,” but when you think about it, why would cussing be considered a “privilege”? It’s not like driving or sex or drinking, really….
@shego My kids are grown, have kids of their own, and their friends have kids. If we ever have a get together with all of them on my turf, they KNOW not to cuss around the kids as long as they’re in my house. And they take turns enforcing it and reminding the others. I’d like to think they’ll think about it….

@Val123 On the other hand OTHO he’s 4 and even w/out going to school he loves the word poop!

I really try not to curse, but the other day, the car door slammed on my hand, and there was a little kid that I didn’t see, and well I’m sure you can figure out what happened. I feel so bad, because I broke my own rule.

@shego That happens to parents too. My son has heard us curse. He has also told us we used rude language and should not do that anymore.

@SpatzieLover – Ha, I think that is a universal kid thing. I thought my little sister would grow out of it, but she still thinks farts, poop, and pee are the funniest things ever.

@shego LOL! Well, I virtually never, ever cussed around my little kids, except for a very occasional “Damn it!” whispered under my breath, and only if things go quite hairy (such as slamming your hand in a car door, or deeply cutting your finger on a broken drinking glass!.) My husband on the other hand (Oh…OTOH) had a wider variety of cuss words. They weren’t terrible ones, you know, like F and S, but things like, “Crap” and stuff that I didn’t want said around the kids. I don’t think I ever heard him say “Damn” though. Well, one day I was at a beauty parlor and my two year old son knocked over my pop. Clear as a bell he said, “Damn it!!” I was so embarrassed! And it was MY one word! Why couldn’t have picked one of his Dad’s words so I could make Dad feel bad about the language he used!! No. His dad gets all the cuss words and doesn’t have to share, but not me!! I can’t even have ONE! Not fair.

@MissAnthrope He cracks himself up over potty words! But even at 4 he understands the difference between private at home language and public language.

He had a bad tummy when we went to Boo at the Zoo this past weekend. We were on our way out when he squeezed my hand and said “I don’t think you’ll think this is appropriate language in public but I have to go poop and pee right now!”

He knows he may not use those words in front of the little girls in his dance class.

I only ever heard my parents used bad words when they were angry at something, but they would never swear at me. (Whereas I know someone who’s parents would call him a “fucking asshole” or something…I find that to be completely wrong). My dad would use “fucking” as an adjective more frequently if he was mad at something at work and my mom would say “shit” if she was mad at something. And yes, I’ve been angry at my parents and siblings and sworn at them (can’t tell you how many times I’ve said “fuck you” to my brother…too many to count), but that’s just what happens. Those words are generally an expression of anger.

However, I swear casually around my friends all the time when not angry and so do they. The words have more than one purpose. My mom would discourage us from using them in public (which we don’t—being trashy is one of my biggest fears) but I could swear casually around my parents sometimes and certainly if I was angry and frustrated at something and was using bad words to express it around my parents (which is not the same thing as swearing at a person), they wouldn’t give a shit because they would do the same thing (though probably not as often as me). :)

It’s extremely stupid.

Little kids just like to repeat whatever they hear to test new words out. I don’t think they really realize at first that swearing is bad. When my sister was younger, about four, I had the radio on and she came up to me and happily said, “turn that shit off!” I was horrified, but she was grinning.

when i was in 6th grade, i was raising some butterflies from caterpillars, a science kit. My older sister asked me: “what’s that shit in their cage?” I answered: “some of it’s their food, and some of it’s their shit” (half joking, because she said it first). She was on the phone with her friend at the time, and proclaimed, shocked, “my little sister just swore at me!” I didn’t get what the big deal was, she did it first!

@DominicX I cuss casually around my kids now that they’re grown. But in the early years it’s important to set the right example. And to this day they respect me enough not to use certain words that they may use around their friends.

This is something I’m worried about when I have kids… I swear like a trucker… my boyfriend isn’t so bad but we both use the F word. He got me doing something though… saying “eff!” instead, or “effing”... but I’m not sure that’ll be appropriate either…

@poofandmook :) It’s just like any bad habit. You can break it in 30 days if you work at it. Kids today DO seem to use the really hard cuss words far more than we did as teens.

That woman in your story sounds like a complete dullard! Yes, I do think it’s absurdly hypocritical if she uses that language freely in front of her child.

Slightly off topic but my parents allowed my brother and I to swear/cuss around them from a young age. We weren’t allowed to do so in public but in the house, providing we didn’t abuse this “privilage” and swear for the sake of it, it was never frowned upon too much. Funnily enough, because swearing wasn’t taboo in our household we didn’t feel the need to swear all that often.

@Leanne1986 my son has been taught actually anatomically correct words. He only uses those in private, too. We have told him other children may not know the same things he does.

I don’t use profanity, but yes, that is indeed hypocritical.

I’ll never forget when I was.. oh… 14 maybe… My dad and I were going in the kitchen to eat some leftovers from a barbecue that my grandmother had brought home, and I was pissy because the cat had gotten up and eaten the last cheeseburger, and I said something like, “I guess I’ll take the chicken since the cat ate the last damn cheeseburger” and my dad shot me an evil look and I nervously exclaimed, “darn! darn darn darn!!” I guess you had to be there, but I still giggle and that was 12 years ago lol

@SpatzieLover

Kinda like how in 3rd grade I didn’t get why these two boys in my class thought the teacher’s pronunciation of “Uranus” was so funny? I had never heard of that word before…lol

And the lessening of the taboo seems to support the concept of taboos making people even more curious about something.

@DominicX ;D Exactly. we remind him that some kids don’t know where babies come out from

I just wanted to clarify that when I say punish I mean put for timeout. I don’t like my daughter using foul words and when she does I want her to know that it’s not acceptable. I know she will hear these words in the world but I’m hoping that she will learn at home that those kind of words are not nice to say and then maybe she’ll be an example to others around her.

I do think it is hypocritical. Children learn by example first then by what you tell them. The old adage “do as I say not as I do” is flawed profoundly.

I used to learn naughty words and teach them to my little brother (15 months younger). I know where he got it when he wrote “Kelly is an ass” in blocks at kindergarten (To give him credit, she really was) because that was the year I was in 2nd grade and in a class with a bunch of foul mouthed kids.

@SpatzieLover POOP! MUHHAHAHAHA!

I have a very good little people filter. I’ve developed it and it takes nothing for me to turn it on other than knowing that a kid is around. I’ve worked with kids and it became easy to modify my language. I still can cuss like a sailor any time, but I know when to switch. When I have my own kids it will be harder because they’ll be around all the time, but I think that teaching kids that those kind of words are an adult prerogative (or making them not taboo in the house) allows you to get away with some language you wouldn’t want to hear them repeat.

What gets me is the “cute” behaviors that become “not so cute” when the kids get older. Things that were encouraged are suddenly discouraged and people wonder why the kids are confused.

@avvooooooo The cuteness factor…why is that?! Suddenly their teens are hormonal and have parents that think everything they do is wrong, bad, or foul.

@SpatzieLover What I was talking about is when they did something that was “cute” when they were 2 but they’re still doing it when they get to school age and its not “cute any more, its a behavior problem. Like saying “shit.”

Not really.
I drive my car when they are there, I would be pissed if they took the keys and went for a drive.
Also if I drink a glass of wine in front of them, I don’t think I would be a hypocrite for punishing an 8yr old for copying me and drinking

@avvooooooo I was too. Here’s a little kid making faces at you…you laugh can him/her a silly-willy and then laugh together. the kid becomes a teen and suddenly ever “face” is taken as serious…sometimes the kid just wants to have silly-fun

I have a neighbor who uses the F word on his 7 yr old son. A lot. Fuckin’ this, fuckin’ that, fuckin’ stupid, on and on and on. Makes me want to go over and punch the bastard in the throat.

My Dad swore around us when we were growing up. Things like son of a bitch, goddammit, jesus christ, but he never used the F word on us. He never said we were ‘fuckin’ ______.’ (insert insult here). He never called us insulting names.

People who don’t lead by example end up with what they deserve.

“Do as I say, not as I do.” :Is not a good excuse.

My mother used to swear when we were growing up. When she got so angry she could barely see straight she used to shout “Geez, Louise!” But I never copied her. I tend to say “Boy, Howdy!” unless great physical pain is involved, and then I say ”!Mierda!”

@avvooooooo You said, “What gets me is the “cute” behaviors that become “not so cute” when the kids get older. Things that were encouraged are suddenly discouraged and people wonder why the kids are confused.”—Oh, I know! Like people laughing hysterically when a kid punches a guy in the privates. Not funny.

@Val123 Exactly. Or when the start snorting like a pig in church. Its cute when they’re an infant, its even funny. But when they start to be able to control their own behavior at toddler stage, its not so funny. That’s on example where its early on that it becomes not funny and controllable, but there are many, many more.