What do you do if you know you are with the person you want to marry but know it's not quite time to take that step; yet something happens and the other person is ready to leave?
Asked by
HGl3ee (
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)
November 2nd, 2009
Would you ruin the “surprise” of it and tell them your intentions or just keep it in and not make their decision to leave harder? Would it make sense to try and have someone stay based on what could happen even if you didn’t know it would solve anything? Does it seems a little selfish to let something like that out at that time making things a little harder? But if it’s true, don’t they deserve to know it or is that just a guilt trip?
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16 Answers
yes, yes ruin the surprise – this is about love, not timing
on the other hand they may think this is a desperate attempt on your part to fix what you did
you must ruin the surprise in a way that lets them know that you were planning it BEFORE this all happened
How do you know its not that time yet?
Things like this does exactly show up on our Outlook calendars.
Sometimes that moment comes and you have to be able to recognize it.
It’s always best to be straight with someone you care so much about.
If you need to spoil a surprise to keep her, spoil the hell out of it.
I just got engaged myself, and it was totally spur of the moment thing. I got so excited and had to ask her. If this is the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life you have to go for it and leave nothing on the line. If the person still says no, yeah it will hurt like hell, but at least you did all you could to make that happen. And that counts for a lot.
Good Luck.
@The_Compassionate_Heretic When the time is right you just know; things are as they should be and there are no more questions to be answered; it’s just time..
@ElleBee Don’t let this chance slip away while you’re waiting for your right moment.
Hey ElleBee!
Such a good question! I think that knowing that the person you’re with has the desire and intention to marry you is an amazingly comforting feeling. So many problems in a relationship can be rooted to insecurities on either side. Just to know and to hear your significant other voice their wish to be with you and only you for the rest of their life can be the calming factor that stabilizes things to a sustainable level.
I would be scared once the excitement wore off we’d be back to them leaving sooner rather than later.
Speak up, show courage, and confront your fears. Then you won’t regret it, no matter how things turn out.
@d_felice I was eagerly waiting for your response! and what a wonderful one it is ^_^ That’s exactly what happened <3 I swear you just worded to a perfect “t” exactly how it made me feel (Insert an awesome warm-fuzzy feeling here!)
Aw, ; ) So glad to hear it! I don’t know what it is @ElleBee, but I think you and I are kindred…
It’s not selfish to tell them- it would be so tough to keep something like this back. I don’t know if this makes it easier or harder for them, but it really ups the stakes of their decision either way. This talk doesn’t have to be a guilt trip if you’re sincere and honest, but I think a lot of people would turn this into a guilt trip and push their partner away.
Hmm, the first time I asked my wife to marry me, she said No. So I waited, asked a few months later, she said No, again. Undaunted (and more than a little stubborn) I waited, and asked the third time, and I had told myself that if she said no the third time, I was going to split and find someone new to be with. We’d been dating for about six years. Third time, she said yes. That was 21 years ago.
You have to be completely honest and up front. Tell them exactly what you told us. Then they can make a decision with full information.
But if you want my personal opinion (and I guess you wouldn’t have asked otherwise), if you’re not ready and the other person wants to leave, let them go. It’s not fair to keep the relationship going just because you might want to marry them.
If I understand your question correctly (and please try to explain it more clearly if I misunderstood), you also are having problems independent of the marriage issue. Is it these problems that make the other person want to leave? Has the other person threatened to leave before? Is this serious?
In any case, I would work on solving the communications issues before you think about marriage. I suspect you both have to become more open and honest if the relationship is to last. I would tell them, “this is what I’m thinking, and I want to work on our problems first. Can you work with me?”
Good luck!
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