Do you teach your children to beware of abuse by a Significant Other?

I have two daughters, one 28 and one 12. I raised my older daughter to be vigilant about the signs of impending abuse, and I have begun speaking to my younger daughter about never taking any shit from a boyfriend.

My son is turning 3 tomorrow and already one of the biggest and largest lessons I spend time teaching my son is how to treat other people. I put a lot of time into developing a good respectful relationship between the two of us and I believe by doing this he will learn to respect women and men and respect himself thereby growing up with a healthy self-esteem and self-awareness, which will again in turn give him the knowledge to deal with potentially abusive partners…

I guess while I realize that men could be abused by women, since I have sons, I concentrated more on talking to them about not being too aggressive or pushy with women. I don’t think the idea of their being in an abusive relationship with an SO was a great fear of mine nor did I feel observing their personalities growing up that they would be likely to be abusive. I would certainly talk to them as adults now if I felt they were endangered.

I commented on your domestic abuse question, and briefly highlighted my own experiences with my father and whatnot.. My sister was also a part of this growing up, and your question has really got me thinking. My sister has Downes Syndrome and although I have tried to teach her the differences between a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ relationship, I worry that her early years will have a supreme impact on her adult life (she has just turned 17) it’s difficult to communicate the dangers of abuse and other topics to her as theres a chance it could make her afraid of people and unable to trust, which would be a massive step back considering all the work thats been done to show her she can safely communicate her feelings to the various people that work with her. But, back on topic, we did alot of work with her regarding these things and she proved herself to be very clued up when she became involved in an incident a few years ago when a guy tried to snatch her at a carnival. She was extremely brave and proceeded to press charges and get him sent down with the help of others who came forward. Sadly she then spent many months feeling awful about it and being afraid of her ‘ability’ to get people sent to prison, which was difficult to work around. So in summary, yes we have and are still teaching her about the various dangers life can hold for her, but we have to tread very carefully as highlighting these aspects can have a negative effect on her, and damage her ability to trust.

Yes I have talked to my daughter about it numerous times! She has friends that have been in abusive relationships and most have gotten out, so they help too!

My daughter is thirteen. She hasn’t had her first date yet. I suspect she’s already learned about abuse either in her school or through general reading. I think it’s a good idea to discuss it with her, although I seriously doubt she would let herself get into such a situation. She has a lot of self esteem, and knows she doesn’t need to depend on a guy for anything.

I agree it is so important to teach both your sons and daughters what is an appropriate way to treat others and to be treated.

When it comes to being in an abusive relationship though the dynamics shift. No matter what you teach your children most of them will see it as “normal”. It often takes children quite a shock to see that this doesn’t happen to everyone, it is not “normal”. Unfortunately I have known many children to grow up in a house where domestic abuse was present and none of them fully realized how wrong it was. And most of these children have had abuse identification training in grade school and from family members. In fact many children say they had no idea until their first sleepover (at an older age) when they realized, hey not all families do this. So in these circumstances I think it must take a very specific type of education to make children realize just what is going on. Does that make sense?

Well, first of all, regarding that question, I think we may find that a lot of these women grew up with no father, or, even worse, an abusive one. Whether we like it or not, our dad becomes the role model of the man we expect to marry, and similarly our mother the role model for the wife. In the example I gave in that thread, one of the girls lost her dad when she was very young, which might explain why she was so dependant upon the abusive boyfriend.

So to answer your main question, I think the proper way is for the father to give love, and behave both towards the daughter (but especially towards the mother) with the respect that he expects his daughter to receive later in life. Of course, this is all very nice in theory, but here’s my problem:

1) I am more worried about a series of abusive relatives on my ex wife’s side than any future boyfriends/husbands my daughter may have. The worst criminal would pale in comparison to the sort of people she’s around right now. The best of them is a paedophile. So the danger is a lot more imminent in my case, and I don’t have time to worry about the future.

2) Since her mother was part of the problem, I have found it very hard to be nice to her, but particularly since our separation, my daughter can never get a chance to see how I behave towards women (I simply don’t interact with her mother at all, at least not in front of her). This however has not been a problem in our case. Firstly, because on the few occasions when our daughter had to see both her parents simultaneously, I tried to at least be corteous and polite (even though it was extremely hard to stay calm and these situations were extremely taxing on my patience, which is why I avoided contact with my ex whenever possible). Secondly, I’ve had two girlfriends since then, and my daughter saw how I behaved towards them, especially the second one (she only met the first one a couple of times), which I believe was a good model of how a man should behave towards a woman. I also tried to say good things about her mother when we were alone, even if I didn’t believe them. I always tried to explain why she acted like she did, or make excuses for her behaviour if I could. Or at least not accuse her openly. Unfortunately my daughter’s too smart to buy it.

3) I am no longer in control of the situation, and have not even seen my daughter for almost a year, so all of the above is irrelevant. My child grows without a male figure in her life (except for all those criminals around her), so yes, it is a huge problem right now, and one that must be solved fast. But ideally I believe it’s the father’s job in this case.

I don’t have my own kids, but I do work with them. I think the key is to teach self-respect. Don’t let anyone do things to you that you don’t like, find peaceable solutions that you and everyone around you can live with to solve your problems (especially the authorities). If you teach them to respect and value themselves, they possible become less likely to stand for being abused.

With different groups of kids, different things are stressed. With a group that’s ready to fight, I find its more important to stress finding ways that aren’t violent to handle yourself and deal with other people.

My Mother thinks shes tried to make me aware of this. Instead, shes subconsciously put in her perspective of how terrible all men are.

@RedPowerLady Interesting. So you are saying that people who grow up witnessing it, for example if they see their father abusing their mother, even if they are given education on what qualifies as abuse, they may not accept or understand that they grow up in an abusive household? They might continue to think their life is normal and be drawn to similar relationships?

@all I don’t think just teaching self confidence and self respect is enough, I think it has to be more specific. Actually telling the child some of the emotions a person starts to experience when they become the abused, so they can recognize it and get out. This is ItalianPrincess’ post from a different thread Until you’ve been in a situation like that, you really shouldn’t judge. I always said I would never stay in an abusive relationship either. But then surprise! I was in one. I got out eventually if course. But I know many who don’t. Some women are scared to leave. Some women think they can change the man (which was the case for me). And some women are so blinded by their love for that man, that they stick by their side through it all. From the outside looking in, it always seems very easy. It seems like the obvious thing to do would be leave. But to that woman, it’s not always so clear. Also, on my situation the cops had been involved numerous times but nothing was ever done to him. He spent half a day in jail. Then he was out and very angry. I thankfully had family to rely on. They let me move in with them to keep me safe from him. But not everybody has a support system. The apartment we lived in was MINE. And yet I was the one who had to abandon it and never look back because he wouldn’t leave. And I couldn’t risk being alone in the apartment when if/when he decided to come back after he was let out of jail. This man tried to kill me. And he got a slap on the wrist. Without the support of my family I don’t know where I would be right now. Maybe dead? Maybe still with him, still being abused? I’m just trying to get you to see things from the abused woman’s point of view. Sometimes it’s not that easy to just walk away. Law enforcement isn’t always as big of a help as you would expect. So please, don’t be so quick to judge these women. From this thread http://www.fluther.com/disc/60131/why-do-women-stay-in-domestically-violent-relationships/

@JLeslie Pretty much, yes. It varies a bit. Some never realize how wrong it was but many suddenly figure it out as they turn into young adults. And then they have lived with it for so long it takes a lot of undoing to get it “right” so to speak.

I still insist that there is very little you can theoretically teach your child, even if (s)he’s old enough to understand. Regardless of what you say, it is what children see and live for themselves that really matters. So in this case, the way the parents behave towards each other is what will determine your child’s future. Especially the father by example, but also the mother’s reaction (if for example she doesn’t get out of the relationship or protect herself somehow). With the friend of mine that got abused, her own mother was on the boyfriend’s side, saying stuff like “we don’t get to pick our men, now you’re with him, so accept him as he is”. The girl was 23 for heaven’s sake! Intelligent, pretty, had everything going for her. She could have just dumped the jerk and found someone new.

@all I do believe talking to your children and teaching them how to avoid abusive relationships and what the signs are of an abuser is very important. My parents never had this talk with me and look what happened (see above). I’m not suggesting that if you don’t have this talk that your child will absolutely get involved in a relationship like this but the chances are higher, for sure. Also on a side note, @Jack79 mentioned that most of these women have grown up with an abusive father or without a father at all. Neither of those situations happened to me. Since I was a baby, my step dad had taken over the role of my real father and did a fine job. He was never abusive to me or my mother. So you see, I really believe that had my parents given me more information on what kind of men to watch out for, I might have avoided my bad situation completely. My mother did give me her advice during my abusive relationship but it was too late. I was in too deep at that point. So I strongly suggest talking to your kids about this subject. I’d wait until they were at least 15 so that they are mature enough to understand what you mean. Any younger and they might forget. Any older and it might be too late.

My mom taught my sister and I at an early age (i believe around puberty when all the boys suddenly look so cute) that we should never be dependent on a boy. We should always be able to take care of ourselves emotionally and financially. Friends and family are always there for you, always but boys are fickle and never necessary for happy living. These principles were constantly retold to us as we continued to grow and interact with boys, either directly or indirectly.
This was perhaps not the best way for her to word it, as it made things very awkward for me to trust boys (a thing my boyfriend has been amazing about) but my sister had no trouble at all. Both of us have been the shoulders for friends in abusive relationships (always encouraging them to get out of it) and my sister learned the signs pretty quickly and has left 2 boys over potential emotional abuse.
While it resulted in an excessive cautiousness with trusting boys for me, it’s made me more selective and it’s taught both my sister and I how to recognize trouble for ourselves and our friends. I think it was the best advice she gave me and I’m grateful for it. Despite my cautious nature with boys, it’s made my relationship with my boyfriend all that much stronger and well worth the wait.

Her exception to this rule being when you finally find ” a good man” and get to a point in your relationship where things are clearly serious. Then the rules change and it’s okay to be a little dependent and to work together, as a married couple will need to be able to. But if any abuse pops up, you still get the hell out of there and take the potential baby with you (kind of like a fire). This clause was added recently when my boyfriend and I hit a certain point in our relationship. I didn’t understand how to resolve things in my mind, so she filled in for me.

I teach my kids that aggressive actions of any nature, be they physical or verbal, are wrong and hurtful whether done by a man or a women.

I also point out that if your right, no such activity is needed and if your wrong, the only right thing you can do is own up to it.