Is it normal to feel guilty about something even after people tell you it isn't your fault?

You suffered a horrible trauma. It is natural to re-live it over and over hoping to change the outcome in your mind.

In answer to your question it is normal. Eventually you will accept the reality.
Sorry you had to witness and be part of this tragedy.

What a terrible thing for you to have to suffer through. I’m so sorry. Your feelings are valid whatever they are. They belong to you. I am very optimistic that the worst part will be over relatively soon. Part of the reason I think so is that you opened up on Fluther, and that suggests fundamental health to me. I wish you the best.

It’s normal to feel guilty and to keep going over the details. Try to separate out the trauma and pain of the accident from the idea that it was your fault. It will take a while to get over it but keep reminding yourself that even though it’s very painful, it wasn’t your fault. If it upsets you too much, you may want to try some short term counseling for help.

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I hit a deer a year ago tomorrow night & totaled my car. Believe me, there’s nothing you can do in that situation. It all happens too fast. Please don’t blame yourself, honey. This was an ACCIDENT. You did nothing wrong. You protected yourself. That’s what anyone would do.

I’m sorry you had to go through this. It is normal. You won’t stop feeling guilty until you forgive yourself. And it isn’t your fault.

Yeah it’s normal I suppose. I would say it was partially your fault too (as well as the road, the deer, the car, etc).

It’s something that people come to accept over time. I bet the deer would have felt guilty too.

i’m sorry for you too but it’s normal-survivor’s guilt. and i agree that accidents happen so fast. you did well to get yourself out alive.

Don’t worry, this is normal. You have my prayers.

I think it is completely normal. I can’t imagine feeling anything but horrible and guilty in this kind of situation. :(

Of course it isn’t your fault – you didn’t make the deer stand in the road and you did the only thing you could do to protect yourself, which was to avoid the deer. There was no way you could have anticipated the reaction of the driver behind you.

I’m sure you know this, but feeling it is another thing. It will take time for your emotions to catch up. I am so sorry this happened.

How awful. You have Survivors Guilt I think. That easily could be considered a life changing incident.

If you are unable to sleep or have disturbing thoughts for a few weeks, I would recommend seeing a therapist or reading a self help book to help you understand your emotions.

It was NOT your fault, you should NOT feel guilty, but I think your reaction is very NORMAL.

I can’t believe someone would actually have the nerve to say it was partially your fault. That’s absolutely disgusting to me. How were you supposed to control the deer running into the road? That actually severely pissed me off… I do not care about the reasoning behind it.

Listen. The one thing you have to realize here is that not one single part of this is your fault. What if you had hit the deer and gone into the tree? Would that have been better? No. That deer did what it did, and there was nothing you could do. Who drives directly for a deer thinking “oh, let me risk my life, my passenger’s life, and my vehicle for this guy behind me”? Nobody does that. I guarantee you that if you had been behind that guy, he would’ve done the exact same thing you did.

Your guilt, your normal (yet undeserved) guilt only speaks to your compassion and what kind of person you are. I think the man who was driving behind you would say the same thing.

It wasn’t your fault. It just wasn’t.
You feel bad because someone died. It’s tragic, but it happens. I am sorry, too.

Thank you guys.

Ugh! Ignore anyone saying you had any responsibility in this. It was a horrific accident and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. It simply and horribly WAS.

@poofandmook Are you saying it wouldn’t be the shooters fault for accidentally shooting a paintball into a nearby window? Sure it was an accident, but people feel they need to take responsibility for their actions, and if they can’t or don’t take responsibility it generally results in more guilt. The person may feel that if they weren’t there it wouldn’t have happened, this is part of guilt. It’s the Earth’s core’s fault that there are earthquakes, it’s also the Earths fault that we are able to live on it.

I think accepting is far better then denial, but then I could be wrong.

@Samurai If @rangerr was at fault the police would have determined it. They did not. She was involved but bore no responsibility through her actions for the death of the other driver.
Additionally @rangerr did not pull a deer out of her car and toss it on the other drivers windshield.
You are describing an intentional act and comparing it to a freak and random ACCIDENT.

@Samurai shooting a paintball into someone’s window is your fault, even if it was an accident. you can’t compare the two. she didn’t put the deer there. it’s definitely not her fault.

@Samurai your logic (or lack there of) hurts my head. Those two things are completely different.

Your last 4 words were the only ones that made sense.

Wow, my heart goes out to you. What a difficult set of circumstances, but review what actually happened . . .

1) an unpredictable event (the deer) and you instinctively swerved to miss it.
2) someone else reacted differently—has nothing to do with you. Also, who knows what the deer may have done, what the guy’s night vision was like, etc.
3) you stayed on the scene and waited for 911. You tried to see if the guy was responsive.
4) the guy had car seats and likely has kids, but you had nothing to do with putting that deer there. It sounds to me like it was just his time. This is one of those “beyond our understanding” kinds of things.
5) I can’t think of a single thing you could have done that would have changed the outcome of this unfortunate series of events.

You did all the RIGHT things. It is not unreasonable to feel sad or to dwell on this for a while, but there is nothing you did wrong at all.

I guess the bigger question is what can you do to make yourself feel better about the situation (e.g., petition for a deer crossing sign at the location, talk to new drivers about deer safety, etc). You may just need an action step to help you reconcile the event.

I feel for you as no matter what anyone says to comfort you, you will still feel bad and guilty. I hope you can work through this as you are not at fault in any way. Your thought was to miss the deer and the thought process stopped there. You can’t be held accountable for the man behind you not having control over his car. You tried to help him and that is the important thing.

I don’t think this is the place to argue with insanely flawed logic, due to the nature of the question, so I won’t be responding to you, @Samurai, with anything more than this here in this thread.

@Kayak8 GA

you do realize everything kayak8 said goes against what you just said above right?

Think about it this way, you swerved to miss the deer, saving yourself and the deer for that matter. If no one had been behind you, you would be incredibly grateful right now that you avoided a disaster with your quick reflexes and attention to the road. But, unfortunately there was a car behind you, which is completely separate from anything you did, and a bad thing happened. You did not cause the accident, it is random circumstance, that’s all.

@uberbatman Only thing I see wrong with it, is Kayak8 thinking there was no other possible outcomes.

@Samurai Uh- Yeah. There was only one outcome. An outcome that was completely out of @rangerr‘s control. That is the entire reality.

I think JLeslie provided a perfect example of another outcome for consideration. On the other hand, I am not talking about what might have been, because that is usually not real helpful. I am, instead, trying to discuss what actually happened because that is what the questioner has to deal with.

:What if’s” will drive a person crazy . . . “what if” never happened, “what if” is what causes unreasonable guilt. We can only deal with what did happen—in this case, a very real tragedy that had nothing to do with rangerr’s actions/reactions.

Wow. I am so sorry. For you and for this poor man. It truly is not your fault. I know a million people could tell you that right now and it probably won’t make a difference but for what it counts I said it and believe it. ((Hugs))

It is very normal to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Also it is normal to have mood swings and other “side effects” from trauma. Allow yourself to experience it, it is much much easier than fighting it. Then if you need additional help you can get a short-term counselor or call a hotline.

Once again, thank you guys.
I’d hug most of you all if I could.

Accepting what part you had in this rather than denying that you had any part in it at all is far better in my opinion. With having a part in something comes responsibility.

@Kayak8 Exactly. Whats done is done. No need to dwell on the past or what could have been. Best to just accept it and move on.

@rangerr Sorry you had to go though this traumatic event. Despite what others said, its NOT YOUR FAULT not even in the slightest bit. Your driving effected him in no way at all.

@Samurai what part did she play in it though!? Thats like saying you were on the street during a drive by shooting and witnessed someone else die. You need to accept the part you had in this…...

@Samurai Regardless of what you believe have a bit of compassion and empathy. There is no changing what happened so it is not necessary to state that you believe she had some part in this. Quite frankly I don’t see how you came to that conclusion and I disagree with you but that is not the point. You could just let her have her grief without coming here and potentially making things worse. See what I mean?

@Kayak8 my intent with my example was not to provide another outcome to contemplate, because I think you are right that “what if’s” can drive you mad. But to show that her reaction to seeing the deer should not be questioned, it was perfectly appropriate for the situation that arose in that split second while driving.

@uberbatman If there were monkeys in the trees by the car crash, I would say that they had 2% or so involvement with the accident.

In the drive by scenario I would say that the witness had a large part of involvement with what happened after the person got shot, and about 2% or so with what happened before the gun fire.

Stop it. Seriously just stop. You lost this argument and you’re just drawing for straws now.

@uberbatman I beg to differ, everything you say about this is just about comforting what happened.

Wow, I am just dumb-founded. There is a huge difference between intent and impact (as shared in the paintball through the window theory). What happened to rangerr bears no similarity whatever.

As JLeslie keenly observed, had rangerr been the only car on the road, the man wouldn’t have been there (he may have been across town getting into an entirely different accident if it was his time). The only action rangerr could have taken that MIGHT have changed the outcome was her deliberate ramming of the unfortunate animal (which likely would have caused her own death).

As a driver with many year’s experience, I simply can’t imagine having the presence of mind to deliberately ram a deer because maybe, just maybe someone else would hit it if I didn’t make that choice.

Your sense that she bears any responsibility for the outcome is reprehensible to me. Perhaps there aren’t any deer where you live . . .

There’s no meaning to this topic anymore. I may be wrong, I may be right, but its not something any of us could say for sure.

The what ifs are not other outcomes that were in @rangerr‘s control. She had two choices, swerve or hit the deer.

I can’t see how hitting the deer would have made the situation any better. If the driver behind her couldn’t react in time to avoid the deer, I see no way he could have reacted in time to avoid her car when she smashed into it.

I mean no disrespect to the man who died, it is incredibly sad, but his response to the situation was the only thing that could have changed the outcome other than the deer moving out of the way.

@Supacase Great point.

I agree that “what ifs” are pointless because you can’t change what already happened, thus people feel guilty for that reason.

Oh, no, that’s terrible! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s absolutely not your fault, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening.

How horrible. My heart goes out to you. I would be doing the exact same thing you are. Try to think about what happened instead of emotionally reacting. It will get easier once the initial shock wears off.

For what it is worth I’d be doing the same thing as well. Also crying and asking for reassurance from my partner. It might help to honor his memory by placing some flowers at the crash site. I just randomly thought of that as something I might do.

I went back and put flowers at the site. There was already a cross and lego hearts.
It broke my heart.

I HAVE been able to sleep some though.. so I think shock is winding down.

@rangerr Don’t be surprized if it takes you a while; I’m so glad the shock is winding down.

Glad to hear you are healing.

@rangerr That is fantastic you did that. Hugs.

@rangerr I wuvs you.

@Samurai You’re truly disgusting.